In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
Dear Southernman,
Thanks for sharing your myspace page again. This is a good use of “space”. :o)
I started a page so I could connect with my sister.. she’s a generation behind me so this is her world and I don’t totally get it but I really liked your page. Also, reading my sister’s page, I discovered she’s a funny writer. I knew this before! That was cool. And she’s not very open with me but she posts these funny blogs… it made me realize she is a grown woman with a whole life I didn’t know about. I was still thinking of her as my little sister.
Anyway, I will visit your page again for some spirit!
Aloha…….. E
Thanks Aloha….
Myspace isn’t a bad medium in which to express one’s self, and you can really see what is in a person’s heart by what they place on their page…. I do know that generally speaking, there seems to be more people in this world today with low morals and values, with low thinking, and that is why you would see so much trash on such a site……
Joyce Meyer say this…. “Hurt people, hurt people”…. I like that thought, and it explains some sociopaths to some extent…..
As you may have noticed, the virtues that are exhibited on my page are direct opposite of those virtues that sociopaths are about…… I think on a unconscience level, one of the reasons I ran to Christ after my socio, was that I needed to be around those who were of high moral value, and those who would be of truth….. not to say that all christians are that way, and we know many are sociopaths, but that is where our decernment comes in………………
Thanks for your kind words
~R~
Dear Southernman,
I tried to get your page to load and after ten minutes I decided it wasn’t making progress so got off, but will try again.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, in writing in “man’s search for meaning” mentions that some of his fellow inmates in the Nazi concentration camps, after release, seemed to use their own pain as a reason to “destroy” things just because they had suffered (that would be the “Hurt people, hurt people” aspect that Joyce Meyer is talking about.
Dr. Frankl mentioned one such man who after release tromped through a standing crop of grain just to destroy it, and when Dr. Frankl said please don’t do this, the man said “We have been hurt so much, why not.?”
You know, we also almost all of us, realize that our friends and family don’t “get it” how we have been hurt, and Dr. Frankl goes to this as well. When many of the former inmates came back to their homes and neighbors the neighbors didn’t want to hear it, they said “Oh, but WE have suffered too” or something along that line. The former Nazi Camp inmates were not comforted or even validated by their neighbors. This was very injuring to these people who suffered so much.
I don’t think there are “more” people in this world with “low morals” than there ever have been, I think that maybe we just notice them more. If you go back through the old testement and also through the history of the Roman empire and other old histories, I think you will fiind that the MAJORITY of the populace in these histories had low morals, the “me first” thought pattern, it is the FEW who rise above this level and behave in moral ways, follow a moral compass as it were. I think it always has been except in times of deep trouble when people will turn to spirituality for comfort. LIke the Jews did time after time. When they were wealthy and prosperous they turned away from morality (and God) and when they were beaten down by another nation, they would turn back to God and morality. Maybe that is just human nature.
Our own victimizations can give us the opportunity to turn to a more spiritual and more morally upllifting way of life, which ultimately is more fullfilling in all aspects I think, anyway.
We realize that our “security”–whether it is money, a marriage, health, whatever, can be lost “in a flash” by one thing or another, by one decision or another on our parts, by being targeted by a “thief” of our money or our emotions, etc. We then come to realize as Dr. Frankl did that when you are down to nothing but your own body and your hold on that is tenuious at best, you start to look at yourself in a different light, to survival in a different light, and to realize what is REALLY important in this world.
Southernman,
I have heard that saying before about hurt people and it moved me too. I think it even came into play for awhile when I was with Bad Man. I just thought he was damaged and I thought I was the cure. Won’t do that again!
I think the media these days if more damaging than ever to young people as evidence by a lot of what we see on MySapce. We see so many young people put themselves out there like wanna be porn stars… just like their idols… Brittney and Paris and MTV vidoes. It’s gross.
Oh well.
Anyway, I better stay on topic here since this the topic on staying on topic. Hehe.
I will say one last thing. My experience with a Pathological person has caused me to value myself more. I was a pleaser at my own expense especially when it comes to men. I thought this was how I expressed myself as a woman, to be honest.
It’s a constant battle. I have to tell myself all the time, “I am worth more. I deserve more.” I am referring to being treated not-so-special by a man. I am not talking about being/acting like a Princess. You know what I mean, I am sure.
Have a goo day. :o)
Aloha,
What you just wrote has been my constant struggle. Daily. oy vay!
I’m a people pleaser, I know this and it’s a fundamental part of my nature, to see people smile, laugh and be happy from my care and humor.
Like you, it has taken me flippin years to truly love and value me. I think I’m pretty terrific, dont you?…haha.
I think you’re awesome, woman. I love your fire, your huge heart, your direct ‘get down to business’ communication approach.
Ahh….you are always a breath of fresh air for me when I read your comments. Too much time spent with flakes, wishy washy, LIAR types has caused me to shun those people as if I have an electrified force field surrounding me.
ZZZZZZZZZZap!!….back off or I’ll tase you again, bro!! 🙂
I just finished reading this thread. My heart is aching for Little. Where is she? Little, Who diagnosed your H? Can you go to that person? Have that person call a shelter or transitional housing program. Follow OxDrover’s advice with a plan. Anyone, Is Little posting somewhere else?
Southernman.. your myspace is really beautiful.. I’ve never seen anything like it.
DonnaC.. I still say I think something is rotten in Denmark where your marriage is concerned. I know with my second marriage I wanted out so badly I felt rebellious every time anyone even mentioned trying to make it work.
But my husband wasn’t doing his part at ALL, and it really did hurt and anger me.
I’m going to post something I hope everyone will think about it. I used to do things I considered wrong, so that I would feel guilty, because by feeling guilt I could control the anger and rage I felt at the people in my life that didn’t meet my needs.
With my second marriage, I had a lot of trouble “not seeing him as desirable” but then again.. he did NOTHING to help the problem. He was standoffish, dirty, smelly, unromantic, he just wouldn’t make even the tiniest effort and I was really hurt and angry. BUT by this time I had learned not to do bad things to pump up my guilt, instead I went to a divorce support group and talked things over with my counselor.
I still kept trying to make it work for another couple of years, but it was a no go. I’m glad I didn’t cheat on him though, because we were able to separate amicably and get along fairly well, though we will never see eye to eye.
DonnaC.. don’t let your guilty feelings cloud your marriage problems. If the marriage sucks… it sucks.. whether you cheated or not. Take your time, work on your feelings, try whatever you have to , get counseling, but in the end if it’s a no go, it doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault.
Jane! You are terrific! Of course you are!
How many times in my life did I hear, “You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else?” I can’t count. I learned it. I learned it! Now I have to practice it.
When I put myself first, I feel a little catch in my heart.. like it’s not exactly right but I have to push through and do it. One thing that helps is I work with a lot of strong role models at the Children’s Shelter. They don’t know that secretly, I am learning to model myself after them. That’s one benefit of the job is the quality people that I work with. Boy do I love that!
When I hear someone else say a clear “No” it catches my attention. I am almost kind of fascinated by it… like I am thinking to myself, “Would you look at that?! They said no and the other person respected them. Wow. That’s how it’s done.”
I am an observer.
Was it you that said that some of us learned to tolerate too much? Boy was that good. I tolerated my step mother treating very unkindly for a long time. I even tried to stand up for myself at one point over a certain issue… it didn’t work. I think I always felt like she didn’t see me… and you know what… she didn’t. She didn’t see the person I am and my Dad has said this more than once.
Anyway, I am not going to blame my Step-Mom for the Bad Man situation. There were a lot of elements that came together to allow me to allow THAT to happen. A friend recently said, “It was like The Perfect Storm.” Yeah. It was.
Now I am in the calm. Peace.
Anyway, I am so very glad when anyone gets any joy from my words. You had some pretty awesome words in this thread too.
Well, I am so tired. I have been baking all day and preparing for a Bridal Shower… my little sister’s shower. I have noticed that being around all this love stuff is kinda okay for me now. It’s good for me to believe a little again.. or at least to just see others that believe.
You know what I mean?
XO E
aloha “The Perfect Storm” YES That sums it up pretty darn good.