In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
Thank you Donna for the guidelines and for this site. My words don’t even break the surface in describing how much LF means to me and what a vital role it has played in my recovery.
I’ve only recently started to share but have been reading off and on for several months getting reassurance and learning new information. The men and women on here have hearts of gold in their courage to share openy about the abuse they’ve endured and to allow others to walk with them through their pain and along their road to recovery. Their insights, self discoveries and thoughtful words of encourgement are so valuable.
Thank you for giving us a place to learn, to vent, to cry, to share, to stumble and fall and to get back up. A place where we can learn to laugh again and to love knowing that we are not alone.
Donna
I too would like to thank you for this site. I was already a long way down the road of my recovery before I found it but I have still found great comfort here. Reading other people’s stories helps to reinforce what I’d eventually managed to work out – that is, I’m not the psychopath, no matter how many times he told me I was. He is the psychopath.
I cant find words to describe the feeling of finally finding people out there who ‘get it’. I once felt completely and utterly alone and my whole being would cry out for some understanding. Now, that feeling has gone, gone forever and the joy I feel to know that I wont ever have to feel that loneliness again is indescribable.
SassySarah
My heart goes out to you. I remember feeling the things that you are feeling now. Just reading your post brings it all back like it was yesterday. When I was first with the S, I had 2 small children from my 1st marriage. The S didn’t like having them around and I was always tying myself in knots trying to keep them from annoying him so that he’d be happy. I didn’t realise then that he would never be happy, no matter what I did. At one point, I almost let them go to live with their father just to try to please the S. I thank God that something held me back. I felt ashamed that I could even consider such a thing but over time I have come to realise that there is no need for shame. The S twists your mind so effectively that it’s impossible to think straight. Dont ever feel ashamed. The shame is on them.
It has taken me many years to reach the point that I am at now. That’s mainly because I had to do all this on my own. I didn’t know about this site. So stay with us Sassy, keep talking and talking and talking. Ask questions. Let it all out. You will gain so much comfort here and one day you will look back, see how far you’ve come and you’ll be amazed.
It’s good to meet you.
Sassy, I just gotta say I understand exactly where you are coming from. My first husband was very much like the one you are describing, and always somehow made his failures my fault. My second drove my kids away, and somehow I was too terrified to get away and choose to put them first. And they are now the most precious things in my life. Reading your story brought it all back in a painful way, but I hope you will hold tight to the suggestions and prayers you will find here at this site, these people are wonderful and caring.
Jane, your compassionate words never fail to comfort me, even when they are directed at someone else. I would have liked to have a sister like you.
Sassy
My heart goes out to you …right through the abyss and into the core.
I am so glad you found this site. What you just described is exactly what myself and likely most readers on this site experienced and understand to the point where we think you are actually describing our own partner/experience.
It doesn’t make sense…does it. None of it. At least it doesn’t at first but slowly through this site, research and endless self refection the senselessness slowly but SURELY dissipates.
The rude awakening (understatement) is realizing the existance of this kind actually isn’t just Hollywood. It’s face smacking and makes you question if you’ve been living a sheltered life all these years.
How could this possibly happen to someone whose entire life has been noble, truthful, contributing and loving? Logically, (or factually) we’re strong, intelligent, giving, compassionate, enthusiastic, humble, caring…the list is endless…and at the end of the day these same traits have been used as weapons towards us.
It’s so hard to comprehend that one person, in such a short amount of time, can carve up these qualities in us so much so that we can’t even see any longer what the hell the original art was.
I ask myself all the time…what kind of power is that ? How is that possible? to make me question such truth? and then…for me to sickenly..embarrassingly.. ask…was I really that inconfident to begin with? What power is this? To make me doubt myself.
Now that’s power. Goal number 1 for them.
I had a fairly normal upbringing, married in my late 20’s once for 10 years to a great guy but we just married too young so divorced very amicably 3 years ago. I’m a professional, independent and very successful and happy with my career choice. After being out of the single scene for a decade was a bit scared a but so excited and optimistic.
9 months later I met..”The bad man”. I am quoting another blogger on that name because on every level..that’s the best name …the guy I shouldn’t have taken the candy from. (nevermind gotten in the bloody van)…(sorry Aloha..hope you don’t mind me using it…love it)
Looking back…my Prince charming would have been “bad man’s short little cousin for me…but that of course could have been because I was in a sparkless marrige for ten years but regardless…I was ripe and he came galloping by. I was so swept up by his gorgeous looks, charm and uncanny ability to make me laugh uncontrollably.
Prince bad man started unravelling fairly quickly in hind sight… but initially I never realized I was actually a component in RISK. Before I knew it I was left defending one country (my soul) while the entire time his strategy was making me look in the sky while his army’s invaded. I was being told how precious and unique and beautiful I was. Constantly heard “you’re the only one who knows me. I’ll never find another you”. Text messages daily as I awoke “good morining beautiful”. All day long I’d get “I miss you” texts etc. Now…NOW I know that is/was all the strategy in taking over the countries. And now I think…How bloody vein can you be girl? I just loved the attention.
Then there was the sexual aspect. God it was like the guy was my in my own body…never felt close like that to anyone…suddenly the cocaine addiction he induced moved to crack.
All the while this goes on I’m finding myself having no problem giving him money. He always had an excuse for why he was victimized from either his employer, family or friend. Once he injects my veins with the crack lies (diversion of truth) I’m just a pity machine because how can such a caring sensitve man be so hard done by from society.
So I started giving him a bit of cash all in the understanding he will pay back once …A…B…C…occur. But that’s when things started getting worse…
Next thing I know I am wearing shirts which he feels are too provocative. Beleive me…this was like telling me I look like Grover all of a sudden. (“wait…I’m not even wearing blue I say!”) That’s the last thing someone would likely say about me…I’m somewhat jockey..kind of conservative and..in a profession where I need to be quite self aware. I’m a nurse…if that means anything..but you only see those in porns…which I later found in his closet.
Then..the male friend thing became such an issue that ..of course I was sleeping with them. He tried to ruin every relationship I had…males first but also female.
That’s when I first found out about the other women. He was soooo busy accusing me of infedelity that I was so sidetracked defending myself I wasn’t questioning him. I thought “boy does he ever care about me to be so concerned” He was my Prince.
Keep in mind all this was intermitent. I was being fed the crack in between all the invisible bombs and stabbings. I think that is their greatest skill. God I loved that crack and I know that now I see it for what it actually was. A diversion. Before I saw it as his true feelings…he thought so highly of me…appreciated me…loved me..”I want to marry you..you are my true love’. God if I hear “You are my true love” ever again in my life time …well lets just say I feel sorry for the guy who says that to me.
I could go on and on and as I’m sure every blogger could….and I already know I have enough. In brief, it got nasty…it got scary…it got insane. I don’t say those 3 words lightly…it really got to a survival mode that I only could have previously conceived being in if I was abandoned on some desolate island. At least the island I ended up on in this reality had police.
I knew I had to get out…and I did…but then ridiculously would miss the hell out of him (the crack) and I couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t talk to anyone because they already thought I was insane to have kept in this game for as long as I had. I’ve had relapses…but just about everyone in recovery has those and each time I have become stronger and stronger.
This sight has been my sanity. Everyone here understands. We’ve all been seeing the same person…male or female. They are all the same give or take minor details. Liars that get off on feeling powerful.
I used to want payback too… big time.. but realized firstlty, that’s not me and gonna take alot of work, secondly, that to do that only continues the game…which is exactly what they want.
The best payback is to end the game because it cuts off their oxygen. Once there’s no game…no air. That’s why they so quickly move to the next host without a second thought. Survival.
I have been reading this site now for two years. I don’t write much cause I feel repetetive with the same bloody story basically but I read and learn. I think about what life was like just over ten years ago without internet and how the heck people got through these experiences.
I am still moving through the fog but I see colour now more and more and I know that’s more and more of me.
JaneSmith,
I’ve modified rule #4. When a someone posts asking for help, feel free to respond. And thank you for responding to SassySarah.
Thank you Donna. Still looking out for us after all these years . . .
Benz
Kat,
Ok, you caused me to have a great big lump in my throat and my heart to swell. All I could say to your words is…”awww..that’s the sweetest thing to say ever!”
Thank you, doll, and I would love to be your sister even if only a cyber LoveFraud sister. **Huggs**
WiseandHealing,
What you wrote was powerful, brilliant and so comforting to me and hopefully to SassySarah. I wasn’t here two years ago, so you reliving your story is appreciated and is so very important for me and I’m sure, for all the lovely peeps on this website. Thank you.
yep, I remember 1 year ago it would take 3-4 days for one post to get 10-12 comments, now by the end of the day each post gets 10-20 comments easily…
By the way, how many people visit this website every day Donna?
i feel like im addicted to this website. this website is part of my daily life. it has helped me alot and it helps get though everyday. this is the only place i can get my thought and feelings out to others who understand
CellStemCell,
I think Donna said awhile ago that it was 700 or was it 7000? Lots! To all of the folks who don’t comment…
HI! How are you doing?
To the person who has been thinking about saying something but you are in too much pain… go ahead! Get it out!
:o)
Blondie.. it’s better to be addicted to LF that to a Sociopath. At least you know that the people here are commited to your well being and not to the destruction of you for entertainment,
Be addicted to LF for as long as you need. Pathological partners can really get under our skin and it takes a long time to get the toxin completely out.