In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
Hello everyone. My name is bird and I am addicted to Lovefraud. (audience “hello bird”) I read it everyday because I will forget if I don’t. I will forget his nature and then one day he will get a hold of me and I will think he is normal. Therefore I read Lovefraud everyday, so I don’t forget.
Hello, Bird, how is my Birdie baby? ((((Birdie))))) And my dear Bird, LF is a positive addiction, it keeps you from falling into “bad company” and keeps us all on the “straight and narrow” path to healing!
baby birdie is so cuddly and fuzzy soft:)
Hello I don’t want to call it an addiction, I prefer to call LF (life support). I will read here daily, to stay focused. I come here for support. I hope I can offer support and comfort to other’s. It was after I came out of the fog that I realized what evil I professed to love. I still think I am shell shocked at where I went. I was so desperate for support. I still can’t comprehend how another human can do what (they do) but they do and life goes on for all of us. We have to find (our) way, and nothing has ever helped me as much as LF.
All of your stories have me gobsmacked. It’s like I’ve already told mine………..same but different if you know what I mean. I once went to an AA for Families meeting because my 2nd husband is an alcoholic. I sat there and listened to each and every one of those women tell their story and I could relate to them all. This is very much the same. It’s been 7 years since I left him and I’m still looking for answers. After reading a lot of these entries I now know that it wasn’t just the alcoholism. This might very well be what I’ve been needing. Not a single day goes by without me thinking of him, and I hate it. The changes he made once I was gone didn’t fit the sad, depressed, pathetic creature he depicted. Like many of you I thought it was my fault that he was depressed even though he was like that when we first got together. He married a very young woman 18 months after I left. They worked together and she was married at the time as well. He used to tell me about her marriage woes and I’d say that she should leave because she’s young enough to start again. How dumb can one be??? I trusted him completely. He denies anything was happening before I left of course. Isn’t that part of the pattern??? There’s so much more but I don’t want to overdo it my first time on. You’re all amazing and I’m sticking around.
Hi Tulip55,
Glad you found us.
Our stories seem so strange until we stumble onto a community where there are so many that are like our own.
It does help with the healing…. :o)
Aloha
OK…I am getting it out – sociopaths BURN in HELL.
Seriously… bible proverbs say somewhere that “there are people who cannot sleep well, unless they did something evil that day” something like that. Just plain evil, something without the integrity, all they can do is to destroy other people’s lives. This is what they do for living.
Cell Stem Cell
Lovefraud averages over 1,000 visits per day. About half of visitors are repeat visitors.
LF is not alone on the net as a support group for suvivors either, there are HUNDREDS of them. Some more specific as Adult Children of Narcissists, etc. some Christian based, and other groups. I just think that LF is THE BEST and the most supportive with GOOD INFORMATION. The bloggers here seem to me to be above average in intelligence and knowledge and also in caring and compassion.
It is nothing but a “gut reaction” to me, but it seems to me that when a “newbie” comes here and posts that they seem to “get it” and to start to recover FASTER than on any other of the blogs I have seen. Of those that do post, it seems that within a very short time, they are actually giving good advice to others. That isn’t “scientific” at all, but just my observation.
It is quite often too that people do post something like “I’ve never posted here before, but I’ve been reading for a year” and there isn’t really any way to measure or know just how much knowledge and support those silent people have gained, but obviously they have gained something or they would have been “reading” for X period of time.
For many of us our “healing” has been over a period of years from “the P experience(s)” and though many of the experiences were romantic, there are others that have been friendships or parents or all of the above. The thing that seems the most “interesting” to me is that the INTENSITY of the experience for any victim is so much more than anything we have experienced in any other capacity.
I have a close friend whose only really “big” experience with a P was when her P was promoted to be her boss, and immediately fired her because she had previously rejected his drunken romantic advances when they were professional peers. That’s been 7 years ago and she is still reeling from the humiliation and anger. No one likes to be fired for any reason but the INJUSTICE of it, the public humiliation, etc. is something that still grates on her self esteem. Ultimately she got a much better position and it was an unwitting favor this man did for her, but still….it’s something she will always remember with anger and humiliation.
The support toward healing that LF provides for anyone who has dealt with or been victimized by a psychopath in any role is without price as far as I am concerned. I have directed several people to this site, none of whom have posted, but I know from talking to them that they have received supportive and beneficial help from this site. One of them has been my own son C, who just one year ago next week survived the attempt on his life made by his X wife and her lover. The recovery and healing he is experiencing I think is very much benefited by the things he has read here, that we then can discuss. There is no way I can express my gratitude enough for this site and the wonderful people here. I daily thank God for this site.
There’s a part of me that is relieved that so many people have found LoveFraud, in seeking answers to their relentless pain and suffering.
But there’s the other part that is saddened by the fact that a website like this is even necessary. And that there are so many confused, hurt victims still out there trying to understand why they are being ruthlessly, systematicly annihilated by a predator.
As Aloha said, for any readers out there who really want to write in but are afraid of being criticized or alienated by the members, that ain’t gonna happen. Ever. You all have something important to say, you all have your very own distinct lovable voices and this is your time to begin the path to healing. Today.
Someone will always be there to listen and care.