In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
little
no one will believe a word i say. i’ve been laying on the floor thinking that i would surely die . . . that no one could keep enduring this . . . that pure stress, no blood was the only thing in my body . . . but every day I wake(?) up to the same miserery. i went to my doctor to get some help to sleep. i tried to tell him i was in an abusive situation, and he just told me that “marriage is difficult” and “it takes two people” and “forgiveness” is the best medicine. he finally prescriped something to help me sleep, but it was the same thing as prescribed several years earlier and it hadn’t worked for me. i tried to tell him this, but he didn’t want to hear me. while i was at this appointment i found out my H called another of my doctors to get a refill of my pain meds for himself. i went to a therapist and he told me i was too sleep deprived to talk to. he told me to call my doctor again for different sleep meds. i told him i had already tried. he just told me to get sleep and call him in 3 weeks. i called back to my doctor to get different sleep meds and they called my H at work. he finally prescriped something different, just a few pills.
i finally slept last night . . . but i’m in the same nightmare . . .
i can’t get any help. my H is diagnosed as a sociopath but no one understands what it means. everyone thinks i’m unstable. my own dr (who knows about the diagonsis won’t talk to me – but calls H at work).
i don’t know how to get a handle on things . . .
JaneSmith
Oh, and if you feel associated shame in loving personality disordered individuals, fuggetabouit. I feel no shame, nada, zilch, zero, in loving not one, not two but at least four PDIs in the last 20+ years.
I also tolerated way too much bs, and forgave way too easily. I also allowed these men to treat me less than a dirty dish rag. I also believed these men in thinking I was ugly, stupid, worthless, useless, beneath their assumed superiority and arrogance.
Guess what? I am NOT what they would have me believe through their calculated abuse in an effort to destroy me.
I am a good, kind, loving, smart, witty, honest, compassionate, caring spirit and so are YOU!
Don’t let any man or woman rob you of the truth of yourself. You truly deserve the best that life has to offer you.
JaneSmith
Ok, Little, I’m here…
I feel so incredibly sad for what you are suffering right now. I’m not the wisest member on LF, nor am I a professional therapist, but I’m hoping you have a friend or family members that can offer help, maybe a temporary sanctuary from your S husband?
Living with a sociopath is nasty, terrifying business as all the LF members can attest to. You’ve taken the first step by commenting on LF, now we need to see if you can maybe take the next step: finding some relief from your harrowing situation. Is there anyone that you trust that can help you?
You are in a scary place right now, and yes I DO believe every word you are writing. Emphatically. Predators can literally wreck a person’s mental, psychological, physical state to the point where we think we’re the crazy ones. Not so, Little, you are NOT crazy. Don’t believe it.
And it seems to me that you’re doctor is unfamiliar with Personality disordered people and receiving advice from him is counterproductive for you in seeking answers, help, comfort, support from your experiences. You say that he is aware of your S husbands diagnosis but he doesn’t seem to be aware of the extensive damage he is causing you. hmm.
Maybe you should locate a more compassionate, learned doctor and give this one the boot. I can’t tell you what you should do but I can offer a suggestion with the intent of helping YOU.
We are here for you, Little, and I hope you realize that we do care and we do believe anything you write as so many of us on here have lived some insane times with PDIs.
Ox Drover
Dear Little,
I am so sorry that you are experiencing such stress and pain and that no one will listen to you. I am a retired advanced practice nurse, and it saddens me that your physician won’t listen to you. Is there a way you can go to another physician or a psychiatrist. Someone who WILL get it and be able to help you.
I suggest that you call a shelter for abused women, you don’t have to go there, but they will UNDERSTAND AND BELIEVE YOU and be able to get you some support emotionally. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing, and that alone was used as TORTURE for prisoners of war, and if you are not a “prisoner of war” with a psychopath I could not find a better description. You have come to the right place here for support and understanding, but I think you need MORE than we can give and aren’t getting it obviously. Call the police to get the name of a shelter near you, they will know the number if it is not listed in the phone book.
Keep coming back here though and post and let us know how you are doing. The people here DO CARE and we DO UNDERSTAND cause we’ve been there. ((((hugs))))) and I will keep you in my prayers.
alohatraveler
Little,
I agree with OxDover. Call a Women’s Shelter. You need a human being to believe you and validate what you are experiencing. They should have experience with the kinds of things you are going through.
Nothing makes me madder than that thing they do where they make us look crazy.
By the way, I would talk to the Police at this point about the situation. They do not have training with this. The Bad Man made me look crazy to a Police officer and it is quite a mind-F as we say.
Start by finding someone that believes you. You do need to leave this man before you completely self destruct.
We totally get what you are talking about. I don’t think I had it as bad as you but I recognize what you are talking about… sleeplessness, no where to turn.
Also, when you get help, it isn’t helpful to go back the the Sociopath and tell them… my therapist said…. blah blah blah about you! They don’t care and most likely he will attack you for getting help and make you feel like you have violated his trust by exposing personal problems or something whacked like that.
I am telling you think so that when he says it, you will realize it’s just part ot hte mind twisting formula… it’s not the truth.
You have a right to seek help and to rescue yourself out of this mess.
You are a person and your instincts are kicking in that you need help… this is what is right. Be prepared that whatever the S says… it’s not right even if it sounds a little bit right.. it’s not. NOT!
Hang in there….
alohatraveler
I meant to say.. I WOULD NOT talk to the police. By that I mean, I would not tell them all that is going on or try to get them to understand.
If you leave and you need a restraining order, I believe all you have to say is “I feel unsafe.”
Best yet, when you leave, let the Women’s Shelter assist you with these things. I didn’t go to a shelter.. I got on a plane and left the state!
It worked for me!
The Women’s Shelter people will listen to you and they will also likely know doctors and therapists that know how to work with victims of a Sociopathic abuser.
Good luck Little… We do understand you.
JaneSmith
Little? Are you there? Please feel absolutely free to express any thoughts, feelings, any of the experiences you’ve had with your S husband, if you feel comfortable enough to do so.
little
JaneSmith, oxdrover, alohatraveler,
i am here. thank you for responding.
i’m not sure where to turn. it scared me to death to call a shelter line . . . my H had me arressed 4 years ago (claiming domestic abuse). he withdrew his claim and the charges were dropped but i remain on a list of “abusers” in our county. after reading your posts, i tried to call 1.800 crisis and shelter numbers, but they just referred me back to my county (where, again, i’m listed as an “abuser”).
i’m truly at a loss of where to turn.
i appreciate your posts to me.
this is such a nightmare.
i’ve been married 16 years and i feel like any chances i had to leave are gone now. i don’t have a job . . . or any money . . or anyone who believes me . . .
kat_o_nine_tales
Hey Little, we believe you.
When I finally kicked my first husband out of my life, we’d been married 16 years, the police, social services, all our friends and even my own parents took his side.
How I managed to get away I don’t even know to this day, but it happened when I started acting calm, sane, and together. I wasn’t really any of those things by that point, but I knew my despair was making me look bad.
Two things I know are crucial…. distance, and a support group. If you distance yourself from your husband, you will feel so much better and less crazy every day, you will act more like your own self, start to remember who you are, and moreover, other people will have a chance to see him for what he really is.
If you get involved with a support group, even if you have to start with this online group, you will feel better and know you aren’t alone, and that you are believed.
Thirdly Little, and I hope you take this seriously, give YOURSELF permission to get out. You don’t need anyone else to believe you right now.. you have to believe in yourself enough to give YOURSELF a chance to get out. Otherwise he will consume your very life. Gotta love yourself girl.. please get a different doc. And you might sleep better if you get the hell out of there. Go stay with a friend or a relative if you have to… I had to take 4 kids to my grandmother’s house, but it was better than being with him. Good luck girl.
kat_o_nine_tales
Minor correction we were married 14 years when I first started getting away but it took two years to completely separate from him. I had no job either and we were both wrapped up with our small business. I had to sort of divorce the business as well.