In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
Dear Little,
Call the shelter locally, they know how the sociopaths work, and how they try to get US (you) labeled as an abuser for just defending yourself…don’t worry, call the LOCAL SHELTER and talk to them, tell them up front that your husband had you labeled and why. They have dealt with this before.
You are not a PRISONER and you have HUMAN RIGHTS. I wish I could reach out through the computer and help you, but unfortunately I can only give you advice, and I am with Aloha that you need a HUMAN BEING to validate you and help you.
The psychopaths want the victim powerless, no money, no friends, no family….so that they can keep you under their control. It may feel like you have no where to turn, but the local shelter will advise you, just be up front with them. They are your best resource now. Come back here any time and talk to us, we will be your “cheering squad” and will give you our best advice from the heart, but it’s all we can do to help you, except to pray for you and I know I can and will do that. (((hugs)))) BTW I believe in you!
Little and Kat_o_nine_tales,
Kat… this sounds like you would have the best advice for Little. I wasn’t married, don’t have kids, and didn’t have that many years with Bad Man.
All I know is that there should be someone that will understand, once they speak to Little, why there would be a record on her being an abuser. Ooooo that makes me so mad at the butt face!!!
Little, I admire your strength. People think it is a weak woman that stays with an abuser but we know that it takes so much energy to cope with what you have been through. You still have some strength in you because you are reaching out. You are in the thinking process of making a plan. It’s not easy to leave one of these guys.
I have not worked for a Women’s Shelter but I did work for a Homeless Family Shelter and I bet it has some of the same elements.. like a case manager to help you get on your feet.
Take care Little… You can do it!
Well in my experience with the women’s shelters I tried.. they suck.
They seem convinced that every woman who comes there is a brainless victim.
Anyhow, no matter who you talk to.. except for your therapist, don’t let em see you sweat. Be calm, be firm, and be committed to getting away.
Little.. if you are anything like me one thing that is holding you back is sheer inertia. I barely had the energy to get through the day back then, nevermind try to organize a move. In fact if I hadn’t been convinced he was practicing to murder me, I don’t think I would have had the guts to get out.
But in the end, if you go under by his attacks, don’t let it be because you knuckled under and didn’t fight for your rights.. you have to fight, Little, you have to demand what’s yours.
Get angry Little.. get fighting mad.. part of depression and not sleeping is holding a terrible anger in check all the time, and fighting anxiety. Get mad.. and let anger do what it’s supposed to do.. protect you from being walked on.
Little,
Please do not loose hope. Whatever you think and as alone as you may feel, there is a way out. Disregard the bars you see…they are an illusion. You are not stuck.
I’m so glad you found this site because even if it’s all you have right now, it will anchor your strength.
It sounds as though you are in a small town which undoubtedly makes things more difficult, especially if you already feel discreditable. Having no money is most definately an intimidating reality but that fact should not control your future…it is only temporary. First things first. Safety/sanity.
Oxy is right about the women’s shelter. The staff should be very aware of the many facets of abuse. They should also have a ton of resources for getting people the appropriate services they need whether it be housing, finances or counselling.
I am only familiar with how our services/systems work in Canada but can only hope if you are not from here that they are similar where you are.
I hope you will keep coming here for support.
This site is truly what kept me from loosing myself completely…which, if I hadn’t found it, would have most certainly resulted in becoming a vegetable or suicide. Noone truly understands what transpires in the clutches of this alien experience. Whether it’s mild or harsh, 3 months or 30 years in those socio clutches, the shock of living in it, through it, and suddenly realizing somehow you’ve disintegrated into dust specs… is just inconceivable to a person who has not encountered it. And that’s how the stigma goes on…the thinking that men/women are weak being in abusive realtionship. “why don’t they just leave? or…why does she/he stay?”. Aloha is so right that it is just the opposite living and enduring it….that takes bloody strength…the same strength that will propel you out.
We are here, beleive you and understand.
(((((Hugs)))))
little….i am so sad for you……do you have any family anywhere that you can stay with and get on your feet………if they are in the same county or another, you can still go to the womans shelter and with persistence will find a soul that DOES believe that you are being abused and isolated and will certainly realize that many spouses will accuse the other in an attempt to get the focus off themselves……….i had several police officers involved in my situation and although the first and captain of them was such a jerk and actualy immediately took the side of my ex creature and even wrote a report that i was ugly to him when i had him removed with nothing but essentials, the others were either impartial or supportive……..although he may have isolated you from family and/or friends, im sure there is someone who knows you are a good person and will elp……..if not, a church or a shelter will……….i agree your doctor and therapist are of no help….many times it takes several choices to find the right one……..frustrating, but true…….i find the courts usually are affiliated with therapists that are reasonable, less expensive, familiar with sociopathic behavior and will not turn someone away..they will try to find help for someone……..dont give up………………………additionally, until finding the right support, i have seen many people on this site……get farther along in their healing and developing strength to dig their way out of the situation…than in some that use a paid therapist……………one of the other posters mentioned to NOT tell your husband that you are seeking help…..SOOOO important….and hard to do…because they notice subtle changes and then become nice, to sucker us into believing them and sharing what we are doing…..dont fall for this, like so many of us did…………….finally, uou mentioned that he called one of your doctors and had a presription that was for you filled out for him…….i would immediately call that office and MAKE them make a note of that in YOUR chart……..that is ILLEGAL and you have put them on notice that if you want a mediction, only you are authorized to call for it…….unless you have given wrtten permission, they are NOT allowed to share any of your medical information even with a spouse……..you will put some fear in tthem and i would definitely find myself a new primary physician and when finding the right compassionate one, or a nurse practitioner, tell him/her about this………………sometimes having some action to take, makes you feel stronger, and i do hope you realize all this is said because we really do care about your life
in re reading my post it may have been confusing;;;;i understand that he had a prescription that was originally written for you, refilled in your name, but for him to use……..
Dear Little,
One of the things I think that no one has mentioned that is very importnat is
DO NOT TELL HIM THAT YOU PLAN TO LEAVE. Start on your PLAN.
Right now, you need to start to get your plan in order, calling a shelter for help is only the first step. Unless you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER FROM HIM, in which case, run out of the house, call the cops, leave even if it means sleeping on the side walk. DO NOT LET HIM HURT YOU.
Don’t give him a clue that you have any plans, though. If possible, get some money, even a dollar or two and hide it in a place you have access to it.
get your personal papers, birth certificate, social security card, etc together in an envelope and put it where you can easily get it in case you have to flee quickly. Also, if you have access to his papers and he has assets that are in his name only, wirte down to name of the banks, the account numbers, make, model and license number of all vehicles he owns, and which company he is making payments to, account numbers ect.
Put your essential personal hygeine items in a spot all together, preferably in some sort of container that can be grabbed quickly, along with any medications you routinely take.
Get a “get away” package of clothes together and put it where he will not find it, or see any sign that you have a PLAN.
Little, I know when you are depressed it seems almost too much to get the energy up to get out of bed, much less put together a plan. Everything seems hopeless, and that is what he wants you to feel. he wants you off balance so he has all the power.
Getting MAD is good, it will give you strength, but don’t let your anger cloud your judgement. Keep everything secret from him. Don’t tell a soul that he knows.
Another source of help might be to call AA or Alanon, these people also deal with abuse and might be a good resource.
If your husband is taking the drugs (pain pills) that are prescribed for you, he is taking these narcotics illegally, so it is obvious he has some sort of substance problem.
Hang on, even by your fingernails, Little. and KEEP LOOKING for some help in this situation. THERE IS SOME HELP OUT THERE FOR YOU, you just have to NOT GIVE UP! (((hugs))) and you are in my prayers.
Yes Little,
If nobody will help you.. help yourself.. keep it a secret, and be firm.
Oxy.. I mentioned anger because right now she seems to be in despair of finding anyone to believe her and give her permission to get out. I remember that feeling so well. The anger is there, have no doubt about that. But at this point I’d almost rather see her run screaming than stay there.. she is so much like me I’m afraid her husband is also setting her up to lose her life.
Thanks for the posting guidelines! It is always nice to know the rules which keeps us all safe and happy.
I too take this (written text) into consideration when posting on LoveFraud or anywhere else. Misinterpretation is very easy whenever we write our feeling and thoughts. The best intentions can and will sometimes be misunderstood. So when I do comment or reply I try hard to proofread and spell check it as much as possible. Of course time is always a factor and I do make mistakes.
One question would be is it alright to “tell” others about this site and give them the link to the site which I do all the time. For me LoveFraud is a God sent. It has so much information and yes I too have seen some very good things come out of this site. I just wish more people who need this site would be able to find it faster. There are a few “sites” that I highly promote and Lovefraud is one! I have at times also posted the link on a blog when ever I hear a “cry” for help. If these people ever come here I don’t know and believe that isn’t what is important. Anonymity sometimes is best and still other times is of great important to the writer i.e. poster which I respect greatly.
As for me James is my real name and am proud to be a part of this site!