In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
Kat,
You better not disappear on us, woman. And no crawling into a hole, ok?
The pain you are feeling now is so very normal and natural. Eventually the anger, the fury will surface and supercede any and all grief. Go with it, hon. That anger is healing. It proves to you that you truly respect and love yourself and you are realizing that you didn’t deserve to be mistreated, to be used-abuse-devalued-and discarded.
Yes, it’s happened to me more times that I like, but I have made a solemn oath to myself that I will not allow such nastiness, such cruelty to be a part of my life ever again.
I remind myself of this oath daily, hourly, minutely so I don’t forget the crap I tolerated, endured, accepted at the foul, selfish hands of a predator.
You are super duper strong, super duper lovely and super duper great!! *hug*
Oh how I wish my best friend had read this article
last year! In Jan 2007 she married a man
she met on the web, & only knew him ONE
DAY in person before they got married! yes,
only ONE DAY in person! After 4 months of pure
hell she managed to get out with her mind
& body intact, but it has taken well over a year
for her to begin to recover from the emotional
scars. I kept telling her ‘you can’t possibly really
know someone until you actually meet them in
person’ OH the things we do for ‘LOVE’
Thankyou for this wonderful website & keep the
articles coming!! Susan
I hope it’s okay to post my story. I am just feeling a HUGE connection to those who have posted on this site. I don’t know if I “qualify” as a victim, but hopefully I can gain some insight from everyone. My LONG story is below…
Met a guy in 1990 when I was 17, dated for 5 weeks, blah, blah…broke up because we were at different high schools, he moved out of state a year later in early 1992. Fast forward to the summer of 2004. Through Classmates.com, I connected with this man again. Turns out, we were both in marriages that had gotten a bit “boring” in our minds. We are both flirtatious by nature, so we commnicated via email every few months for over a year, nothing major.
Feb 2006…life changed for me forever. He was in Massachusetts visiting his daughter and called me up to meet. Why not, right? We met mid day at a restaurant with his 11 yr old daughter and her 9 yr old half sister, who calls him Daddy, also. Well..eyes locked, and I was transported to 1990. Within an hour of meeting, we ended up in a passionate kiss. (After the girls were home, of course) He met me the next day for a few minutes, kissed again and planned to meet for drinks with his friends the next night. Thanks to a lovely blizzard, that did not happen, however, we did exchange cell phone numbers and he went back to Arizona the following day.
We took our telephone/IM/Email/MySpace relationship to a deeper level, while we were both married. Not proud of it, but I couldn’t fight my feelings. We could talk for HOURS…and did, every day for a year. The I love you’s started early on and we felt our feelings from high school never fully vanished.
March 2007. He visited again. His daughters and my daughters met and spent the day together. I met his friends from high school. He stayed at a local hotel and I spent every night there until at least 2am. Things got emotional and physical…and in the truest sense of the word, I CHEATED on my husband. From that moment on, I knew things were serious. I sent him gifts like a digital camera to take pictures to send to me of the children, gifts for his children, gift cards, clothes, Red Sox, Patriots and Bruins stuff..several thousands of dollars worth of stuff over the months. I wanted to see him happy, so I thought those things might make him smile.
I traveled to Arizona in August 2007 with his daughters and spent a week there. My husband, not thrilled, but thought I needed a vacation. Well…I got one. Spent a week in a hotel suite with his daughters, as well. Met his three other children (2 from his marriage at the time, 1 from a previous relationship) and many of his friends. I also got to meet a friend from MySpace that I met through him which was great! We went to the Daughtry/Nickelback concert, which I will never forget. We also exchanged “committment vows” in Sedona, AZ on August 17, 2007 and exchanged rings, to be each other’s soulmate forever. Tears were shed when I left with his daughters on Aug 19th. Forgot to mention that just prior to my visit, his wife threw him out…so his sister graciously took him in. Though while I was there, he stayed at the hotel with us. Mind you, this whole trip and plane tickets for all three of us was paid for by ME…as well as the hotel and a rental SUV for the week.
Enter Dramageddon 2007… John (yes, that’s his first name) had a good friend that is a female from work, whom I was always a little suspicious of their relationship. Thought it was more than he let on…he always denied it up and down. In early September, it was “announced” that this friend was pregnant, and expecting in just 4 weeks. John laughed at the thought that this child could be his, because they had never been intimate! Suffice to say…that was not the case.
The blessed event happened on October 1st and their daughter was born. He denied for weeks that this was his child and she never revealed anything, either. Well…then John went away for a long weekend in late October with his children to Mexico…oh, and the wife, as well. During this time, the “baby’s mom” contacted me to let his eldest child, who lives in MA, know that if she wants to know about her little sister, she could ask anytime. WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait, what??? Yes, she confirmed this latest child, (his fifth biological with a fourth woman) was in fact, his. He had been at the hospital when she delivered and promised to take care of them both. He denied this child up and down to this point.
Ok…so all hell broke loose. The baby’s mom and I compared notes, including the dozen purple roses he sent me just one week before at work and the ring he bought me in Sedona. I learned all about the baby and how he spent many nights at her apartment with she and the baby. After much chaos, he admitted the truth to us both, and we told him to go to hell, or so we thought. A few days later, I broke down emotionally. John’s sister, whom I had developed a very close friendship with and whom he was living with, even flew to Massachusetts for the weekend because I was so upset. On my way to get her at the airport, my husband called. Apparently, the relationship with John and I was revealed to him by a friend of mine and confirmed by another. So, I was at the airport picking up his sister, BAWLING my eyes out. I was on the phone with John when I got there (and he was trying to work things out between us at this time) and his sister handed me a box. In this box was a 1/2 ct. past present future, 3 stone diamond ring set in white gold. I broke down in tears. I asked him what it meant, and he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Oh…this was getting intense.
That same night, his wife was told about the baby by the new baby’s mom at a party. Apparently, there was also some “new family time” at this party. So now he is trying to make it work with me…and the new mom….while not letting his wife find out too much. Makes sense. NOT! A week later, I decided that I had to face him in person and make hardcore decisions about our relationship. My husband said I should go, assuming I would be breaking it off. Truthfully, I didn’t know WHAT would happen. I took a week off work (unplanned, which led to the demise of my career) and went to Arizona. I stayed with him at his sister’s apartment, spending much time with his children and family. We had a big fight, but in the end, he proposed in person, with the ring. I left teary eyed again, but with the promise that we would be married. I got off the plane, called my husband and said we would be going through with the divorce and I was planning to be with John, most likely in Arizona.
Early December, I am very suspicious of his actions. He was testy, defensive and we fought all the time. We agreed to take a 3 day break from speaking, then decide where we were headed. Oh that was a hellish 3 days. It got worse, because on the 3rd day, he said he wanted to be with the baby’s mom. I was crushed beyond belief. I couldn’t believe this was happening just a few weeks after he professed his love for me with a ring!! We agreed to be friends. In the meantime, it was Christmas season and I was without a fiance and in the process of a divorce. My husband, who always wanted it to work, called off the divorce. We agreed to make it work, if I cut contact with John. Yea…that didn’t last.
**********
Within a week of John’s decision to end our relationship, we were talking every day and admitting our love and attraction was still very strong. He claimed the baby’s mom was not Miss Right, but Miss Right NOW. He said he was with her for the sake of the baby…period. His sister came to visit again on Christmas day and we had a wonderful time! He sent gifts for me and his daughters, along with birthday and Christmas cards for me, professing his love and calling me his angel, as he always had.
Mid-January…he was tiring of the baby’s mom. She was suspicious of every move he made and every time he spoke to me. With GOOD reason, I say! He couldn’t take her “insecurities” and supposedly broke up with her in the third week of January. The same week, he lost his job over this drama with her, so he claims. I sent him hundreds of dollars to pay his sister for rent, pay his phone bill…even use my credit card as an authorized user. My husband found out about $1500 in money transfers to him and called the lawyer to restart the divorce…but after a few weeks, decided to work things out with me again. I didn’t know what was happening and was confused, so I went with it.
In late February, he came for a 3 day weekend to visit. (I paid for the plane tickets and hotel, as well as all meals and entertainment) It was just me and his friends, as he felt just seeing his daughters for a few hours would be too emotional for them. Now I have to wonder why I agreed to that theory. His friends, well OUR friends, and I had a birthday party for him at his hotel. We had dinner with my friend from high school and her fiance. We also went into Boston for a great night with a friend of HIS from high school and her fiance. He proposed again with the ring at Nantasket Beach. When he left, it was to take care of business so we could be together…most likely in MA. This whole time, he is only talking to the baby’s mom for the sake of the baby…or so he says.
His sister, at this point, is sick of him not working, not contributing and causing emotional drama with the baby’s mom, the soon to be ex-wife, the children, me…it was A LOT. She tells him he is going to have to leave. In the meantime, he agreed to move to Boston to be with me and be closer to his daughter here and her sister, his “pseudo-daughter” as he affectionately calls her. Drama was mounting leading up to this move. It got really bad, I couldn’t concentrate at work…and though it was a “business decision”, I was laid off in mid March. He was still coming to live here, though! So…I had to prepare financially, as I was already over $20,000 in debt, mostly for things for him.
I raced to get a place to live, and rented the first floor of a house about 20 minutes away. The woman who lived there needed the extra money, so we got a bedroom and living room to ourselves, while sharing the kitchen, bathroom, laundry, deck and yard. $750 plus security deposit. I then needed to get a bed…$480. I paid for John to fly here on April 7th. Told my husband I was leaving for a while, needed to figure out where my life was headed and that yes, I was still in love with John. (Enter, divorce back ON) John and I got our little home set up and spent hundreds on a TV, internet access, cable, food, linens, organizers…. I was paying for every meal and driving everywhere. Didn’t matter, I wanted this to WORK! I was in love and we were going to make this happen. He introduced me at a wedding as his fiancee to everyone we met. He told his daughters that we were going to get married and showed them the ring that he, once again, put on my finger.
April 21st…he gets a call saying he needs to be back in AZ for a divorce hearing in 7 days. WHAT????? Ok…nice notice. I had no desire to have him leave, but what could I do? He had to go because, as he said, he can’t marry me without getting divorced first. He swore he would be back in less than a week. His mom said she would put him on a plane herself if she had to! I reluctantly paid for another plane ticket on a Wednesday evening, and he left that next morning. While he was gone, I stressed over the fact that he wasn’t keeping me informed of his plans on coming back. Said he was going to drive back in his car. I had given him my Target card to buy formula and diapers for the baby while he was there and gave him my debit card for the trip. (I had taken out my 401k savings of almost $7,000 prior to him leaving) I told him to spend whatever he had to to fix his car for the trip. His mother (who had been foreclosed on because, as SHE says, I didn’t give her $5000 to keep the house) was moving that same week. He had a court meeting on a Monday and planned to leave on Tuesday. I knew something was strange when he didn’t call me and got very angry when I tried to call him to find out the status. Needless to say, I told him he better not break up with me over the phone and make me ship all his stuff back and move out alone. He assured me he wouldn’t. Well…I purchased ANOTHER plane ticket for him to come back to Boston that following Monday. I swore I wouldn’t pay for another one, either. He would have to find another way back to AZ if he left again. That night he arrived, we had dinner and agreed to “make this happen”. Strangely, his suitcase was almost empty. Just 2-3 changes of clothes. He claims it was all still at his mother’s house and he forgot to pack everything.
I bought picture frames for the walls to put pictures of his children in. We spent a day at the beach having lobster and talking about how we would make our marriage work. Though during this time, he was insistant that he should get back to AZ for me to arrive, because Boston wasn’t going to work for us. I wanted him, so I agreed AZ was the place to live, once again.
Mother’s Day weekend…oh, it gets interesting. He was depressed, said he missed his children (oh, no feelings for the ones HERE that he barely sees?) but we agreed that we would book him a flight on Sunday for that week and I would prepare to move to AZ. We got tattoos in RI that Saturday, I spent close to $900 on them, as I got a purple rose on my ankle and a Celtic angel he chose for my lower back. He got a Boston Bruins/tribal armband and an angel kanji, for ME. I paid for a nice hotel that night as we had dinner and drinks with friends…another few hundred dollars.
Mother’s day, we had breakfast and a huge argument that day. I told him I wasn not convinced that he was not still with the baby’s mom, as he always hid every sign of me from her…and her “myspace drama” was all about how they were still together. Soooooo…he gave me his word that he would make US work, that he would convince HER that there was nothing there and that she can’t threaten to not let him see the baby unless he’s WITH her. I reluctantly booked another flight for the next day back to Arizona. I left him at the airport on May 12th…the last thing he said was that he was getting things ready for me to move there and to give him a few weeks to get a job and get a place for us to live. I had to pack up the place we were staying in…after paying another $750 for the month of May…had to leave the brand new bed there as I had no way to take it with me and couldn’t deal with the girl who lived there anymore. Billy (my husband) agreed to let me move back to my house. The girls never knew, since I put them to bed every night, and drove to the house at 4:45am every day so Billy could go to work. I also drove John to see his daughters while I was there every evening.
Within a week, things were just not right. More myspace drama with the baby’s mom saying that they got an apartment for them and the baby. WHAT????? He denied that one up and down. I mailed him some of his things that he left behind in Weymouth, along with personalized Red Sox, Pats and Bruins hats and a photo of Fenway Park for the wall. He became more distant and argumentative as the days went on, still denying any relationship with the baby’s mom. Worrying how he was going to pay child support for the two children from his recently divorced wife, as well as back child support for his two other biological daughters. He never applied for unemployment in January, either….and to my knowledge, is still not working.
So…early June 2008…turns out the baby’s mom and he moved in together. He still attempts (and succeeds) to talk to my on his last break at work. (He’s making barely minimum wage working stock overnights) He claims he still loves me and calls me his soulmate and angel…STILL!!!
Should I be angry? Yeah…probably. I mean, I am. I am just so hurt that he seems to have left me, used … and hasn’t even admitted to me that he moved in with her, but I know he has from his family members and her myspace drama. (She delights in posting how wonderful their little family home is and how they are talking about moving to the next stage in their relationship) Yea, it hurts. It’s painful to a level I never knew before. How can she win? After all I did to make us work? It breaks my heart to think I wasted so much time making things right for us. Down to paying his cell phone bill for several months…even after finding out he pays for the baby’s mom’s cell on his bill, too!! He just FORGOT me! Was I that bad in the relationship? I forgave him for so much and tried to help him in every way I could. I guess it was never enough. I have been driving my friends crazy by not being more upset or just let him go. I can’t forget so much. Just over 4 weeks ago, we were still engaged and I was moving to Arizona. Now this??? To top it off, my husband, Billy, STILL wants to work things out with me. (enter, calling off divorce again)
So, now I get to file for bankruptcy. I have to take my daughters out of the private school that they love because I now have too many expenses to pay and can’t afford it. The worst part? I still miss this guy!
know how you feel but gotta say.. red flags everywhere that guy must have been one hell of a talker. I would be real thankful you didn’t get pregnant.. and I know you’re hurt.. but I think your husband sounds like a bigger victim than you hon.
OH and Jane.. I love ya gf.. you made me smile. Is it ok to give out my email on here? it’s not a very big secret.. kind of an all purpose email.
Dear Donna,
Welcome Donna,
We’ve all been scammed by one or more of the psychopaths. I suggest that you read and read and read, and learn as much as you can about psychopaths. They are pretty much cut out by the same cookie cutter as far as the fact that they are LIARS LIARS LIARS, and that there is NO HOPE that they will get better. They are USERS USERS USERS. They hold out this “great hope” of a “soul mate” to us and we fall for it until it all comes crashing down on our head.
You’ve come to the right place to learn and to heal. Knowledge=power and we have to learn in order to heal and get back on with our lives.
Good luck, and welcome.
Donna-
Stop thinking of you. Start with the husband and children.
I don’t know if you shoudl go back to your husband- I mean if he’s a decent guy, he hardly deserves what you’ve done and continue to do.
And your poor children- wake up. The psycho user is the least of your problems…get a mirror. I say this sincerley- stand up and be a mother- get some character and do the right thing by people who obviously love you.
Thank you for another example of why I should run like hell from my psycho.
kat_o_nine_tales, thank you! You are absolutely correct in that my husband was a bigger victim. It’s nauseating that I cannot just be HAPPY with HIM, but that’s work that I will need to get to once I get over this disaster. I mean, I feel like I need to get past it before I can move on in my marriage…that is, if that makes ANY sense. Yes, I am SO thankful that I did not end up pregnant. Sadly the current girlfriend/baby’s mother is holding the child over his head so I don’t even know if there is true love there either. I wish I didn’t feel so badly that I “lost” somehow, even though I know I didn’t. My husband and my children are here for me and my friends are all very supportive, even though I wrote them off for so long for HIM. I hate that the current girlfriend seems to have “won” in some twisted way. I don’t know.
OxDrover, thanks for your kind words and welcome! I appreciate it all!!!!!!
holywatersalt, I deserve that. I deserve the pain and guilt. I appreciate your honesty.
Dear Donna,
We can’t go back and change the PAST–what is is what is. We can ONLY change the future.
Please read here and read and read and read, the essays, read them all. There is so much wisdom here to help you see what happened. Why you got hooked. Why you are still hooked (addicted) to this man.
His GF did not “Win”—you did, you are away from him. He is like a rattle snake. There is nothing “nice” or “loving” about him. Look at how he has treated every woman in his life. LIES LIES AND MORE LIES. What makes you think he won’t lie to you MORE? He already has lied to you, to all of the women.
You are just another notch on his bedpost. That is typical of them ALL.
I strongly suggest that tomorrow as soon as the offices open that you get some professional counseling to help you through this chaos. Yes, you’ve “made a mess” but you are also the victim of this psychopath, and your husband and your children are also victims.
Your “boring”marriage left you vulnerable to the “mirror” he held out reflecting this “soul mate” you were hungry for.
There isn’t a person on here who is here because they didn’t get conned by one of these people–or more than one. So you are in GOOD COMPANY, there are lots of smart men and women here,ALL of which have made mistakes, been taken in and conned. Done things we shouldn’t have done.
But none of us can change the past, all we can do is to pick ourselves up here, admit our own mistakes, and try to heal.
You are no better and no worse than the rest of us. ((hugs)))