In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
Hey Donna don’t go around thinking you deserve pain and guilt, well maybe a little guilt… lol.
But I wanted to say something for your consideration. In the beginning of my first marriage, I did not realize what a crazy P my husband was. All I knew was that I was not getting my needs met. He wasn’t abusive, or anything I could put my finger on. He just didn’t do it for me. But I was so bound up in the idea that I made those vows to him, I did some crazy stuff. Rather than just maybe be honest with him that I thought I made a mistake, I went looking for love in all the wrong places.
That, of course, made me the bad guy and him the innocent victim. So I went back to him, and the guilt held me there for nearly 15 years. Not until the last two years, when I started going to a support group and changing my own behavior, did his “victim” mask fall away. Then and only then he became openly abusive, and his rage became extreme.
So I want to say.. even though right now you think this is all your fault, keep in the back of your mind, if you are that miserable in your marriage, you may not want to drag it on for ten or fifteen more years out of guilt. Your husband’s extreme willingness to forgive and try again to me is a little suspicious.
Just think it over, take it slow, get some counseling and remember, your psycho ex-bf is the major abuser here and made victims out of you all, even the new girl. After all, she is probably holding baby over his head just like any of us would, nobody wants to be left alone with a baby to raise.
I am just a little worried that your obvious guilt in this matter will give your husband a “get out of jail free” card for the rest of your lives, because he is “obviously” a terrific man who didn’t deserve a “horrible” wife like you. He just seems a little too nice to be true, I know that sounds mean, but I was with someone like that and he fooled me for years into thinking I was the only one who ever did wrong. My job in the family became the job of the black sheep, my job was to take all the blame so everyone else could live guilt free.
In the end, I felt like a starving beggar, crawling under the table for crumbs of self esteem. Behave yourself AND forgive yourself Donna, nobody is perfect.
Donna-
We do not know what your current marriage is like, but your solution to whatever problems there were was destructive.
And with children we have an obligation to act for their benefit, not our own.
I know the allure of a “soul mate” – in my case I bailed before the sex, separation drama….I had strong feelings and was used too. I am going to write on it.
But I was culpable, the psycho is never all powerful- we have free will if even just in our hearts. They do not offer love, so why do we think what they give is love?
It’s a long journey, but the first part really is total no contact and reconstructing the base of your life. I cannot judge your husband and I think it is wrong of any of us here to do so- he may be a great guy or not- that’s not the immediate issue.
Start with total no contact and prayer. Make amends to the children and be honest with husband. Keep posting.
Dear HWS. I think Donna said, sometime ago, that after the intense bonding at the start of the r/ship, they inject anxiety and drama into the mix as a catalyst to increase the intensity of the bonding.
Yep, that’s it Bev. It’s so hard to realize – all a manipulation.
Dear Donnac1218,
First you must realize you were never engaged to this man. He had no intention of ever marrying you. Engaged by definition I believe means the intent to marry. He was not ever going to marry you.
I am not scolding you. I just want you to get this.
You have been a puppet responding to all the things he said but not to the things he did. You are responding to his words and not to his actions. What if you turned the volume off and just watched yourself in this show… running here, running there, paying for this paying for that, moving moving moving, paying paying paying. Look at all that!
Forget about the special glances across the room or the way he touched your cheek or whatever crap he was using to keep you spinning.
Don’t ask yourself, “Why wasn’t I good enough.” This question will keep you trapped. Listen to what I am saying… this was not about being good enough for him. This is not about you not being good enough. Also, this other woman did not “Win” anything. Look at the prize! It’s the ultimate BOOBY prize! Let that “winning” thing go. A man that has integrity does not need to be won away from another woman. A good man doesn’t play multiple women against eachother.
The other thing strange about this story is that his family seems kind of strange. Either they are completely swept up in his drama or they are scam artists too.
This sounds like a junior high school love drama except the stakes are much much higher. I am not saying this to be insulting. Think about it. Secret trists. ONe girl trying to win out over the other. Sister’s delivering messages of love. Friends helping to create situation in which the forbidden starcrossed lovers can meet. What the hell is this?!
Donna, you must must must go completely NO CONTACT with this man. Your new obsession is to read LoveFraud. Every time you feel like you must speak to him or read the “winner’s” MySpace page, read 3 or 4 articles here plus ALL the comments. That should keep you busy. Think of LoveFraud as your “methadone” because you have been addict.
It’s okay Donna. We ALL have been addicts.
When you are unhappy or bored in your marraige, or 40 and single, or recently widowed, or.. fill in the blank… you are a vulnerable pick of a Sociopath… especially one like yours.
When I was coming down from my addiction, a friend told me, “Sometimes we get addicted to someone because they make us FEEL.” He went on to explain that it doesn’t neccessarily have to be something good that we feel… we will settle for anything if we have felt flat and lonely and bored for a long time.
The Bad Man made me feel good for a very short time. He made me feel VERY bad for a VERY VERY LONG time. Just like drugs.
Good luck sweet lady. I do hope you will wake up soon to your real life. This man you are addicted to is TOXIC.
Dear DonnaC,
The Bible tells us that NONE OF US IS WITHOUT SIN, so that means that you are just like the rest of humanity, you make mistakes. You do things that you should not have done. Big deal. You have now realized that what you did was destructive to yourself and your relationship at least with your children, as you would not want them to follow your example in this behavior.
But you know what, acknowledging that we have “sinned” (done wrong) is the FIRST STEP in an apology to those we have hurt and to OURSELVES.
The psychopath does not acknowledge his own wrong doing, though sometimes they will PRETEND TO, even with tears and all the “right words” but they don’t truly acknowledge that they have done ANYTHING WRONG. You have done that by acknowledging that you had a relationship with this man while you were married to another. That takes courage and accountability, responsibility, and I applaud you grandly for being strong and courageous enough to take this FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT STEP.
Now that you have made that first step, you are ready for the next steps—healing and undoing, to the best extent possible, the damage you have done to YOURSELF and to your children, to whom you DO owe an obligation to be a role model for.
I agree that NO CONTACT ABSOLUTELY with the psychopath is the step that you need to make now. Both for yourself and for the sakes of your children. The “reasons being” that HE IS A LIE, HE DOES NOT CARE FOR YOU, HE WILL CONTINUE TO LIE TO YOU, AND TRY TO SUCK YOU BACK INTO HIS WEB. You CANNOT HEAL while you have any connection or communication with him.
Let’s pretend that you are addicted to “drugs” and he is your “supplier” —- could you get off the “drugs” as long as you hung around this peddler of “drugs?” Of course not, so you must get away from him.
Of course you will for a wile continue to WANT to see him, want to talk to him, and want “the drugs” that he has available, and you will go “cold turkey” thinking about him almost 24/7–wanting what he has to offer. But you will SURVIVE this, it is not fatal, and it will not last forever.
I think that you should get some counseling from a professional as well. This will help you to stay strong and put yourself back together.
As for your relationship with your husband, since he hasn’t posted on here, I have no idea what his thoughts or feelings or behavior has been. But even if he is “prince charming” and the most “holy saint of a husband” in the world, your marriage to him won’t “work” until YOU are healed. What was there lacking in YOU (not in your marriage or husband) that made YOU vulnerable to this “snake oil salesman” of a psychopath that you would “buy his illusion and fantasy”?
When my own personal verison of the “snake oil salesman” came along with his wares, I was a widow of under one year, lonely, vulnerable and hurting—-and I grabbed at his wares like a drowning woman would grasp at a straw to try to stay afloat. I KNOW what my vulnerablity was. I was lonely, and I FELT old (I was 57) and FELT ugly and FELT wrinkled, and FELT fat, and FELT undesirable and he made me FEEL like I looked at 20! Wow! What a RUSH those feelings were—-a HIGH better than drugs! Until the pain started, the confusion, the drama, the tears. Then I came CRASHING down, and like someone on Meth I wanted that high again, I craved it. But now, I no longer FEEL all those terrible feelings of inadequacy or that anyone can make me “happy”–I realize I alone can make my own happiness and I don’t need the FANTASY DRUG to bouy me up. I am 61 now, and I don’t NEED A MAN or anyone else to make me happy, I am happy being ME. I still don’t have a partner, but I no longer feel the CRAVING for one, and if one comes along that will be wonderful, but if not, I am still OK.
Don’t beat up on yourself for the things that you did that you knew at the time were “wrong”—the past is past, FORGIVE YOURSELF for being HUMAN. We all are and none of us is “without sin”–you still have the consequences of what you did to deal with, and continusing to beat yourself up won’t help you deal with those consequences in a sane and logical manner. ((((hugs)))))
Donnac1218,
I just want to repeat.. the girlfriend did not win anything.
Don’t congratulate yourself because she had to use the baby to hold over him but it’s not true love.. what do you mean? Not true love like YOU had?
Donna, there is NO TRUE LOVE HERE ANYWHERE. Your story is the poster-child story for LOVEFRAUD.
It really hurts to think that someone we think we loved and would do anything for was not a real lover to us. God that is painful… but that is the truest truth there is when it comes to a Sociopath.
No one that really loves you would put you through anything like the above story. No one.
Sometimes I think it is Hollywood that sets us up to think that true love is some kind of big drama.. or that is has to be starry eyes and being swept off our feet with diamonds and secret trists… this is not the real thing.
Just last night, a man I know went from yellow flag to red with me. He has a girlfriend. A lovely woman, by the way. I met her a few times last year. This “man” keep talking to me at the yacht club. I wonder. Do I have a sign on my back that says “Desperate, lonely, vulnerable, victim who will fall for BS professions of Love from a NOT-Single man?” If I do have that sign on me will someone PLEASE RIP IT OFF MY BACK?
This man keeps telling me how “special” I am. He’s right.
He keeps saying I am lovely. Yes, I am.
He tells me a man should take care of me and be good to me. Right-o!
He tried to kiss me last night. I pushed him away and told him, “RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES. I SAID NO.”
I have pointed out more than once that I would not be interested in a man that is making moves on me when he has a girlfriend. Why would I want a guy like that? He would only do that to me.
As I drove away in my car, he said, “I LOVE YOU!”
Hey! What is that waving over your head… oh.. I know.. It’s a RED FLAG!
BTW.. for anyone wondering, I left the yacht club by myself and this man chased after me (as he did last week as well) wanting to know why I didn’t say good bye to him two weeks in a row. Oh, but I did say good-bye to you… with the back of my head!
Anyway, why am I talking about me? My point is I am not falling for his love drama. If he likes me so much, and he truly is having problems with his lovely girlfriend… then go handle your problems. Dont’ drag me into it or try to create some secret love triangle. I will not fall for this crap.
Sometimes, at my age, it seems like broken hearted men trapped in “unhappy marriages” and relationships are all that there is to choose from. But after all the reading I have done here and from my own experience, the definition of integrity is to handle your love problems without pulling someone else into the mix. If a man is doing it in any other way than that… I say, RED FLAG BABY! Do people get unhappy in their marriages? Sure they do but affairs and love trists are dangerous territory. Do we think it makes our love more juicy by having it be forbidden somehow? I think it means it’s less real. It’s not about truth. It’s about creating drama because we are bored.
I don’t know any happy couples that were created out of a big love drama. This is unhealthy and a recipe to get hurt really bad and drag others down with you.
Good luck Donna. The road to recovery is this way.. turn here!
Good words OXY.
The thing I see most now is how vulnerable and ripe for the picking we were. This vulnerability and belief that a relationship will fix and cure it all for us is practically like a drug put in the water… we all drink it.
You crack me up aloha…smiles… and yes, you give good advice to Donna.
Amen Aloha