In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
And most of all, I would like to thank my fans for without you, no one would give a crap about what I think!
HAHA!
XO Aloha
Dear Aloha,
I don’t know if I qualify as a “fan” of yours, but I do qualify as your friend, and as your friend, I can say that this woman who is my friend has INTEGRITY AND GUTS, HONESTY AND TRUTH and has my UTMOST RESPECT.
The advice you gave to DonnaC is right on. And you know, I do NOT KNOW ONE COUPLE who found “real love” in a TRIANGLE of DRAMA. NOt ONE!
The only healthy way to find what is healthy (real love) is to get healthy FIRST and ACT HEALTHY and with integrity.
Yes, the media does play up all this DRAMA, but it is noting more than a “fog” of FAKE. It is “excitement” and “adrenaline fixes” and a “drug” which we “supply” from the excitement and drama inside our selves, but it is all FAKE.
No person of integrity would treat anyone they truly loved like her BF treated DonnaC. No person of integrity would treat anyone that they loved like your Bad Man did you. Like ALL our BAD MEN did.
Do you want a lover, friend, who had NO INTEGRITY? Someone who lies to you and others, deceives you and others, has children by many different women? Takes money from others for their “support” and needs instead of getting a job and EARNING their living?
You are right, DonnaC’s story is the “poster child” for Love Fraud, but no more so or less so than the rest of our stories.
I don’t think that her “cheating” on her husband makes her any worse than the rest of us. None of us are without sin, and I cannot cast a stone at her because I am so “holy” because I too dreamed the dream, listened to the siren song(s) and stayed in situations that I KNEW WERE NOT GOOD. But now I am learning and no matter how INTICING the “temptation” might be, I will NOT fall for the person who has no integrity.
I am so proud of you Aloha, and happy for you that you have the strength and the wisdom that you will not even flirt with the temptation that these twisted men foist upon you.
No, you do not have a “sign” on you that says any of those things, what you do have is an attractiveness because you are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and men (good and bad) are attracted to this kind of woman, Unfortunately, in our age group (35-65) there are more Bad Men out looking than there are Good men out looking. That’s just the nature of the life cycle. But you will not be waylaid by any of these Bad Men so when the Good Man does come along, you will be there to see him and him see you!!!! (((hugs)))))
No one is throwing stones, but to pretend there are not behaviors that need to stop asap is wrong. I am not saying you are denying what needs to be done Oxy, but I, for one, having been unsucessfuly ( THANK GOD) by a psychopath know I had to face the facts of my own culpability. I had to face my life warts and all. No more intoxicating psychopaths….course toward the end his lies were like poison.
I did not act on my feelings, but I harbored for a long while a belief that the grass was greener on the otehrside because my husband was fill-in-the-blank. No one is perfect, but I signed on for life with him. And he’s not abusive or mean- there’s other issues but best face tehm with him than find solace in a psycho.
I want Donna to get to that point fast. The point she sees psycho as a pillager of her family. And for me what I denied most was my responsibility and that let me sulk and bask in self-pity. I hurt people. I had to make it stop.
I did a while ago and life has gotten better. The grass is nice here. I feel for Donna – she is much more involved than I ever was….I can’t imagine, but even more reason to start now.
You can do it Donna
I meant to write:
unsucessfuly SEDUCED ( THANK GOD) by
aloha…i lie your hint……turn the sound off and watch this movie…..if donna could atch a replay of her life with that creature, with no sound(no promises of marriage and soulmate nonsense and forever after) jusy watch his actions, he could probably clearly see what he is
and yes the family may have been un on it…the sister got his rent money etc ..the mother was waiting for her to give money to prevent a forclosure…..he is a wackadoo for sure…..no contact donna for your own health and to gain strength to pick up the pieces of YOUR family…not his, not his many kids…..think of your kids
sorry about typos its drk here
Holywater: Pillager is right. It’s strange though, how often those pirates and pillagers can seem so romantic and interesting to the addicted soul. Boredom is such a soul crusher, it’s really important to protect yourself from affairs by keeping busy and having interests.
Right on Aloha and about the playing multiple women against each other, this is one of the most insidious things I noticed about my ex-cheater bf, he gets a real rush out of women fighting over him. He plays them against each other all the time and seems to really enjoy seeing how long he can keep them thinking he’s their friend.
I couldn’t believe he tried to smooth things over with me after threatening to have me arrested. His “friends” keep telling me he has no interest in me and wants nothing to do with me. I know that’s not true. He would love nothing more right now than to discuss his latest conquests with me. Well that ain’t about to happen. What an a….h….
Absorbing every post today at this late hour. I will digest and respond tomorrow. Donna A asked me to create a new nickname, but I am having trouble accessing my profile. Grrrrr. Anyhow, I will be changing it to “DJ” or some form of that as soon as I can. In the meantime, I appreciate EVERYTHING that I have read so far. The truth hurts, but I think I need some of that.
DEar DonnaC,
I know we have given you a real “welcome” here–and some hard truths too. A lot to digest for a “newbie” but you are getting a “crash course” I think.
There’s no way I am going to tell you that this is going to be easy to pick up the pieces of your life, and decide what your options are, and where you will go from here. The GOOD thing about all of this is that it strips us “naked” emotionally and makes us take a clear look at ourselves.
Sometimes we find things about ourselves that we would like to change, that we think may have led us to be vulnerable, or to participate in our own down fall. God alone knows how many flaws I have found in my own behavior. Some of them I have found the “reason” for these (not an excuse that “excuses” it, but just what prompted me to behave as I did).
I’m 61 years old and feel like I am now just really being “reborn” or “transformed” into what I would really like to be for the rest of my life. Sorting it all out, the good from the bad, the things I have that are wonderful, the things I am not so proud of.
There are some pretty smart people on here, and I feel that I am in “good company” here because in spite of all the brains we have as a group, everyone of us has “fallen for the lie”—the wonderful thing now, is that it has given us an opportunity that FEW people have or take advantage of and that is to search our souls to the depths and to reform ourselves. To move on to a better life than any of us thought was possible. Maybe without so much wealth financially, but with a new courage that we can survive anything, and have. To reach out to each other for support and understanding, because unless you have experienced the P-experience, heard the Siren Song that they give you, it is difficult for others to truly comprehend why we fell for it.
There are so many similarities among these predators that it is almost as if we all dated one man just with different names. They are all so predictable and the ONE THING THAT IS ALWAYS TRUE, IS THAT THEY ***ARE*** THE LIE! Nothing that the said is true.
Hang on DonnaC, you are in a good place to heal and get support–and the occasional smack up side the head. I was always jokingly “threatening” sweet Henry with a whack from my “man tamer” cast iron skillet when he did something “stupid” like contacting his X. So we may have some fun with you at times, too, but it is all in good fun, not “making fun” of your pain, or anything that you do.
If there is anyplace or anyone in the universe that understands your pain, confusion, and everyother emotion that you feel it is HERE. There are many of us here that credit this site with our sanity! It has been a long hard journey for some of us, all of us(?) but there is growth and love here.
So for now, read and read and read some more! (((hugs)))
Oxy… I was only kidding about fans.
I wasn’t sure if you were scolding me in your note or not. I will have to go back and read my post to DonnaC. Was I too harsh? I was not judging her and when I said “poster child” I meant that the moves of her Sociopath were so classic and her reactions.. well, we have heard all of this before or have done many of the things ourselves.
I hope when I point out that something is typical or classic, they don’t feel like I am saying we don’t want to hear it. What I am hoping they get is that… yes, that person is a pathologically disordered partner!
The stranger the stories, the more we also see people say, “but do you think he’s a Sociopath?” YES! YES WE DO!
:o)