This week finds me well and truly back on my soapbox. Because I am feeling suitably goaded to address the somewhat emotive subject of the lack of support and comprehension offered to victims of abuse. The fact that too many people in various circles (friends and family, law and order and other professionals) simply don’t ”˜get’ what it means to be held captive in a manipulative relationship.
I know many of us here in the Lovefraud community have already experienced the indignity of having to convince people of the validity of what we know to be true. I’m of course familiar with the remarks from well-intentioned friends and relatives that go along the lines of “he/she always seemed such a nice person!” “Surely, if what you’re saying is true, you’d have noticed something beforehand?” “You must have got it wrong, all relationships have their ups and downs you know!” “You’re saying he/she is a what”¦? A psychopath”¦? Have you completely lost your mind”¦?”
With the space and wisdom that hindsight offers, I guess those kind of comments are to be understood and even expected from people around us who care, but who simply can’t comprehend that psychopathic individuals live and breathe among us. Caring people who most certainly also struggle with the idea that it was happening so close to home and that, by association, they were duped as well!
To Understand We Must First Un-Learn
To put it in to context, the phrase “we don’t see things as they are, we can only see things as we are” is never so true when explaining a new concept to people. In order to take new ideas on board, the person doing the learning must find ways to understand what they are being taught. Puzzlement, questions and sometimes bewilderment are all perfectly natural responses in the learning cycle. Often, particularly in adulthood, this process involves shifting existing beliefs or long-held opinions — turning the previously ”˜unbelievable’ in to something that is appreciated and recognized. That’s all well and good, and it’s perfectly understandable too — goodness knows I’ve been there myself, both as student and teacher. The jury’s out on which role is the most taxing”¦
The thing is, though, this natural learning process becomes so very much more difficult to accept when the “unbelievable” relates to experiences that are being shared by somebody who has suffered from abuse and manipulation. At that moment in time, all that the ”˜victim’ needs is support and understanding. But when the subject in hand involves accounts of deception, gas-lighting, control, loss of self-esteem, and that feared word “psychopathic—¦ well, then it simply serves to make explaining the horrors that much more galling. That much more painful.
Because it’s hard enough for us to realize the truth ourselves. And even harder to come to terms with the fact we’ve been duped and manipulated. Harder still to then reach out and ask for help! When that request typically comes at our most vulnerable time, and is met by (understandable) disbelief, then those well-intentioned people we’ve chosen to share with end up creating further pain, deeper shame and more excruciating guilt within us — in short, the re-clarifying of what happened become a repeated process of public tarring and feathering.
You know what? I can live with that. I can accept that it’s merely ”˜not knowing’ on the part of friends and family who, at the time, caused me to turn the emotional knife once again on myself. At the time I knew no better myself than to respond in that way. Now, with distance, I can understand and empathise — and I’m grateful as well, because it’s highlighted the need to educate more people about the intricacies of this subject. So no, there is no axe for me to grind there. But then, this is only one small part of recovery. This is a part where we can feel confident that any hurts caused are unintentional.
Professionals And The Law
Then there are the other parts. The parts where the professionals step in. Where these qualified, respected, wise pillars of society are expected to at least remain open-minded. In many cases they are also expected to provide accurate useful support and guidance for our next steps — that’s why they’re professionals. Isn’t it? And yet this is the part which has once again prompted me to bring out my soap box. I am deeply concerned and angered by what I see as professional ignorance and ill-informed judgements. Ignorance that, in my opinion, protects the wrong-doers and in doing so continues to force abuse further underground. In this particular instant, I am talking about the law — or perhaps the interpretation of the law.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the idea of the law to protect the innocent, maintain a level of order and keep our society working for us rather than against us? Well, that’s what I’d always thought. I’m finding, though, that increasing focus on political correctness is steadily diminishing the effectiveness of our laws when faced with deliberate deception. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-political correctness per say”¦. I AM anti the fear-based interpretation of guidelines that result in too much ”˜covering of backs’ and losing site of what’s important.
What do I mean?
Well, there have been a couple of episodes over recent times that have rattled my cage. One is a very public news story in the UK about Tina Nash, a young mother who had her eyes gouged out by her psychopathic partner — Shane Jenkins. The sickening attack in her own home lasted 12 hours. She describes it as “silent and prolonged”. He attacked her while she was sleeping, knocking her unconscious and trying to strangle her, before blinding her in the most horrific way. He was sentenced this month to a minimum of 6 years in jail, and is currently being held in a mental hospital. Yet he has been allowed to tell his story, blaming his victim for prompting the attack, and telling people he’s “not as evil as everyone has made out, I’m actually really chilled””¦! The attack happened in April 2011, but Tina says she feels he’s still controlling her, even now that he’s locked away. She says he deliberately chose to tell his story on her birthday just to spite her.
Soap-box And Fury
Surely, that in itself is wrong? How can society allow the twisted delusional bragging of a convicted thug to be printed in our newspapers? What effect will it have on the victim — in this case a 32-year old mother who will never see her children again? That, alone, was enough for me to dust down my soap-box”¦. But then I read these words that this brave woman had said a few days earlier and my blood started to boil:
“My life has been in limbo as I have not been able to have the treatment and counseling I so desperately needed whilst Shane has had a team of experts, professionals and psychiatrists assessing and ensuring his wellbeing and that he received the treatment that he required”¦”
WHAT? After surviving everything she endured, she has not been given any treatment or counseling, while her ex-lover (held on remand since the attack) has had a team of professionals ensuring his wellbeing”¦? My heart bleeds for her. Has the world gone crazy”¦? Well, I’m saddened to say that I believe in many cases that yes, it has. I believe that we’ve lost our ability to judge what’s important over our need to tick boxes and ”˜do the right thing’ to prevent being sued by the wrong-doers.
Is it any wonder that so many victims stay quiet while the bullies continue to get away with it? We’re protecting the wrong-doers, and pushing the truth underground.
My other, very tiny, but very personal gripe is around the on-going shenanigans with the legal eagles finalizing my book. I was going to disguise this part of the story by introducing it as “a friend who is sharing her story”. Then I thought, no, I won’t do that. Because if I do, then I too become one of the faceless crowd who suppress the truth. And that’s not who I am.
Libel
So, my gripe in this instance is to do with some professional opinions detailed in a libel report. This is a document prepared by lawyers for the publishers, checking whether they may be open to any kind of libel claim as a result of the book they are publishing. Fine, I understand that. But what I don’t understand or agree with are many what I believe to be ill-informed comments, most of which I am not at liberty to share for the moment. There is one, though, that is innocuous enough to repeat, but the message behind it burned in to my soul. It is in relation to my ex-guardian. In the book I talk about one particular evening where this person slapped me across the face. This occurred more than 30 years ago, but I am being asked what proof I have that this actually happened — together with the implied advice that if there is no proof then the story should be removed. Why, you may well ask? Because it’s so far fetched? Because these things don’t happen behind closed doors? No. Because it’s possible that the individual concerned might one day read my book and, even though names and places have all been changed in order to comply with privacy laws, this person might take offence and try to sue me or the publishers.
The law, it seems, has become grotesquely skewed, and is now protecting the bullies and questioning the victims. Innocent until proven guilty may well have been the starting mantra”¦. I fear that in the case of victims of abuse, the mantra has shifted, and guilty until proven innocent is becoming the new reality.
Well this particular ”˜victim’ is sick and tired of staying quiet, bottling up emotions, and being a ”˜good girl’ in order to keep the peace. So listen up you army of ”˜do-gooders’ and ”˜politically correct’ professionals who have lost the gumption to stand up for what is right. The tide IS turning… And I will continue to do everything within my power to speak up for true justice.
Dear Mel,
Yea, this victim is also tired of hiding like I am some sort of criminal.! That’s why i finally came out and put my name at the top of my articles.
The story about the young woman and her eyes. “6 years MINIMUM?” ” OMG I can’t believe a person who did such a crime can be let out in 6 years, not even 60 would be enough. But I know you are in the UK and your laws and courts are worse than ours in the US.
Sorry you’ve had such a hard time with the idiots. Keep standing up!
Thanks Mel: great post. Yes, we are only ‘victims’, though, until we realize we are being made the victim. Then we become ‘survivors’. Right?
ONLY SIX YEARS for gouging out her eyes??!!
What is this world coming to?
I understand you, completely, about your legal eagles and their ‘libel’ bandwagon…I wish you well with that. Where I live, we must be careful in reference as well, or be open to libel and slander. I don’t see how they can question a first hand account, though, which it was you that was slapped across the face. There should be no question when it is a firsthand account.
Thanks for standing up for all of us this way. It’s only when people, such as yourself, stands up and speaks up, that change actually takes place.
This kind of-psychological and physical and emotional and mental and sometimes medically-abuse needs to be regarded the same way as any other criminal type assault. That’s what I think and I think it’s horrid that monster could do that to her and only get six years. The law needs to ‘tighten up’ and recognize that the rest of us needs to be somewhat protected from the predator instead of them assuring them their rights. All they are doing is reinforcing destructive behavior.
May the Good Graces help us all.
Thanks, Mel ~ Dupey
Hi Mel,
I am not sure how you define political correctness. ‘Policital Correctness was a good thing in my day: a way to bring equity to the forefront in situations where people had had no voice or their voice was heard through a filter of racism, homphobia, sexism, classism, etc.
This was and is a progressive movement. I do see that it has been perceived as a silencing of those who hold inequitable views, and that their behaviours now have to be presented in other, less blatant ways. They have become less forthright, and sometimes that makes it even harder to ferret out the xenophobia.
PC was always about not saying or acting inappropriately ‘against’ those who suffer most from inequity. The vocal majority has, of course, made it about what they are no longer able to do, and a loss of privilege.
Are you saying that this fellow is being treated as if he is ‘downtrodden’, and therefore getting away with all kinds of crap? If so, i wouldn’t blame that on PC, i’d blame it on the belief that all those who are criminals are just misunderstood people who came from abusive backgrounds (aka not responsible for their actions). There is a strain running through neo-liberalism where this belief is common. And i would blame it on our stupid psychopathic societies, with their pseudo big love of drama and horror, as long as it is on the telly and not in our own lives.
i think the type of track/ back covering you are talking about has little to do with PC, but it has been co-opted as an excuse to do what has always been done…and blame some trend in society for it….like always has been done.
Powerfully written, Mel. Thank you for this.
You did a good job pointing out how these days people are so afraid to take a stand against obvious injustice, like a psychopath who gouges out his partner’s eyes. Is society afraid to call that what it IS? That is monstrous behavior, outrageous, completely inexcusable, in addition to horrific, cruel torture…. HELLO?!? He will do it again. Don’t let him out! EVER!!
But instead people seem afraid or unwilling to take sides. Even IF proof is presented…. they still are not willing to believe.
In my case, I was told, “well, that’s YOUR perspective.” Sure, it’s my perspective that he hit me. If 5 objective witnesses could have been there behind those closed doors, they would have observed with their own eyes that he did indeed hit me. And that I did not hit him. And that all I did to provoke him was to exist in that spot. Perhaps that is the part where it is “my perspective.” The CAUSE or what provoked him. But objectively speaking, he certainly did hit me. Since no one saw it, does that mean it maybe didn’t happen? Or that he has a different, equally valid, perspective? One that lets him off the hook or causes me to share the blame 50-50?
His lies do not negate my truth.
I know what really happened.
But I have to be very careful what I say about and against him, even if it is the truth. It has been twisted. I have been accused of parental alienation. Even though he never needed my help to alienate the kids from him.
I kept the truth hidden from the kids for many years because I had been told that it would harm them to hear the truth. But then, he started doing the same things to them that he had done to me. So I was torn. I began validating my kids’ perceptions.
And then I was accused of alienating the children from him.
Things are getting tricky these days. One daughter went no contact with him three years ago. Now the other daughter is agonizing over whether to do that, to what degree, suddenly or gradually withdraw… she is almost 16 years old. So how can I help her, when he has legal rights to visitation? And when going to court costs money I do not have?
She is so stressed over this, her grades are suffering and she is hypervigilant and becoming depressed.
Her brother is going away to college soon, and she doesn’t know how she could stand going to her dad’s house without her brother’s presence protecting her.
She is trying to think of a “reasonable excuse” to tell her dad and everyone — the reason why she does not want to go over there. The truth will not be bought by him or anyone. Neither will lies. There is nothing, in fact, that will satisfy him or anyone… he just sees her as an extension of himself, as a possession to control, and by her willfully refusing to go over there or have contact with him, he is likely to become enraged and do something scary. Perhaps it will only amount to throwing objects violently across the room with great force and scary yelling. Or maybe something will get broken. Or maybe he will advance menacingly with a hostile look on his face, but stop short of touching her.
But the scary things he does, he is very good at hiding evidence or minimizing it, “I’m not as bad as they seem to think I am. That’s ridiculous!” Once again, there is likely to be no proof. And in advance, anticipating his certain retaliation, there is nothing that can be done. Not unless “something happens” — and even then, maybe nothing can be done, if there is no clearcut evidence or no one believes.
Things are calm now, but we know it is the calm before the storm. It’s just a question of when the storm will be released, and what form it will take this time.
20years
Hate this kind of stuff court orders that force a bad situation. Even though I know the court can only move on evidence and that can cost lots of money. Still hate it.
This isn’t advice just an option. But it could be viable if things get bad enough. Emancipation. You’d lose any child support the spath may be paying. And the she would now be legally responsible. But it would trump the court order. As I said just an idea to be aware of. Not saying this is what you want or should do.
We are often victims of groupthink and of denial in any situation of abuse. Groupthink says that speaking out against the abuse is bad and goes against group norms. Acknowledging any deviation from what the majority thinks causes the person who speaks out to be expelled from the group, either literally or emotionally. Denial lets someone look at the abuse or the abusive situation without ever calling it what it really is.
In the case of sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists, isn’t it true that they often play the role of the “charming, easy-to-talk-to” socialite who is able to connect or converse with anyone anywhere? They always seem to say exactly the right thing and spout off the ideas that fit into the group norms even if they don’t believe in those norms? In that way, they always look like the good guys in whatever interaction or situation.
And isn’t it also true that if you are the victim of this person, the others around you are so stunned and overcome by his or her charm that they can’t see him or her for what s/he is? I’ve been called the bitch for calling out my exes on their abusive/opportunistic behaviors when no one else would do it and when others around him were also suffering from his mind games and his vampiric (energetically, emotionally, economically, etc) tendencies. They are emotional vampires for sure and feed on all of those around them if they have the opportunity. But he got all of the support and help and I got shafted. Nothing as bad as what you described in this article, but with my parents, yes, things were violent, abusive (sexually, emotionally, psychologically, physically) and yet everyone thought my parents were just so charming and friendly that they couldn’t do any wrong. They went on doing their thing and me and my sisters suffered the consequences of growing up with that. Luckily, armed with more information and more support from true friends, I am much better at spotting the sociopaths and calling them out on it immediately or at least avoiding them. They call me “harsh.” I call me “more enlightened about this than ever before.” The last ex-boyfriend did me over good and this past year and a half has been a revelation that I wish I had had about 20 years ago.
Finally, I’m interested in knowing if many of the victims of these people are introverts. I say this because the profile of a sociopath/narcissist seems to fit that of an extravert and that many who are considered “socially isolated” or “unfriendly” could actually be introverts who need a certain amount of free time and alone time to recharge and recuperate from their interactions. The problem starts when someone who likes being alone and likes quiet time slides into a solitary life that does not include making social connections and therefore becomes vulnerable to this kind of predator. Just a theory, but it seems like it could fit.
Luz Blanca
luzblanca: thanks for your post. I can relate to what you were saying. others feel ‘threatened’ somehow when hearing our stories. it creeps into their little world and it’s something they would rather not acknowledge.
Yes, they do play the role of the ‘charming, easy-to-talk-to’ socialite who IS able to converse with anyone, anywhere. They DO seem to know, ALWAYS, exactly the right thing to say and they barge their way into your world smoother than a baby’s behind. To them, it’s important that they always look like the ‘innocent’ victim in everything and take no responsibility for anything they do but try blame shifting it always onto someone else.
STUNNED and OVERCOME is not really a definitive regarding what it does to others when they finally grasp a hold of the truths and that this person is a complete FRAUD. In all aspects of their existence and if you suddenly are educated of them and what they are is when the threats set in. They don’t like being exposed. They are omnipotent and how dare anyone try forcing them to be like anyone else who is decent and good.
Emotional vampires, yes. Pretty close to blood sucking vampires. By the time they are done with you, a person feels ravaged and violated in every form conceivable.
Your questioning how many ‘survivors’ are introverts. I acquired the majority of my ‘introvert-ness’ from this experience, for many reasons. In fact, I am so introverted, NOW, I have become agoraphobic and seldom venture out. Certainly not around others in any social situations. “IT” reinforced all of the ‘shaky’ traits I had and used my own weaknesses against me in very cruel and psychologically NUMBING ways and still tries to. I do think that the opposite is true, however, I think the spath is truly the introvert and the ‘survivor’ the extrovert. And I say that because the spath doesn’t have the inclination to alter and change themselves, whereas the ‘survivor’ is strong enough to forge ahead and mend the broken lives the spath has left behind. I am sure it’s all subjective and that is what makes them such successes at what and who they are.
It isn’t just ‘lonely’ people they target. They will target anyone who pays them any attention at all. But, I will say that they do primarily pick on the weak and the kind and the gentle and will devastate them with their own weakness and emotions. I agree that loneliness can precipitate such an encounter, but it’s not necessarily the driving force for a spath to just concentrate specifically on that one situation. They will monopolize any situation that they think is beneficial to them, for any reason at all.
Very interesting post, luzblanca, thanks for proposing another thought to think and avenue to consider.
Have a nice evening.
Dupey
Hi Dupey,
Thanks for the response. I’m sorry to hear about the devastating effects of your experience with a sociopath. They leave a trail of destruction behind them and never will accept responsbility for any of it. They’re too busy playing their role as the “innocent.”
After thinking about it, I have to say that I don’t think that sociopaths fall into either introvert or extrovert categories because the truth is the difference between introverts and extroverts is how they recharge. Introverts need a lot of alone time and silence to recharge and social interactions wear them out. Extroverts thrive on social interaction and too much alone time or silence bothers them.
A better way to have stated it would be that a sociopath has a solid act and that they play it well in public, social situations to keep up appearances. Their true evilness comes out in their personal relationships and when they are taking it out on their victims.
You make a good point, too, that they will prey on anyone they think they can get something from. That’s very true. If you have it and they want it, they will try to get it. It doesn’t matter who you are or how prepared you think you are. The hardest part of this is that there really are quite a few sociopaths/narcissists/psychopaths in the world. Makes it hard to make good friends when you feel like you have to be on the lookout all the time. But let one boundary go and, poof, they get you.
Thanks for sharing your story and information. I’m enjoying our conversations and this forum.
Luz Blanca
Hi luzblanca: Nice to read you too. Thanks for your sympathies. It has been a true lifetime experience, I can say!
Just recently, I have had to come to terms with the fact that I have had a psychopathic stalker for the past ten years and most of it has been quite ugly. I am very hard pressed to remember that experience with anything but immense disdain, shock and apprehension. One of those situations that you see in the movies, the girl running away screaming in terror…yep, that was me. Has been for some time until I learned what this was all about and how to best protect myself. I actually opened the door and fell for all the crap for a long time. Until my eyes were truly opened. It took almost losing my life in more than one way though. That is how good they are at their skills.
It’s difficult to comprehend that there are just some people so ‘cracked’ that they actually wish everyone around them harm in order to benefit themselves. In every single way. They do leave a trail of destruction behind them and don’t care that they do. It was YOUR fault for allowing it to happen…as they walk away smirking and laughing.
I am an introvert now, which I never had been before. I almost CHERISH my alone and quiet time without the ppath. It was so very ugly. Constantly. Sure, I allowed myself to ‘fall into it’ but I have also been strong enough to grab myself by the seat of the pants and pull myself up by my boot straps, as best as I could because I have recognized my life depends on it. Love Fraud and my friends, here, have truly given me an education as to the nightmare I just encountered otherwise I would not ever have known.
I have had to fight for every accomplishment I have gained on this journey back from that edge. I have been in counseling for the past four years. Not too long ago, I suffered a major heart attack, with two subsequent surgeries and almost didn’t make it. I have had my life threatened over and over again, irregardless of my medical status, which can be likened to a ‘murder by proxy’ while playing on emotions and threats.
They do prey on anyone they think they can get something from. Absolutely. If you don’t give them what they want is when the torture truly beings. Even if it is only your attention they want… and all attention, be it good or bad, is the same to them. As long as they can inflict themselves into your thoughts, it’s all good. They find it amusing that we suffer anything at their hands. It makes them feel something they seldom do: powerful. They suck strength off of others.
Oh yes, the world is full of them. I sure hope that is not the future of our world society. Scarey thought when compassion and kindness goes by way of the railroad.
No, you can think you are prepared, all you want to, but they will always catch you off guard and bazooka you off your feet, if not out of your mind. Then the real torture begins. Gleefully as well. Their evilness DOES show itself in their relationships. All of them. Not just romantic ones.
Hey, thank you for sharing too. I enjoy our conversations as well. Happy you are finding validation and healing here. You are always welcome to join our group of ‘survivors’. xxoo
Be safe.
Dupey
Mel, thank you for the excellent post – YES, it galls me to no end that people who damage other people with deliberate and calculated malice are “protected” by the same “rights” as their victims.
It’s a violation on all levels. From making the discovery to submitting to STD testing, it was all a violation that never seems to end. Spaths can use the legal systems to their own ends – I’m in the middle of a divorce and the exspath had his attorney move for an adjournment so that I can submit to FURTHER tests. Meanwhile, I’m literally destitute and expected survive on what amounts to the cost of 2 tanks of gas, per week. Yet, the exspath is out there bringing in a good, solid income and he’s able to do whatever he wishes and go wherever he pleases.
The Laws need to be altered and the language needs to be simplified. Without some serious changes, victims will continue to be punished AFTER they’ve been violated and damaged by a sociopath simply because they trusted one.
Brightest blessings