This week finds me well and truly back on my soapbox. Because I am feeling suitably goaded to address the somewhat emotive subject of the lack of support and comprehension offered to victims of abuse. The fact that too many people in various circles (friends and family, law and order and other professionals) simply don’t ”˜get’ what it means to be held captive in a manipulative relationship.
I know many of us here in the Lovefraud community have already experienced the indignity of having to convince people of the validity of what we know to be true. I’m of course familiar with the remarks from well-intentioned friends and relatives that go along the lines of “he/she always seemed such a nice person!” “Surely, if what you’re saying is true, you’d have noticed something beforehand?” “You must have got it wrong, all relationships have their ups and downs you know!” “You’re saying he/she is a what”¦? A psychopath”¦? Have you completely lost your mind”¦?”
With the space and wisdom that hindsight offers, I guess those kind of comments are to be understood and even expected from people around us who care, but who simply can’t comprehend that psychopathic individuals live and breathe among us. Caring people who most certainly also struggle with the idea that it was happening so close to home and that, by association, they were duped as well!
To Understand We Must First Un-Learn
To put it in to context, the phrase “we don’t see things as they are, we can only see things as we are” is never so true when explaining a new concept to people. In order to take new ideas on board, the person doing the learning must find ways to understand what they are being taught. Puzzlement, questions and sometimes bewilderment are all perfectly natural responses in the learning cycle. Often, particularly in adulthood, this process involves shifting existing beliefs or long-held opinions — turning the previously ”˜unbelievable’ in to something that is appreciated and recognized. That’s all well and good, and it’s perfectly understandable too — goodness knows I’ve been there myself, both as student and teacher. The jury’s out on which role is the most taxing”¦
The thing is, though, this natural learning process becomes so very much more difficult to accept when the “unbelievable” relates to experiences that are being shared by somebody who has suffered from abuse and manipulation. At that moment in time, all that the ”˜victim’ needs is support and understanding. But when the subject in hand involves accounts of deception, gas-lighting, control, loss of self-esteem, and that feared word “psychopathic—¦ well, then it simply serves to make explaining the horrors that much more galling. That much more painful.
Because it’s hard enough for us to realize the truth ourselves. And even harder to come to terms with the fact we’ve been duped and manipulated. Harder still to then reach out and ask for help! When that request typically comes at our most vulnerable time, and is met by (understandable) disbelief, then those well-intentioned people we’ve chosen to share with end up creating further pain, deeper shame and more excruciating guilt within us — in short, the re-clarifying of what happened become a repeated process of public tarring and feathering.
You know what? I can live with that. I can accept that it’s merely ”˜not knowing’ on the part of friends and family who, at the time, caused me to turn the emotional knife once again on myself. At the time I knew no better myself than to respond in that way. Now, with distance, I can understand and empathise — and I’m grateful as well, because it’s highlighted the need to educate more people about the intricacies of this subject. So no, there is no axe for me to grind there. But then, this is only one small part of recovery. This is a part where we can feel confident that any hurts caused are unintentional.
Professionals And The Law
Then there are the other parts. The parts where the professionals step in. Where these qualified, respected, wise pillars of society are expected to at least remain open-minded. In many cases they are also expected to provide accurate useful support and guidance for our next steps — that’s why they’re professionals. Isn’t it? And yet this is the part which has once again prompted me to bring out my soap box. I am deeply concerned and angered by what I see as professional ignorance and ill-informed judgements. Ignorance that, in my opinion, protects the wrong-doers and in doing so continues to force abuse further underground. In this particular instant, I am talking about the law — or perhaps the interpretation of the law.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the idea of the law to protect the innocent, maintain a level of order and keep our society working for us rather than against us? Well, that’s what I’d always thought. I’m finding, though, that increasing focus on political correctness is steadily diminishing the effectiveness of our laws when faced with deliberate deception. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-political correctness per say”¦. I AM anti the fear-based interpretation of guidelines that result in too much ”˜covering of backs’ and losing site of what’s important.
What do I mean?
Well, there have been a couple of episodes over recent times that have rattled my cage. One is a very public news story in the UK about Tina Nash, a young mother who had her eyes gouged out by her psychopathic partner — Shane Jenkins. The sickening attack in her own home lasted 12 hours. She describes it as “silent and prolonged”. He attacked her while she was sleeping, knocking her unconscious and trying to strangle her, before blinding her in the most horrific way. He was sentenced this month to a minimum of 6 years in jail, and is currently being held in a mental hospital. Yet he has been allowed to tell his story, blaming his victim for prompting the attack, and telling people he’s “not as evil as everyone has made out, I’m actually really chilled””¦! The attack happened in April 2011, but Tina says she feels he’s still controlling her, even now that he’s locked away. She says he deliberately chose to tell his story on her birthday just to spite her.
Soap-box And Fury
Surely, that in itself is wrong? How can society allow the twisted delusional bragging of a convicted thug to be printed in our newspapers? What effect will it have on the victim — in this case a 32-year old mother who will never see her children again? That, alone, was enough for me to dust down my soap-box”¦. But then I read these words that this brave woman had said a few days earlier and my blood started to boil:
“My life has been in limbo as I have not been able to have the treatment and counseling I so desperately needed whilst Shane has had a team of experts, professionals and psychiatrists assessing and ensuring his wellbeing and that he received the treatment that he required”¦”
WHAT? After surviving everything she endured, she has not been given any treatment or counseling, while her ex-lover (held on remand since the attack) has had a team of professionals ensuring his wellbeing”¦? My heart bleeds for her. Has the world gone crazy”¦? Well, I’m saddened to say that I believe in many cases that yes, it has. I believe that we’ve lost our ability to judge what’s important over our need to tick boxes and ”˜do the right thing’ to prevent being sued by the wrong-doers.
Is it any wonder that so many victims stay quiet while the bullies continue to get away with it? We’re protecting the wrong-doers, and pushing the truth underground.
My other, very tiny, but very personal gripe is around the on-going shenanigans with the legal eagles finalizing my book. I was going to disguise this part of the story by introducing it as “a friend who is sharing her story”. Then I thought, no, I won’t do that. Because if I do, then I too become one of the faceless crowd who suppress the truth. And that’s not who I am.
Libel
So, my gripe in this instance is to do with some professional opinions detailed in a libel report. This is a document prepared by lawyers for the publishers, checking whether they may be open to any kind of libel claim as a result of the book they are publishing. Fine, I understand that. But what I don’t understand or agree with are many what I believe to be ill-informed comments, most of which I am not at liberty to share for the moment. There is one, though, that is innocuous enough to repeat, but the message behind it burned in to my soul. It is in relation to my ex-guardian. In the book I talk about one particular evening where this person slapped me across the face. This occurred more than 30 years ago, but I am being asked what proof I have that this actually happened — together with the implied advice that if there is no proof then the story should be removed. Why, you may well ask? Because it’s so far fetched? Because these things don’t happen behind closed doors? No. Because it’s possible that the individual concerned might one day read my book and, even though names and places have all been changed in order to comply with privacy laws, this person might take offence and try to sue me or the publishers.
The law, it seems, has become grotesquely skewed, and is now protecting the bullies and questioning the victims. Innocent until proven guilty may well have been the starting mantra”¦. I fear that in the case of victims of abuse, the mantra has shifted, and guilty until proven innocent is becoming the new reality.
Well this particular ”˜victim’ is sick and tired of staying quiet, bottling up emotions, and being a ”˜good girl’ in order to keep the peace. So listen up you army of ”˜do-gooders’ and ”˜politically correct’ professionals who have lost the gumption to stand up for what is right. The tide IS turning… And I will continue to do everything within my power to speak up for true justice.
Truthspeak, ox, and 20years,
Thank you all so much. I’ve already been to court several times with this sweetheart. I’ve been self represented the whole time and got some help from a friend who is a paralegal. Unfortunately, here in canada, they are not permitted to represent or even give advise on family matters. I thought I was doing a very good job, and being very professional. All my ducks on a row so to speak. That was until I faced her lawyer and the judge. The lawyer ripped me a new one, and the judge basically told me to shut up and take it. I now know I desperately need a good lawyer and an looking into possible solutions. And ox, they are living in a shelter because my ex went to stay with her parents the first time we split up, and it resulted in her being removed by police. She is just now really reconnecting with them after two years, now that she has them convinced I’m the sick one and I’m responsible for destroying their relationship. I honestly feel sorry for them, and their situation. Being their daughter and all. Also because of how much she will be able to use them again, and how devastated they’re going to be when they realize I was telling them truth about her, and they helped her to emotionally destroy their grandchildren. Also, I’m starting therapy tomorrow. Will also be starting group therapy soon with my children. unless she manages to prevent it.
Thank you all again, and God bless.
Dear Dying dad,
I’m glad you are getting some therapy and for your kids too…it will help. Just don’t use the Psychopath word to the therapist until you see if they “get it”—it is tempting to use “the word” but so many times it bites us in the ass if we use it because people think a psychopath is a serial kill and if we use that word we are raving mad.
Her parents will maybe get it, and maybe not. My egg donor has not gotten it that my son is a murderer and it has been 20 years and a few years ago he sent someone he knew (ex convict) to murder me for an inheritence and she still thinks he is “reformed” DUH?
It is difficult to accept that your child is a monster…so it may be difficult for them. I’m glad that you can feel some empathy for them… it is difficult for them.
You have a long hard road ahead of yourself I know, and I know you know. But you just have 6to take it one step at a time…God bless.
Thank you Ox D.
I’m very sorry for your own accounts. It has to be very difficult to come to terms with the one person who is the one who we should love more than any other, even ourselves is suffering from this disorder. Many props to you for getting through this and going on to help others who are also suffering. Truly inspirational.
And I’m only just learning now, just how much stigma there is around that word aswell as the unbelievable ignorance of the subject.
Equally as infuriating is the bias we face as men here in canada in regards to family law. Men are brutish barbarians, and women are kind nurturing, caring, innocent victims of our brutality. Family courts lead everyone to believe that their only concern is the best interests of the children. Yet, it isn’t enough to be a great parent. It isn’t enough to be a much better suited parent. As a father, to get custody, you have to prove the mother is unfit. It’s not enough to show she’s a bad parent, she had to be unfit.
Anyway, I will not give up as these three children are my whole world, and I’m their only hope of protection from a destructive mother.
Thank you all and god bless.
Dear Dying dad,
It is frustrating, and the courts don’t get it, but you just have to take things one step at a time, one day at a time.
Take care of YOURSELF first. I know you think you mjust put your kids first, but if you don’t take care of yourself you can’t take care of them. Be good to yourself, eat right, get exercise and sleep. Get therapy…whatever you must do to meet your own needs for emotional and physical health…do it. Then you will be in a HEALTHY position to help your children.
Knowledge is power. So read here and learn. Do your own therapy and take care of yourself so you can take back your power. You can’t change HER. But you can change yourself.
In the healing process we must change ourselves, to take care of ourselves and get healthy. It is a long, difficult journey but we can and must do it. Be the best parent you can be, and accept that she is going to be a bad one. Don’t let her disorder ruin your life, as you deserve a good life as well. My advice is to right now focus on yourslef and getting yourself healthy. No new relationships until you are healthy (and that may be several years down the road, frankly) just work on yourself and your kids. Then the time will come when you are ready for a healthy relationship with a healthy partner. Don’t despair, the time will come. You are NOT alone. There are other fathers here. I’m glad that you have come here because we DO NEED men here and that will encourage other men. This is NOT a “man bashing” blog though most of us here are women, but there are men who are working on becoming healthy after a roar with the psychopaths.
I would very much like to see you become a male mentor here!~ So I’m so glad that you are here! God bless.
Dyingdad,
I want to echo what Oxy says, that we are not a “man bashing” forum. I realize that sometimes my words can come across that way, when I am speaking from my experience… I had an abusive, sociopathic husband. But I am acquainted with abusive, sociopathic females, too.
Gender bias (and any type of bias!) is so maddening. The more we can do to discuss and bring it to the front of our consciousness, to be aware of it, the more we can all cut through the confusion to make sense of our collective and individual experiences. It is very, very hard to overcome an entrenched societal stereotype — something we all have to work on together, and be willing to listen to each other’s perspectives and be open to changing our views. A lot of people don’t want to listen/don’t want to change, but there are plenty who DO.
We would all benefit from more male voices, here. We can all learn from each other’s truths. I’m glad you are here.
Mel. Great article. The way to take back our power us to speak out and stop hiding in fear and shame. I recently went through a custody battle with a man I believe is a psychopath. After 9 years of hell. I fought back. The judge sealed our file and awarded him custody. I was deemed hostile and angry for having the audacity to fight back in defense of my son, name, peace of mind and freedom. I’ve been documenting my life with this guy for over 8 years on my website: http://www.sexwriter.typepad.com.
Our power lies in collectively telling our stories no matter who may or
may not believe us. We have to keep telling our stories.
Very true article. My lawyer told me not to bring up the abuse or the fact that I had PTSD in case the judge thought I was “crazy” or vengeful towards my ex. The PTSD was greatly exacerbated by the court system that I thought was there to protect me. I remember when my lawyer called me with the final verdict, I was so shocked I fell to the ground in the middle of the phone call. My legs just gave out under me. I couldn’t believe he was getting so much shared visitation.
But he pretended to be a caring, church going father (he doesn’t even believe in GOD). He went to church during the divorce, and quit the day after the hearing.
You are totally correct. If people have not gone through something similar with a psycho/sociopath, then they just are not capable of understanding. I gave up trying to educate those that are not knowledgeable. I had one friend tell me “Oh, she is just a sociopath…..they aren’t dangerous!” 🙁
stillinshock:
It’s so frustrating!!!!!!!! 🙁
stillinshock,
That is a place many of us have been: so frustrating whether it happens to us or we witness it happening to others; the sheer blindness of so many people to what sociopathy is, which further victimizes the victim.
Well… last evening I had one of those frustrating experiences where I was out with some young people (in their 20s) who were talking about the living situation of one of them: for financial reasons, living with his sister-in-law who is about to get married to the father of her not-yet-born child, he has been gradually alienating/isolating her from her mother/siblings, and this pregnant young woman just found out he has another woman pregnant and has been cheating with even more women… she is STILL planning to marry him nonetheless, and furthermore this young man has a violent temper and apparently threatens people with a baseball bat…. and I find myself listening to this, thinking…. WHY would you be living in a household with this DANGEROUS man, even if you cannot convince your sister in law not to marry him (“she won’t leave him! She keeps taking him back!”). I guess all I’m saying is, these young people were “disapproving” but they were not ALARMED, as I was. All I could think of was, “RUN!!!!!” I mean — these are not just little red flags — these are kind of no brainers.
I was appalled at the passivity I was hearing from the young people I was with. That they seemed accepting though disapproving of the bad behavior — and the tolerance and allowing of the obvious sociopath in their midst. There were general comments indicating they thought they could contain him.
All I could say was, “he is bad news. He is more than ‘not a nice guy’ — he sounds very DANGEROUS.”
Stillinshock, I rather went through the same thing and it was simply senseless. There doesn’t seem to be legal remedy when spaths are involved, and LORDY HELP US if we ever utter “sociopath” or “psychopath!”
20years, we have become such a permissive culture and society – kids today are tolerant of EVERYTHING because there are no true “heroes” except on movie screens and in video games. I remember one young man (about 30, now) describing a horrific auto accident that he witessed saying,”I’d been waiting my whole life to see that!” No horror, no concern, nothing more that gleeful awe.
And, it’s not just a lack of healthy role models, either. It’s the constant barrage of “It’s all about ME” that has this upcoming generation presenting the most narcissistic and “entitled” group of people, yet, in modern history. Parents, for the greater part, are no longer involved in “raising” and teaching their children. That’s left up to underpaid day-care workers, dramatically flawed education systems, technological devices, and various soccer and gymnastic coaches. They have NO healthy personal goals except to either be the Best (by hook or crook), or the worst, by default.
I don’t know what the answer is other than to impose “reproductive licences.” Nobody would be able to reproduce offspring unless they demonstrated that they were physically, emotionally, spiritually (NOT religiously), and financially prepared to raise and teach. Having said that, we also know that all of the best intentions can be for naught if a child is born a sociopath, but it sure as heck would reduce the number of neglectrd and abused children out there.
Okay – ranting done!