Millions of sociopaths roam the planet. They inhabit all segments of the population. They are male, female, rich, poor, old, young, all races, all religions, all education levels, all demographic groups. Most of them are not in prison, so they move freely among us, living their lives by exploiting others.
Many take pride in their ability to manipulate others. Some who are criminals view crime as fun. They see nothing wrong with their behavior. As long as they keep succeeding, sociopaths will continue to behave the way they do.
So how do we make them fail?
Sociopaths only want to win, so failure is losing. Failure is not being able to exploit others, or at least not being able to get away with exploiting others.
I see four steps to shutting them down, and they all revolve around education.
1. Educating the public about sociopaths. This is the first step. So many Lovefraud readers who have tangled with sociopaths have told me, “I didn’t know these people existed!” Yes, they exist. Sociopaths live among us. And they are dangerous to our mental, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual and physical health.
This is why I launched Lovefraud. This is why I’m embarking on the Lovefraud Education Program to teach high school and college students about sociopaths. (If you’re in a position to bring the program to your school, please contact terry@anderlypublishing.com.) And there are so many more people who need to be educated, including therapists, lawyers and judges. We all need to know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior, so that if we see them, we can respond appropriately—especially by running away.
2. Exposing known sociopaths. This, I believe, is the only strategy that really works against sociopaths. We can’t count on winning judgments against them and actually collecting our money. We can’t count on them being prosecuted or locked up. Sometimes the only way to keep them from harming others is to blow their cover.
We do need to be cautious about this, as I explained in a previous article, Exposing the sociopath. Many of you may not be able to skewer your exes publicly, as I did with James Montgomery. But you may be able to quietly speak your truth in your community, profession, church or wherever you know the predator is trolling for new victims. In the future, a few words of warning, coupled with growing public awareness of the disorder, may be enough.
3. Stop breeding sociopaths. Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of sexual magnetism, and many Lovefraud readers have said that sex with the sociopath was the best they’ve ever had. But a consequence of sex, of course, is children. And because sociopathy is a highly genetic disorder, children born of sociopaths are at risk of inheriting a predisposition for the disorder.
One of the big things I hope will be accomplished through the Lovefraud High School Education program is to help young people understand that romantic relationships with sociopaths lead to nothing but trouble. If more people refuse to get involved with sociopaths, that will mean fewer at-risk children.
4. Appropriate parenting for at-risk children. Although sociopathy is highly genetic, inheriting the genes doesn’t necessarily mean that every at-risk child will grow up to be a sociopath. It is the interaction of genetics and the environment, including parenting, which actually creates the disordered individuals.
Many people realize, after a child is conceived or born, that their partner is a sociopath. If this is you, you need to take steps to raise the child so that he or she does not develop this disorder. I realize that this is immensely difficult and complicated, especially when the sociopathic parent will not let go of the child, which is often the case. But the healthy parents should try, as best they can, to teach the child how to love and feel empathy. (For information on how to do this, read Just Like His Father? by Dr. Liane Leedom.)
Perhaps with education, perseverance and time, our descendants will see the end of sociopathy. And they’ll thank us for taking the first steps to hasten the demise.
Dear Romanticfool no more,
I am so glad that you are doing well, and that is the name of the game! To free ourselves from the slavery of the mind and soul that we have allowed ourselves to be bound with. Toss those balls and chains from around our lives and souls, and dance in the moonlight just for the sake of the dance.
TOWANDA!!!!!
Here is a story of 4 sociopaths, utterly lacking in empathy, they killed a 10 year old girl by locking her in a box where she suffocated to death. This was routinely used as her punishment.
The most telling thing about these sociopaths, were the comments by one of them, made to a TV newstation.
This is the kind of embellishment that my spath would add to his lies, thinking that adding more detail would create a better fabrication.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/CRIME/07/29/arizona.girl.killed/?iref=obinsite
Sky that reminds me of the little girl with the one leg who had survived cancer and her step mother (with the probable help or cover up by her father) was killed and her body dismembered and the neighbors had seen bruises on her and did nothing. There are so many kids who are abused and murdered….and it makes me sick. Maybe not all the abusers are psychopaths, but for my money they should be locked up forever and the key thrown away.
Hi Ladies
I was reading Skylar and Goldn68’s post regarding the authorities not taking the our sociopath allegations seriously, I couldn’t agree with you more.
I have a cousin who was married to a man quite a few years ago who seemed so lovely, so charming and completely devoted to her. Years later we started hearing rumours of their marriage falling apart. He was this and he was that, she left him on several occasion but would continue to go back to him. The family (and as much as I hate to admit this…me also) truly believed at the time that she was just behaving a bit like an over the top, high maintenance princess. After all she was very attractive and could have any man she wanted, her hubby seemed so charming so naturally we all assumed the problem was her. This went on for almost 10 years! Nowadays my cousin is a lonely manic depressant, moving from relationship to relationship, moving for home to home, relocating all the time. Her grown children, albeit love her dearly, have also distanced themselves from her and cannot live under the same roof as her anymore. She cries all the time and can never seem to find peace within. She had to change her identity and move far away from her ex husband in order to avoid the continuous ’trap’ she allowed herself to fall into each and every time he came around with his roses or presents begging for another chance…after all, things were going to be different this time round ”“ so she believed. Of course she would be happy for a while then I would hear of her having yet another nervous breakdown. At one point I even heard she was in a mental hospital for a little while as well. As a result of her SP, she now suffers from a medical nervous condition which makes her head and hands shake. Ironically at the last family reunion it was my pig headed SP that made the comment, “Oh what ever happened to your hot cousin? She looks messed up, what a shame; I would have boned her back in the days…” (Pardon the French, but they were his exact typical pig headed words). Anyways, she is on constant medication for her condition and can never seem to hold down a job because of the embarrassment she feels. It’s so sad to watch what was a beautiful young woman who had the world at her feet, slip away at the hands of this monster she married. Members of our family still talk about her and how she ’lost the plot’ and is crazy! “Must be a history of mental illness in the family” is what they all say. I think I am the only one NOW who can sympathise with what she went through for all those years. I too was just as judgemental as the rest of the family. “How bad can he be? He seems nice, maybe it’s her?” I want to open my heart to her and tell her of my experiences, I’m afraid to open up to the family about the man I’m plotting to run away from. They too all think he is great, charming, a ’top bloke’. Will they all judge me when my secret is revealed? Will they believe me or refer to me as a ’princess’ who is also hard to please? I know I shouldn’t care, but when push comes to shove human beings are programmed to follow suit. So not only do our counsellors, authority figures and law enforcement agencies not believe the ’hog wash’ of sociopathic people in society, but neither do the people we love and care about the most. I know my closest friends want to understand in this ’sociopathic’ being…but I’m afraid that until any of them experience the sociopath themselves, they will never begin to understand what we went through and/or still go through. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.
Dear Melly,
Sometimes it is difficult to know (from the outside) who is “at fault.” Sometimes it is both…one an abuser and the other an enabler who just can’t “give up hope” that the abuser will change…I know you feel empathy for your cousin, and having been on the side of the victim yourself, you wish to comfort her. I definitely know that even if she was a “perfectly innocent” victim and had not contributed to her own victimization by repeatedly returning to him (85% of women who are abused go back and/or find another abuser) most people would not “get it” about what she had gone through.
Unfortunately, each of us must make our own decisions about staying with someone who is abusive…or leaving. We must walk our own roads to healing. If your cousin is bi-polar she has a double problem as that in itself is a difficult “cross” to bear sometimes, though medication may help. For a person who is trying to cope with bi-polar disease, even in a good relationship it is sometimes difficult to cope, with an abusive one it can be over powering.
As far as your family “judging” you–I have found that it is one of those things we must learn to VALIDATE OURSELVES and the decisions we make (and the consequences as well). Living our lives for other’s approval just doesn’t cut the mustard, we must in the end, do what we know is best for us, even if others do not agree with that. It takes introspection and working hard to see what is the right path for us. It starts out as learning about the psychopaths but we end up learning about ourselves. Good luck to you, and I am sorry for your cousin. I am however, glad that you are educating yourself and working to turn YOUR live around. God bless.
OxDrover – thanks so much for your kind words. It is amazing how much we learn about ourselves during this process. As much as I feel for my cousin, my altermate goal is to not end up the same way. I’m playing smart now and saving my pennies and setting myself up for a comfortable escape. It’s extremely difficult to play along with the facade until the timing is right, but with every knock down and set back I face every other day, I jump on here and find the strength to solider on and not get caught up in the fantasy of thinking he is real.
Melly,
it all depends on who you talk to.
I know you are thinking that “well I never believed her, so who would believe me”. Lots of people have been what you have been through. They will believe you. Just don’t act nuts, like your poor cousin. The key to that, is to learn, learn, learn. When I first left my spath I went to the FBI. They didn’t believe me.
That’s because I was so freaked out by what I had found out, that I looked nuts.
Of course, I’m not going to go back to the FBI because now I know that they are idiots. Any FBI agent should be educated in profiling serial killers and should be able to spot them easily. They all have red flags. If the FBI doesn’t have the wherewithal to educate their agents on spotting spaths, then they are a lost cause. What I told the agent was sufficient for anyone to know I was describing a spath, even though I didn’t know. One lawyer I talked to said, “your ex was a spy.”
LOL. At least he was closer to the truth than the FBI.
If I can spot a pedophile who is long dead, just from hearing a story from an 80-year old lady, then the FBI should be able to see the spath red flags.
So, my point is, anyone who has experienced a spath will believe you. Or if they have read some of the better books on the subject, they will know.
Just be calm, educate yourself, speak with confidence.
Skylar – you are so spot on! Prehaps we should all look at a new career line…lol.. FBI agents or ‘the Feds’ as we call them in Australia, should spot a sociopathic personality through case studying these creatures. Isn’t that what they’re paid to do? None of us are paid to indepthly study the way the minds of these people think!
I guess as far as my family and friends ’believing’ me, well I just need to take a step back and let love and loyalty take hold. My unhappiness should be enough for me to want to leave then to try convincing them that he is sociopathic. Those who love me the most can see the cracks and have seen what he has put me through. I guess I just haven’t plucked up the courage to be honest about the abusive side of this man! With all the lying and cheating and mind games and manipulation, he always had or has an excuse. I believed him each time, as did my family. “Poor guy was hurt and burnt by his ex wife that was why he did this and did that Mel…” FALSE… His poor ex wife was the one who experienced exactly the same as I have. But of course, until I looked further into his ’personality disorder’ I too thought she was the nut case and the destroyer. Funny what you uncover when you start focusing on how to fix yourself rather than how to fix the ’non fixable’ relationship.
And that whole ’spy’ comment…lol… that is hysterical! With no discredit to you lawyer, You’d think he would realise that if your SP was in fact a spy, wouldn’t the FBI know this? You’re right in saying that they probably have a department full of SP themselves anyway. Let’s face it (without sounding too judgemental) doesn’t it take a certain personality to lead the life of an FBI agent? Or is it not really like that in Amercia? Have I been watching too many Hollywood flicks?
Melly,
you’re exactly right. It does take a certain personality.
It seems to me that, you have to be as stupid and nieve as I used to be, or as diabolical as my ex-spath is.
Because I think it’s a job I could have done in my past (though poorly) but not one that I can do now that my sense of revulsion has been heightened through knowledge of spaths. They are just too disgusting.
Skylar – my goodness… is it 1:30am where you are? You must be tried?
Disgusting indeed! I never thought I’d see the day where I would find another human being I’ve shared so much of myself with ‘disgusting’. Lol.. his ex wife once described him as a ‘disgusting, vomiting toad!’ So when I read your description of calling them ‘disgusting’ that was that first thought that popped into my mind!