Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Agatha.”
I started to talk to a male friend I was connected to on Facebook after I had a tough break up. He said he reached out to me because he had just gone through similar and thought he could help.
After a few weeks we started to flirt with each other. I did at first, then he went full blown. Within a week of this talk, he admitted he loved me. I did think it was soon but I felt the same.
Then he said he wanted to marry me, possibly have a child, grow old together. Said we were life partners.
I went to visit him and spent a three-day weekend with him, and he had his two young sons for the days of that weekend. So I got to know them.
He kept saying he loved me, meanwhile I now know he was involved with other women, to what extent I cannot confirm, as he threatens me with harassment if I contact anyone.
He first asked if I’d co-sign on a car loan, to which I said yes. He has all my information.
Then his cell phone was going to be turned off and I paid the $250.
Shortly after my visit, he started to “erase” me because I was caught checking into his numerous lies.
I also had been messaged by a woman who said he was using her for money, but he told her I was a stalker and not to talk to me. I have her messages, which I hardly believe were made up.
I also got messaged from another woman who said he has been messaging her via Facebook with sexual messages and videos and photos, several of which he sent to me.
Soon he started to ignore my texts, but still told me he loved me but that he was just busy with traveling sales. I find out now that he may have already been cultivating his next victim and I was catching on to his schemes.
I now know he did this basically to two other women and owes tens of thousands of dollars to men and women. I was in law enforcement so I am surprised I fell for this, but when my gut feeling told me something was up, that is when he started to withdraw.
He was unavailable when my 18-year-old dog died, saying he was sick with a stomach virus.
Shortly later he became vicious with me and broke up.
He has since hoped I die a horrible death, because I told one of his former girlfriends about what he actually was telling me, as opposed to what he was saying to her. She realized he was lying and told him she couldn’t be friends any longer.
He flipped out on me and made threats. He also has called my therapist three times to complain about me, as I see a therapist from what I dealt with in law enforcement. My therapist said he is a classic narcissistic manipulator.
I have a Master’s degree in Criminology and now in hindsight, I see he is either a sociopath or a psychopath.
I have had a real problem believing that I was to blame in the ending of the relationship as he totally blamed me for being pushy (calling him out on his lies and deception).
I’m getting better, but the fact he is still out there doing this to other women shows me he is going to have many more victims, and has had them in the past.
I have a real problem with his behavior that is fraudulent. He recently was in a bachelor auction and his bio was fraudulent, and then in a calendar for a charity and his bio was false in that as well.
He hits all of the traits you have for the sociopath.
There’s so much more to the story as we have mutual friends. He is a predator. He knew I was vulnerable.
He seized the opportunity and he did such a good job. I am blaming myself and still thinking of the time he was nice. And he’s involving his kids. This is wrong.
A Relationship With A Sociopath Makes You Question What’s “Normal”
Agatha, First I want to say heartfelt condolences for the lose of your sweet puppy dog. So heart wrenching to lose a beloved pet especially after 18 years. 😢
I’m glad that you learn the truth about this manipulative evil sociopath & that you found the courage to close the door on this evil sociopathic man for ever. When I finally left my ex h (which I never wanted to date, move in with or marry) I learned the truth from a counselor also. it was a pure nightmare to endure over 14 years (12 married) living with him and 4 years to divorce him. So I am glad that you were not tied to this guy long term. Nevertheless it was a nightmare for you too. I also think it was great that you started to dig around for the truth and connect with these other women. Sociopaths HATE this! They do not want to be exposed what so ever and will always threaten the victim or say that they are “takers”. You will never know the full truth about him but the fact he was using several woman is enough to kick him out of your life for good.
I asked my counselor the first day if my ex h was brain washing me…she said YES!! This is how they suck us in…they are cult leaders using words to manipulate. Right after that counseling session I looked around & found a book called Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan (amazon). Excellent read. If you do a search on Steven Hassan up at the top of Lovefraud you will find a post from Donna on his book.
In Steven Hassan’s book he explains that anyone & everyone can be sucked into a cult, domestic abusive relationship, sex trafficking etc (all the same evil people do these things!!)
Steven Hassan’s states that most people that are sucked into a cult or domestic abusive situation have had some type of live change recently….
such as a divorce, relationship breakup, death in the family, a move to a new city, a new job, going to a new school. empty nest etc etc.
Why this time? because your guard is down during these life changes.
For me I moved to a new state for a new job and I was lonely and he was friend of a friend. The first time I met him I thought he was a tornado…the second time I though he was crazy. He had a large circle of friends so I did not listen to my gut not just that day but the whole marriage. He started to lovefbomb me with endless phone calls on my home answering machine while I was at work. So when I got home there would be 8 or more phone calls which I thought was weird and usually ignored them but then he would call me after I came home. This is what they do…they hook you in and smother your time so that you can not see their con game they are running.
I wanted to leave him everyday!! I NEVER wanted to date him, live with him or marry him. But he would push my boundaries and get his way, not just with me but EVERYONE!!
He was masterful with pity play (which sounds like your ex was too), gas lighting abuse (google), reward & punishment, pathological lying, brain washing & mind control, lovebombing, blame shifting, projection, etc etc. He used every sociopath play book tactic to mind control me. (look these terms up here at love fraud & on the net (google with the word sociopath in front of the word)
When I told my counselor that I thought my then husband had cheated on me 8 to 12 times, I was told it was most likely 3 to 4 times that amount as that is what sociopaths do = serial cheaters!! So no doubt like you state your evil ex sociopath has many many many victims. I have read that sociopaths on average a 100 victims!! SO SO SCARY they are running around and we are not educate in school about this important subject.
Please DO NOT beat yourself up for being conned by this evil sociopath!! We are just not educated on this subject in school…such a shame because so many would be saved if we were. Thanks to people like Donna here at Lovefraud for taking her experience and educating millions.
Following our gut is essential on this planet. One of the best books to remind us of this is the book called “Gift of fear” by Gavin Debecker (your local library may have it). Google “Oprah gavin debunker you tube” to watch their interview on always listening to our guts.
Glad you found your way to lovefruad & posted. It’s not easy to share your story but it is part of the healing process.
Wishing you all the best.
Take care.
just wanted to add:
Do you realize you were in a domestic abusive relationship?
Manipulation is a form of abuse!! So is lying, omission, cheating, threats, conning someone, verbal abuse (does not have to be yelling), financial manipulation is also abuse.
Do some research on this also.
Take care.
HI Agatha,
I’m so sorry for the devastation of everything you have been going through. 8 years ago I discovered, at the age of 50 that I was part of a plan that this sociopathic evil vile monster and his partner in crime had done against me and lost everything that I worked for all my life. Unfortunately the cops, asst. prosecutor and justice system acted like I was the criminal and treated him like he was God (a Charles Manson manipulator). I have my story out there and have tried to help three of his victims and saved one and still working on the other one but the first victim knows so much but still is manipulated by this monster The sociopath you have talked about sounds exactly like the monster I was with. You could look up my story under my nane Marie Cresta and if you would like to email me at mariecresta@comcast.com we could support each other. Thank you and God Bless You