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By | September 12, 2014 29 Comments

He does not know how to tell the truth — he lies just to lie

Spath TalesEditor’s Note: This SPATH story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who goes by the name of “Lauren2014.”

I opened my home, soul and heart to someone who had a ”past.” He was able to pull at my heartstrings and tell me horrific stories of his childhood and terrible accounts of his upbringing so that I would feel sorry for him.

I was willing to overlook his “past” and the bad decisions he made as an adult because I felt it was attributed to his childhood. (Most of which are lies.) I thought every word he told me was the truth.

I would later find out he does not know how to tell the truth. He lies just to lie.

There were so many red flags in the beginning and I still ignored them.

He was so good at manipulating me and making me believe he had only true intentions. On the outside looking in, it appeared I was happy in love … he made sure of that. I was fooled into thinking that we were genuinely in love.

He wanted to spend all his time with me in the beginning (red flag), shared my same interests, extremely helpful and useful around the house, showered me with attention and flattery, and he constantly told me he loved me.

When there were problems, I was too embarrassed to share. I should have known better when he started keeping his cell phone on “lock down” after the honeymoon phase.

Always hiding something … everything.

One thing that I am so embarrassed to even mention, I google-searched phone numbers from phone bills which turned up to be transvestite prostitutes. His response, “I just needed attention; I’m not having sex with them”.

YEAH RIGHT.

I know now that this man lacks a sexual identity which is common among sociopaths.

As a Registered Nurse, even after a year, I still was unable to recognize the symptoms of being played by a sociopath. There was always something that I could not put my finger on (outside of the cheating, mistrust and conning) when I finally did some research of my own and all of my questions were answered…

I stumbled on a great site: Lovefraud.com. To my horror, I realized who the hell was sharing my bed. This man stole from me, denied that he did it and told me I was making it up… I was crazy and paranoid.

Sociopaths create chaos/drama in the home when they get bored. He enjoyed playing psychological games with me. I know he found and old card from an ex-boyfriend, went out and bought me a card and wrote inside the card in MY EX-BOY FRIENDS HANDWRITING!!

One day I came home from work, opened the pantry and my heart sunk. He rearranged the pantry like it was a supermarket with all the labels facing out–reminded me of Sleeping with the Enemy.

Whenever something like this happened he would turn his good deed into me devaluing him. And when HE created the drama in my home, he blamed it on me, “You just love drama, don’t you girl?”

What was so frustrating is that while he was telling me all his friends loved me and he only spoke positive words about me, behind my back he would tell them I was crazy.

Sociopaths cannot be cured.

They lack a conscience and only mirror behavior/feelings that they have been shown. He frequently goes to AA meetings. Not to hear the message, but to prey on other weak people and cause terror in their life or figure out a way how he can benefit/profit from others. That is also his starting point when he is kicked out of homes when his girlfriends or guyfriends have figured his game out.

In the end, when I took an inanimate object away from him that DID NOT belong to him nor did he purchase, he became physically aggressive and abusive to me. Within days of the assault, in true classic sociopath form, he called my employer to attempt to smear my reputation.

I have learned through my own investigation that he has conspiratorial confidants that were in place before he met me. My story is not unique. And unfortunately, there will be another girl … and another who will have to go through what I did.

I wish I could warn her but I can’t. She will have to find out for herself … just like I did. I will be just another “crazy ex” just like he said all his other exes were. In the end, to confirm what I already know, I called his adoptive mother who told me that the man I was living with for a year was diagnosed with conduct disorder at five years old.

As an adult, protective orders were put in place by his parents because of his erratic behavior.

This man has four children and has married three times. His first marriage ended on his honeymoon when he took off with wedding gifts and cash!

Further history includes jumping from woman to woman, using them for money and shelter until boredom occurs, the money dries up or she figures his game out.

I am currently in the court process for the assault. He of course knows how to work the system (playing the victim as well) and I am on my second continuance.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and was hospitalized for 5 days for suicidal ideation. I am currently on antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds and I am feeling fabulous. My home is at peace now and I am thankful for that. I am in the process of healing. I have been affected emotionally and psychologically from this empty shell of a soul and it will take me a long time to trust another person again.

I have been in and out of court with my sociopathic ex-boyfriend for the assault.

He knows how to play the system. He has continued his case multiple times, obtained an attorney at the last minute and absolutely plays the victim role.

When I arrived in court last month on my birthday, I thought it was going to be the last time I would have to see his face. Wrong. Because of a clerical error, I was never served a subpoena for an assault! He took out assault charges against me six weeks after the event.

Everyone in the court including the deputy, a detective who helped me retrieve my car he stole from me, and the witness protection advocate knew exactly what he was doing. I was in tears. I felt victimized all over again.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Unfortunately, they could not proceed with my case. Thankfully, they did not handcuff me. The same officer who responded to my 911 call walked me in to a back door and I was able to sign and leave.

I am hopeful that next month when I go to court with my attorney that it will be the last time I see this Lost Soul.

“Lauren2014”

PS: I am hopeful that next month when I go to court with my attorney that it will be the last time I see this Lost Soul.

 


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Lauren2014 – thank you for sharing your story. It is interesting that you are a nurse. I can tell you that many, many people in the helping professions – nurses, counselors, therapists – are targeted by sociopaths. People like you get satisfaction from helping others – and sociopaths take advantage of that.

And then he tries to get you arrested. Despicable.

Lauren2014

Thank you Donna! Healing is definitely a process. There are good days and not so good days. My ex has forced me to move out of my home. He would break in to my house when I wasn’t there and move things around just to play with my head. When I called the cops they would always look at me mystified. I had no proof. He is working on his next vic now so his attention is placed elsewhere.

Kathleen

I wish I were brave enough to go to court. I’m just to worn down and know he would lie and lie until I were the perpetrator instead of the victim. He has my lifesavings and broke my heart. Now he slanders me remorselessly. I feel like a coward in comparison. I suppose I feel it would be the final straw if I dare go to court. It’s frustrating that the public need educating before men like the one who hooked me get caught. We’re still married and calls me his wife on greetings cards etc. then proceeds to tell me the multiple people he is sleeping with! They people are evil and normal empaths need protection now.

tryn

It seems they are using a handbook as so many of our stories are the same. The ex spath in my life home invaded me as well. It took a long time and a lot of money to figure out how he was getting in. I basically said to myself ” you wanna make me move? Give up my job? Well then, make me!” I’m still here and that sicko is onto his next victim whom I feel sorry for. There doesn’t seem to be a way to warn anyone but this website is a fabulous start! The ex spath always talked about “the man book” so I truly believe there is a website or some kind of book they all read. It’s a double bind not being able to publicly out them because without proof and even with proof no one believes you anyway. They are pros at fooling everyone but what sad husks of humanity. We women need a better way than the school of hard knocks in this situation as many do not survive their spath.

undertheradar

Tryn

Oh the lack of proof! Drove me insane trying to prove that I wasn’t the crazy one, although I ended up feeling like one…

stronginthecity

Lauren,
Thank you for the courage and strength to post your story here. I saw your reply to Donna about him breaking into your house and moving things around.
The same thing has happened to me and I was beginning to question my sanity.
I have changed the locks but his circle of friends include a master locksmith and electrician.
He has “joked” in the past about putting hidden cameras in my house and wonder about that now because he always seems to know what I am doing throughout the day when I am home such as a text saying “good morning” when I wake on varied times on the weekends.
I also called the police and got the same reaction.
am in week 3 of no contact and one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

Lauren2014

Stronginthecity,
Stay strong because these spaths expect us to remain passive.

I’m finally finished with court. My sociopathic ex-boyfriend was found guilty of the assault. I couldn’t be happier.

stronginthecity

Way to go!
Thank you, I am feeling strong and staying strong because of this site and others like it!
I want to write the entire story but it’s already been written here many times.
I did get 1 text today…blah blah delete.

Icandothis

Lauren2014… Thank you for sharing your experiences with the spath. I felt your hurt. I am so sorry to learn I am definitely not alone with this breed. I wish no one else ever had to experience the craziness/anguish they impose on peoples lives. I’m hoping I’m going thru the worst of the process now after identifying this chaos I have lived for the past 14 yrs. Now waking up and listening to his utter BS until I shut my eyes again is painful and in the midst of it all, I know I am leaving as soon as I can. I am safe as long as he has no idea (which he hasn’t) because he is so into himself. I have changed nothing except my tolerance of what comes out his mouth which is now very low so I walk away.
I have no idea how we have all stayed sane in the ‘not knowing’ stages of being with these spaths. Wow…. cheers to us all. I have shaken my head time and time and time again in the past…. with total shock/disbelief with his ‘super’ ego, his lack of empathy, his drive to create chaos, seek attention, his laughter at someone experiencing pain… oh the list just goes on and on. I have so often said to him…. if I was any weaker person … I would be around the twist living with you. I had no idea that what I was thinking and feeling and saying all this time was in fact very serious. Being associated with this spate has certainly put me in dark places and I’m still there most days but recognising this I feel is one MAJOR step in crawling back up out of this dark place.
I now get that they are simply an empty souls. There is no point trying to make them see their behaviour as abnormal because they will just never get it. They don’t have any empathy… how can they possibly understand anything. They believe their own lies like they are genuinely telling the truth with out a pin head of doubt. There is just no sense in us allowing them to affect us because they are hollow. We are the only ones that will get hurt and once we are sure without a doubt this is what they are…. it’s time to take our lives back. Stick together as we do on Lovefraud and march through this like a Boss. We are true survivors. I wish you much much much support and love Lauren2014. WE CAN DO THIS!

stronginthecity

To all of the brave women who have posted here, I say thank you for sharing your stories as they are extremely helpful for others to hear that they are NOT crazy, this is (was) really happening.
When I was in the thick of things, he completely isolated me from my family and friends.
I am in the process of apologizing and recovering at the same time.
The postings here have gotten me through the weekend, thank you.

undertheradar

Icandothis

Your story is my story. I stayed in the chaos and confusion for 14 years until I couldn’t do it anymore, proof or not! When I decided to leave (5months ago) it was with army percission. I arranged for 2 trucks, 3 utes and 20 people to be at my house when he’d left for a day at footy and being the only time I could guarantee he’d be gone for 6 hours. It was a well oiled machine but sadly I wasn’t able to fit all my beautiful plants in… I did leave half of everything and we also completely cleaned the house and made the bed before leaving – I still feel ripped off that I was the one that had to move out of the house “I” made a home but I’m so glad I’m out of the marriage. Time will tell if I get my sanity back and remove the paranoia I’ve adopted but I’m now free to work on those aspects of me and I’m grateful I finally found the strength and determination to leave.
Good luck with your escape!

JoJo

Omg this sounds exactly like what I am going through with my soon to be ex husband.I am on the same type meds and have been under doctors and therapists care.Its a long painful journey and I too am always hopeful not to have to face that empty soul devil again.But we are not done yet.His assault caused injury to me and I am in chronic pain.Funny how they think they are the victim.Classic Spath behaviour.Funny though how many professionals fall for it when the Spath has money.I just say my prayers and hope Karma visits him with spiked high heels one day.I too will not trust easily ever again.It has taught me to look closer at who I allow in my life.May you be blessed with the peace you deserve and please be kind to yourself.It can happen to any of us.Stay strong and keep going.They are never worth ending our lives.I can totally relate because my Spath took me to the edge.There are wayy to many good people that love us to let a bastard win.Cheers.

Imara

JoJo, I just now got around to reading this and want to thank you for my laugh of the day!!!
Karma in high spiked heels???So very apt and the image this brings to my mind cracks me up!!!!!
All I can say is “from your mouth to God’s ears!!!” May it be as we pray!

JoJo

Lol ” Icandothis” you made me laugh.LIKE. A BOSS!!!! I love it.Yes you are right we can do this.Thank God for this site.Stay strong !

Lauren2014

Thank you “icandothis” and “Jojo” for all your well wishes.
The problem I had in the beginning is that no one believed me, including my family. I/he isolated myself from the rest of the world. When I confronted my family after I kicked him out of my home, he was terrorizing me. I was a mess. My parents couldn’t believe that this person had the capability of doing this to another person. My spath would text my father and tell him he loved me and that I was paranoid…that I needed help. Well yes I needed help, thanks to him. I did not have the PTSD diagnosis at the time but looking back I was triggering 20x a day. I had no one else to turn to and my own family (whom I pushed away)wasn’t able to comprehend what I was going through. Suicide is never the answer. Now, I feel more empowered. I am the FIRST woman to take his ass to court.
“Icandothis”… The more feeling and emotion you give your husband, your feeding his wants and desires. Give him nothing and just leave. Especially if there is children involved. It is not fair to them. That is what made it easy for me to get out. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for them 🙂
“Jojo” I definitely believe in Karma honey. All our Spaths have what’s coming to them

tryn

I call them soul assassins. The devil indeed. I often tell people that I think I dated the devil, or at the very least one of his close relatives.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

Even a friend relationship can be addictive somewhat, I am finding. I have been ignoring my friend for several months but still have her on my FB wall. I have been just deleting her insults since May. Last nite, I said ENOUGH and responded to one and told her to stay off my wall too. She is like a sister to me, known her a long, long time, etc.
She has smeared me for well over a decade and I thot there was some validity to her thots so I let her as it “was just for my own good” and she and I do think alot alike.
Now, I’m well enough to say SHUT UP.
I am shaking the last 2 hrs tho today as she has responded. It IS NOT truth that she is speaking and its straight from hell as I had had a good nite, last evening and thru the nite, and into the morning before I read her response and had to write my subsequent one.
SUCKS to be doing well finally, actually feeling good and then BAM to be shaking for awhile. I couldn’t even make cookies with the kids as I was going to for a treat today. Shame on her! Why didn’t I see it before? I did somewhat as she would 98S% of the time, stick up for “the narc’s side”. But I made allowances…
This addiction however, I am over. There may be repercussions from her as she’s a sick person but I’m not just ignoring anymore. I’m done taking the BS.
God, may I be done with all the disordered ppl’s BS! And get angry, moving on from rejected. I would hope they would reject me, I’m normal lol

Lauren2014 – great news! I’m so glad he was found guilty! Is there any punishment?

Lauren2014

Yes there was a punishment. 30 days in jail. I don’t consider that a harsh punishment however I am thrilled it will be on his record. He would always boast about not having any domestic charges on his record in the past. I fixed that by being the first woman to stand up to him!

Good for you!

Diane111

Great post and comments!! I know I’m married to a sociopath and have made all the well-known mistakes … going back is the major one! Mine has never physically abused me, however, the mental abuse, gas-lighting and lies are far more worse than any physical bruise he could have caused. He also steals, from his employer, and feels he is “entitled” to the items. He has also stolen from restaurants when he feels justified in doing so, i.e. bad service, etc. Empathy? Remorse? Forget it! Icandothis … yes, the laughter and sincere happiness at someone’s misfortune, even his own family members. UGH!!! And undertheradar … I did the exact same thing … waited until I knew he wasn’t going to be home for ten hours or so and moved my belongings out. I had bought a house. All on my own and in secret. Before the end of that day, I was feeling extremely guilty about leaving and without his knowing. Second-guessing myself. I was there when he got home. We talked. Mistake. He pulled me right in with the gas-lighting. I believed he was sorry. I believed we could make the marriage work. He was the “perfect” husband/person for the past six months. The past month and half, not so. He’s reverting back to his “real” self. Deep down I knew it wouldn’t last. I still have the house I bought and never moved any of belongings back in. All I really need to do is to pack up the rest of my things and walk out. The “no contact” is the ONLY way to survive. I’ve been seeing a psychologist since my decision to stay … felt like I was the crazing one, i.e. overreacting, jumping to conclusions, being overly-sensitive. I felt like I needed to be more understanding. She’s been a God-send to me. It’s just a matter of time … short time … until I move out … and stay out. This site is awesome! Thank you to everyone who is on here and comments. Extremely helpful. One does not feel so alone.

Lauren2014

Its been a year and a half since I ended my relationship with my sociopathic ex. I’m in a much better place mentally and emotionally. Sharing my story here on Lovefraud.com was therapeutic for me. Anyone who would like to private message me for support is welcome =).
A message to everyone who has lived the nightmare… Keep your chin up, hood your ground and push forward! You can do it!

Lauren2014 – thank you for checking in! I am so happy to hear that you are doing much better – and that Lovefraud helped!

healingsoule

I married a liar who was on marines.com he told me he was in fallujah and belonged to 3/5 dark horse. I had recently moved to Texas and recently divorced after 22 years of marriage. My son is a marine which is why I was on the site. We married quickly I didn’t question it. It started to unravel quickly as he is alcoholic. He never served a day in his life. He attended my son’s wedding hung out with young marines shared stories which were all lies. He isolated me hated my friends went to rehab 3 times tried to commit suicide was abusive stole my id and debit card scratched my car and made out as if it was all my fault. He wrecked his truck left me homeless and I am only now finally accepting that he is incapable of love has no remorse and continues to deflect everything on me. He even went online and filled out on the government website to get a dd214. I left him had to ask my father for help to move into my own place. At age 55 how did I not see this. I have been beating myself up. How did I not know I feel like let my son down my daughter. I need to divorce him as the final hurdle and regain my inner soul. I am tired of the constant txts it heads nowhere. I need help I feel like I am in a dark abyss. Thanks for listening

angelina

this is my first Friday… and only my second night without my “boyfriend” in three months. Dateline is canceled! Nooooo! I am lost as I love that show.

this is so sad.

stronginthecity

I’m right there with you. Enjoy the quiet and think only about you. Go get a manicure and pedicure. Shave your legs. Just for incredible you.

angelina

I’m actually sharing sushi with my kitty. :). Thank you so much

stronginthecity

You stay strong and don’t beat yourself up over setbacks.
We are all here for you.
If you care to share get it out.

angelina

Can any of relate to being so bullied… yes .. he bullied me…
so teased. So deliberately emotion manipulated NY these evil people . That in the midst of one their cruelty sess7… in my case. .. his putting all his things in trash bags after he’d talked marriage and never hurting me just that morning…
I was so shocked… scared… I start screaming and crying.. and begging him to not abandon me. He laughed at me!!– i…. a woman who practices yoga.. and im very gentle… I slapped him in the face. He said… ” See you are crazy. ” he is 6 feet 5… 240 pounds. I’m 110 pounds . He has told people I attacked him!!!! Omg. He was purposely pushing my buttons.
On fone. Pardon typos

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