I am often asked how I managed to get out of that place of darkness to live with such light and joy in my heart today. The answer is fairly simple — I chose to. The reality is much more complex. The following piece describes where I got to in that journey. It is an excerpt from my book, The Dandelion Spirit. I originally wrote it on a forum I belonged to about a year after he was arrested. It was my ‘explanation’ of what happened to me in that relationship.
There is a warning with this post — it may trigger you. If it does, breathe — and know, when a trigger explodes in your mind, it is your opportunity to embrace it, walk into it, accept it and heal it. Only you can make that choice. Triggers exist in our mind. The past is no longer. It is gone. The memories are what are hurting us. And when we pull the trigger and let the bullet of memory pierce us, we give ourselves the grace of being free. Nameste
He told her it was ”˜love at first sight’. Destiny. Fate. He asked her to marry him on the first date — has anyone ever loved you so completely? Has anyone ever swept you off your feet with such passion? Such fervour? She told him she was not ready. He pursued.
He wanted sex within the first week or two of meeting and showered her with gifts, flowers, champagne, to prove he truly, madly deeply loved her and only her. When she told him it was too soon for physical intimacy, that she needed to ”˜go slowly’ he respected her wishes. But, then he arranged a ”˜special’ weekend away at an exotic location to surprise her. How could she refuse him?
And on that first time together, he became short of breath, his skin started to flake from lack of oxygen. He had a heart-attack. The ambulance came. She was whisked away, and though his business partners kept her informed of his health, she never knew where he was, or what was truly happening. When next she saw him, he sadly told her of his rare heart condition. Being ”˜a man’s man’ he could not fathom living with someone else’s heart beating in his body. He must undergo experimental surgery, but only once his heart has deteriorated to a point that it was feasible — 1 month, 2 months at the outside 3.
He gave her a new cell phone so that she did not need to worry about the expense. He constantly reminded her that though she was successful in her own right, all that she had accomplished to create her beautiful life was nothing compared to what he would make possible. He told her that no one would ever want for her what he could give her, for what he was going to give her were her dreams come true. The dreams she had whispered to him while lying safely in his arms, the world far away and silent. He held her and told her of his love. He laughed and teased her, told her with fervent kisses of his dreams for ”˜them’, for their happily ever after.
And she slid into his arms.
Everything circled around his desires and wants—he was dying, he was weak. He could not be ”˜excited’. But even in his ‘ill health’, he was only concerned about her well-being. He told her he was setting up trust funds, changing over his insurance policies, investing in her business, investing in other businesses to create a life for her greater than any she could ever imagine — or ask for or wanted. She only wanted him to live.
As his health failed, he would confess that he was part of an organized family. One of the ”˜upper echelon’. She didn’t understand. She didn’t believe those things really existed. He told her that was what made her so beautiful. Her innocence. Her belief in goodness.
“You do not believe in evil,” he said, stroking her hair where he held her head against his chest. “You have not seen what I have seen.”
What did the past matter, she wondered. He was dying. Now was all they had to share.
As a parting gift, he wanted to give her the story of his life — “It will be such a story,” he said. “Your fame as a writer will be assured.” It will be called, ”˜A New Don Rising’ for he was changing the old guard, he was ridding the ”˜family’ of its unethical, illegal businesses. He was honourable, righteous. He did not want to be remembered for the destruction he had created, but for the lives he had saved through his ”˜good works’. She was his inspiration, his reason for hanging on to see that what he started was completed, and that she never need for anything again. That she and her daughters were safe from harm.
He had secret friends, and many, many enemies. He will toy with her by telling her that his enemies were willing to harm her and her children to get at him. He told her evil men had sent him three bullets. Pictures of a young girl being violated — she looks like your eldest daughter, he said. These evil men were threatening to kidnap her daughter, drug her and put her in the sex trade unless she remained silent. He promised he would never let harm come to her and them, but she must do what he says and be silent. Only silence will keep her children safe. She will never see these evil men, but he will tearfully tell her of the threats he has received against her and her children.
He will triangulate his relationship with her and with other people. He will tell her who is ”˜plotting’ against her. He will tell her who is working with the police to build their case against him and using her and her love for her children as the wedge to destroy him. He will tell her that she is being investigated by child services, that he has men following her to keep her safe and the police have people following her to spy on him and the bad men have people following her to get at him. Wherever she goes there are people following her, taking pictures, watching. And she knows they are there, because sometimes she sees them. Sometimes she is shown pictures. Sometimes, he comments on what she was wearing that day, even when he has told her he wasn’t there. She never knows when someone will be watching. Or not. She never knows.
He will appear emotionally hurt at what he tells her others are doing to turn her against him — and though she will never see or know what others are doing, he will ensure she believes him and is too frightened of her daughters’ safety to risk confronting him or these ”˜others’ about him.
He will tell her about his past lovers and relationships — before his marriage. He will tell her how cold and sterile his marriage was. He will tell her that he has never paid for sex, never used pornography, never been with a woman other than his wife while married — but theirs was an arranged marriage between families — she was an exceptional wife and mother but they had never truly, madly, deeply known love together. And now, with her, he does know true love, and he’ll leave out the mad part but she will feel it. And he will ask her about her experiences — and keep the intimate details stored until a later date when he will use the information to terrorize her.
He will always give her compliments. He has known her through many lifetimes — but this is the first time he has to show her his love. She will come to wish it were the last. She will come to believe that his love will kill her. And she will remain silent.
He will act overly concerned, soft and caring when she speaks to him of her terror of these unseen evil men and her fears for her daughters’ safety. He will tell her not to cry. He will tell her it’s okay to cry. He will take her tears and use them as his weapon, to show her how weak, stupid and ugly she is. How pathetic.
And she will believe him. She is pathetic for not being able to handle the terror. She will try to take her own life and he will laugh at her pitiful attempt to end it.
“You can never leave me,” he will tell her. “I will never let you go.”
And she will grow silent and only say those things that keep him calm, that cause him to applaud her, to appreciate her, to admire her.
Eventually, he will tell her that she reminds him of his mother. He will tell her how sad it makes him that his mother will never know her — for she is the woman she would have loved as her daughter-in-law.
He will create a ”˜husband’ for her. One of the top family men whom no one will mess with — and to ensure no one messes with her. He will show her the wedding invitations, the marriage certificate. He will promise her that he will have the ”˜marriage’ evaporate as soon as he has corrected all the wrongs so that then he can marry her himself — as soon as he has wrought vengeance on those who have tried to harm him. She will never wear the dress. Never walk the aisle. But he will convince her that isn’t necessary. He is doing this all for her. She must trust him. Believe him. She doesn’t. But she never tells him. And she never tells herself of her fears.
He will always take away the evidence and leave her with nothing to show for his promises, his threats, his lies. He will tell her he has signed papers in her name. “It is for your own good,” he will say. And she will remain silent. Sometimes, she’ll wonder where the papers are. But she doesn’t dare look for them. He will be angry if she does. And so, she stays silent and holds onto the darkness he tells her will keep her safe.
He will tell her of the many assassination attempts against him. He will carry a gun and show it to her ”˜accidentally’. She will panic and he will laugh at her and tell her to face the truth, “life is tough and if she wants to keep her children safe, she’d better learn to accept he has a gun.” He will call her in a panic, telling her of the latest assassination attempt, telling her his cousin is dead, but he escaped with only minor wounds. He will call her from the funeral, tears in his voice. Begging her to help him understand why it has to be like this. Why can’t they just leave him alone to love her as she deserves to be loved.
He will keep her on the rollercoaster of his lies and she will keep her eyes tightly shut, missing the exits flying by.
He will make sure she fears for her life, and her daughters’ safety. She will despair that she has brought such terror into their existence, and he will tell her it is his fault, but he will fix it. And then, he’ll blame her for the mess and remind her that only he can fix it.
He will arrange for ”˜things’ to happen to convince her that the evil men are watching, plotting, attempting to kill her or harm her daughters. There will be dead birds on her doorstep, bombs beneath her car. Kidnappers lurking, items missing from her home.
As her terror rises and she become less and less able to function, he will promise to protect her, to take care of her. He will remind her it is all her fault that she is like this and that the beautiful life he was building for her was destroyed. When a police investigator comes to see her about him and she spends five minutes talking to the investigator, he will yell and scream at her that she is stupid, stupid, stupid. When the ”˜other woman’ accosts her in her office, he will scream and yell at her that she should not have gone into the office that day. And he will never explain why there is an investigation, or why the other woman exists. And she will be too frightened to ask.
He will make her change cell phones many times — to foil the evil men from listening to her calls. From tracking where he is and knowing where she is going. But he will always know and make sure she knows he sees her, even when he isn’t there.
He will ensure she knows he is taping her calls by repeating conversations she’s had with others. He will call her from far away places in the middle of the night and accuse her of having another man in her bed. He will accuse her of having at least two affairs. He will accuse her of vile things. He will use every ounce of knowledge he has about her against her. He will use her.
He will ensure she knows he is capable of murder. He will ensure she knows there is no getting away from him. He will ensure she witnesses his ability to harm others, to obtain vengeance. He will build the case to ensure she tries to kill herself and when she fails, he will hold her pinioned in his arms until she becomes the walking dead, alive only through his munificence.
And when he is not there, when he is away, she will sleep with one eye open for he is always lurking, somewhere in the corners of her mind.
I no longer sleep with one eye open. He is not lurking anywhere in the corners of my mind. I have filled my thinking with all that loves and supports me. I have no room for him in my mind today. He is not important. He has no value.He does not count in my life today.
I agree no communication.. they just play you.. I have these insights that I think about sharing but.. months ago when I did this.. he never was self-relfective.. he just slammed me to try and make me feel that I am at fault. Communication brings you down and back ito the place of trying to make them hear you, listen, change .. to try and get some satisfaction and it won’t happen.. If it could’ve happened.. it would’ve already and you wouldn’t be where you are now. There is no satisfaction to be had.. but going on with your life.
Everyone, I don’t disagree with you. I agree that NC is the best solution. I would never recommend to anyone that they have contact with a P.
My only contact with him is the occasional seed planting, then I drop out of his contact zone for a while.
The danger to me is less while I have him befuddled. He is completely confused by the change in my personality, I’m happy and unflappable now. He even said that he wants to know who this “guru” is that I’m seeing and he said I’m bi-polar. He is desperately trying to figure out my personality but I keep changing it. He can’t keep up, so he can’t make any plans.
The reason I’m telling him exactly what he is, is because I’m not very good at lying. So instead I’m confusing him with selective truths. There is another aspect of the psychopath that I’ve learned: they are very introspective. If you read the quote by Yukio Mishima which I posted on a different thread, you can read what I mean. They are very aware that they are different but they can’t figure out why (their narcissism blocks the view). I’m using his own interest in himself and what makes him tick, to throw him off my trail. I’m giving him something else to think about when he thinks about hurting me.
This is working for me because, my relationshit with my P was a bit different in that even though he hated me, he relied on me for information about everything because I read a lot and he can barely read at all. he knows that I research things, and he knows that I don’t lie. So I’m just pulling on a string from our past to create this new line.
Eventually I will sell the house and move away and then NC will be permanent. Until then, I must show no fear.
skylar:
So exactly is it you gain by telling him that he is a sociopath? From where I’m standing you’re just giving him more information that can and will be used against you. As Robert Hare says, traditional therapy is wasted on these creatures since it only helps them hone their skills. You tell him he’s a sociopath, he will probably find his way to some site or whatever and learn even more ways to drive you insane.
As for your need to “educate” yourself, I think rather than studying these creaures in the wild, you would be far better advised to read “Without Conscience”, “The Sociopath Next Door”, etc where experts, who have not been personally enmeshed with these subhumans, have done a very good job of laying out for you, in their books, whatever you need to know for your education on sociopaths.
You say you want him gone. Everytime you intereact with him you are doing exactly the opposite of that. YOu say he is steadily dropping his financial demands on you. IMHO if you simply stopped interacting with him he will realize that there is nothing more to be got from you and move on. Everytime you deal with him you are sending him the opposite message — at least from where I’m standing.
Go dark. Stop talking to him. Let him move on. And then you can move yourself out of your mother’s house and back into your house. Your science experiements are getting in the way of your recovery. And your recovery should be more important to you than any “knowledge” you are gaining by pushing his buttons tha the knowledge which is already well-spelled out in books.
Agree Matt. Any interaction also feeds our own addiction to drama. Not saying everyone has an addiction to drama, but if you’ve been involved with a P/S/N, you’ve had DRAMA…..and at first the peace and quiet can feel unsettling.
I personally strive to be as drama free as possible now. A woman was baiting me in a work email today, and I just let it go. No drama!
Matt, thanks for being concerned. I’m not saying there isn’t any danger, I’m only saying it is equal to or less than NC.
He knows I know and he knows I’ve told others, including his friends what he is. Therefore, he knows that it’s in his best interest that I stay VERY HEALTHY. He knows that if I turn up dead, EVERYONE will say: oh, P did it. She said P was trying to kill her and he did!
So that’s one benefit. But the way I present it, also makes him think that his sociopathy is showing and it’s blatently obvious to anyone who is educated in the field. I do this by calling him on every nuance and telling him that ALL sociopaths do exactly what he just did. LOL.
But it’s not a lie, it’s true! Only it’s making him so insecure that he’s going out of his way to be super nice. He doesn’t rage anymore. and the other day, my diamond ring, (which I got from my childhood sweetheart) fell off my finger and into his car (I’ve lost so much weight). He found it and called me to tell me he would leave it at the house. And he did.
Finally, I’m not worried that I’m turning him into a super-sociopath by informing him. He is already a super-sociopath, he is subtle and he’s a master sabateur. (not to mention the poisoning) But, sociopaths can never be more than what they are. He will always be a 3 trick pony: charm, pity and rage. Everything about him is infantile despite his superior mechanical abilities.
I tell him that I expect him to sabotage my car and house, so therefore he doesn’t do it, because he’s trying to prove me wrong. There’s nothing more important to them than their veneer – he desperately needs me to believe in him again. It’s the classic reverse psychology. So far it’s working.
I went through a phase where I thought that I could play him..but I didn’t and couldn’t.. I am not like him.. I am too real.. and trying to ‘play’ him only kept him in my life longer..
it doesn’t work for real people… They are too ahead of you because they don’t have real feelings and don’t care.. I keep foretting that.. the love love love that they talk about is just talk..
where real people actually do feel.. and so they hurt and it takes time to get over..
they just going on manipulating…
Skylar,
What was your ring doing in his car? It’s really hard for me to understand your motive in staying in contact with him. Are you afraid that if you go NC, he will try to kill you? Or are you trying to beat him at his own game to have some sort of power over him?
Either way, you keep yourself stuck as long as you are in contact with him like this. You will not be able to heal. It’s a form of denial to think that you can somehow “win” over a sociopath. He still wins because he sucks your time and energy. I repeat, you are not healing as long as you are playing this game with him. And as long as you are not on the healing path, I don’t know how much help we can give you. Healing starts with NC. There are no loopholes or exceptions to this I’m afraid. There is nothing “special” about your sociopath that makes him okay to hang out with. Sorry to be tough on you, but I’m really questioning your choices here.
In my opinion, if you can “plant seeds”, do reverse psychology, and play various mind games with someone, you are either NOT dealing with a psychopath, or you are delusional.
Furthermore, psychopaths are NOT introspective.
In fact, they are the polar opposite.
That is one of the reasons why therapy does not work with them.
Matt, I am glad you brought up Robert Hare.
Page 195 of “Without Conscience” states,
“PSYCHOPATHS DON’T FEEL THEY HAVE PSYCHOLOGICAL OR EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS, AND THEY SEE NO REASON TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR TO CONFORM TO SOCIETAL STANDARDS WITH WHICH THEY DO NOT AGREE.”
“To elaborate, psychopaths are generally well satisfied with themselves and with their inner landscape, bleak as it may seem to outside observers. They see nothing wrong with themselves, experience little personal distress, and find their behavior rational, rewarding, and satisfying; they never look back with regret or forward with concern.”
“They perceive themselves as superior beings in a hostile, dog-eat-dog world in which others are competitors for power and resources.”
“Psychopaths are not ‘fragile’ individuals. What they think and do are extensions of a rock-solid personality structure that is extremely resistant to outside influence. By the time they enter a formal treatment program their attitudes and behavioral patterns have become well-entrenched, difficult to budge even under the best circumstances.”
This theory that psychopaths can be “played”, manipulated, or changed in any way is reckless and dangerous, in my opinion.
People may be reading this website searching for help in dealing with a dangerous psychopath in their life.
I really believe that we should try to be as accurate & responsible as possible with the information we put out there.
Sorry, I have worked myself into a lather.
But, the psychopaths I have encountered in my life are NOTHING TO PLAY WITH.
Rosa,
I agree with you. I tried to get mine to a psychologist and he yelled that they don’t work. I tried to one up him and you can’t.. they are so detached that they match you then you feel further trauma.. mine love, love love, I will love you forever. You came out of my dream. You are the woman that I have been searching for my whole life.. turned out to be the coldest man that I have ever seen. He cuts his emotions (contrived) emotions as fast as he jumps in.. A normal person is left to deal with the feelings..
I tried to interact and one up .. and I regretted it everytime.. Now, I learned NO CONTACT… All he wants to do now, is to make me feel confused, blame me and to undermine my self-confidence. He is not someone that I want to interact with ever..and he never thought about the future in any real sense. He lives in the moment of his delusions and in his head. And was after me three months after his wife died.. that he couldn’t afford to divorce.. he is asking me to marry him.. He is cold as ice, out for himself and that is what your is also… DON’T PLAY GAMES, TRY TO BEAT THEM or WIN. The winning is NC. If you contact, they know that they are still on your mind.. and that feeds them..
You know, my ex, the psychopath, that I only dated for a few months, was NEVER angry or violent with me. He never smeared or devalued me as most have. Even so, when I found out how crazy he was and what a seamless pathological liar he was, I became terrified of him. Even after he was out of my life, I tried to start a discussion about psychopaths on my reptile site (where he was a member). I got so scared I ended up having nightmares about him raping and killing me. I had to ask a moderator to remove the thread.
I cannot stress enough how very dangerous these creatures are. Having no empathy and no moral conscience makes a person very unpredictable and dangerous.
I agree with the above post. Either he’s not a socipath, or you are delusional (skylar). Also, if he is, in fact, a sociopath, any normal people would not want anything to do with him (or you by proxy). You will be pulled into his world with little if any external support.