I am often asked how I managed to get out of that place of darkness to live with such light and joy in my heart today. The answer is fairly simple — I chose to. The reality is much more complex. The following piece describes where I got to in that journey. It is an excerpt from my book, The Dandelion Spirit. I originally wrote it on a forum I belonged to about a year after he was arrested. It was my ‘explanation’ of what happened to me in that relationship.
There is a warning with this post — it may trigger you. If it does, breathe — and know, when a trigger explodes in your mind, it is your opportunity to embrace it, walk into it, accept it and heal it. Only you can make that choice. Triggers exist in our mind. The past is no longer. It is gone. The memories are what are hurting us. And when we pull the trigger and let the bullet of memory pierce us, we give ourselves the grace of being free. Nameste
He told her it was ”˜love at first sight’. Destiny. Fate. He asked her to marry him on the first date — has anyone ever loved you so completely? Has anyone ever swept you off your feet with such passion? Such fervour? She told him she was not ready. He pursued.
He wanted sex within the first week or two of meeting and showered her with gifts, flowers, champagne, to prove he truly, madly deeply loved her and only her. When she told him it was too soon for physical intimacy, that she needed to ”˜go slowly’ he respected her wishes. But, then he arranged a ”˜special’ weekend away at an exotic location to surprise her. How could she refuse him?
And on that first time together, he became short of breath, his skin started to flake from lack of oxygen. He had a heart-attack. The ambulance came. She was whisked away, and though his business partners kept her informed of his health, she never knew where he was, or what was truly happening. When next she saw him, he sadly told her of his rare heart condition. Being ”˜a man’s man’ he could not fathom living with someone else’s heart beating in his body. He must undergo experimental surgery, but only once his heart has deteriorated to a point that it was feasible — 1 month, 2 months at the outside 3.
He gave her a new cell phone so that she did not need to worry about the expense. He constantly reminded her that though she was successful in her own right, all that she had accomplished to create her beautiful life was nothing compared to what he would make possible. He told her that no one would ever want for her what he could give her, for what he was going to give her were her dreams come true. The dreams she had whispered to him while lying safely in his arms, the world far away and silent. He held her and told her of his love. He laughed and teased her, told her with fervent kisses of his dreams for ”˜them’, for their happily ever after.
And she slid into his arms.
Everything circled around his desires and wants—he was dying, he was weak. He could not be ”˜excited’. But even in his ‘ill health’, he was only concerned about her well-being. He told her he was setting up trust funds, changing over his insurance policies, investing in her business, investing in other businesses to create a life for her greater than any she could ever imagine — or ask for or wanted. She only wanted him to live.
As his health failed, he would confess that he was part of an organized family. One of the ”˜upper echelon’. She didn’t understand. She didn’t believe those things really existed. He told her that was what made her so beautiful. Her innocence. Her belief in goodness.
“You do not believe in evil,” he said, stroking her hair where he held her head against his chest. “You have not seen what I have seen.”
What did the past matter, she wondered. He was dying. Now was all they had to share.
As a parting gift, he wanted to give her the story of his life — “It will be such a story,” he said. “Your fame as a writer will be assured.” It will be called, ”˜A New Don Rising’ for he was changing the old guard, he was ridding the ”˜family’ of its unethical, illegal businesses. He was honourable, righteous. He did not want to be remembered for the destruction he had created, but for the lives he had saved through his ”˜good works’. She was his inspiration, his reason for hanging on to see that what he started was completed, and that she never need for anything again. That she and her daughters were safe from harm.
He had secret friends, and many, many enemies. He will toy with her by telling her that his enemies were willing to harm her and her children to get at him. He told her evil men had sent him three bullets. Pictures of a young girl being violated — she looks like your eldest daughter, he said. These evil men were threatening to kidnap her daughter, drug her and put her in the sex trade unless she remained silent. He promised he would never let harm come to her and them, but she must do what he says and be silent. Only silence will keep her children safe. She will never see these evil men, but he will tearfully tell her of the threats he has received against her and her children.
He will triangulate his relationship with her and with other people. He will tell her who is ”˜plotting’ against her. He will tell her who is working with the police to build their case against him and using her and her love for her children as the wedge to destroy him. He will tell her that she is being investigated by child services, that he has men following her to keep her safe and the police have people following her to spy on him and the bad men have people following her to get at him. Wherever she goes there are people following her, taking pictures, watching. And she knows they are there, because sometimes she sees them. Sometimes she is shown pictures. Sometimes, he comments on what she was wearing that day, even when he has told her he wasn’t there. She never knows when someone will be watching. Or not. She never knows.
He will appear emotionally hurt at what he tells her others are doing to turn her against him — and though she will never see or know what others are doing, he will ensure she believes him and is too frightened of her daughters’ safety to risk confronting him or these ”˜others’ about him.
He will tell her about his past lovers and relationships — before his marriage. He will tell her how cold and sterile his marriage was. He will tell her that he has never paid for sex, never used pornography, never been with a woman other than his wife while married — but theirs was an arranged marriage between families — she was an exceptional wife and mother but they had never truly, madly, deeply known love together. And now, with her, he does know true love, and he’ll leave out the mad part but she will feel it. And he will ask her about her experiences — and keep the intimate details stored until a later date when he will use the information to terrorize her.
He will always give her compliments. He has known her through many lifetimes — but this is the first time he has to show her his love. She will come to wish it were the last. She will come to believe that his love will kill her. And she will remain silent.
He will act overly concerned, soft and caring when she speaks to him of her terror of these unseen evil men and her fears for her daughters’ safety. He will tell her not to cry. He will tell her it’s okay to cry. He will take her tears and use them as his weapon, to show her how weak, stupid and ugly she is. How pathetic.
And she will believe him. She is pathetic for not being able to handle the terror. She will try to take her own life and he will laugh at her pitiful attempt to end it.
“You can never leave me,” he will tell her. “I will never let you go.”
And she will grow silent and only say those things that keep him calm, that cause him to applaud her, to appreciate her, to admire her.
Eventually, he will tell her that she reminds him of his mother. He will tell her how sad it makes him that his mother will never know her — for she is the woman she would have loved as her daughter-in-law.
He will create a ”˜husband’ for her. One of the top family men whom no one will mess with — and to ensure no one messes with her. He will show her the wedding invitations, the marriage certificate. He will promise her that he will have the ”˜marriage’ evaporate as soon as he has corrected all the wrongs so that then he can marry her himself — as soon as he has wrought vengeance on those who have tried to harm him. She will never wear the dress. Never walk the aisle. But he will convince her that isn’t necessary. He is doing this all for her. She must trust him. Believe him. She doesn’t. But she never tells him. And she never tells herself of her fears.
He will always take away the evidence and leave her with nothing to show for his promises, his threats, his lies. He will tell her he has signed papers in her name. “It is for your own good,” he will say. And she will remain silent. Sometimes, she’ll wonder where the papers are. But she doesn’t dare look for them. He will be angry if she does. And so, she stays silent and holds onto the darkness he tells her will keep her safe.
He will tell her of the many assassination attempts against him. He will carry a gun and show it to her ”˜accidentally’. She will panic and he will laugh at her and tell her to face the truth, “life is tough and if she wants to keep her children safe, she’d better learn to accept he has a gun.” He will call her in a panic, telling her of the latest assassination attempt, telling her his cousin is dead, but he escaped with only minor wounds. He will call her from the funeral, tears in his voice. Begging her to help him understand why it has to be like this. Why can’t they just leave him alone to love her as she deserves to be loved.
He will keep her on the rollercoaster of his lies and she will keep her eyes tightly shut, missing the exits flying by.
He will make sure she fears for her life, and her daughters’ safety. She will despair that she has brought such terror into their existence, and he will tell her it is his fault, but he will fix it. And then, he’ll blame her for the mess and remind her that only he can fix it.
He will arrange for ”˜things’ to happen to convince her that the evil men are watching, plotting, attempting to kill her or harm her daughters. There will be dead birds on her doorstep, bombs beneath her car. Kidnappers lurking, items missing from her home.
As her terror rises and she become less and less able to function, he will promise to protect her, to take care of her. He will remind her it is all her fault that she is like this and that the beautiful life he was building for her was destroyed. When a police investigator comes to see her about him and she spends five minutes talking to the investigator, he will yell and scream at her that she is stupid, stupid, stupid. When the ”˜other woman’ accosts her in her office, he will scream and yell at her that she should not have gone into the office that day. And he will never explain why there is an investigation, or why the other woman exists. And she will be too frightened to ask.
He will make her change cell phones many times — to foil the evil men from listening to her calls. From tracking where he is and knowing where she is going. But he will always know and make sure she knows he sees her, even when he isn’t there.
He will ensure she knows he is taping her calls by repeating conversations she’s had with others. He will call her from far away places in the middle of the night and accuse her of having another man in her bed. He will accuse her of having at least two affairs. He will accuse her of vile things. He will use every ounce of knowledge he has about her against her. He will use her.
He will ensure she knows he is capable of murder. He will ensure she knows there is no getting away from him. He will ensure she witnesses his ability to harm others, to obtain vengeance. He will build the case to ensure she tries to kill herself and when she fails, he will hold her pinioned in his arms until she becomes the walking dead, alive only through his munificence.
And when he is not there, when he is away, she will sleep with one eye open for he is always lurking, somewhere in the corners of her mind.
I no longer sleep with one eye open. He is not lurking anywhere in the corners of my mind. I have filled my thinking with all that loves and supports me. I have no room for him in my mind today. He is not important. He has no value.He does not count in my life today.
Star,
I saw him and I sat in the door frame of his car to make him talk to me. He was really nervous and wanted to leave. My ring slipped off.
He can’t hurt me emotionally anymore because I know what he is.
My point is to keep him off balance by showing him that he doesn’t know what I am.
When I’m sad, Star, its for the same reasons as you, it’s not about him so much as it is about the parental abuse and the loss of my core because of it.
I’m lost at sea with no direction.
Aloha…
I KNOW that I don’t have answers for you. What I want you to KNOW is that a period of feeling hopeless is probably normal. I too feel HOPEless. And, I’ve been DIAGNOSED as hopelessly optomistic. In the big picture…there is always meaning for me. But…I know my optomism is a way of avoiding the devistating hurt. So now, I’m in a period of sceptical synisism. A kind of “Yeah? Whateverism.”
Mostly, Aloha…
I wanted you to know, you are not alone in feeling the way that you do.
Skylar, dont dance with the devil, he always wins.
If you lay down with dogs, expect to come up with fleas.
If you play with fire, you will [not may} get burnt.
Love, gem.XX
SKYLAR NC NC NC!!! Its the only way! DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM! You are on a hiding to no-where . he will only set you back, and contribute NOTHING to your healing process. What are you trying to prove? these creatures are like aliens, you will NEVER understand him!
No wonder you feel lost at sea with no direction.He will never ever give you validation or direction.
Unless you are a sado masichist, I dont get what your trying to prove. There is no closure with these freaks,you will never win!NC NC NC!!! Love, and Hugs, Gem.XXX
this is beat up skylar nite – took me awhile to get to that place – no contact mean’s for fuckin ever – its called End the Dance – they have no limits and will dance you into your grave. I will never forget the look on his face when i slammed the door on his face – twice – he looked defeated – he looked confused – he could not believe i had had enuff – seeing him drive away was the hardest thing i ever did – i had no choice – had I let him back in I would not be here now – i went no contact and cried for a fuckin year – I am proud of me – that is like the only way to make them flinch – sting their twisted egos – words dont work – words feed them – when they cant dance that dance with us it deflates them and makes them know that one more time they have been seen as what they are and what they, no contact is our Weapon – understand that to engage them in anyway is self defeating. A true sociopath will love you into your grave or into the nut house..
Skylar, We are NOT beating you up, we are trying to help you. NC IS the only way forward. They have no shame, no consciense, no pity, no empathy,no kindness, no guilt,they are not human as we understand human to be. Think of poor Lily, 42 years with a sociopath who verbally emotionally and physically beat her up, now all her adult kids, plus her sisters and one brother are all Ps. Do they care that shes just had major surgery, and is still very weak? They dont care.
You say hes not hurting you emotionally any more but your hurting yourself emotionally by continuing to engage with him. Ps dont care if you give them love or hate its all energy for them to feed off. You need that precious energy to get well. They are vampires, they steal our souls. Love, and {{HUGS}}} Gem.XXX
There was a point in my healing process — well, actually a bunch of points — when I started to name my ex, face him down with evidence of his various failures, set up fairly elaborate legal mechanisms to protect myself, warn him of the results of certain behaviors, and prepare to execute some really damaging retributions to him (and probably me too), if I found it necessary. It was the same period that I was imagining delightful revenge scenarios, and ways to make public what a shallow and self-serving piece of s**t he is.
Most of this occured in my head, or in letters to him (mostly unsent), or here on LoveFraud. Though I did take a few steps to make sure that if anything happened to me, my “insurance policy” would send the police immediately to his door with evidence about his motive. And I let him know about it.
In other words, I was not exactly the poster child for going NC — either in my mind or in reality. My entire process of healing, until close to the end, went on in a written dialogue with him. A small fraction of those letters were sent, but some of them were. The conversation trickled off — in my mind as well as reality — later in the recovery when I got more involved in creatively changing myself, rather than being so involved with him or other abusers in my past.
I’m not suggesting that anyone else follow this aspect of my healing model. I frankly think I would have recovered my life faster, if I could have focused earlier on what I might change in myself, rather than him. But the truth is, that wasn’t possible. My family of origin had left me with such a warped sense of the world and myself that I really needed to “use” him as tool for understanding my vulnerabilities, my denial, and the way I effectively volunteered for abuse in my life.
And part of my process of getting better, growing up into personal power and learning to defend myself, was a period of proving to myself that, if necessary, I could be as big a sociopath as he was.
I’ve written here before about how I needed to “turn on the lights” in parts of my brain that were essentially dark as a result of my upbringing. I spent my whole life living defensively and reactively (though I would have denied it, because I thought I was assertive and even aggressive). I was terrified about whether people liked me, whether I had the skills to take care of myself and survive, whether I was a “good” person.
In stepping up to being a sociopath for my own benefit, to compete and fight with cold-hearted commitment to myself and no empathy at all, and being willing to be harmed or even die if necessary to keep from being a victim again, I was releasing something in myself that was natural and real. It had been beaten down and locked away in my personality by the violence of my upbringing. And when it finally emerged, it was raw and childish. It was one of those aspects of my personality that needed to grow up, and I regard all this posturing and playing at being a bigger sociopath than him as the adolescent stages of experiencing this power.
Later, this aspect smoothed out and matured, became integrated with the rest of my personality. Now I’m better at moving easily between self-interested thinking and empathetic thinking, even in the course of seconds, as situations require.
But I was fortunate that while I was doing all this experimentation with being tougher, colder, smarter and stronger than him, he was far away. Had he been closer, he would have undoubtedly figured out a way to traumatize me again (or worse), because it would have been in his best interest to do that. And the real truth of this stage in my healing was that I was only learning how to defend myself, not harm him. But he would have interpreted it as harm, and he would have had no qualms about doing whatever it took to neutralize me.
The thing about playing with sociopaths is that we always lose. Because that’s the only game they play — win or lose. We may be able to control our losses. But I think even ErinB with all her legal triumphs would agree that it costs time, money, and most of all, a lot of mental and emotional energy to deal with them. And that the ultimate good comes from getting them entirely out of our lives, and developing the mental and emotional capacity to recognize them and avoid them in the future. And if we get fooled for a while, to act swiftly and ruthlessly to extricate ourselves and not look back.
There is a tremendous amount of information on LoveFraud on how to do that. One of my favorite techniques that has been mentioned recently is the “gray rock” strategy. And possibly there is also some benefit is being more aggressive — in the dolphin’s tit-for-tat strategy — under certain circumstances. Just to let them know we’re not food.
But the ultimate goal is always no involvement. We want them out of our lives and out of our heads. In this we become like the sociopaths — no sympathy, no remorse, making them unimportant, because they are not what we want our lives to be about.
So this post is for you, Skylar. And for others of us who keep thinking that maintaining voluntary contact with them can come to some good end. Some of us have no choice because of child custody situations, but if we have a choice, banishing them is a crucial part of our getting well. Not just to stop the ongoing damage, but to learn one of the most important lessons of these relationships.
We have a choice. In a larger sense of imagining what we want our lives to be about, and moment by moment. We have a choice of what we allow into our lives. What we think about. How we let people affect us. We are entitled to take care of ourselves, and create the lives we want.
And maybe for some of us, like me, that involves a period a getting in the sociopath’s faces. So we can prove to ourselves that we can do it. But ultimately we need to move on to working on ourselves, learning why we fooled around with these dangerous users in the first place, and healing those old traumas. Understanding the causes of our own dysfunction is where the real recovery occurs, and where we really learn to love and care for ourselves. It’s where things start getting good for us, where self-protecting just becomes a skill we can call on when necessary. But not nearly as important as the ability to envision, plan and follow through on creating a life we love.
Kathy
Dear Skylar,
I said I wasn’t going to discuss this again, but I will one more time.
Sugar, you having contact with him so you can “keep him off balance” (or any other reason) is like someone going to AA and telling everyone at AA that they are having a drink every night so they can prove that they can “control” themselves.
That “excuse” for having the drink is about as valid as yours. Hun, we are not “beating up on” you, we are trying to “pound some reality into your head”—
Ps are an ADDICTION, and by refusing to stop contact with him, you are feeding YOUR ADDICTION. I’m not sure what you are trying to prove, but the point is that everytime you have contact with him YOU GET A “HIGH” out of it, more drama. You get to interact with this creature you KNOW is a fake and you get the DRAMA.
Until You recognize that YOU have a proble (and yes, HE IS THE PROBLEM) and stop contact, it will be impossible to hea.
At first you will MISS all that drama and adrenaline high, and that is essentially what it is. The addiction to the drama and you get a “high” just like you had taken a “hit” off of your preferred substance of abuse.
The thing is, this kind of high is cheap (you don’t have to pay cash for it) and no one is going to arrest you for it! How ever, the REAL PRICE is that you PAY WITH YOUR LIFE. Your happiness, your peace, your independence, and your sanity.
Every one of us here has has the same problem, finally deciding to go NC. Except for those few souls who would LOVE to go totally NC but have children they must share with the P. I thought there was NO way I could go NC with my son, or with my egg donor, and when I kicked my P now-x BF to the curb I felt like I was ripping my heart out. Each time NC is broken, it sets you back, believe that or not. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you, Sky, I can tell you are a smart woman, and a strong one, you are just using your smarts and strength to keep yourself in the hole of pain.
I had to cut them loose (including my egg donor) and dig down to that childhood pain. It is scary but in the end, it sets you free to be YOU!
skylar,
It occured to me that when you left your Xp you went to stay at your parents house. You left the arms of your XP and went right into the arms of your P family of origin.
For most of us when we are healing from a toxic realtionship, it generally leads back to childhood issues. As the healing process progresses usually we want to understand why we ended up in a toxic relationship. When faced with our chilhood pain this can be a much more complex healing journey than the one we began with.
Skylar it is understandable that you are in a very bad situation. And you went from the “fog” of living with the X P right into the hands of the crazymaking with your P family…..I would think that this has opened up many, many old wounds. You were thrown right into the mix all over again. The old “dance” of family dynamics.
Childhood pain once we come face to face with it isn’t something you can detour and go under, over or around it. Once it surfaces you have to FEEL it all over again and go head to head with it. Avoiding it doesn’t make it go away.
It is very difficult to heal from any of this while still living in the midst of it all. But playing with fire isn’t the answer.
You are a VERY well read person. You are a very intelligent woman. You are a strong woman. But it seems like you are looking for answers in all the wrong places. If your X is a sociopath then it is what it is. All the optomism in the world isn’t going to change that. YOU are not going to change that.
I agree with stargazer.
You said:
He can’t hurt me emotionally anymore because I know what he is.
My point is to keep him off balance by showing him that he doesn’t know what I am.
Do you think he cares what you are? Or that your personality has changed? Or that your keeping him off balance by telling him he is a sociopath and he is predictable?
That is delusional thinking. Everyone has to find their own path and muddle through this.
It is only because we care about you that we are saying our thoughts.
Skylar…
Comere.
Sit with me for a little bit.
Honey, I have a few things I want to share with you.
First, I love your energy. I also love your CREATIVE mind. And, lately… I get the survival skill you’ve implemented. I even understand the logic behind it.
Been there, done that!!!!
What you cannot see, yet, is that he’s playing you with equal, and more likely, greater hightened awareness. He is calculating, subversive, intentionally avoident, and out of characteristically normal behavior for himself. You believe his uncaracteristic behavior is a sign that you’ve been able to dupe him. THIS is exactly what HE wants YOU to believe. WHATCH OUT!!!
Radical changes DON’T happen with these types…he has outsmarted you in your little psychological game, and is giving you what you desire, while he digs deeper into your psyche.
Ok.. ok, I know. You have a handle on this. And, from the outward appearences, I’m sure you think you do. And, for a limited time, he will let you think you do, as well.
Here’s where hard truth comes into play. WE can never throw them off their game. THEY adapt, rather quickly, brilliantly, to our attempt at the appearence of “shape shifting.” What you are witnessing as shock and awe, is mearly another smoke screen. He’s plotting, planning, constructing the most deviant plan. He HAS to. Do you know why? Because you broadcasted and exposed his hand. So now, he will go covert, stealth, ambient, and ever more distructive.
My ex used to say, “…I can wait as long as it takes for you to have enough rope to hang yourself. And, nobody will ever suspect me.”
And, he was right. The only flaw in his plan is that I keep everything. I copy everything that I sign and submit to the schools. I keep an absolute accurate accounting of my own expenses, and expenses related to the kids. Though sometimes tempted, I do not allow myself to act in any way that might appear deceiptful (though I don’t announce everything, the way I once did.) His undoing will be in the documenation, and paper trail that he’s left behind. His arrogant belief that the law does not apply to him, and therefore ignored court stipulations and minute orders (which I have said NOTHING to him about. I’ll show the judge, and let the N/S/P be caught without answers. I’ve conducted myself to the letter of the law, making sure I have witnesses, as well as sending certain necessary coorespondence cc’ed to his parents, as well as his lawyer, as he insists he “never received” necessary notifications re: the kids. The NC forced him into his fantasy world. He was convincing enough in his argument that his lawyer, and the kids lawyer both sent scathing letters to my attorney requesting my admonishment. To my attrorney’s delight, he was able to respond to both attorney’s, “….you have evidence in your posession to the contrary of the allegations against my client. In fact, I submit to you that YOUR client had already been in contact with each school, and had signed required emergency contact forms, prior to his claim that he’s been kept in the dark about the where his children are attending school. I am submitting for your review, copies of said emergency cards. Please note that his information on the emergency cards was filled out by my client. If she had instructed the school that he is NOT allowed to access to his children, as he claims, why would she fill out his contact information on the cards? Gentelmen, it appears you’ve been duped.”
When I stopped playing “his” game, and went absolutely NC,
things did escalate. His trickery (which in the Bible means witchcraft) became MORE obvious because he increased his efforts to force me into contact with him. Hang on, buckle your seat belt, and weld the communication/contact portal to you, shut!
On this note: I do agree that letting the circle of ppl around you know what he is capable of is critical; though it isn’t a guaruntee that you will be protected. If something did happen to you, the authorities will know where to look.
They are better at the game, then we are. They have no conscience, and therefore have no limits. There is NOTHING in their psyche that will whisper…”That’s going too far.”
When I played at his game, feeding him Narcissistic Supply, believing I was keeping him off balance, worked in HIS favor; NC works in mine. Be wise.