I am often asked how I managed to get out of that place of darkness to live with such light and joy in my heart today. The answer is fairly simple — I chose to. The reality is much more complex. The following piece describes where I got to in that journey. It is an excerpt from my book, The Dandelion Spirit. I originally wrote it on a forum I belonged to about a year after he was arrested. It was my ‘explanation’ of what happened to me in that relationship.
There is a warning with this post — it may trigger you. If it does, breathe — and know, when a trigger explodes in your mind, it is your opportunity to embrace it, walk into it, accept it and heal it. Only you can make that choice. Triggers exist in our mind. The past is no longer. It is gone. The memories are what are hurting us. And when we pull the trigger and let the bullet of memory pierce us, we give ourselves the grace of being free. Nameste
He told her it was ”˜love at first sight’. Destiny. Fate. He asked her to marry him on the first date — has anyone ever loved you so completely? Has anyone ever swept you off your feet with such passion? Such fervour? She told him she was not ready. He pursued.
He wanted sex within the first week or two of meeting and showered her with gifts, flowers, champagne, to prove he truly, madly deeply loved her and only her. When she told him it was too soon for physical intimacy, that she needed to ”˜go slowly’ he respected her wishes. But, then he arranged a ”˜special’ weekend away at an exotic location to surprise her. How could she refuse him?
And on that first time together, he became short of breath, his skin started to flake from lack of oxygen. He had a heart-attack. The ambulance came. She was whisked away, and though his business partners kept her informed of his health, she never knew where he was, or what was truly happening. When next she saw him, he sadly told her of his rare heart condition. Being ”˜a man’s man’ he could not fathom living with someone else’s heart beating in his body. He must undergo experimental surgery, but only once his heart has deteriorated to a point that it was feasible — 1 month, 2 months at the outside 3.
He gave her a new cell phone so that she did not need to worry about the expense. He constantly reminded her that though she was successful in her own right, all that she had accomplished to create her beautiful life was nothing compared to what he would make possible. He told her that no one would ever want for her what he could give her, for what he was going to give her were her dreams come true. The dreams she had whispered to him while lying safely in his arms, the world far away and silent. He held her and told her of his love. He laughed and teased her, told her with fervent kisses of his dreams for ”˜them’, for their happily ever after.
And she slid into his arms.
Everything circled around his desires and wants—he was dying, he was weak. He could not be ”˜excited’. But even in his ‘ill health’, he was only concerned about her well-being. He told her he was setting up trust funds, changing over his insurance policies, investing in her business, investing in other businesses to create a life for her greater than any she could ever imagine — or ask for or wanted. She only wanted him to live.
As his health failed, he would confess that he was part of an organized family. One of the ”˜upper echelon’. She didn’t understand. She didn’t believe those things really existed. He told her that was what made her so beautiful. Her innocence. Her belief in goodness.
“You do not believe in evil,” he said, stroking her hair where he held her head against his chest. “You have not seen what I have seen.”
What did the past matter, she wondered. He was dying. Now was all they had to share.
As a parting gift, he wanted to give her the story of his life — “It will be such a story,” he said. “Your fame as a writer will be assured.” It will be called, ”˜A New Don Rising’ for he was changing the old guard, he was ridding the ”˜family’ of its unethical, illegal businesses. He was honourable, righteous. He did not want to be remembered for the destruction he had created, but for the lives he had saved through his ”˜good works’. She was his inspiration, his reason for hanging on to see that what he started was completed, and that she never need for anything again. That she and her daughters were safe from harm.
He had secret friends, and many, many enemies. He will toy with her by telling her that his enemies were willing to harm her and her children to get at him. He told her evil men had sent him three bullets. Pictures of a young girl being violated — she looks like your eldest daughter, he said. These evil men were threatening to kidnap her daughter, drug her and put her in the sex trade unless she remained silent. He promised he would never let harm come to her and them, but she must do what he says and be silent. Only silence will keep her children safe. She will never see these evil men, but he will tearfully tell her of the threats he has received against her and her children.
He will triangulate his relationship with her and with other people. He will tell her who is ”˜plotting’ against her. He will tell her who is working with the police to build their case against him and using her and her love for her children as the wedge to destroy him. He will tell her that she is being investigated by child services, that he has men following her to keep her safe and the police have people following her to spy on him and the bad men have people following her to get at him. Wherever she goes there are people following her, taking pictures, watching. And she knows they are there, because sometimes she sees them. Sometimes she is shown pictures. Sometimes, he comments on what she was wearing that day, even when he has told her he wasn’t there. She never knows when someone will be watching. Or not. She never knows.
He will appear emotionally hurt at what he tells her others are doing to turn her against him — and though she will never see or know what others are doing, he will ensure she believes him and is too frightened of her daughters’ safety to risk confronting him or these ”˜others’ about him.
He will tell her about his past lovers and relationships — before his marriage. He will tell her how cold and sterile his marriage was. He will tell her that he has never paid for sex, never used pornography, never been with a woman other than his wife while married — but theirs was an arranged marriage between families — she was an exceptional wife and mother but they had never truly, madly, deeply known love together. And now, with her, he does know true love, and he’ll leave out the mad part but she will feel it. And he will ask her about her experiences — and keep the intimate details stored until a later date when he will use the information to terrorize her.
He will always give her compliments. He has known her through many lifetimes — but this is the first time he has to show her his love. She will come to wish it were the last. She will come to believe that his love will kill her. And she will remain silent.
He will act overly concerned, soft and caring when she speaks to him of her terror of these unseen evil men and her fears for her daughters’ safety. He will tell her not to cry. He will tell her it’s okay to cry. He will take her tears and use them as his weapon, to show her how weak, stupid and ugly she is. How pathetic.
And she will believe him. She is pathetic for not being able to handle the terror. She will try to take her own life and he will laugh at her pitiful attempt to end it.
“You can never leave me,” he will tell her. “I will never let you go.”
And she will grow silent and only say those things that keep him calm, that cause him to applaud her, to appreciate her, to admire her.
Eventually, he will tell her that she reminds him of his mother. He will tell her how sad it makes him that his mother will never know her — for she is the woman she would have loved as her daughter-in-law.
He will create a ”˜husband’ for her. One of the top family men whom no one will mess with — and to ensure no one messes with her. He will show her the wedding invitations, the marriage certificate. He will promise her that he will have the ”˜marriage’ evaporate as soon as he has corrected all the wrongs so that then he can marry her himself — as soon as he has wrought vengeance on those who have tried to harm him. She will never wear the dress. Never walk the aisle. But he will convince her that isn’t necessary. He is doing this all for her. She must trust him. Believe him. She doesn’t. But she never tells him. And she never tells herself of her fears.
He will always take away the evidence and leave her with nothing to show for his promises, his threats, his lies. He will tell her he has signed papers in her name. “It is for your own good,” he will say. And she will remain silent. Sometimes, she’ll wonder where the papers are. But she doesn’t dare look for them. He will be angry if she does. And so, she stays silent and holds onto the darkness he tells her will keep her safe.
He will tell her of the many assassination attempts against him. He will carry a gun and show it to her ”˜accidentally’. She will panic and he will laugh at her and tell her to face the truth, “life is tough and if she wants to keep her children safe, she’d better learn to accept he has a gun.” He will call her in a panic, telling her of the latest assassination attempt, telling her his cousin is dead, but he escaped with only minor wounds. He will call her from the funeral, tears in his voice. Begging her to help him understand why it has to be like this. Why can’t they just leave him alone to love her as she deserves to be loved.
He will keep her on the rollercoaster of his lies and she will keep her eyes tightly shut, missing the exits flying by.
He will make sure she fears for her life, and her daughters’ safety. She will despair that she has brought such terror into their existence, and he will tell her it is his fault, but he will fix it. And then, he’ll blame her for the mess and remind her that only he can fix it.
He will arrange for ”˜things’ to happen to convince her that the evil men are watching, plotting, attempting to kill her or harm her daughters. There will be dead birds on her doorstep, bombs beneath her car. Kidnappers lurking, items missing from her home.
As her terror rises and she become less and less able to function, he will promise to protect her, to take care of her. He will remind her it is all her fault that she is like this and that the beautiful life he was building for her was destroyed. When a police investigator comes to see her about him and she spends five minutes talking to the investigator, he will yell and scream at her that she is stupid, stupid, stupid. When the ”˜other woman’ accosts her in her office, he will scream and yell at her that she should not have gone into the office that day. And he will never explain why there is an investigation, or why the other woman exists. And she will be too frightened to ask.
He will make her change cell phones many times — to foil the evil men from listening to her calls. From tracking where he is and knowing where she is going. But he will always know and make sure she knows he sees her, even when he isn’t there.
He will ensure she knows he is taping her calls by repeating conversations she’s had with others. He will call her from far away places in the middle of the night and accuse her of having another man in her bed. He will accuse her of having at least two affairs. He will accuse her of vile things. He will use every ounce of knowledge he has about her against her. He will use her.
He will ensure she knows he is capable of murder. He will ensure she knows there is no getting away from him. He will ensure she witnesses his ability to harm others, to obtain vengeance. He will build the case to ensure she tries to kill herself and when she fails, he will hold her pinioned in his arms until she becomes the walking dead, alive only through his munificence.
And when he is not there, when he is away, she will sleep with one eye open for he is always lurking, somewhere in the corners of her mind.
I no longer sleep with one eye open. He is not lurking anywhere in the corners of my mind. I have filled my thinking with all that loves and supports me. I have no room for him in my mind today. He is not important. He has no value.He does not count in my life today.
EB thanks for the pat on the back.. I was in Lowe’s getting a part for a door handle.. and one of the things that he was good at is fixing things like this.
So I had a momentary thought of .. oh I wish that I could just have him fix this.. but I got he part and I will fix it..
I again.. think it’s the way that they condition you.. to lean on them. He wanted my trust and a side of him wants to be this hero, and adored.. he gets this charge out of helping…. we all do.. but with him.. he brags about it and that is one of the places that builds his ego.. he helps.. so having that around was a plus in ways.. but he also helped when I didn’t need help.
I am going to workout now.. on a machine that he put together for me.. so he did things for me and when I recall these things.. that makes me feel a kindness for him.. but that is why he did all that.. he did enough for me to be satisfied. A friend told me that.. that he did had to be of some use to you or it wouldn’t have worked for him to be in your life. From the beginning, he was Mr. Helpful.. now, men do that when they are wanting to please a woman but he was Mr do this and that.. so I miss that at times.. I think that we are working through all this and this site really helps.
Don’t know if I’m in the right place. Trying to talk to someone. I’m reasonably intelligent. Finally discoverred name for my husband. Sociopath. No doubts at all. 27 years of evidence kicking me in the face. Chose the name ” cdiction” because I’m one big contradiction. I’m scared and confused. Scared of the future. I fled 19 years ago only to wind up back in the marriage. Many reasons. But mostly because I didn’t get the resources I needed to go on with my life.
I am disabled from a spinal injury. I fall between the cracks of the system. I don’t qualify for much because of my ” husband’s” income. There is a 5 year waiting list for housing. I was able to get into a shelter for 3 weeks. But when my time was up, I had to pack my bag and leave. No other shelters with vacancies. Spent most of the time ( after that ) living in my car.
I have no resources. No where to go. My family gave a helping hand back then, but because I returned to the marriage, they turned their back on me with no qualms. They refuse to speak to me even after 19 years. Apparently, they’re afraid something will ” rub off” on them. My children cannot take me in. They’re all recently unemployed themselves. I’ve asked. I’d be a burden and I know that. I used to have family and friends, but all that is gone, now. So I have no where to turn. I know from past experience that the only way to get into a shelter even for a few nights is to go to court and get a restraining order on him, citing physical abuse. Because he hasn’t physically done that ( recently) , I can’t make it up just to find a couple of night’s sleep.
Because of all the red tape that prevents me from getting out and getting a safe place of my own, I find myself rationalizing my reasons for staying. I’m a mess.
I think of the warmth of a home and food in my belly and somehow, being a bag lady in winter is just too unacceptable for me. As emotionally impoverished as I am, I still don’t think I deserve that.
In a perfect world, I would have an apartment or something and the joy of waking up knowing that I may not be loved, but I’m not being fooled, waiting for the time bomb that will explode at any moment. Waiting for the inevitable time when I am no more useful to him and will be replaced. It’s really critical now, because he’s going thru male menopause and the behavior is amplified.
There are times when I feel responsible for his future. If I leave, there will be another victim and how can I protect innocent people ? There are things about him that I suspect could be harmful to some. He is stereotypically manipulative. He’s that morally straight pillar of the community. EEEEverybody loves him.
I’ve exhausted all avenues and agencies looking for help. Giving up means staying. It means I’m just as sick in the head as him because I know the truth but I still reside here. That’s why no one knows ,because I’d endure ridicule from others. Yet, no one cares that I have no where to go. If I leave, I literally mean getting in my car and driving around aimlessly with no destination. I hate myself for the mess I’m in. Yet, others would say, ” Be strong. the right thing to do is leave .” But they ( for sure ) have a place to go.
I can honestly say that I am beginning to despise myself. I entertain these thoughts , ” Well, so what if he’s a sociopath ? Is that really so bad ? You seem to tolerate it as you always have. Is love really that important to have ? Wanna be homeless again ? Want the world to (once again ) see you as this pathetic loser ? ”
I suppose I feel defeated because the world has one answer and the one sentence and no understanding that abiding by that standard means I am homeless. And if I don’t do what’s right, I’m a pathetic loser for making the negative choice and keeping a roof over my head.
I’m so scared that I will permanently convince myself that everything’s okay and that I just shouldn’t think about it anymore. I’m afraid I’ll find it easier to give up and never escape my boundaries.
I can’t even get counselling because I have insurance and a $30-00 co-pay and he would never authorize that. I’ve tried. When you try to lie to a sociopath ( so as not to alarm him ) that you want counselling for some other reason, he says I don’t need it because I should come to terms and move on.
People look down on me for being helpless. People don’t respect you unless you act like G.I. Jane. I wasn’t always this way. Matter of fact I had many friends and was considerred a very strong woman. I don’t even recognize me anymore. Probably becoming disabled was the best thing for his ego that could ever happen in this marriage. He reigns.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m wrong about him. I will give one example of his behavior.
Momma was born on Christmas day and died Christmas Eve. She struggled with cancer and we watched daily as she faded. I had seen her Christmas Eve morning and went home. I got the call and returned 2 hours later. 3 hours later, my husband and I returned home where his family had arrived and been waiting for our return. My best ( and only ) friend drove 100 miles to be with me that night and while sitting at the table crying, he comes upstairs and says, ” I’ll remind you that we have guests and they would like something to drink and maybe you should think about coming downstairs so they don’t think you’re being rude. ”
Yep, that really happened and the words are etched in stone in my brain. Momma was dead only 3 hours. He is what I say he is. A sociopath. I’ve read everything I could get my hands on and after much denial, I accepted the truth. I want to be happy, but the avenues are blocked. I’m so disfunctional now, I wonder if I will ever escape the embrace of mental illness. If you comment, please do so without the brow-beating and assault upon my life. I already need help, not a shovel to dig my emotional grave.
I thank you for your time and hope someone reads this and has any advise for me.
Dear Cdiction,
I read your story, and I am sorry that you have become mired in this “quicksand” and I am also sorry that you feel so helpless to change things for the better.
I am glad that you are here at LoveFraud though. As for advice on how to proceed, all I can say is one day at a time. Knowledge is power and gaining back the power he has over you is I think your first task. As long as we feel defeated, I don’t think we will “succeed”—we must take back our own power, and you can do it.
As strange as it sounds I will recommend a book to you, by Dr. Viktor Frankl, a man who was in the Nazi prison camps in WWII and lost everything but his life—-“Man’s Search for Meaning”—that book kgave me more strength than any other, but it, along with learning about the Ps and also learning about myself gave me the strength to take my life back.
No one is going to brow beat you here on LF or assault you. I think most of us have felt helpless in the face of dealing with the sociopaths, but taking back our strength, our power, and our self confidence to some extent is going to be necessary to extricate yourself from this man.
I don’t know what the financial situation is in your marriage, I would assume that he controls the money, but maybe you can make a plan to put a few dollars back that he would not be aware of, or sell something like some jewelry that you own. Gathering up necessary things without his knowledge and making an “escape” plan is a good idea as a start I would think. There is a link here on “leaving the sociopath” on LF.
Read and learn and turn that knowledge into your own power. god bless.
Thank you for your support.I’m encouraged by LF and will continue my quest.There can be much power in knowing people have been there and they truly care. God bless you, too.
I just wanted you to know that I have bought the book on Ebay and await it’s arrival. Seems as though a spark is left in me and I’m taking it moment by moment. So much thanks to you, OxDover for the encouragement.
Dear cdiction,
I think the thing that made the most difference in my outlook in Frankl’s book is how terribly he suffered, yet kept his spirits, and in looking back at that terrible time, he saw how others survived or didn’t survive, how some people it made bitter forever, and others, healed and went on to satisfying lives.
One part though, that really touched me was he was talking about the different levels of pain. Some people lost EVERYTHING and some lost just a bit–but I felt guilty for being so devestated by my “small” loses compared to his huge ones, but he said, that “pain (from losses) acts like a gas, it completely fills the container it is in. If it is a little gas in a big bottle, it expands to completely fill that bottle, or if it is a lot of gas in a small bottle, it expands and contracts until the bottle is completely 100% filled.” Our pain is TOTAL, just like the gas large or small filled the bottle TOTALLY our pain for our losses TOTALLY fills us. So it doesn’t matte rif you have lost ONE unit, or a thousand units of whatever you lost, it is still TOTAL PAIN.
None of us should feel guilty about feeling totally in pain. Our losses FILL US completely. BUT if anyone can say “there is hope” it is Dr. Frankl, he proved it with the rest of his good life even after his torture! If he can do it, I CAN DO IT.
Keep on readin here too, Cdiction, there is so much good and healing and uplifting here on this site, go back through all the old archived articles and read every one. There will be information and knowledge and support there fo ryou to help you on your healing journey. Glad you are here! (((hugs))))
ditto
@.......everyone, especially EB…I am only up to the post, Sunday, 1 November 2009 @....... 11:32pm, in this string, but yawl have made me laugh aloud. thank. you. very. much.
love the …’cross my heart and hope a P dies.’ SNORT!
and henry has a name for the film: Spath! From now on i will call the evil one who conned me, the ‘spath’.
I had had such a wild ride with this ‘boy’ I had loved supported and talked to for 6 months. Was sure I had been turned (lesbo here), but alas, it was a woman after all – a con in the game for over 20 years, not the sweet fucking lovely/weird boy. sniff. well, at least I don’t have to turn my union card in.
and EB – don’t know where the posts go re your yard, but i want to say 2 things: 1) you are enjoying the drama a bit much – might wanna check your adrenaline levels. I say this with all seriousness (cause I now that the drama of life with my spath was HIGH drama and I am on a cycle of adrenaline that I NEED to detach from), AND with a ‘fuck, ya!’
I KNOW who my spath is, whcihch is highly unlikely for an internet spath. I know her real name, address and phone number. I am a good snoop. She has NO idea that I know.
She ‘died’ in her boy form, then called me a few weeks later. Then ensued big historonic sock puppettry on the webiste where I met him…waiting for me to reveal. But I have been going at it slooowly. I HAVE found her, I have found someone else she has conned and am now in the process of doing a background check on her (cautious now), before I jump right in and help her with the court case against the spath in any way possible.
Whilst doing all this I also maintain my fake (yes it makes me feel like a stalker and question my sanity, but it IS a strategy) on the website where we met. At first I used it to tell eveyone that death #3 didn’t really happen (damn bad karma this family) before I knew that the story was WAAAY weirder than I thought.
Now I wait and watch. And now that I know who she is (so, that person can no longer be ‘everywhere’, INCLUDING the space under my skin that ‘he’ and his nasty family still occupy) .
I have archived ALL of her blogs (under her real name. they give her away as the boy) that I can find, and I slowly release info from the other cons she has pulled on my profile, as if they were me.
She has not, as expected gone bullistic, but absolutley mute. Odd, thinking I would say that death #1 never happened made her verbose, but alluding to the looong con she has been in has made her quiet.
I am working at this slowly. I have others coming in to watch her also, so I don’t have to – cause i need to back away form this a bit, but i tell you, I seriously want to expose her in a VERY public way. I don’t desire to confront her. I don’t want to put myself at risk either physically or emotionally…cause i still have to remind myslef EVERYDAY that HE didn’t exist.
But i want her name and scams and her face to be very public, so that she is slowed down for five minutes. And if she is, then my work is not in vain.
all best to all.
Lostandfearful:
Glad you found some laughter…..we all need a release!
That was the night the S sent his cronie seeking access to my home…..
I surprised cronie…..because I told him I wouldn’t be home for the night….going out of town….so, I watched cronie from my security monitors, sit outside the house make a call…..and Low and behold…the phone rang and it was the S……he forgot call block….then cronie got a call….and drove off.
I’m still working on the yard….OH….I’ll find what he buried…..He has told too many people, given hints for years…..AND the cronie was in touch and will be up this weekend…….I have learned to be VERY patient, do my recon…..and i’m not going anywhere….and I have NO DOUBT something is there……
Yes, and I’ve been the adrenaline fatigue route, throid issues etc……that’s just one medical issue that came with 28 years with a S.
Welcome to LF….Do what you gotta do to heal and learn and live a good life!
You know, I have LOTS of laughs in me. My spath and I laughed almost non stop when she was in her weird/lovely/dying boy incarnation.
Spath was only absolultely horrid in her boyfriend of spath and sister of spath and not really friend of spath but hot after spath’s (now dead, as in death that didn’t happen #3) boyfriend (who I had no relationshio with, but who is the last sock puppet standing who talks).
I miss all that laughter. SO MUCH. And as said, i have to keep reminding myself that HE doesn’t exist – and neither do the rest of them who supported the story. I can’t even tell which of his ‘friends’ on the website are bonefide now. I was so concerned that he had defrauded a whole group of us…but maybe it was only a couple. BUT, FOR SURE SHE DEFRAUDED ME, and messed with my heart and head in hard on ways.
I found this little saying, ‘if you hadn’t existed, i would have made you up.’ givien what i am learning about spath’s mo, i did, to some extent, make him up. And then I fille din the blanks in my own mind (but not completley) with my own deep need for those things he presented.
I am still caught off guard. I can think of something ‘he’ did or said – even this whole treachery and marvel at the audacity and complexity of it, and smile. Oops. need to modify modify modify…HE NEVER EXISTED. sigh.