I am often asked how I managed to get out of that place of darkness to live with such light and joy in my heart today. The answer is fairly simple — I chose to. The reality is much more complex. The following piece describes where I got to in that journey. It is an excerpt from my book, The Dandelion Spirit. I originally wrote it on a forum I belonged to about a year after he was arrested. It was my ‘explanation’ of what happened to me in that relationship.
There is a warning with this post — it may trigger you. If it does, breathe — and know, when a trigger explodes in your mind, it is your opportunity to embrace it, walk into it, accept it and heal it. Only you can make that choice. Triggers exist in our mind. The past is no longer. It is gone. The memories are what are hurting us. And when we pull the trigger and let the bullet of memory pierce us, we give ourselves the grace of being free. Nameste
He told her it was ”˜love at first sight’. Destiny. Fate. He asked her to marry him on the first date — has anyone ever loved you so completely? Has anyone ever swept you off your feet with such passion? Such fervour? She told him she was not ready. He pursued.
He wanted sex within the first week or two of meeting and showered her with gifts, flowers, champagne, to prove he truly, madly deeply loved her and only her. When she told him it was too soon for physical intimacy, that she needed to ”˜go slowly’ he respected her wishes. But, then he arranged a ”˜special’ weekend away at an exotic location to surprise her. How could she refuse him?
And on that first time together, he became short of breath, his skin started to flake from lack of oxygen. He had a heart-attack. The ambulance came. She was whisked away, and though his business partners kept her informed of his health, she never knew where he was, or what was truly happening. When next she saw him, he sadly told her of his rare heart condition. Being ”˜a man’s man’ he could not fathom living with someone else’s heart beating in his body. He must undergo experimental surgery, but only once his heart has deteriorated to a point that it was feasible — 1 month, 2 months at the outside 3.
He gave her a new cell phone so that she did not need to worry about the expense. He constantly reminded her that though she was successful in her own right, all that she had accomplished to create her beautiful life was nothing compared to what he would make possible. He told her that no one would ever want for her what he could give her, for what he was going to give her were her dreams come true. The dreams she had whispered to him while lying safely in his arms, the world far away and silent. He held her and told her of his love. He laughed and teased her, told her with fervent kisses of his dreams for ”˜them’, for their happily ever after.
And she slid into his arms.
Everything circled around his desires and wants—he was dying, he was weak. He could not be ”˜excited’. But even in his ‘ill health’, he was only concerned about her well-being. He told her he was setting up trust funds, changing over his insurance policies, investing in her business, investing in other businesses to create a life for her greater than any she could ever imagine — or ask for or wanted. She only wanted him to live.
As his health failed, he would confess that he was part of an organized family. One of the ”˜upper echelon’. She didn’t understand. She didn’t believe those things really existed. He told her that was what made her so beautiful. Her innocence. Her belief in goodness.
“You do not believe in evil,” he said, stroking her hair where he held her head against his chest. “You have not seen what I have seen.”
What did the past matter, she wondered. He was dying. Now was all they had to share.
As a parting gift, he wanted to give her the story of his life — “It will be such a story,” he said. “Your fame as a writer will be assured.” It will be called, ”˜A New Don Rising’ for he was changing the old guard, he was ridding the ”˜family’ of its unethical, illegal businesses. He was honourable, righteous. He did not want to be remembered for the destruction he had created, but for the lives he had saved through his ”˜good works’. She was his inspiration, his reason for hanging on to see that what he started was completed, and that she never need for anything again. That she and her daughters were safe from harm.
He had secret friends, and many, many enemies. He will toy with her by telling her that his enemies were willing to harm her and her children to get at him. He told her evil men had sent him three bullets. Pictures of a young girl being violated — she looks like your eldest daughter, he said. These evil men were threatening to kidnap her daughter, drug her and put her in the sex trade unless she remained silent. He promised he would never let harm come to her and them, but she must do what he says and be silent. Only silence will keep her children safe. She will never see these evil men, but he will tearfully tell her of the threats he has received against her and her children.
He will triangulate his relationship with her and with other people. He will tell her who is ”˜plotting’ against her. He will tell her who is working with the police to build their case against him and using her and her love for her children as the wedge to destroy him. He will tell her that she is being investigated by child services, that he has men following her to keep her safe and the police have people following her to spy on him and the bad men have people following her to get at him. Wherever she goes there are people following her, taking pictures, watching. And she knows they are there, because sometimes she sees them. Sometimes she is shown pictures. Sometimes, he comments on what she was wearing that day, even when he has told her he wasn’t there. She never knows when someone will be watching. Or not. She never knows.
He will appear emotionally hurt at what he tells her others are doing to turn her against him — and though she will never see or know what others are doing, he will ensure she believes him and is too frightened of her daughters’ safety to risk confronting him or these ”˜others’ about him.
He will tell her about his past lovers and relationships — before his marriage. He will tell her how cold and sterile his marriage was. He will tell her that he has never paid for sex, never used pornography, never been with a woman other than his wife while married — but theirs was an arranged marriage between families — she was an exceptional wife and mother but they had never truly, madly, deeply known love together. And now, with her, he does know true love, and he’ll leave out the mad part but she will feel it. And he will ask her about her experiences — and keep the intimate details stored until a later date when he will use the information to terrorize her.
He will always give her compliments. He has known her through many lifetimes — but this is the first time he has to show her his love. She will come to wish it were the last. She will come to believe that his love will kill her. And she will remain silent.
He will act overly concerned, soft and caring when she speaks to him of her terror of these unseen evil men and her fears for her daughters’ safety. He will tell her not to cry. He will tell her it’s okay to cry. He will take her tears and use them as his weapon, to show her how weak, stupid and ugly she is. How pathetic.
And she will believe him. She is pathetic for not being able to handle the terror. She will try to take her own life and he will laugh at her pitiful attempt to end it.
“You can never leave me,” he will tell her. “I will never let you go.”
And she will grow silent and only say those things that keep him calm, that cause him to applaud her, to appreciate her, to admire her.
Eventually, he will tell her that she reminds him of his mother. He will tell her how sad it makes him that his mother will never know her — for she is the woman she would have loved as her daughter-in-law.
He will create a ”˜husband’ for her. One of the top family men whom no one will mess with — and to ensure no one messes with her. He will show her the wedding invitations, the marriage certificate. He will promise her that he will have the ”˜marriage’ evaporate as soon as he has corrected all the wrongs so that then he can marry her himself — as soon as he has wrought vengeance on those who have tried to harm him. She will never wear the dress. Never walk the aisle. But he will convince her that isn’t necessary. He is doing this all for her. She must trust him. Believe him. She doesn’t. But she never tells him. And she never tells herself of her fears.
He will always take away the evidence and leave her with nothing to show for his promises, his threats, his lies. He will tell her he has signed papers in her name. “It is for your own good,” he will say. And she will remain silent. Sometimes, she’ll wonder where the papers are. But she doesn’t dare look for them. He will be angry if she does. And so, she stays silent and holds onto the darkness he tells her will keep her safe.
He will tell her of the many assassination attempts against him. He will carry a gun and show it to her ”˜accidentally’. She will panic and he will laugh at her and tell her to face the truth, “life is tough and if she wants to keep her children safe, she’d better learn to accept he has a gun.” He will call her in a panic, telling her of the latest assassination attempt, telling her his cousin is dead, but he escaped with only minor wounds. He will call her from the funeral, tears in his voice. Begging her to help him understand why it has to be like this. Why can’t they just leave him alone to love her as she deserves to be loved.
He will keep her on the rollercoaster of his lies and she will keep her eyes tightly shut, missing the exits flying by.
He will make sure she fears for her life, and her daughters’ safety. She will despair that she has brought such terror into their existence, and he will tell her it is his fault, but he will fix it. And then, he’ll blame her for the mess and remind her that only he can fix it.
He will arrange for ”˜things’ to happen to convince her that the evil men are watching, plotting, attempting to kill her or harm her daughters. There will be dead birds on her doorstep, bombs beneath her car. Kidnappers lurking, items missing from her home.
As her terror rises and she become less and less able to function, he will promise to protect her, to take care of her. He will remind her it is all her fault that she is like this and that the beautiful life he was building for her was destroyed. When a police investigator comes to see her about him and she spends five minutes talking to the investigator, he will yell and scream at her that she is stupid, stupid, stupid. When the ”˜other woman’ accosts her in her office, he will scream and yell at her that she should not have gone into the office that day. And he will never explain why there is an investigation, or why the other woman exists. And she will be too frightened to ask.
He will make her change cell phones many times — to foil the evil men from listening to her calls. From tracking where he is and knowing where she is going. But he will always know and make sure she knows he sees her, even when he isn’t there.
He will ensure she knows he is taping her calls by repeating conversations she’s had with others. He will call her from far away places in the middle of the night and accuse her of having another man in her bed. He will accuse her of having at least two affairs. He will accuse her of vile things. He will use every ounce of knowledge he has about her against her. He will use her.
He will ensure she knows he is capable of murder. He will ensure she knows there is no getting away from him. He will ensure she witnesses his ability to harm others, to obtain vengeance. He will build the case to ensure she tries to kill herself and when she fails, he will hold her pinioned in his arms until she becomes the walking dead, alive only through his munificence.
And when he is not there, when he is away, she will sleep with one eye open for he is always lurking, somewhere in the corners of her mind.
I no longer sleep with one eye open. He is not lurking anywhere in the corners of my mind. I have filled my thinking with all that loves and supports me. I have no room for him in my mind today. He is not important. He has no value.He does not count in my life today.
yes yes yes – I was afraid of him – afraid to make him leave – he made threats and would say I love you in the same sentence – I wasnt weak , just under his spell and I felt so sorry for him and feared him at the same time – he loved my dogs but I was afraid he would kill them to hurt me – I was afraid he would burn my house down – I hoped and prayed he would find a new victim and leave with out completely destroying me – the times he did leave I would sleep with a gun and hide my wallet – he broke into my house several times and destroyed things – here in Oklahoma the police just laughed at me…thank God he is gone and I have not seen him in 18 months – he’s someone else’s problem now – I still get feelings that he is lurking about but I dont think he is…
style1:
Unbelievable that the act like this. The S was 40 years old, an ex-con, living in a bed bug-ridden tenement (which I paid 3 months back rent on, thank you kindly) and had 15 creditor default judgments against him. I’m an attorney and was willing to overlook the record. In addition to his rent, I paid for every date, every trip, every everything. I offered him access to the life he said he wanted — doorman building on the Upper East Side of NYC, charities I’m involved with, etc.
Gratitude? Not on your life. Not only was I mentally bludgeoned, I was constantly reminded just how much people disliked me, etc. And the cherry on the charlotte russe, as my grandmother used to say, was when I took him on a trip to my family’s villa in Greece — and he ripped off a kaftan from my neighbor’s villa. Now, that’s gratitude for ya.
They have nothing to lose and everything to gain. They aren’t appreciative because they don’t have it or own it. Mine would say that he didn’t believe in prenups.. why would he, he had nothing.. I didn’t quite realize this in the beginning.. then later he told me that he would sign a prenup..
I never had the intention of every marrying him.. engaged was enough..
If you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.. you have no appreciation…
henry,
I can relate to a few of the things you said. I am also afraid of what my son does to the dogs when I am not around.
It is a strange feeling when you can’t be comfortable in your own house nor are you comfortable when you are away from it. That is kind of where I am at right now.
wit I am sorry you have to live like this – thankfully I feel very safe now…but a child like this is another thing – i dont have a clue what to say to you..unless it would be :Beam me up Scotty!”
Witsend – One time when my xS. pulled one of his suicide attempts – I called his mother whom I had never met too talk to her or get some insight as to why he was this way. She Said “He can’t come to my place, I can’t do anything with him and you don’t need to be involved with him because he is a BOOGER.” and hung up the phone! Well I guess that was some insight..
henry,
Was she for real? A BOOGER….To funny.
Henry, do you think that your xS suicide attempts were to hurt you because of your sister?
Or do you think he was suicidal?
I would NEVER, ever, tell anyone to not take suicide attempts seriously. When someone threatens suicide to family members and loved ones, several times, after awile they become immune to this. However I know a lady whose mother actually suicided after threatening suicide many times during her life. On this particular day, although she said it many times before, she meant it.
Her family was devastated because of course they didn’t believe her.
But knowing how EVIL P/S/N can be, do you think he did this because of your circumstance or was he suicidal before he met you?
he is a cutter – he had scars on his wrist when I met him. It was his attempt at proving his love to me. He is a cluster B personality disorder. I felt so responsible for him, he forced me to take care of him, wich in away was his way of controling me. He really was/is messed up. Has many issues. He told me he was abandoned my his parents at 2 years old, his sister was 5 at the time and she tried her best to take care of him, until his grandparents came and got them and raised them. Then his super religous grandmother disowned him when he revealed he was gay and kicked him out at 18 years old the day he graduate high school. He was on his own from then on and from what I have peiced together has lived with one man after the other, never staying in a relationship long , the longest was 6 years. But to answer your question No I dont think it had anything to do with my sister – it was a form of manipulation – also cutters do this to escape reality. Any way Witsend I dont know if any of what he told me about his childhood is truth or not. I did tell his mom he had told me she abandoned him and she denied it and said his father had but not her. My X did talk of fond memories of growing up with his grandparents tho – he adored his grand father. But yes his mother said he was a Booger and she said my daughter is just like him, she said she didnt know why her kids were that way…
henry,
Ahh I see that I didn’t see the last reply you made. Sometimes when the thread is lost on the main page I loose track.
He really does have a “story” behind him doesn’t he? And of course as you say you don’t know how much of it is true. How much of it was fact and how much was his perception of it as a child and how much of it became tangled up in actual lies as he told the story as an adult. That is probably the REAL question here.
There seems to be a very common thread of abandonment issues with S/P/N disorder……
I am REALLY struggling with this right now. My very FIRST instinct when I saw troubling personality traits in my son, was that very thing. He has underlying abandonment issues from when his father suicided. It occured to me that he “shut down” on that tragic day because he was there alone with him for many hours, before I arrived after my shift at work.
His abandonment issues could also include me. He was a very scared and tramatized child and I was NOT THERE for him at this time of need.
I don’t know, I don’t think this takes a rocket scientist to figure out. When he went into counseling it seems to me that this would at least been something they would have EXPLORED with him. I was very disappointed to find his counselor did not.
Suicide is a dark place to explore. I realize this as I had to explore it myself during my own therapy. But if my therapist avoided it, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with my underlying feelings about it either.
My personal struggle now seems to be with PERCEPTION……The key seems to be how a child percieves information. If something doesn’t really “SHUT DOWN” early on in the childs brain and things don’t process (normally) after that.
One of the things that we all struggle to understand about this disorder is the lack of empathy, of being able to FEEL love. We are giving our love, why can’t they feel it?
The hardest part for me to look at in my son is his hatred for me. How did that manifest within him? What is HIS perception of his childhood (after the suicide) that warrants that hatred?
What manifests hatred? It’s hard to digest this.
Witsend…In my experience with a S with deep rooted issues of abandonment…YES we are giving our love…so why can’t they feel it?
I believe they have had such trauma in the past with those they love that they shut down and choose (whether is consciously or not) to never feel or love again. They were so betrayed or violated that in turn, they only know how to express those feelings back to the wolrd. They never really get over those issues and if not dealt with properly, they shut down emotionally, thus turing them into P/S/N. For my S, his aunt was babysitting him when he was a todler and he woulnd’t stop crying so she laid a hot clothes iron across his legs to shut him up. Traumatizing? YES! And his mother used to beat him senseless and when he developed behavioral issues as a teen, she sent him to CA (they lived in England) to live with other family members because he became so difficult. Now his mom is super religious and she denies ever laying a finger on him. She sits in front of her TV all day watching Christian television and spending all of her time at the church and wanting to pray for him because she now feels that he’s a bad person. My ex has serious resentment for her and I believe took all his aggression out on other women. Women have always been disposable to him. He would not allow another women to abandon him, instead he would take advantage of and destoy them the way his aunt and mother did. Sometimes I feel like it was his way of getting even, whether he realized it or not.
My ex KNEW he had abandonment issues, and had no problem telling me ALLLL about them. But I think they choose to not ever be hurt again (whether is consciously or not) but shutting down completely, building walls and never letting anyone else to get so close so that they can’t be hurt. My ex said he couldn’t allow himself to love me they way I loved him because if he did, I would turn around and leave him. Instead he would sabatoge everything he touched, pushing me away, not allowing himself to FEEL. He flat out told me he didn’t want to FEEL. And that pissed me off more than anything..it was like he was on the verge of “seeing the light.” If he could just let go, then things would be different.
But we have to realized that they don’t ever see that light. They don’t want to see it, they don’t want to let go. They would rather drive themselves to the edge and wallow in their self pity, only to take advantage of those that want to help or to love them. Feeling and love are too scary for them. But I really think that deep down that’s all they really want, is to be loved. They just don’t know how to let it happen or how to feel it. I think that’s why my ex was so suicidal. It must be a miserable existence knowing that you’re too afraid to love. It’s how we as humans survive. It’s essential for us to be happy. That’s why they are never happy, they have lost this human emotion to love or feel empathy.
I’m sorry your son is filled with so much hatred, and yes it must be hard to digest, but sometimes you have to realize that their is nothing left for you to do. You know that you still have the ability to love and feel and be free, and although he is your son, it’s not worth you sacrificing your sanity to figure out why he chooses not to love and feel, and spew hatred. But we’re here for you, stay strong. And live your life for you! Life is too short to let the negative rule your existence. Reading other people’s stories, and having their advice and comfort has really helped. You’re not alone..so pick yourself up and LIVE, LOVE and FEEL!! HUGS.