By | February 14, 2011 302 Comments

Heal your heart for Valentine’s Day

For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.

Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.

Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.

The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?

The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.

Deciding to heal

The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.

Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.

Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.

Peace and joy

Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.

At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.

Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”

What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.


Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen.  When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.

I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.

Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.

True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.

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lesson learned

This post brings me to tears.


super chic

Happy Valentine’s Day, Terry and Donna!!!!
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. xoxo

Ox Drover

Thanks Donna, I am so happy for Terry and you that you found each other. But at the same time, I realize that “finding someone” is not the SOLUTION to making us happy and fulfilled.

The “happy and fulfilled” must, I think come FIRST—then, if per-chance we find someone also happy and fulfilled who wants to SHARE our happiness, like you and Terry found each other, then that is the ULTIMATE…but in the event we never find that person in this life, none-the-less, that should not keep us from being happy and fulfilled.

My late husband and I had a grand time (not perfect, but a great marriage none-the-less) but I realized after he was gone that way too much of my own “happiness” had depended on HIM rather than on myself.

None of us can guarantee someone else that they will be there forever for them (on this earth) because we all die…so we may either leave the one we love behind, or they may leave us behind, and I think it is important for our happiness to be OUR OWN, and SHARED with the one(s) we love, not dependent on having others be there for us.

My own neediness after the loss of my husband and my own feelings of being Alone, lonely, wanting someone to rescue me from my pain opened me up for the adventure I had with the boy friend I think is a psychopath. Now that I am further along the road toward healing my wounded soul from the losses of my husband, step father and the damage from the psychopathic chaos in my family, I feel much happier and ready to share that happiness if someone were to come along, but if not, that’s okay too…my happiness doesn’t depend on the presence of someone else…it depends on ME.

kim frederick

I guess I’m gonna have to shape a can of tuna into a heart.
Pinkey is my Valintine this year….and a pretty good one, too. He’s soft and furry and purry and warm.
My Dad was in the Navy during the second world war, and his ship was sunk on Feb.14, 1942 in the South Pacific.
I got a box of chocolates from my Dad every Valintine’s Day that he was alive. I think it was an excercise in gratitude for him. So, today I am especially remembering my Dad, and sending him images of heart shaped boxes of candy.


Happy Valentine’s Day! Today was a special day, having fun giving my children Valentine cards, along with Valentine candy. When they woke up this morning, there was a card and candy waiting for each child. It was nice to be able to give the cards to them, expressing my love to them.

Ox Drover

WOW! Kim, that is so special! What a wonderful memory of your father! I can only imagine how grateful he must have been to survive such a thing. I’ve got a book ordered about the captain of the whale ship Essex which was sunk in the early 1800s by a sperm whale. The men escaped the ship but spent 90 days in 3 small life boats and only a few survived by actually drawing straws to see which would be killed for food and which would do the killing.

The story was the idea for what became the book Moby Dick. In 1822 the same captain’s boat sunk in 15 ft of water and he returned to Boston and got a job as a night watchman and did not go back to sea. They just recently found what was left of the boat that sunk in 1822 off Hawaii.

I can’t say as I blame the man for not going back to sea any more.

I love stories of extreme surviving under awful conditions…maybe it is because Sometimes I have felt like I have survived under “extreme conditions”—and I think WE ALL HAVE done so.

I think that our strength is the same strength that would allow the survivors of the Nazi prison camps like Dr. Viktor Frankl, and people who have survived kidnapping like Elizabeth Smart, Patty Hearst, and Jaycee Dugard etc. to survive. Even though our trauma may not have been quite as physical or quite as dramatic, none the less, it still took a tremendous amount of STRENGTH on the part of each of us to SURVIVE and THRIVE, so I we should give ourselves a big TOWANDA!!!!! You obviously got your dad’s strength to survive, Kimmie!!!!

kim frederick

Yeah, Oxy, this is funny: When my Dad and his ship-mates got Stateside, they were all sent for an examination by a shrink to determine if they had PTSD. My Dad readilly admitted to fudging a bit…exagerating symptoms and such. Shrink looked at him at end of interview and said, D, you don’t want to go back to sea, do you. My dad wearing sheepish grin, shook his head and said quietly…”No Sir, not much.”
Shrink said, “ok, get outta here, next.” LOL.


“Life is never the same after we have loved and been loved by someone amazing. We become filled and blessed in so many ways – lending truth to the wisdom of “better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.””

This was in a post by a friend elsewhere. Sadly, it is NOT true when you have been “loved” by a sociopath. The fact is, they are incapable of loving of course, but we were not. We are the ones who hurt, not them. And we can’t even comfort ourselves with the thought expressed above.

In fact, our loving and losing was not anything like the normal losing in love. That pain is great enough! But our pain….finding out the person we loved never really existed, and being left doubting our own ability to perceive reality….adds a whole new dimension to the hurt.

But gradually we realize we loved…and ultimately, finally, won. Won our freedom from being blinded by our dreams. I think sociopaths hook into our dearest dreams….dreams that we want SO BADLY to be true, that we ignore the red flags, that little feeling that told us things were not right.

So we loved someone who didn’t really exist, it was a charade. We lost the love. AND we lost our dream…that often we wanted more than even our self-respect.

And we ultimately win when we see ourselves clearly, stengths and weaknesses, and then that dream no longer can control us.

I have to admit, my dream still has allure for me. But at least I’m aware of it and if someone speaks to it….red flags go up to not get sucked in!

And I’m finding new dreams to replace the old. Dreams that I CAN make come true for me. Dreams that don’t depend on what anyone else does or doesn’t do.

And i’m redefining what love is. We are given such a shallow interpretation of it by our society!


neveragain, wise post; i like it. So true an experience with a sociopath makes you more realistic and mature.


This is one of my favorite “perspective” websites ~ today’s oddly appropriate for me, I think (since I’m new here and all that!)


Happy Valentines Day to all.
I had a dream last Tuesday, that the x texted me.

(I cut him out with no explanation since New Years eve and felt bad that I never explained. Ifelt like a selfish narcissist myself.)

Well, that night, he did text me and we spoke on the phone.
I apologized for how I ignored him with no explanation.
I told him that I enjoy his company and conversations and would like to remain friends.

So he took me to dinner and we had a nice time. I finally talked as a friend. He bought me gifts…my watch…lol…a jacket and wine and told me that he will show me how much he cares for me…etc…

I told him that I love him and yet, I’m no longer in love with him because I need to rebuild trust. He lies about things he’s afraid to tell me…like bad real estate investments etc.

He agreed to see me…no sex…just hugs and kisses. We’ve talked a lot since that night and we are just dating..

I went to my mortgage mediation and they wont do it. So, I have to fight still to keep my house. God works in weird ways. He is going to help me out. I am cleaning out the house and getting ready in case I need to move. I don’t know if I could handle the move without a good support system. So, I’m glad we are friends.

The bank rep is a REAL sociopath. OMG….thats why this country is going under.


Be ever so careful! set boundaries and don’t let him cross one single one. At the first sign of rage, go gray rock. Tell him his rages won’t work on you.


He is not a rager or violent. In fact, he never called me a name…only when I wa s calling him a liar once , he referred to me as a bimbo….He used to get upset with me when I got upset…and just hang up and then call me. So, I am not worried.
I always said that I don’t think he is a sociopath. I think he has insecurities and is secretive about things because he doesn’t trust anyone…being a cop and through lots of betrayal from people in his life.

I was upset that he had a profile on a dating site…still…but, in the meantime…I have mine on ten different sites from years ago before I met him.

I told him I love him as a friend and I could see the hurt in him…but he was willing to accept this. I am SO strong now and so much more comfortable with him than I ever felt.

So, we will see, in time. I feel better about myself now and NOONE can get over on me.

lesson learned


I’m afraid I don’t know what to say.

I’m completely stumped.

I see manipulation tobe. I see you talking yourself out of it too.

It doesn’t MATTER why a man lies to you. If he’s lying to you about ANYTHING, he’ll lie to you about EVERYTHING.

you said, No one can get one over on me.

He just did 🙂 He knows what you want. And he clearly still knows how to manipulate you to get it.

Hang in there tobe. I still love you. 🙂


lesson learned

btw, tobe?

If mine came back right now, I’d go RUNNING back.

I’m not faulting you. It’s easier to tell others what to do, and see clearly what’s going on, than to do it for yourself sometimes.

It’s probably a good thing that mine has Kim Kardashian and a bank acccount to screw now.



what a great post. i have to chew on this for a while… happy v day to all of you lovelies 🙂 hugs


Um……I have to say, I had to look at the date of your post thinking this was an ‘old’ one.
This is a repeat….#3!
GIRL…..your bargaining with yourself……IMHO.

I suggest you seriously look at WHY you are doing this again. the example your setting for your girls, and the timing of your reconnect.

I’m in the middle of a move, losing my home and majorly downsizing……I’ve been ‘moving’ and selling all my chit since early Jan……
I’m here to tell ya….IT”S DOABLE!
If you accept his help…..your tied to him….he’s got a grip on you and NONE of it will be worth it!

IT’s ALL do-able…….we figure this stuff out!

My suggestion is……be alone for way more time to get your stuff sorted out and figure out ‘why’ your doing this.
Seems to me…..more harm than good will come from this.
Your continually questioning yourself……by your actions, then switching teams on yourself and convincing yourself about the reasons…..
You’ve got teenage daughters… very least…..consider them…..THEY ARE WATCHING YOU!

Good luck….

lesson learned


That was a really good post.



Well, When we went back since Jan….I took it slowly.
I only slept with him once and actually didn’t see him so much. I just wanted to be friends. I confronted him on things “I” wanted to do…together and he was giving me what I wanted. I just wanted to be friends. I didn’t want to see him very much,….with the cold and early dark nights …I stayed home and wanted to just hang out with my girls. So, we really were rebuilding a friendship and talked on the phone a lot and saw movies and went to Atlantic City a few times. I was content with that.

So, he won some money in A/C and told me he was going to buy me a watch with it. I expected it for Xmas. When I didn’t get it…I was upset and decided not to see him.

He wanted to give it to me New Year’s Day…even showed me the receipt that he bought it right before that day. I just avoided him…I was concentrating on saving my house.

Well, the day before my court mediation I dreamt of him and he called me that night! So, I decided to talk to him and remind him of what was going on.

We got together and I laid it all out. He came down and gave me the watch and I told him how I felt…and what I wanted. We discussed so many things and I’m glad that we are “friends” now. I’ve known him for six years and have been involved with him for 4 yrs. So, this time around I told him I want total honesty or I don’t want to be even a friend. I gave him the option to date other women and me other men. He didn’t want that. So, we’ll see.

I see him as a “little boy” even though he looks like a football player. He was a cop and sometimes acts “tough” but I see an insecure softy deep down. He doesn’t have the lack of empathy…or remorse. He is NEVER abusive, ever. He lied about his financial real estate dealings prior to meeting me…which was the main thing I was upset about. He has a financial tie to a woman he lived with….that he was friends with …but not seriously involved with. I guess it was “friends with benefits”. THIS is what upset me. He came clean with that last time around.
I think that he has had some ‘repressed’ sexual stuff going on from his strict upbringing with his grandmother…and his mother abandoning him. This might account for his strong sex drive. But, i don’t think he was cheating on me. When I pulled away from him several times and ended it….I can’t say for sure if he dated other women….he told me he just went out for dinner and movies. But, when we were together…I never caught him.

So, I’m taking it slowly…seeing if he will be honest with me…and I’m not sleeping with him until I can trust him totally. He has to earn my friendship back.

He calls me all day on breaks and we talk on the phone. He lives about 40 miles away. I have been totally myself and talking to him like he is my brother lately. lol So far, he has taken a leave from work to help me clean out the house in case I need to move. I consider him a friend right now, and I made that clear to him. I will give it time to see how I feel. I know that I feel strong and I’m not taking less than honesty and good treatment from him. If my gut feeling tells me something isn’t right…I will be upfront with him.

So, I have a lot going on and hopefully he can be a support system to me along with my good friends and sister.

My girls don’t know much about whats going on with him…they know that we are good friends and will always be even if we have our misgivings.

Just trying to stay strong…


Dear Blankspot,
Thx for the link!
it was fun and it actually DID help my perspective a tiny bit.


As many couples look forward to this day…to this night, here I am hiding again wishing this day never existed. Today is the third year I have called in sick. As many couples in love with each other celebrate this day, it is nothing but a bitter reminder to me of all the lies and deception that man did to me. I hate this day. I hate my life. I wish I was never born. I wish I was dead!!!




you described my exP in some ways.
I too could see the vulnerable little boy underneath it all. Normal people don’t create that desire to take care of them the way spaths do. It’s a look of hurt or vulnerability that they naturally have. the green river murderer had it. my exP had it. you see glimpses of it.

I too wanted to have us date other people, but he didn’t want that so I agreed, (but he was screwing 12 year old girls while I was at work and trolling for hookers at night)
I NEVER caught him cheating, I was only told about it 25 years later by his friends.

My spath also had mother issues.

my spath also promised things and didn’t deliver UNLESS I actually left him. But the abandonment was a narcissistic injury that required revenge and that is when he went into full stealth attack. He poisoned my food, he convinced me to buy a house and live with him and then began to destroy me day by day. Completely under my nose and under my radar.

You will have to do a test in order to know what he is.

Gray rock ONLY works on spaths. Normal people don’t even notice gray rock. If you are boring, the sociopath will freak, he’ll wander, he’ll run. Try being boring for about 2 weeks and see what happens. only talk about boring things, show very little emotion.

You know all the red flags of spaths. If you see them you will know what he is. I’m not going to tell you to run if he’s a spath, that is your decision. But I will tell you to FIND OUT if he’s a spath. You need that information for your own safety.

I hate this day too. It was dreamed up by a sociopath to make people who have sociopaths for mates or ex-mates, feel bad.

People who are actually in love don’t need a day to celebrate it. They celebrate each day.

So skip feeling bad and refuse to participate in sociopath day.

Ox Drover

Dear Deceived,

((((deceived))))) Sugar I am so sorry you feel so bad today, but I can tell you IT WILL GET BETTER—just think of it as having cancer and what you are going through now is CHEMO THERAPY. It makes you want to puke, makes you want to die, but if you hang on until the treatment is done, you will be healed. You will be WELL.

I know it is really painful, just like chemo is painful to the patient (can you tell I am a medical person?–well, retired but still medically minded!) but it is something that you have to go through in order to heal.

Another analogy. You are SURROUNDED by a ring of fire and the only way out is to head directly into that fire and THROUGH it. But once you emerge on the other side, you will be somewhat singed, your hair scortched and your skin painfully blistered, but you will start to heal. If you don’t face the fears, face the pain, you WILL die. Emotionally and/or physically.

I know all that sounds tough and it is tough, and believe me I have lain on the floor in the fetal position crying my heart out without a desire to live as well and I know there are others here that have experienced extreme pain as well. I’m glad now though that I didn’t die. I’m glad to get up each day now. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you.


This is so off topic, but I am struggling with the ability to see all the comments after certain articles. I wonder if after a certain amount of entries the comments just get cut off for me. Because where before I was able to comment, now there is no comment box. And where I have previously commented, and I can actually see that people have responded after me on the left hand side bar, I can’t see those comments when I click on the title of the article. I don’t get it! So since this is the first comment box I have been able to find in a little while, I’m posting this question here in hopes that someone can tell me the secret to reading the comments that get posted after I have posted myself. I love this place though!

lesson learned

(((((((((((((((((( Deceived ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I so get where you are right now. If I was there, I’d give you a huge, BIG BIG BIG hug………..I’m crying writing this, for you…….I soooooooooooo understand.

This holiday is TORTURE for those of us in this kind of pain. I avoided the store until just a little bit ago. I didn’t go anywhere except to take my son to school, the doctor and home. I stayed here. Talked to my daughter on the phone…..

It still doesn’t take away the intensive grief and pain.

I”m soooooooooooooooo so so so sorry you’re hurting. I’m SO sorry, Deceived.

I wish there was something I could do to help relieve your pain.

I feel like I want to die too, Deceived. This, by far, is the most painful experience of my entire life.

But if you can just take my hand…..we can walk through this together………..

BIG BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!



sometimes the threads get so long that they won’t load anymore for me either – then I get a partial load, like you described. it’s especially bad on the nights when lots of us are logged on.

Perhaps that is what you are experiencing?


Hi everyone, Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I was wondering what you guys mean by “gray rock”. I’ve seen it referenced on this site a few times, but don’t get the full meaning.

This day sucks so bad. Ughh, but I’m thankful for my health, my family & friends, my beautiful daughter. I’m just scared to death because I have so much responsibility on my shoulders right now. I’m trying to start my own business so I can provide a good life for my daughter & I. Her loser, dead beat father isn’t going to help me support his own daughter. It’s so weird because sometimes I have so much animosity towards him for everything he has done (and not done). And then other times I feel sorry for him. What guy in his right mind would do what he has done. Throw away his beautiful baby and her mother like they are nothing. I guess it hurts so much because I grew up with happy, loving parents that gave me & my sisters a beautiful life. To think my daughter doesn’t have a father like i had hurts so much. BTW – both of my parents are deceased. I just can’t stand him. Everybody thinks I should start dating again, and eventually get married and have the life I always envisioned. It’s just so hard. I’m trying to get my own life in order. I was left holding my precious baby with no means of supporting of her. I’ve been living off my savings, but they are slowly dwindling away. I have my resumes sent everywhere. I am just so scared. It would be one thing if it was just me, but I have a baby to care for. I just have so much resentment because I never in a million years thought something like this would happen to me. Especially after having my first baby. Life seems so unfair.


Hi Everyone,
Valentines Day is the day he left. My once Valentine was a narcissist.
I think he wanted to wait till it was a day that would make a lasting impression. When he left I finally sighed in relief, had he stayed I would have died, he would have killed me. He hated me with all his might, I annoyed him that I was strong, he wanted me to crumble, and he wanted to see it. He was the worst narcissist ever.
During my 20 years with him, he love bombed me to no end. He used my parents, my kids, my siblings and whoever meant alot to me. He knew that the more he did for them, the more I admired him, and of course my family thought the world of him. In 20 years, I loved him, but I could not connect, there was something not right…I always shrugged it away as being “me”. I guess it all accumulated inside, because little by little some things did not make sense. So one day about 3 years ago I started asking questions….it crumbled my marriage, my 20 year marriage disolved in 9 months. He has now been out of my life for 2 years, has not seen his two teenage kids 18 and 14 and could not care less about them. He just discarded them, just like that.
When I came home today, my kids had a card for me, dinner ready, desert, and the house was clean. I was so happy to have such wonderful kids, I am so lucky to have them, and to be able to raise them decent. They have no use for their father, and they make a point of making a good life for themselves. They respect and treat me very well. I started dating last year, and met some really different types of people. I have a hard time trusting, but I started to like a guy about 3 months ago, but after looking at his actions very carefully and listening to my spidey sense, I broke it off, something was not quite right. When I broke it off he said “After all I have done for you !” Well, that was the phrase that confirmed that I had done a good thing. And of course I asked for advise on this blog with you all, and you confirmed that something was fishy with this guy, you were right. So, here it is Valentines Day , I do not have a problem being alone, my kids are my life, and I am so happy to have them, and to be able to guide them without the crazy father. Valentines is a day for me to remember alot of hurt, but it reminds me that its the day of hearts, and my ex narcissist did not have a heart. So to all my frieneds on this blog, Happy Valentines Day, lets celebrate that we do have a heart, and they do not.


miracles happen. your baby is one of them. Your new life is another. It’s going to be okay. Tell us about what kind of work you want to do. Maybe someone has some suggestions that might spark an idea for you.

Gray rock is a term I came up with to explain how to drive away a sociopath. A complete stranger saved my life by explaining to me that my spath was a spath. He said you can’t get rid of them, they will stalk you if you run and they will fight you if you fight. They love the emotional responses, the more you fight them the more they come after you. It’s the thrill of the hunt and the chase. He said, “be boring. if he asks what you want for dinner, say you don’t care. how was your day? the usual.”

It’s like playing dead, but your emotions are dead not you.

Then I came up with a way to describe it as “gray rock”. Be as dull as a gray rock. You pass gray rocks all day long and you never notice any of them, do you? They’re everywhere but I’ll bet you can’t describe even one that you saw today. So that’s how you have to become to get rid of a spath. Spaths don’t SEE boring people. Boring people become invisible to them. If there supply becomes boring they become very anxious and finally leave. They feed off your emotions, it’s what they want.

It’s like a mouse that plays dead so the cat will go away and end the game.


The long cut off posts… oh well, maybe I’ll be able to see them tomorrow.

Aerin: Oh do I know how you feel. How could they throw away so much. And my husband not only threw away a wife and five children (two of which he gave to me from his previous victim) he managed to lose for us about 90% of the possesions that we owned, plus our home, our land, our stinkin dignity, you name it! When I think about the times when things were a little bit better, when we had a place to live and running water and electricity, when I see the pictures of our beautiful home and our clean cut kids… I know that things were still very difficult, but we were ALL pretty willing to deal with the strange mental difficulties he presented to us, so long as we could just straight up LIVE!

When I tried to leave him years ago for the simple fact of the matter that he was abusive, or a cheater, or did not manage to return home after work ended… I thought it was simply a matter of if only he could appreciate what he had. But now I have no doubt that he doesn’t actually possess that ability. To the point that he would seriously leave us to starve, suffer and die.

These people do not know that life has value. They only think of themselves. They know nothing except the self-pleasuring need that promises to block out their intense fear. We may have been slaves to them for months, years, but they might be a slave to this unknown emptiness forever.



Thanks for clarifying that for me. I kind of had a jist of what you meant, but now I fully understand. It’s funny because that’s how I act around my ex, like I don’t care. The funny thing is too, he hasn’t bothered me. So it’s good not having him stir up trouble in my life. Bad, because he’s the father of my child and should be an active,happy participant in her life, but she is defintely better off without him. He has so many problems, drugs one of them, that it’s not even funny. I can’t believe the man that I first started dating and was so happy with is now this shell of a man, drug addicted, loser!!

I know my baby is a miracle, a beautiful blessing. I still can’t believe God gave me this child and all of these horrible circumstances surrounding her. I always thought that when I had kids I would be married and would be able to stay home with them. But they aren’t my circumstances. I’m starting my own vending business – chic hair straighteners you place in trendy nightclubls, bars, restaurants, gyms, etc. I’m doing the vending business because it’s relatively low maintenance and I can spend more time with my daughter. You have no idea how much it hurts that I’m not going to be able to stay home with my daughter. Anyway, I also have resumes out for different sales positions, since i have experience in real estate, and the earning potential is pretty good. I was also an activities director for a mental health facility, go figure. Sooo…I don’t know. I just think I was blessed with this beautiful baby with no means of supporting her. So scary, but I know God will provide, some how, some way, he will provide. Thanks for your kind words!


Be Aware,
Thats SO TRUE. My spath daughter,{47 in July.} hs thrown away;
Her home,
Her husband,
her kids,{her husband,{still not divorced after almost 6 years,} now has FT custody of them, but she babysits her OWn kids in HIS home weekends, so he can make a booty call on weekends to see his girlfriend}
Good jobs, which she said she left, but actually was fired from.{One for embezzling $62,800–laundering it thru another firm, then into her bank account.} How shes not ended up in jail is a mystery to me!.
Good friends who finally got sick of being used.
Her Mum,{me} when she wouldnt step up with one apology for using nd abusing me for 30 plus years., and who is at least $10,000 poorer because of baling her out all the time.No longer!Also I got sick of being used, conned, cheated, and lied to.
What has she got now? A mountain of debts.
A room she rents in a shared flat.{condo}
No savings, no equity, no assetts, no partner, no retirement savings.
And she still thinks shes a special,superior, entitled being!
Mama gem.X

Ox Drover

TO BE—somehow i MISSED your post.

QUOTE TOBEHAPPY: “I see him as a “little boy” even though he looks like a football player. He was a cop and sometimes acts “tough” but I see an insecure softy deep down. He doesn’t have the lack of empathy”or remorse. He is NEVER abusive, ever. He lied about his financial real estate dealings prior to meeting me”which was the main thing I was upset about. He has a financial tie to a woman he lived with”.that he was friends with ”but not seriously involved with. I guess it was “friends with benefits”. THIS is what upset me. He came clean with that last time around.
I think that he has had some ’repressed’ sexual stuff going on from his strict upbringing with his grandmother”and his mother abandoning him. This might account for his strong sex drive. But, i don’t think he was cheating on me. When I pulled away from him several times and ended it”.I can’t say for sure if he dated other women”.he told me he just went out for dinner and movies. But, when we were together”I never caught him.”

Gosh, what a pity play, boy has he got you suckered. I have never in my life seen anyone make as many “excuses” for a guy in my life.

“i think he has some repressed sexual stuff”

“his mother abandoning him.”

“This might account for his strong sexual drive.”

“insecurity softly deep down.”

EXCUSE ME WHILE I PUKE–I’m sorry, 2B but this is more than I can stomach. 🙁 But you are an adult and you can make your own decisions about who you have a relationshit with or not, but I don’t really think there’s much reason to discuss the situation any more. You seem to have made your decision to have a relationshit with this guy. Good luck. I think you are going to need it.

lesson learned



EXACTLY what I was thinking but was a bit more “soft” than you are being right now!!!

tobe, you just got the major skillet BIG TIME! I don’t always agree with Ox, I really DON”T, but in this situation, I DO.

tobe………….if you TRULY TRULY TRULY thought that what you’re doing is RIGHT, you would NOT have posted this today.

There is apart of you that is SCREAMING for reality amidst a bunch of wacked out lies by a spath whose got you buy the oxytocin.

I”m so DISAPPOINTED in you, particularly with your pontificating about what I need to do to stay away from my own spath.

That you’re so over it and healthy now.

YOU”RE NOT tobe!!! YOU ARE NOT! Because the MINUTE you think you have it conquered and are NOT susceptible to BULLSHIT out of man, is the MINUTE you get sucked right back into the vortex. He KNEW you wanted that watch tobe. This man is NOT an idiot!! Spaths KNOW what you want and need.

This isn’t even about his childhood and your pity for him, it’s about YOURS tobe!!


You would NOT have posted all of this bullshit if you believed it was TRUTH, tobe!!!

You gotta do what ya gotta do. I know that. Again, I can’t fault you. I’d do the SAME right now…but if anything you’re teaching me how VULNERABLE I am to the same BULLSHIT!!!

OMG. Seriously. OMG……………..

what a revelation and enlightenment tobe.


If I allowed ex spath into my life right now……….their frying pans would be bigger than OX’s!!!!!



I LOVE YOU DEARLY. YOU KNOW THIS IS A LIE…but this time it’s YOU telling it to YOURSELF.

Again, you would not have posted this here if you THOUGHT IT WAS TRUTH!


lesson learned

I’m referring to my CHILDREN and THEIR frying pans, tobe. THEY WOULD KILL ME!!!



There are several styles of dreams……..
Pipe dreams, Daydreams and nightmares…….

Any one of them ends the minute you open your eyes!

Your selling out for money.
Sell the watch and you accomplish the same end result.


Well, I read the comments that you all posted and I truly appreciate the concern everyone has for me.
I didn’t expect anything different…but I want to make it clear that I am not going back into a relationship with him at this point. And, I feel so strong and so myself around him….something I wasn’t the first two times around.
When we started talking again in July…I was really at peace with myself and I was taking it slowly…no sex. I felt great having him in my life…talking everyday…like I talk to my sister daily…same thing. I didn’t ever get upset until I had sex with him. Then I felt vulnerable and mistrusted him,etc. I was mad at myself for letting him back in as a boyfriend.
So, I confronted him with it. I didn’ t want to feel like friends who only got together to have sex…and do nothing else. And, he was shocked and upset and so he took time off from work to take me to NY and to go places and he bought me gifts. He realized that if he wanted us to be in a true love r/s, I wanted more. He was working alot to save for a new truck and so we didn’t see each other too much, but talked all day and I was fine with that. I had a lot going on in my life with my house and kids…but I liked knowing he was in my life as a friend.
I felt comfortable with our r/s.
When the “new year” came, I got mad at him for promising me a watch in Nov and not getting it for xmas. It sounds immature…but between him working so much and not treating me like a “girlfriend”…I was done. I wanted to be alone and not feel neglected.
Well, I gave it time …thought about it….and decided that he was pathetic to take me for granted. I wasn’t even angry or hurt…just wanted to be alone. I missed him…our friendship.
I wasn’t obsessed, didn’t even think about him a lot. I was at peace with my decision to just be alone and settle things at home (financial mortgage problems).
When he called, I wasn’t in a NC mode to get rid of him. I knew he was upset on how I just ended it without telling him why. We didn’t have a fight. He actually have me 3 gifts and then I left and never answered his call. After he cooled off from my discard of him…he called me and I answered.
I was actually writing on here asking advice on whether I should put closure on it and explain why. I felt like I was being cold and selfish and he did nothing to deserve it.
Well, now we are talking. I asked a LOT of questions that I never did before. We talked from 2 in the afternoon, until 10 at night. No physical contact at all. Not even a kiss. It was a nice night…I got a lot of answers…I was happy to be friends again.
Now, my xhusb was diagnosed as a true sociopath and was! He was abusive …verbally and physically and had to be arrested to pay child support.
My b/f always paid his child support when he got divorced. He was never abusive to his wife…and was totally different than my husband…which is why I liked him.
I saw that he was insecure even though he tried to hide it. He told me of his background…which was tragic and sad. I saw him as a person who rose above it…got educated…joined the air force…got a college degree…became a police officer…retired with a pension…and tried to keep his marriage together as long as he could. I KNEW from his upbringing…that he had issues. “I”have issues from my abuse also.
The only thing that upset me was that he witheld his financial problems that he had before we met. He didn’t think it was my business when we first met and so he didn’t tell me. I found out on my own…and thats what caused the problems. He finally told me the truth. Because he wasn’t upfront and honest with me…I thought he was a sociopath. I was always doubting he was…I just thought he was secretive and private.

He opened up and told me things that I was always afraid to ask him…a few days ago when we got together. I feel that I finally know him better than I ever did. I don’t think he is a “bad” person…a dangerous manipulative person. If I did, I never would have bothered to meet up with him again.

I am taking it lightly…as friends and seeing how it goes. I don’t think I am making a mistake, because I am NOT vulnerable. I’ve grown spiritually and I am strong.

Everyone’s situation is different on here. Some have had violence…cheaters….users….terrible con artists ripping them off.

I think I know my b/f by now. We are going to be friends and see how things go. I’m not fooling myself. I know how I feel in my heart. I care about him and I know he cares for me.
I have no plans to get romantically involved with him at this point. But, I have no need to cut him out of my life either.

Time will tell.


I am new to this blog and read it daily. Thank you all for the teaching you are giving me. I just had my first encounter with a sociopath and they have screwed me up emotionally. This will help me to read others experiences and thru thais and my hard work dealing with the trauma as my therapist calls it I will get over this. Thank you everyone and mostly Donna for this tremendous site

lesson learned


You’re bullshitting yourself and us too.

All of this is RE: BULLSHIT.

Healing takes more time NC than you’ve given yourself.


What I hope, tobe, is that when you find out MORE bullshit about him, that you come here and share it.

No one is shaming you here, nor are any of us going to (I dion’t think), but it’s CRYSTAL clear to me that you’re being bullshitted and bullshitting yourself. Having said that tobe, what the hell are you posting all of this shit for if you believe the BULLSHIT you’re buying? YOu wouldn’t feel ANY Need to validate it here, right? Not if he were a good man.

It isn’t about what any of US think, tobe. This is about YOU! this is about tobe doesn’t believe half the BULLSHIT she’s trying to tell us all here.

Tobe, you almost cross the road to piousness. A piousness that is nauseating. While you believe you’re doing and have done this and that to be healed and are “bullet” proof, you show nyou are NOT to be.

Beause any man that lies to you for ANY reason is not worth your time

your childhood is STILL screaming at you and you’re STILL listening.

YOu can’t bullshit me tobe. I know. Because if my exPOS were to come back and feed me the same LINES of bullshit that you’re getting now, as manipulative as he is, I’d be GONE……

I don’t blame you.

But I’ve also gone over your posts from the past here.

This is BULLSHIT, Chica. Bullshit you’re telling yourself and bullshit you’re allowing.

And you know it

Because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t post here at all. There’d be no reason to be.

At this point, I’m in agreement with Ox. This isn’t healthy for me. Not right now.

If you feel the need to engage, than go for it.

But I think you should know, that after the smoke is cleared and after the mirrors are broken from a childhood still screaming at your ass, we will be here for you.

I love you, tobe. And I’m very sad that you’re buying the bullshit.

He has you by the ass. And quite frankly, this is an EXCELLENT lesson for me. EXCELLENT!

It prepares me in case his newest POA doesn’t work out, or if he gets bored with her.

You teach me HOW what NOT to do.

And that is invaluable right now.

I love you, tobe.

Good Luck.


Ox Drover

Dear Jose,

Welcome to Love Fraud! Glad you are here! Sorry you have had a run in with a psychopath though. God bless.

lesson learned


Welcome. Feel free to post more when you’re ready. This site is a God send.





Why do you think I can’t just be friends with him?
I’m not expecting anything…just to talk to him…a companion to go to the movies with….etc.
Do you think that I will fall in love with him again?
I don’t think so. I love him as a person…like I loved several of my x’s after we broke up…even though I didn’t want to stay with them. I don’t want to get involved with him as we were before.
As long as I don’t have sex with him, I will be fine.


And he showers you with gifts and attention.


5) “Now, Faustus, must thou needs be damned?
And canst thou not be saved?
What boots it then to think on God or heaven?
Away with such vain fancies and despair,
Despair in God and trust in Beelzebub.
Now go not backward. No, Faustus, be resolute.
Why waverest thou? Oh, something soundeth in mine
Abjure this magic, turn to God again.”

–Act 1, Scene 5, Lines 1-8: Faustus to himself


I feel completely taken back by all this. Ok. you made your choice. You go girl.

But apologize to all the people who have suffered from relations
with real sociopaths and Psychopaths for the attention and comfort they have given you.

If you have trouble with your friend as you call him ( and it sounds like you think you have a pet on a string) I hope you can find your next relationship issue counseling at DEAR ABBIE!


Why do I need to apologize for being confused? I was a mess when I found out that he was lying to me two years ago! And, I’ve been honest about my hurt and confusion. I’ve also helped a lot of people here and encouraged them in many ways.

How does anyone on here know if the person they were conned by is a real sociopath or psychopath or not? We aren’t psychiatrists…..
Everyone on here has been involved with different degrees of con artists…liars…etc. Even the men I have been involved with are all different. My xhusband was a true sociopath…diagnosed professionally. My b/f has “issues” …even “I” have issues…but we are not sociopaths….

If I thought that he was a true sociopath, I would never have gone back with him 3 times. I’ve expressed my confusion about him several times.

Just because a person cheats or lies…does that make him a psychopath/sociopath?


If we throw around the Sociopath Label too freely we all lose credability.
Read your own words written in April 2010 below…..and you will find just where my frustration arrives from.

You freely slapped the label on all your family, husband and BF along with others…….
This only minimizes what I and others have fought so hard for……exposing and education about the dangers of a sociopath.

Do me a favor…..and keep your slapstick psychology under wraps, until you know more about the toxicity these people wreak in our world.

You have mentioned your wonderful relationship with your sister……currently……
And below…..she was basically…..the devil.
Same goes with BF.

Hmmmmmm……and you wonder where the problem lays?

Think tight on this one darlen……..

tobehappy says:
I can see both sides of the fence here. I have LOTS of experience dealing with Sociopaths. Too bad I didn’t know what I’ve been dealing with all of my life. I’ve been trying to “help” them and change them for MANY years”starting with my Socio mom”and my socio sister. I always knew that both were “sick” and unhappy, and I felt sorry for them”I did SO much for my sister AND my mother ”only to have them use me abuse me more and more and then stab me in the back! OVER and OVER. Then, starting at an early age, I began picking men who were THE SAME!!!
I ended up marrying the WORST socio ever of all of them and having 3 children with him.
Finally, after 7 years of marriage, I said to him” I took abuse my whole life from my mother and seven years with YOU, and I’M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE!!!!! I had ENOUGH!”
I divorced him, knowing I’d be on my own with 3 kids totally”no financial help, etc”It was SO difficult, but it was better than staying with him and letting him abuse me more and more AND my girls!! I did it! And, I’m still raising them alone!
Then after 7 years of raising them, with NO MAN in my life”I finally got involved WITH ANOTHER SOCIOPATH!!!

Ok, this is what I make of all of this:

I learned that all of them, from Mom, to sister, to b/f’s, to husband”..ALL of them are DAMAGED DISORDERED people, who are genetically damaged as well as environmentally damaged”.and they DON’T CHANGE!

My mom was 67 when she died of cancer in 2002. She was still abusive till the minute of her death! My sister is 50 and has NEVER changed! I cut her out of my life several times and the last time was recently FOR GOOD.

My Xhusb and b/f are STILL the same”both had similar backgrounds”both had father’s that were socios and both are going on with thier lives, using and abusing people”.and always will till THEY leave the earth!

Yes, I feel sorry for them”because all of them are in pain from their childhoods and genes”but they are all also EVIL and continue to hurt people over and over. They are ALL ALIKE in so many ways, especially using people over and over and also abusing them..and moving from one vulnerable person to another!

Now that I am AWARE and EDUCATED about this “mold”, I have CHOSEN to consciously stay away from these people as well as weed out newcomers I meet in my life who are like them. I have NO room for them in my life and do NOT want to deal with them ever again. If you aren’t “healthy”, I don’t need you in my life”thats my new philosophy!

Now, about ME. I have spent a year reading and leaving my last socio”getting reeled back in a few times”and now, as of February of this year”It’s over and I’ve been working hard on ME”to build my self esteem up, to get STRONG so that I can feel good and bring ONLY HEALTHY PEOPLE into my life!


(Report abusive comment)

Tuesday, 13 April 2010 @ 1:56pm


Well, I can tell you that my mother was abusive. After reading the posts on here…I can assume she was a sociopath. Again…maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she has a conscience. Maybe it wasn’t antisocial personality disorder! Maybe she was bipolar.
My xhusb is one. A professional told me he is. I believe he has no conscience.
My younger sister has been on disability for years. They say that she is bipolar. She has had many issues…over the years…drug abuse …when younger….suicide attempts back then….and she has been on various meds over the years.
When I was upset and hurt and breaking up with my b/f in 2009….I thought MANY people were sociopaths after reading on here. I don’t know if they really are…but if they were toxic to me….I couldn’t have them around me.
As I grew…got stronger…learned to love myself and set boundaries …..I started to let certain people back in. My sister was one of them. I realized that she has issues….can be self absorbed….but that she has a conscience. What hurt me was her lack of sensitivity when “I” was in pain. But, I realize now, that she loves me and my girls…she just couldn’t deal with it.
I think we all need to be careful in viewing everyone out there who lies, cheats…or cons people…as true sociopaths or psychopaths.
Just because someone that hurt us is NOT…does this exclude us from this board?

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