For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
EB
That is THE single most SWEETEST thing I’ve heard!!!!!
I absolutely love it. Made my whole day. I’m so happy for you. What a great way to tell the story too!
My son and I spent special time talking very deeply last night. And this is one I was concerned was spath. He held me while I CRIED and a big I love you Mom, you’re WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN DICKHEAD.
It meant more to me than anything. ANYTHING else. My son feels. He loves.
Looks like yours does too 🙂
SO happy for you EB!!
LL
Erin – your story warmed my heart. What a joy it is to have ‘kids’ like ours. Spaths will never know such deep joy which the simple things in life can bring.
EB,
I’m Crying here, so happy for you and your love.
That’s it, isn’t it? THEY are what matters.
I don’t know what I would have done without having my daughter. I was only able to have one kid but I always say, I got lucky b/c she turned out to be INCREDIBLE. I used to be so afraid she’d be “LIKE THEM”, my family whom I have had nothing to do with for 25 years. I did not let them see her b/c I was so afraid of their poison. Yet, she is a no nonsense, yet compassionate, kind, thoughtful, highly intelligent, adventureous, and FORGIVING (of her mom’s many mistakes!). She is my first true love, and has turned out to be my only true love. I am so blessed.
we are reminded over and over that our children are blessings beyond imagining.
There are people who denigrate the upcoming generation, but among them I see such stellar human beings all who have been forged by trials and have so much wisdom and depth because of those things.
They will by far succeed us, I have no doubt.
Thank you Ox Drover (or Oxy if I may). My story is just like many of yours, I was married for 13 years to a man I now recognize was (I believe) a psychopath. I fell into this site by googling that word when I was researching emotional abuse. After reading and trying to digest many books including most of the ones reccommended by people here, and also reading thru much of the archives, I came to the conclusion that a psychopath was exactly what I had been dealing with. Many of the things that I read here that other people’s P’s said to them were exactly the things he said to me. Things like – whenever he hurt me he and I got upset and cried, he would tell me that I was “just too sensitive”. Another thing he used to tell me all the time when I said that something that he did or said bothered me was “I’m sorry you feel that way, but your feelings are your own, no one makes you feel anything – you can change your feelings if you choose to”. I could go on for days posting things that he said and did to me, but that would serve no purpose now because I’m sure everyone here would know exactly what I was talking about.
The first (possibly two years) of our marriage went fairly well, and then (I know now) that I started to see tiny cracks in the mask he wore. (He wore that mask very well too because we had been involved with each other for over a year before we were married and I cannot remember seeing anything.) I was led to believe by his words and deeds that he was a good, honest, trustworthy, and caring Christian man, with high morals and character, and although he was a recovering alcholic (who had not had a drink in 12 years) and who had been abused by an alcholic father from the time he was small, that he had dealt with his issues through AA and counselling. When I did start to see the cracks, I attributed them to possibly the pain he suffered with as a child. I realize now that that’s when the brainwashing began – I have discovered that he twisted what he learned in AA and counselling in order to put a grain of truth and therefore doubt into my mind when he used what I used to call his “psychobabble” – where he tried to convince me that many of my beliefs and ideas were wrong. Just enough truth to make me doubt myself. And it got steadily worse and worse.
I used to be a very strong and independent person with high moral values and beliefs. I was a person who rarely asked for help unless I had first tried to do something myself and just could not. I was a loving and caring person who tried to help others whenever I could. All my kids friends used to hang at our house, and I still have casual contact with a few of them – they still to this day refer to me as their second or “other” mother.
But I can’t be like that anymore – it’s almost like I have no heart now. I feel like I cannot trust or love anyone. He has come between me and most members of my family (even one of my children for sure, and possibly the other as well). He has seperated me from almost all of my friends and my relationship with them, and the one or two that I still have, I find myself not being able to trust enough to confide in as I have no idea who he has charmed, fooled, or duped and who he hasn’t.
We are not together, I told him to leave last spring, and since it is my home, purchased by me before the marriage, after threatening him with the police he did, but under protest. I filed for divorce due to his adultery (which I found out about and he admitted to me and which broke this whole thing open) and I have refused any and all contact with him (except through our attorneys) since the summer of last year. I am and have been seeing a mental health professional, but it isn’t helping. (He has diagnosed me with MDD and PTSD severe enough that I cannot work.) I have the feeling that although he really tries to help, that he just does not really realize and fully understand what this man has put me through – he asks me why I am still letting his (P’s) actions bother me. How is it not supposed to bother me when every time he agrees to something, a few days later he changes his mind and the legal papers and cqlls from the lawyer start flying yet again? How is it not supposed to bother me when I know that I cannot even talk to my family about what I feel because I know that anything I say will go right back to him? He is still playing with me even through the legal system by constantly refusing to answer or skirting around answers to questions and not providing all the documentation that he has been asked to provide. My attorney has filed motions, but nothing gets done. I do have a fairly good attorney who I think understands some of what the P is up to (but not all).
I guess my point here is that although my head knows what is happening, my heart is still empty, and because I have no one to turn to to even listen and try to understand, I cannot even begin to try to find my way out of this darkness and pain. I know what needs to be done, and I am trying my best, but I feel that every time I gain a tiny bit of ground, his manipulation and games tactics knock me further back than where I was. I feel that no one that I have loved cares anything about what is happening to me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me – I just want someone that I love to listen and give me a hug or tell me that they will be there for me. I don;t leave the house much, I break down in tears often and I don’t want to be out around people when this happens, so I just stay home.
To tell you the truth, I want to just delete this “mess of words”, but I have a feeling that if I do, I will start down a road to destroying myself that I will not be able to come back from. I apologize to you all for this confusing mess, but this is what it’s like in my heart right now. Please forgive me for not making a whole lot of sense.
Silver, EB and Kimmie,
I can relate to what Silver is saying….it is disappointing when we see someone “blackslide” ( or what WE perceive as back sliding) because we do invest in others and that is normal on our parts.
However, I am realizing too that FOR ME to become angry at someone for “backsliding”–going back to their previous relationshit–is a bit like “enabling.” When you enable someone, or are in a co-dependent relationshit with someone, you give them your idea of how they should behave and if they don’t, then you become angry–(that is the “universal you” not anyone in particular) My egg donor became angry with me when I didn’t run my life and make decisions that she wanted me to make.
I became angry with her “after all I did for her” and she treated me badly.
She feels justified in being angry at me because I didn’t take her advice and do as she said, I became angry at her because she wouldn’t do what I wanted her to do. We both feel justified.
It isn’t about “justification” for our angry feelings, or disappointment with anyone who “backslides”—my egg donor had a PERFECT RIGHT to give her money to the psychopaths and even my P-son if that is what she wants to do. It is HER MONEY, she made it, she therefore has a RIGHT to do what she wants to with it.
I also have a RIGHT to no have contact with her if I think she is doing something that is harmful to me. (giving money to him)
I think it is a sheety thing to do for her to lie to me, when she pretends to be so “christian” but that is HER CHOICE.
MY choice is to refuse to interact with her when she behaves this way. MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE THOSE I INTERACT WITH.
People here have a RIGHT to whatever opinion is theirs, they have the RIGHT to be “friends” with anyone they choose and to say so on this blog. I also have the RIGHT not to interact with them if they post things I think are counter productive to a blog about healing.
I have recently been very disappointed in the “backsliding” of 2B here, and I told her so, and why, but I also realize I have NO right to be angry at her for her decisions about who she associates with. Even if he had pasted her in the mouth and she went back to him that’s her business, her decision and HER CONSEQUENCES. She is obviously, I think, not interested in anything I have to say about her decision, so I won’t discuss it any more with her until and if she is ever ready to really discuss it, which I think eventually she will be ready, but if she’s not, that’s okay too. I don’t have to interact with her and I have no right to be angry at her for the decision she made.
These situations come up here from time to time and I recall several women who posted here and said they were in VIOLENT relationships with men, and then got out and then went back….and I felt BETRAYED, or felt that somehow I had FAILED these women—but neither of these things is true. It is NOT my responsibility to save them, or to feel betrayed, or feel like a failure if they fail to act on the information presented to them here on this blog in general or me in particular.
Sure it is disappointing when you see anyone do something that is harmful to themselves, like drinking too much or drugging or hitting themselves in the head with a skillet, but whatever it is, it is still NOT my or your responsibility if they continue to do these things or if they quit for a while and then go back. It doesn’t mean what we said isn’t valid or that the advice we gave isn’t the BEST, just that they are free and legally and morally able to make their own decisions, good or bad…but THEY get the consequences as well.
If it is someone we love who makes these decisions, like our child or parent, or sister or so on, it is sometimes very painfully disappointing to see them do this and sometimes ruins our relationship with them as well, but even the people here on the cyberworld of lovefraud have some MEANING TO ME, and I care for them…but I can’t allow their poor decisions to wreck my own peace, and I won’t allow myself to feel angry or frustrated about it, I just have to keep the attitude it is something I CANNOT CONTROL, so I have to LET IT GO.
Jesus said there is more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over the 99 who are righteous, and I can see that, and I rejoice for every life that is saved here at LF, for everyone who does TURN AWAY from the abusers and stay away, and I am disappointed that percentage is not 100%, but we I think just have to keep rejoicing over those who do “get it” and change their lives, and not let the failure of 100% of the people here to change their thinking and actions. I think AA’s percentage is about 20% “saved”—so I’m not sure we could expect more than we have, and I’m not even going to guess on what that is, but I think it is “some.” And “some” is better than none, especially since I am one of the SOME lives it has saved.
Water + duck’s back = no hay to me….
I think Hens said it best: .
Ox,
WOW!!!!! What an incredibly powerful post!!!!!
I agree with you here and understand your perspective,which was a lot different than mine last night with 2be’s decision.
But you are correct about it. I think sometimes, when I care for someone and KNOW they’re about to blow it, it’s hard not to get emotionally involved. I think perhaps sharing with tobe how I felt and then letting it go would have been best. I also think it’s best for me not to respond to anything having to do with her reconciliation with someone who is a LIAR and clearly a manipulator, he’s also been abusive in the past to her. It triggers me way too much and is actually a hinderance to my idea about NC. I could easily see going back to mine at the early stages right now, but I won’t. That’s FOR ME, no matter how excrutiating it is. And perhaps I am very blessed that he’s got someone else. I don’t have to worry about it, at least not for awhile. I won’t say never here, because it’s too dangerous, but more like “one day at a time”. I think that’s all I can do for right now.
Tobe, I love you, but I will have to overlook your postings about him. I see where it’s going despite what you’re telling yourself.Perhaps there is another lesson you yet need to learn. I”ve gone back to mine several times. But at this stage in my healing, I am very much determined to MAINTAIN my NC. Reading your posts, I feel tempted to contact him. That’s not healthy for me
I hope things work out for you tobe. And when the situatoin falls apart (as it is likely to do), I will be there for you with bells on, even if it means you have to start over again.
LL
Dear Lostinthedarkness,
Thank you for your post, and I am glad that you put that “mess of words” on the screen….and it does help I think.
You are still dealing with the fall out of the FOG, and I can relate to the loss of trust in others, and even if they are NOT un-trustworthy, (which if they are taking tales back to him, it sounds like they are untrustworthy) being hoodwinked and betrayed by someone you trusted as much as you trusted your Husband is screwing up your own ability to feel you can trust your own instincts and your own self.
You might actually consider another therapist, sometimes you have to get someone who really DOES get it, and even if this one gets it, I think you have expressed some disconnect with him/her. Doesn’t mean they are not a nice person or even a good therapist, just that they are not right for you. I would talk to them about changing. Don’t feel guilty about asking for a change.
Yea the Psychopaths who are “dry” are called “dry drunks” by AA members and they are still toxic even if they are sober. Unfortunately I have known several who were TOXIC and have been problematic in my life in the work place. Unfortunately There are way too many of them in AA who “talk a good game” for me to totally trust anyone of them enough to seriously date or marry one. I know there ARE good folks in AA & NA, but my experience is not good with even sober addicts or drunks.
Keep on reading, taking care of yourself and keep on the road to healing! (((hugs))) and God bless.
Hi Guys~
thank you lostindarness for sharing.
In trying to take care of myself I saw my shrink today. he thinks I am depressed and is upping my effexor. I can’t believe how much meeting one of these charmers and finding out he was wearing a mask– has affected me. You know- when I was with him– I felt so happy that I figured if we stayed together- I would not even need an antidepressant! How could a person make me feel that way! yes- I obviously have an issue, but let me tell you– these spaths are powerfully perceptive– how he saw into me so quickly and knew what to do and say is now- terrifying.
I also went to the gym today for the first time in awhile and took the day off of work. Trying to take care of me. I have finished– as of today– my acting/composite cards that I had planned on sending to agents– to get back into my line of work/my love of life. Honestly–
I now have no desire. I feel as if I have been hit by a truck. And six weeks ago- I felt fantastic. This is unreal.
I will say– the exercise REALLY HELPED you guys– so if you are suffering– please just put some music on your ears and get moving.
I used to teach aerobics. I just had a flash in my head of how cool it would be if I had an exercise class for us survivors! For you guys! I would play songs like, “I Will Survive” and we would go nuts and get the poison out.