For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
Lesson Learned…I haven’t posted in a while, however I have been reading a lot. I hope that’s ok. I thought I had gotten so far in my recovery and was almost to the other side, but I had 3 set-backs, each a week apart, all in the past three weeks. My major emotion these days is the heaviest of anger. Anger that has taken me over and a kind I have never felt before. But I am not writing to speak of that at this time.
I am addressing this to Lesson Learned. When I first began to utilize this incredible site and outlet (only about six weeks or possibly two months ago), I saw a completely different “LL” than the one that I see now. You have come so far in your growth. I don’t know if anyone else has expressed this to you, but I am assuming that surely many have.
You seem so smart, so knowledgable, so centered and in touch with what is you, now. You seemed so scattered and confused and in so much pain and disarray. Everytime I logged on, I wanted to ask you where you were, because if you were close by, I wished to go to you, and literally, rescue and heal you, the best that I could. I had related to you more than anyone else, on the threads, although my experience was so short lived (9 months) as compared to yours. I remember having suffered the same abuse and as a result, the exact same affects, however, I did not possess the same scattered feelings of confusion, or should I say confused feelings. I think I had a better understanding, not that that matters, but in turn, I wanted so desperately to just go to where you were and hug you and tell you that I understand and that I think that I could help you get to the next step in your healing proccess.
Anyway, this is just to let you know LL, that I admire the strength I see in you, at this time, and it is astounding, how far you have come in such a short time. I am so happy for you and so very proud of you. Proud because the last time I was here, you were about to leave the blog. But it looks as if you had not. You hung in and worked through your stuff, or at least that part that was confusing and hard. I remember you seemed to have such a hard time accepting and understanding certain things. Now, I see you here, helping others with their journey and it brings “good” tears to my eyes.
That is all I wanted to express for now….
Many thanks! Love and Peace…
Eden
Eden
I’m blessed by your post.
This site is amazing for so many reasons, healing being one of them.
If there has been a post about changing my user name, I’d appreciate it. Ex POS is cyberstalking me.
I have to lay low awhile, guys.
I’ll be okay. I have therapy tomorrow. Hoping for a good outcome.
Bad night know he’s watching.
Petitie. Hangi n there. Will talk to you soon.
Nite.
LL
Have a great session tomorrow, and definitely change your name. I just changed ALL of my contact info in general, including phone numbers, email addresses, everything. Much peace in the past week since doing it. Absolutely do it. You will have no regrets. Even if the peace becomes that which is short lived, at least you will get a taste of it!
Goodnight…
Eden
I’ve been wondering for a while now.
petite, I think the mind heals it’s self, in it’s own time,
does that make any sense?
There have been people I have ruminated about for
a long long time, and then one day, poof, I realize
I didn’t think about them most of the day. That’s a good day!
It takes time, dear petite. It hurts.
I am accepting I can’t be with the fantasy man I wanted.
Why couldn’t it be real?
I know it’s not real. I might not think about him all the time anymore,
but I do feel a sense of sadness,
I’m now waiting for THAT to go away!!!!!!!!!!
That’s part of the reason I stay here at LF
you all give me strength to keep going!!
aloha traveller this is GOLD you’ve posted.
“I don’t know your story but this is what I say to questions like yours. We have all had breakups that were hard to get over. But have all your breakups and love disappointments caused you to scour the internet for answers? The answer for me is: No. The reason is: Abusive/Exploitive people hurt us in a way that is violating, destructive and extra painful.
I have never had PTSD for the end of a “normal” relationship.
An exploitive/abusive person can not be your friend by their very nature.
I have found over the years that many times when a person hangs on to a “friendship” with an ex, it is because they are still trying to get some need met by that person. It’s as if they will think” geee, he is insentive to my emotions as a boyfriend but now that we are just friends, he will be able to be sensitive and caring towards me.
If your Bad Man was abusive, exploitive, cunning, conning, or uncaring to you in your relationship” well, that is the kind of “friend” he will be too.
If you have anything left to lose, you will lose it in this “friendship.” ”
This DOESN’T HAPPEN with healthy people and those of us with vulnerabilities shouldn’t be near manipulators and users. Maybe they can get healthy in time, maybe they can’t, but there are people out there who aren’t unsafe and while you’re not healed enough yourself to be with exploitative people you really should avoid them, and there will eventually come a time when you wouldn’t even consider it. If you are going towards disordered people to fulfill a need then it is more about your lack of health than theirs.
Thanks schic,
yes, the mind and heart have to heal. I want the feeling to go away soon, but it keeps coming back. some days I am so much in touch with reality and the impossibilities of the dream, and then there are times where I feel so down, so sad, feel like I can give all my love to him, to make him change.
try to find joy and peace elsewhere, it works for a while and and then back come his thoughts.
thanks
petite
LL and Petite—BOINK!!! to you both! Unless you cut the EXCUSES about why you contact them or respond to contacts from them you are just going to keep the pain REFRESHED.
You are “renting them space” in your heads. Petite, I think part of your excuse to keep answering his e mails in a “polite” way is cultural, but at the same time, I think part of the “being polite” is BULL CHIT and is just your EXCUSE to keep on with the drama.
I don’t usually tell you “I told you so”—-but I am telling you that now, Petite, and I did—from the beginning I told you this man is NOT HONEST, NOT TRUSTWORTHY and now I want you to tell me why you must continue to answer his e mails AT ALL….and do it in a way that will convince me and the rest of LF that it is a good idea and will help your healing. Yes, you are right—there IS NO WAY TO DO THAT. You do not have to be “polite” to DISHONEST PEOPLE, just BLOCK his e mails.
LL, I didn’t tell you from the get go that your man was dishonest, but if I had known you I would have, so consider I told you so BACKWARDS! LOL Seriously, the tried and TRUE way to get out of these relationships and to HEAL with the least amount of pain, is NO CONTACT.
I’ve been there myself ladies, I’ve kept myself thinking I had to get in ONE MORE WORD or some freaking excuse about keeping up contact. So unless they are stalking you you don’t even need to know what they are doing or where they are—-and even then NO DIRECT CONTACT or speaking to them, texts, e mails, or anything else.
To keep on having contact is like cutting a puppy’s tail off an inch at a time instead of just whacking it off once and be done! So both of you! Think about the REASON you broke NO CONTACT (not the excuse) but the real reason and then realize it is COUNTER PRODUCTIVE. But just like with everyone here, you are both adults and you can make your own decisions and your own choices—-healthy or unhealthy. But you also get the consequences and Unhealthy choices will give unhealthy consequences and more pain. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you both.
Ox,
Ok, the bastard got my attention with five pissed off emails about his playing games with my IM. Of course, he said nothing in response, not surprised.
So, boinking myself over the head this morning I decided to COMPLETELY remove my yahoo IM and start it under an email address that HE is unaware of.
Ta da!!! And THAT made me feel REALLY good too!!
LL
Towanda, LL. Good for you. I think that THAT is the turning point. When we actually FEEL the empowerment of NC. That’s when we get it!
I knew for a long time that any contact with spath was self defeating, but I was compelled to tell him what a no-good, loser he was…just had to do it, and every time I did, we ended up back together. Maybe that’s why I had to do it. I wanted him to stay away and leave me alone, and I pined away for him, always hoping he’d make contact. Sometimes he did, sometimes I did. For 7 years we maintained a really sick and miserable partnership…on again, off again. And every time it was on again, I could count on the low slow gruelling ache of daily life with him, as well as the acute torture of it being off again.
The only way to ensure that eventually there would be no more pain was, paradoxicly, to endure the pain of ending it.
Going NC was the first time I experienced any control in the relationship, at all.
It’s funny, but we like to believe that raising hell, or telling them off, or putting our foot down, is taking control…not with these freaks. They are always in control, and I think they get supply out of our reactions to them. They know damned well, if they can provoke us, they still have us…and that feeds their ego’s….and even though we lie to ourselves about it, our own ego’s shrivel up and whither away, because it knows we are really only accepting the unacceptable.
I hope that makes sense. I am glad that changing your address gave you a rush of feel good about yourself and empowerment. Keep it up.