For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
2B, I think it would be really interesting if we could go back over your thought processes and discern exactly what was going on with you when you started to doubt your estimation of him as toxic, and when you started to feel that maybe you were a little too hastey in going NC. When and why did you start to think you had done him wrong by cutting off contact?
What was going on in your life? Why this huge shift in thinking? Can you remember what was going on in your mind? Your life? I’m sure that being afraid of losing your house might have something to do with it. Maybe your fear kicked in and made you feel like you couldn’t do it alone, and needed a knight in shining armour to rescue you. You didn’t post here, much for a while. Did you start to read a different kind of literature? Quit going to the gym. Were you especially isolated and lonely?
Remember: your best thinking is what brought you here.
Why on earth did you change your mind about this guy. I would love to see the thinking at work.
You know, guys the old you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink, you can lecture a drug addict or a drunk or a FENCE POST until you tongue falls off and what have you accomplished? Nothing.
I think the operative phrase here of 2-B’s is
QUOTE: “We are friends”we talk everyday now.
He is also helping me to try and save my home right now, which he did in the past. ”
So frankly, this is the last comment I will make about this situation, I am not going to waste any more of my valuable time on trying to save someone against their will…can’t be done. It is like trying to teach a pig to sing, frustrates you and pithes off the pig.
This is a PERFECT lesson on learning to take care of ourselves……..
And understanding we only have control over US!
Know when to hold em…..and know when to fold em……there is not enough ’emotional money’ in the kitty to keep playing a losing hand.
Hey, EB!
How much longer are you going to try to stay in the old house living out of boxes and take out before you move over with your kids?
It is spring time here 60s and 70s for the last few days and predicted the same for next week! CRAZEEEE weather. But did let us get some outside “honey do” projects done and some inside ones as well.
I went off my calorie portion of my diet yesterday and ended up eating way too many calories, but was almonds and sunflower seeds, and not too much sodium. I have LEARNED MY LESSON on the sodium. Did get a bread maker machine (borrowed from a friend who doesn’t use it) though and will see if I can make some lower sodium but yummy breads. This learning how to cook all over again is kind of fun really, so a new adventure in my life.
Sort of been a “slow” week though, I’m not “down” per se, just thoughtful and mulling over some things. I saw in Sunday’s paper where my X husband (not a psychopath, but a very troubled man) died…his father was a psychopath and I think my X husband was as much a victim of his father as I was a victim of my own sperm donor.
Dysfunctional and disordered people and the people who associate with them, become involved with them, suffer so much chaos and pain. The dysfunctional or disordered people are not happy, even if they “win” the game of control, and we know their victims are not happy, and the misery that is spread like TYPHOID MARY spread her germs is just unreal sometimes when you think about it.
I see things now, looking back in retrospect, at my relationship with my x husband and his family that If I had known 1/100th of what I know now, I would have handled things differently—but I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I didn’t know how to handle it if I had known the words for it.
Too soon old, too late smart!
Ain’t it the truth!
OH MY ~! If I ever go back to ‘M’ I think I will keep it to myself…But that ain’t gonna happen. I am gonna step out on a limb here – this is a blog and we dont really know the whole truth about anything a blogger says – we listen and try to decern what’s going on – but in the end we only read one side of the story….maybe there are peep’s here who come off as the victim, but if the truth were known – well you get my drift….This is also like back when I did alot of bargaining with “M” – I would take him back – sometimes out of sheer desperation to stop the pain. I was even embarrassed to tell friends and family I had taken him back because I had been telling them what a monster he was…But he was very convincing – that was before I really new what he was all about..
Dear Hens,
You are right in that we only know one side of the story.
We also have to keep in mind too, that the PSYCHOPATHS WE DEALT WITH PRESENTED THEMSELVES AS VICTIMS IN MANY CASES TOO.
The Pity ploy is a classic psychopathic trick as many of us found out.
Many, not just a few, dysfunctional relationshits are between what I call “gasoline and fire” people–one will maybe be a fully formed psychopath but the other one is either a lower level psychopath or just a high level dysfunctional person.
They take TURNS ABUSING EACH OTHER and the lose of the two goes off and presents themselves as a VICTIM to their next victim. And in fact, they did get “beaten up” either physically or emotionally or financially by the other one in their relationship, but it is a case of GASOLINE AND FIRE getting together and EXPLODING.
I admit I did some dysfunctional things in my relationships, and handled things VERY POORLY in dealing with the psychopaths, and I admit that I also was an enabler in many relationshits—but I DID LEARN FROM THESE bad decisions and I am changing my ways. I am able to SPOT enabling more easily now. I am able to SEE when someone is dishonest now and NOT over look it or make trivia out of something serious.
I no longer feel or think that I have to put up with someone else’s shait! Just like the deal with my (now I guess X) Best Friend’s husband or her snarky comments either. I do NOT have to put up with them and I will not. I am also not going to play any more games with her of “let’s just pretend none of that happened” and go on “playing make believe.”
With people I don’t know very well or people I deal with at a check out stand at wal mart’s, I may not even bother to confront them being snarky, probably won’t, but you know, for people who are “close” to me, I’m not going to feel like I have to walk on egg shells around them.
I used to know a woman when I was a kid and if she got ticked at you, she could give you the BIGGEST CASE OF LEAVING ALONE YOU EVER SAW. I’m starting to be more and more like her as I get older.
BTW Hens, darling, if you go back to M, that will not be a cyber skillet I swing at you, but a real cast iron one! LOL
hey Guys,
How are yall doing?
My SIL rang the other night,long involved sob story that my spath daughter had given him exactly $400– since the beginning of last December.{He now has FT custody of the 3 kids., and has had for the lst 3 years.} They have been separated for 5 anda half years, but still not divorced.Thank God hes working full time, but hes having difficulty raising them all on his own, and basically paying for everything.he told me, “She says,I put the $200–into your account,-” and day after day goes past till it becme obvious to him the money HAS NOT been put in his account. She does this a ll the time, and it pisses him off.
I told him,
“If her lips are moving, shes lying”.Which is true she is a bad liar, as she forgets her own lies.
He no w has to go to Child support to try to get them to garnishee the money each month from her wages. But she only does like piece work now, no steady job since she embezzled $62,800- from one company. I couldnt understand how she got away with this, so I asked him.
Well, as he and she were both Directors in the company,=a kids magazine which is now sold, he was owed $15,000 but as they are still married, he had to basically pay the debt, so they took $10,000 from what they owed him! she was “let off” with $12,800, but to date theyve {the receivors}received only $3,000 from her in 3 years.Before the mag was sold, she was stripped of her Directorship, shares, etc,{which werent worth squat anyway.}
I feel very sorry for him, but I suspect this IS a “gasoline and Fire” relationshit , as he is still smoking pot, ciggies, and could afford to take his GF to India last July!WTF? Now he tells me he is owing credit card compnys ,over $45,000, and is trying to get a consolidated loan so he can have all his debts paid off in 4 years, {he will be 50 by then,}For the last 5 years hes only been paying interest on them, no principle.
Im beginning to think he isa F–wit and a loser,despite all his probs with spath daughter, he is to blame for these messes too.
Despite me feeling sorry for him {and I do,} I feel he helped get himself in this awful mess, she didnt do it all by herself.
I suspected the phone call was in desperation, so yesterday I send him a cheque for $200– hell I have no wish for him to be evicted from his rented place. he told me hed never ever accept money from me, but I said in a nor,”This is for the kids,not you, so PLEASE dont return it.”
Thats it tho, I cant do this any more, and i certainly wont be giving her any more cash, I havent done so since I went total NC with her last June.{2009}
What a mess.
Love,
Mama gemX
geminigirl,
I agree – the SIL doesn’t sound like he’s good with finances. He seems to be under a lot of stress. Kudos to him though for being the sole parent, doing his best to provide for them.
Gem – you had me giggling and chortling at your CLARITY and humor (f-wit…hehe), until I got to the part about your enabling your spath daughter by proxy. ahem. don’t trust him gem, he’splaying you, too. using those poor kiddies to manipulate you. bust him.
Mama Gem, BOINK!!!! you are gonna get the name of “PUSH OVER GEM’ if you are not careful!
He doesn’t have the kids to call you for a thank you after you send Christmas or birthday greetings and gifts and he has time to take the GF to India, but NEVER TIME TO DRIVE THE KIDS TO SEE YOU.
In the future—if you want to see the kids PAY HIM to bring them to see you. But don’t give him any freebie money!
I used to blame my X DIL the psychopath for all of my son C’s and her financial problems but I realized finally that he was JUST AS MUCH RESPONSIBLE as she was. He works but spends unwisely.
Going on holiday when you are only paying the interest on your debts is NOT WISE SPENDING…I never could figure out how people who had brand new cars, bigger and finer houses than mine, and made less money than I did and went on great holidays always seem to be BROKE’R N Job’s Turkey! If they had a flat tire they had to borrow $5 from me to get it fixed and couldn’t pay it back till next pay day.
Wait a minute, I just figured it out! I only spend what I can afford to spend, and I buy necessities first and toys last, and I put back a bit for a rainy day! Hummmm, might be something they should think about.