For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
lesson learned
Hey all.
Gem, I hear ya but BOINK!!! LOL!!!
You’re a caring heart. And I know when it comes to my grandchildren being in the mix, it makes it TEN TIMES HARDER not to want to GIVE! I DO I DO I DO!
EB? YOu need money? I’ve not read that far of the posts yet, but I hope you’re okay?
I need money to join the gym. Gonna make it happen too.
Interesting therapy session today.
Ox, I learned yet another lesson last night. I was so pissed that he was popped up on my IM again and then when I told him to PLEASE block and delete me, I Got NO response, IGNORED
Is he right?
I told him…………I think the MOST evil thing this man did to me, was when I told him to stop a particular behavior that was very painful to me………..and like last night, when I asked him to stop he kept doing it MORE……..
It’s the MOST evil thing you can do to someone. Because then it’s premeditated it’s MEANT to hurt you….on how many other levels did he do this to me that are now just coming to my awareness?
This, IN MY OPINION< is the MOST evil thing another human being can deploy upon another.
I would appreciate your feedback. Ox, thanks for the boinking on the head. I might need a few more before it's all over.
LL
lesson learned
oh WOW, I don’t know what just happened and I’ve NEVER seen that happen here before but half my post, in the middle was lost when I pushed the post button? Great. Now my post sounds completely stupid
lesson learned
EB
There is this UNBELIEVABLY cute guy on my fb, a friend of my son’s who is 24. He is nothing short of AWESOME!
BUT OMG!!! I could NEVER see myself with someone that much younger than me, so you HAVE to be younger than me, chica!
But boy…………..I don’t mind looking and chatting on occasion 🙂
LL
lesson learned
Hey all.
Gem, I hear ya but BOINK!!! LOL!!!
You’re a caring heart. And I know when it comes to my grandchildren being in the mix, it makes it TEN TIMES HARDER not to want to GIVE! I DO I DO I DO!
EB? YOu need money? I’ve not read that far of the posts yet, but I hope you’re okay?
I need money to join the gym. Gonna make it happen too.
Interesting therapy session today.
Ox, I learned yet another lesson last night. I was so pissed that he popped up on my IM again and then when I told him to PLEASE block and delete me, I Got NO response, IGNORED. I wrote about five emails in disgust and pissed off. As I thought aobut it today, before when he put me on his friends list, I would think it was because he loved me and wanted to chat or, if we were fighting at least watch what I was doing or if I was online or not. If I think of him as the sociopath he is, the motive is different. He didn’t say a word to me…but yet he put me on his messenger list AGAIN? WTF? He probably just got on to talk to new gf. He use to do that with me too when he wanted me out at his house to set a time or whatever. Maybe that was the only “reason” he was on, but then why have me ON THE LIST AGAIN? To get a reaction. I don’t matter, he’s very focused on new gf right now, has not been on his dating site for quite awhile, nor anything else on the net….so why? TO get a reaction. And that’s all. Nothing more. He knows how I react and which buttons to push. So I got rid of the yahoo. Small price to pay to try to win back my sanity. It messed me up all day, took me ten steps completely back. Covert abuse. Now I understand completely, COMPLETELY why NC is so necessary. It wasn’t hard to let go of my yahoo when I realized that.
I told my therapist today that all of this is coming to a painful head for me. I’m seeing on how many levels I was completely violated. My therapist gave me an example of manipulation. I fell completely to pieces. Completely. I knew it was bad, but the way he said, really drove home just how bad it was. He also shared with me what sexual abuse means. And he firmly believes that happened here too. There is a deep sadness and pain here now understanding the extent to which I was violated.
My therapist said something to me that was very profound, I thought,..he said, “the BIGGEST lie that is ever told to a client by an abuser in my opinion, is the lie that DENIES that person’s FEELINGS AND REALITY. It is premeditated SOUL murder!
Is he right?
I told him——I think the MOST evil thing this man did to me, was when I told him to stop a particular behavior that was very painful to me—”..and like last night, when I asked him to stop he kept doing it MORE—..
It’s the MOST evil thing you can do to someone. Because then it’s premeditated it’s MEANT to hurt you”.on how many other levels did he do this to me that are now just coming to my awareness?
I’m struggling with what is real and what is not. He messed that up in my head. I took so much bullshit, allowed so much, that reality lines were skewed and any healthy behavior was out the window. It was all gone. I gave up my TOTAL power to this man and feel completely soulless.
Have any of you ever questioned your reality when you were first out?
Did you ever wonder if what happened to you was even REAL?
Was there is intensive, incredible sadness as you started to put the pieces together?
This, IN MY OPINION< is the MOST evil thing another human being can deploy upon another.
I would appreciate your feedback. Ox, thanks for the boinking on the head. I might need a few more before it's all over.
LL
ErinBrock
I would say he’s proly 40…..and I KNOW hens…..your shoes are proly older than that too!
Why can’t I pick up on the coffee table guy????????????
I know his family……he’s got a great sister………He loves his mom……he’s divorced…….he’s cute…….
AND I LOOKED LIKE SHIAT!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yeah…..the ladder was the biggie!
ErinBrock
LL
If we have no expectations of others……we can’t be disappointed.
Rule #1…..Never ask what you want from a spath……find another way.
Rule#2……See rule #1.
hens
I am out of here – you always get me in trouble….
Ox Drover
EB, Keep in mind the CL killer guy! Did he buy the coffee table?
Hun, I have all these HUNKY YOUNG GUYS who are my son’s friends, and you know….I look at them and LUST IN MY HEART, but they have NOOOOOO idea that anyone as old as I am could LUST, they just think because I am old everything is dead below the chin, but BOY are they wrong!
Eye candy! Yep! That’s what they are.
At least you are normal EB and that’s great! Just be careful with folks coming over and you there all by your self.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
EB and Hens!! 🙂 🙂 just like old times!
you guys give me some of the fun that the lying piece of crap evil *c* spath did.
no offense intended.
she was very funny.
and oh SO very odd.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
yay, did he buy the coffee table?