For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
goodnight skylar
Petite,
I wil begin with a quote I took from Aerin addressed to LL, that is just what I would say to you, myself. Once you read it, you may scroll down to see what my present situation is. It is the same as yours and LL’s. I do hope I can be of help to you, as per your request.
“You question about your reality when you first get out. That’s what they do”turn your life upside down so you don’t know what the truth is. You know the truth now!!! That’s so important in your healing. Knowing it’s not real, they aren’t real. That’s when you can really start moving on. You have no idea how happy I was when I found out my ex was a sociopath. I had all the answers!! Cut off all the contact with him. BLOCK everything”that’s what you have to do. That’s YOUR POWER!!! His girlfriend is just another victim. When I found out my ex had another gf (before I knew he was a sociopath) you have no idea how I felt”of course you probably do know how I felt. I cried my heart out. How could he do something like this to me. The pain was so hard. Hang in there. Setting boundries is the best thing you can do. You are the lucky one”not his gf. Quite frankly”she’s the unlucky one!!! Like you told me”you’re being blessed. You are slowly going to heal yourself”and a new & improved, happy LL is going to emerge from all this darkness, pain, & craziness. Just try to remove yourself from the situation. That’s what I did”I took myself out of the equation. It’s the best thing you can do!”
I did exactly what Aerin did. All of it! My Psychopath, has a new girlfriend. She was there before my relationship with him ended, and to make matters even more obscure, abstract, he was, and still is married. At first, he told me he was single, not married. Then one day as I was questioning him about some things and he proceeded to tell me that he was married but going through a divorce. I will leave out most of my story, but will tell you that, at the tail end of the relationship, he was with his wife, his new victim and me, all at the same time. Of course none of us knew it at the time. I figured the whole thing out and cut it off with him. From that very moment, I have had NO contact what so ever with him. I was only in the relationship for 9.5 months, however it was 9.5 months, too long and he did a real number on me and my mind. Unlike most of the survivirs on this sight, I despised him from the moment I figured him out (late in October), So I have not had the longing for him as many victims here, have had, or still do. I have gone in and out of intense anger, guilt (for not warning the wife and new victim) sadness over the loss of myself. I have been doing therapy for the past four weeks and it has been most helpful. Last week, I changed all of my contact info because three weeks ago I received thre phone calls from three additional victims he had acquired. two before me and one right after me, not including the one he acquired while still with me, which he is still with. After the three disruptive calls, I got a call from the new girlfriend/victim stating that she was starting to have “some real concerns about __ __, and would I mind meeting her to talk for just a bit. I fell for it thinking that I would be of help to her, which I would have been most happy to do, however she was manipulated by the P, into thinking I was the purp and he was my victim and when I got to the meeting place, she shoved a letter in my face that she/he accused me of writing, however I told her I do not right letters siuch as these and noted that it may have been written by one of his many other victims. She was combative, rude and errogant (sp?). That set me back, but only took me two days to get back to where I had gotten previously in my healing process. Last Thursday, the P’s wife, who I had never met, showed up at my office, unanounced, to speak to me. My receotionist paged me to come to the lobby, I was greeted by a woman who asked, if was __ __? I said yes, She asked if we could speak somewhere in private. I took her into my conference room, and as I was opening the door for her I asked her if she was the wife of the P. She said yes. After offering her water or tea, we sat down and she said “I am here to tell you that I know that you were duped and deceived, and I forgive you”. I burst into tears, as I had carried sao much guilt for withholding the information I had. She was amazing. So brave, corageous, understanding, kind hearted and loving. I didn’t ask her any questions, Although she offered her time so that I could, but I just wished to listen and to answer her questions and to give 100% of my attention to her and her needs. She has been married to him for 25 years. Can you imagine? This pitiful little man/devil. I read a post the other day on a different thread where a poster referred to her P as Satan Ambassador. Ever sinse, I have referred to My P as the same. I hope she will not mind. It just fits his sorry ass so perfectly!
I was almost to the tail end of my ill feelings and obsessive thoughts. I felt as though I was at the tail end of my entire recovery. I remember thanking God every day, when I passed the hurdle of pain-free, obsession free days. Weeks in a row, of a rare 2 second thought of him maybe once or twice, throughout the entire period of time. Nw three set backs within the past thre weeks. Five if you want to separate the three phone calls. Since the wife came in last week, I have been back to almost square one. So you might imagine how filled with anger and frusration I am. But I have gotten off track, Petite. I am sorry. It happens sometimes. All I can say is I got to the other side and felt what it was like and it was amazing. I know I will get there agoain, and so will you and LL. Just chant what Aerin has stated above, and above anything else, do not have any contact what so ever with the P/S/N. I am glad I spoke with the wife. She deserved my attention, my time, some answers. She was kind and gentle with me and I couldn’t have done it if she had been in a different frame of mind. I would not have been ready for it. Just as I was not ready for the aweful interaction I was tricked into having wit the new victim. I shouldn’t have taken the calls either. I was so eager to be of help to these women but they were all so forceful and intense and rough. I wasn’t ready to be treated like that just yet. I am not yet healed enough, within. The wife was incredibly kind and gentle. Not to sound selfish, but I did not want to go over the edge all over again.
I do hope I have not written to much. Sometimes I get going and I don’t know when to stop. My apologies. I hope I have helped and not made things worse, Petite. I can assure you. It does get so much better. I just had set-backs recently, but it had been great for a couple of months, truly!!
I hope I have been of some help to you, and I would be more than happy to help you some more. If you have any specific questions, please do ask!
Goodnight (or Good Morning)…
Eden
Petite, our messages crossed paths. I just read yours. The behaviors of your N were exactly as my P’s . Really, almost to the T! Only difference is No cultural differences, however mabe you were saying that you did not have them either. Everything your N did to you and your head, my P did to me. We shall talk more, and please feel free to ask or express anything you wish. I got off easy in the STD department. I contracted NOTHING. I thank God every day for that. I have had every test in the book, and not one symptom. My doctor who knows my story, says that I am THEEE luckiest person. I do know this and I am grateful beyond words.
Eden
Eden, that is really a heartfelt post you wrote to petite
and I really felt some healing through your experience.
You sound like a beautiful loving person, which must be why
you were targeted by such a toxic person.
Stay strong like you are, and yeah, don’t take anymore calls!!! 😀
Hi Eden, Schic and LL,
Thanks so much Eden for such a thoughtful post so late at night. I will read and read it and keep Aerin’s advice to LL in mind. I will write more to you on the weekend. Thanks, you have been a huge help and all of you try to keep me on track to stay focused and out of the fog.
Schic – when do you sleep (smile). I see your posts late at night, makes me feel good that someone is still up , while it is my day here. I do await your advice.
LL,
forget whether he is N or a P or a S or a jerk.
read these 3 posts and you will know the label does not matter.
1 ) When He’s Just A Bad Dude
Thursday, 26 August 2010 @....... 10:54am
2)Radar not only for the sociop but for the wrong person
3) Cutting ourselves some slack.
All are in the Archives by Steve Becker.
Now this whole thing about – can they change, will they change, who will change etc.
IT DOES NOT MATTER, LL, the dude was bad for us, we have to find a way out. He was not sensitive to our pain or tears, how can he be good relationship material. He did not change for his wife/wives, and you think he will change for us.
There is so much for us at stake and after seeing the red flags – their callous lack of concern about our feelings and reality, if we still keep on the magical thinking of a change in him, then we are the biggest fools.
will write more on the weekend.
thoughts from LF readers.
petite
Found this on the internet…..Thought for Today
Thoughts have great power, they are like seeds you plant in your mind.
The more you hold onto a particular thought, the more power you invest in it. Positive thoughts give us energy and strength. Negative thoughts rob us of power and make us feel tired and strained.
We are by nature positive. Negativity is the result of faulty thinking. You can change if you want to. You can’t control other people, situation or circumstances, but you can control what is going on inside you. It takes time to change and transform those old patterns of thinking.
Be patient with yourself. It starts with a thought….. Today!
Dear Candy,
Thanks for those thoughts. Great food for the mind and soul.
I heard one on television last night but can’t remember who they quoted as saying it.
“It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your mind.”
I got to thinking how true that is especially with the psychopaths, and how we give them “outposts” in our mind.
Thank you shabbychic,
For your sweet words and advice. I can promise you that I will not be taking anymore calls. It feels better than I knew it could to have completely different contact information. It is like a “fresh start”. If the wrong person or people get a hold of it, so be it. I know my boundaries, limitations, and what the affects of trying to help the wrong kind of person can do to me, at this time. I do appreciate your input very much.
Have a beautiful day…
Eden
Petite,
I am glad that I could be of help to you. You are most welcome… You sound like a very wise and strong woman. As if you will get through your process sooner than some. I do wish you even more strength and happiness.
Have a wonderful day (night?)
Much Love,
Eden
Candy and Ox Drover,
There is nothing like coming across posts such as the ones you have just left for us, at just the right time. I wrote both of them in my journal, word for word, to take with me today, hope that’s ok…
Thank you, and Have a great day…
Eden