For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
Dear Eden,
LOL of course it is, glad to be of service. Most of what I post is something I read somewhere anyway. I heard that quote last night on TV and they actually said who first said it, but I can’t remember who it was, but I thought WOW! That is just how it is with the (psychopaths) “enemy” we fight, we give them OUTPOSTS in our mind!
When I read Candy’s “thoughts for today” I also copied them to reread, and it brought to mind the one I had heard last night!
Good, thoughtful, thought provoking wisdom, all! Glad I was able to pass on the wisdom of someone else.
🙂 Thank you, Ox. Off the subject just a bit, I tend to over analize most things… How I see it and I wish not to come across as negative, is this: the outposts are not GIVEN to the Psychopaths. They, to me, are taken by them, and we must reclaim them and rid them of Psychopaths, if I am explaining what I mean in a way that can be understood. Who of us really do allow them in? But I know that this way of thinking causes me to need the expression within your wise post even more than most. I am working on acquiring more power within my mind, and over my thoughts. What you gave us, here is so simple and easy to apply. I will be chanting between meetings with clients throughout the day.
Thank you!!
E
Eden
I so appreciate your posts. I read the long one from last night. You speak with clarity and wisdom. I need BOTH right now.
you were VERY blessed to have had that interaction with your P’s wife. I always so admire those here who get that validation. It DOES help to heal. Even if it’s somewhat painful. I’ve said a few times here that I wish I could speak with exPOS wife. Ohhhhh the stories, I’m sure, but that isn’t possible.
So I just read these stories and see the similarities to my own situation.
Validating my own experience is very tough. I’ve been through this before, NC. Last time was for three months. I’m not there yet, but I do remember the intensity for wanting contact. I still couldn’t believe he is what he is. I could not accept it. Perhaps part of my issue is that I stayed because I believed people can change. That I would miss out on something if I didn’t keep trying. I knew it was fruitless towards the end, but ………it is that VERY thing that was the tie that had me running back to him each and every time.
I”ve not seen him since early December. March will be month three of being separate from him. But not emotionally.
Seems as the days go by, it’s more excrutiating being away from him and the fantasies of what I wanted him to be versus what he is, increase. So this time, I’m working on countering those thoughts with the REALITY of what he was…..and question myself extensively when the thoughts come up. WHy the HELL would you WANT to go back to this bad man?
Keeps me away.
LL
I have a lady friend who is 75, she is the classiest lady I have ever know. She was married to a narc/spath for 26 years, has four kids. She had remarried a wonderful man who died 6 years after they married. But still her xpos haunted her and made her crazy by manipulating the kids etc. When I met her 20 years ago she was still struggling with what this pos had done to her. Fast forward to about five years ago when I was dealing with my encounter..Her trying to help me shed light on who and what her x was. She saw me decend into hell and offered advice that I could not understand. But by her helping me and what I have came to understand has helped us both. She has a bf now a hunky marine in another state they have a wonderful relationship.. She is full of life and always upbeat…But my point – she’s say’s her Xpos has left a hole in her life that she will carry to her grave – there really is no closure but she is able to see him for what he is and he can no longer hurt her..point is get on with life – except this has happened to us and carry on – mostly we must work on ourselves and not focus so much on the spaths – we can not give them more than what they have already taken – trying to figure them out is futile – sorry for rambling I just want you fine ladies to move forward…..
Hens,
Not rambling. We need those thoughts and wise words of yours. I personally have never tried to figure mine out, and I have never for a second thought that someone such as him would ever change. He is not someone I would ever consider once again, being associated with, however we are in the same business, in the same city so we are bound to run into eachother at some point but I now have a plan for that if it is ever to happen. I can’t worry about it.
Your words are very impoertant for LL and some others here, to take in and really adhere to. The P/S/N is evil. That has to be believed. They will never want good for anyone but themselves. They must be left alone. Become part of the past. Never again to be seen, thought of, etc. There is nothing to try to figure out. Nothing more to think about in regard to them. It was the worst of all terrible experiences that we had the misfortune of having occur in our lives. We must move forward, in a possitive direction for ourselves and in turn, our loved ones and even our planet, in general. They have no place within our minds, our society, our world. There is nothing salvageable about them or any kind of relationship with them. They are an evil entity, and to me, inhumane, unhuman. Period.. End of sentance.. The End…
But I do understand deeply, what LL and some others are experienceing here and I do not think lightly of and will not down-play their struggles. They are very real and intense and valid. I wish to help in anyway that I can. Just as others here have helped me in ways that I cannot express. I am still going through much, myself. Esecially with all of the anger I still possess and wish to get rid of.
Keep on Keepin’ on…
Love and Peace to you,
Eden
Exactly hens!
“So fill up that life with living ”“ every day” ”“ ”..
Such sound advise (if in fact I interperated it correctly). And no matter how hard it is to live by this, the words you have written, above, we must force ourselves… our minds to think in these terms to get us past having any of the other thoughts that arrise… It may take some of us more time than others, but we all need to do the work, talk the talk, walk the talk and walk the walk.
Eden
Hens,
I understand what you’re saying. I believe it will come, but I think part of the healing portion is to accept where I’m at in my process. I wish I could hurry it up, but I can’t. It just is what it is right now.
Hi Eden,
been a while. Nice to “see” you.
Read in today’s ARkansas-democrat-Gazette page one, a short article about a POLICE MAJOR IN MEMPHIS TN, NAMED STANLEY A. EASON, who was in charge of the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE UNIT…he was charged with a felony aggravated assault after he allegedly pointed a GUN AT HIS WIFE ON VALENTINE’S DAY…..
Now if that ain’t the psychopathic VALENTINE’S GIFT OF THE CENTURY!
Here’s a link to about 15 articles about Major Eason!
http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2011/feb/16/mpd-domestic-violence-supervisor-makes-initial-cou/
This article had an added detail the Arkansas paper didn’t, and that was that the wife was sitting in a parked car talking to a male “friend” when her husband drove up and told the man to put his hands up at gun point and the wife “fled”–even if he did catch his wife in an affair, still no reason for the gun play!