For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
Hi Skylar…
So nice to see you as well! I hope all is going well with you. May I say that you had been one of the greatest inspirations to me, when I first arrived a couple of months ago. I don’t log on very often, however when I do, I am hopeful that I will run into you. You had helped me in many ways, to understand many things, and how to begin to move forward in my healing process. I will always be affected by that. Thank you for you!
Eden
(((((Hugs))))) Eden! That means ALOT to me, that some of my pain helped someone else too. xxoo
You will soon find out, Eden, that I’m a bit of a rebel, here and everywhere I go. My methods are somewhat extreme but I’m determined to develop a spath-proof armor, no matter what it takes.
Skylar,
your exreme methods are much needed, and it seems as if your “spath proof armor” is quite developed, already! You are one of the most knowledgeable people I have come to know, and you just happen to have a great, quick witted sense of humor that makes for all of this to become quite entertaining at times, as well. Something we all need as much as we can get our hands on. There is nothing like humor to dilute the other stuff! So thanks for that, too!
(((Hugs))) back to you…
E
I don’t know if we are allowed to make suggestions such as this on this sight, but I thought I would tell who ever might possibly benefit that I started taking three types of homeopathics, two days ago, for my lingering anger, and it is really doing the trick for me. I felt a difference yesterday, by about mid afternoon, which was not even 24 hours after starting to take the little pills. From the time I awoke, today, I have felt so free of my normally constant looming anger about him and what he had done, which I had acquired about three weeks ago. In case you happen to be interested, I am taking the following:
1. Lycopodium Clavatum 6c
2. Nux Vomica 6c
3. Chamomilla 6c
These are not perscription medications. They are products of Boiron Homeopathics, and are sold at any drug store or shop that sells natural remedies. They are working really well for me. Normally I take Chineses herbs for any ailments that may arrise from time to time, as homeopathics have not been as effective for me personally. However for this particular issue that I have had, the homeopathic remedies have been a perfect match. I take all three, together, three times per day. You must follow the instructions if you do not have experience with homeopathics. You can not touch them, as you can other medications, so they come in a particular type of bottle whch allows for you not to have to handle them. Not a big deal at all. Just ask a practitioner or read the directions on the bottle, thoroughly.
Love and Peace,
Goodnight…
Eden
Eden,
OH NO!!
My ego EXPLODED! It got too big from your wonderful complements!
LOL!
I gotta go pick it up now….
(((((Eden)))))
Actually, thanks, you know what? I’ve been really bummed out lately and needed your words. Lots of painful growth in the last couple of weeks…
The truth is that after an encounter with a P, it’s HARD to overcome it. Don’t know if you ever saw the movie “Serpico”
It’s old, it stars Al Pacino. It happened in the early 70’s, I think. Serpico was a young man who always wanted to be a cop. He wanted to be the “good guy”. The other cops hated him and he was attacked and almost killed by his own fellow cops. To this day, he suffers PTSD from that episode. His life would have been worthless if it wasn’t for the royalties from the book and movie.
What I mean to say is that, it’s still not well understood HOW sociopaths destroy. They are literally “soul-killers”. Their own souls are killed and they want to spread it. They target those of us with extra-good souls. It’s up to us to learn how to survive and heal. This is a new area of exploration. Thank God for Donna’s web site.
Sky
If we can’t understand HOW sociopaths destroy, isn’t it somewhat frustrating as well as validating?
Who can truly understand what it is to have cancer unless you’ve had it?
That’s a poor analogy, and this is worse in some ways, because rape of the soul, I think, is more difficult to overcome than someone fighting cancer with tons of love and support….cancer is an “evil” per se……..
But the deviousness and evil behind a sociopath is only understandable, I think, by another sociopath.
How can we understand, truly, what this illness is if we don’t possess it within?
I guess the closest I could come to understanding what it is to be this deviant and evil, is the experience of having had my darker side tapped into by a spath………the difference is that I could get out of it because I had a conscience.
He never can. He never will. And there is the split. The fragment. of the personality he has and the relationship that ultimately saves us because we CAN”T fragment. We aren’t evil. We aren’t without conscience.
RB
Skylar,
I do know that I will never be the same person that I was, before him. This is my biggest struggle at this time. It is where all of my anger and sadness lies/stems from. I feel like the me that I really liked is gone. I was so purely happy-go-lucky, carefree, free thinking, easy-going with constant smile on my face. I knew no evil, personally. I had no concerns, and all of who I was was in tact. I took what was me for granted. Who would have ever thought that you could possibly be put in a position where you would one day have to look back to remember what was you. Who does this to others? Only the evil ones. I was robbed of my soul, my freedom of naturally happy thoughts, my focus, my innosence, my very essence and my entire being. Some days, I feel as though there is only a shell left, of what was the “real” me. I know that I will fully recover, however I know now that I will never be the same person that I was before him.
XXXOOO,
Eden
Eden,
It does feel like you will never be the same because of the relationship that betrayed you. And that is a kind of weird feeling that provokes a lot of self introspection about who you are, who you were or who you are going to be doesn’t it?
What if we turn it around a little bit and see that this is a tremendous opportunity to reflect and to grow?
You would evolve or change anyway. What if we look at the opportunity to evolve consciously? To design and pursue your best self?
Over and over again I think I kind of drifted into a bad relationship by not having been more alert to myself in the course of events.
I would have been different by now anyway no matter what. Life is full of changes.
To me it ends up being like cleaning a closet. First you empty it and then you decide how and what to fill it with.
Come and In the Fire of Spring
Your Winter Garment of Repentance Fling
For the Bird of Time is on the Wing
And the Bird has but a little way to flutter.
(Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam)
Dear Silvermoon,
I sit here and read and re-read and ponder your above post and I think each time….WHAT A WISE WOMAN. HOW WELL SHE STATES THE POINT.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us Silver—posts such as the one you made above is what keeps me coming back to LF day after day. There is so much wisdom here, and you are one of the great vendors of some of the BEST OF LOVE FRAUD!
Ox, Eden, Silver,
I hope to be where all of you are someday soon.
I’ve not given up one thing that exPOS could not take.
My hope.
RB