For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
Dear Blankspot,
Thx for the link!
🙂
it was fun and it actually DID help my perspective a tiny bit.
As many couples look forward to this day…to this night, here I am hiding again wishing this day never existed. Today is the third year I have called in sick. As many couples in love with each other celebrate this day, it is nothing but a bitter reminder to me of all the lies and deception that man did to me. I hate this day. I hate my life. I wish I was never born. I wish I was dead!!!
(((((Deceived)))))
ToBe
you described my exP in some ways.
I too could see the vulnerable little boy underneath it all. Normal people don’t create that desire to take care of them the way spaths do. It’s a look of hurt or vulnerability that they naturally have. the green river murderer had it. my exP had it. you see glimpses of it.
I too wanted to have us date other people, but he didn’t want that so I agreed, (but he was screwing 12 year old girls while I was at work and trolling for hookers at night)
I NEVER caught him cheating, I was only told about it 25 years later by his friends.
My spath also had mother issues.
my spath also promised things and didn’t deliver UNLESS I actually left him. But the abandonment was a narcissistic injury that required revenge and that is when he went into full stealth attack. He poisoned my food, he convinced me to buy a house and live with him and then began to destroy me day by day. Completely under my nose and under my radar.
You will have to do a test in order to know what he is.
Gray rock ONLY works on spaths. Normal people don’t even notice gray rock. If you are boring, the sociopath will freak, he’ll wander, he’ll run. Try being boring for about 2 weeks and see what happens. only talk about boring things, show very little emotion.
You know all the red flags of spaths. If you see them you will know what he is. I’m not going to tell you to run if he’s a spath, that is your decision. But I will tell you to FIND OUT if he’s a spath. You need that information for your own safety.
((Deceived)),
I hate this day too. It was dreamed up by a sociopath to make people who have sociopaths for mates or ex-mates, feel bad.
People who are actually in love don’t need a day to celebrate it. They celebrate each day.
So skip feeling bad and refuse to participate in sociopath day.
Dear Deceived,
((((deceived))))) Sugar I am so sorry you feel so bad today, but I can tell you IT WILL GET BETTER—just think of it as having cancer and what you are going through now is CHEMO THERAPY. It makes you want to puke, makes you want to die, but if you hang on until the treatment is done, you will be healed. You will be WELL.
I know it is really painful, just like chemo is painful to the patient (can you tell I am a medical person?–well, retired but still medically minded!) but it is something that you have to go through in order to heal.
Another analogy. You are SURROUNDED by a ring of fire and the only way out is to head directly into that fire and THROUGH it. But once you emerge on the other side, you will be somewhat singed, your hair scortched and your skin painfully blistered, but you will start to heal. If you don’t face the fears, face the pain, you WILL die. Emotionally and/or physically.
I know all that sounds tough and it is tough, and believe me I have lain on the floor in the fetal position crying my heart out without a desire to live as well and I know there are others here that have experienced extreme pain as well. I’m glad now though that I didn’t die. I’m glad to get up each day now. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you.
This is so off topic, but I am struggling with the ability to see all the comments after certain articles. I wonder if after a certain amount of entries the comments just get cut off for me. Because where before I was able to comment, now there is no comment box. And where I have previously commented, and I can actually see that people have responded after me on the left hand side bar, I can’t see those comments when I click on the title of the article. I don’t get it! So since this is the first comment box I have been able to find in a little while, I’m posting this question here in hopes that someone can tell me the secret to reading the comments that get posted after I have posted myself. I love this place though!
(((((((((((((((((( Deceived ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I so get where you are right now. If I was there, I’d give you a huge, BIG BIG BIG hug………..I’m crying writing this, for you…….I soooooooooooo understand.
This holiday is TORTURE for those of us in this kind of pain. I avoided the store until just a little bit ago. I didn’t go anywhere except to take my son to school, the doctor and home. I stayed here. Talked to my daughter on the phone…..
It still doesn’t take away the intensive grief and pain.
I”m soooooooooooooooo so so so sorry you’re hurting. I’m SO sorry, Deceived.
I wish there was something I could do to help relieve your pain.
I feel like I want to die too, Deceived. This, by far, is the most painful experience of my entire life.
But if you can just take my hand…..we can walk through this together………..
BIG BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!
LL
BeAware,
sometimes the threads get so long that they won’t load anymore for me either – then I get a partial load, like you described. it’s especially bad on the nights when lots of us are logged on.
Perhaps that is what you are experiencing?
Hi everyone, Happy Valentine’s Day!!
I was wondering what you guys mean by “gray rock”. I’ve seen it referenced on this site a few times, but don’t get the full meaning.
This day sucks so bad. Ughh, but I’m thankful for my health, my family & friends, my beautiful daughter. I’m just scared to death because I have so much responsibility on my shoulders right now. I’m trying to start my own business so I can provide a good life for my daughter & I. Her loser, dead beat father isn’t going to help me support his own daughter. It’s so weird because sometimes I have so much animosity towards him for everything he has done (and not done). And then other times I feel sorry for him. What guy in his right mind would do what he has done. Throw away his beautiful baby and her mother like they are nothing. I guess it hurts so much because I grew up with happy, loving parents that gave me & my sisters a beautiful life. To think my daughter doesn’t have a father like i had hurts so much. BTW – both of my parents are deceased. I just can’t stand him. Everybody thinks I should start dating again, and eventually get married and have the life I always envisioned. It’s just so hard. I’m trying to get my own life in order. I was left holding my precious baby with no means of supporting of her. I’ve been living off my savings, but they are slowly dwindling away. I have my resumes sent everywhere. I am just so scared. It would be one thing if it was just me, but I have a baby to care for. I just have so much resentment because I never in a million years thought something like this would happen to me. Especially after having my first baby. Life seems so unfair.
Hi Everyone,
Valentines Day is the day he left. My once Valentine was a narcissist.
I think he wanted to wait till it was a day that would make a lasting impression. When he left I finally sighed in relief, had he stayed I would have died, he would have killed me. He hated me with all his might, I annoyed him that I was strong, he wanted me to crumble, and he wanted to see it. He was the worst narcissist ever.
During my 20 years with him, he love bombed me to no end. He used my parents, my kids, my siblings and whoever meant alot to me. He knew that the more he did for them, the more I admired him, and of course my family thought the world of him. In 20 years, I loved him, but I could not connect, there was something not right…I always shrugged it away as being “me”. I guess it all accumulated inside, because little by little some things did not make sense. So one day about 3 years ago I started asking questions….it crumbled my marriage, my 20 year marriage disolved in 9 months. He has now been out of my life for 2 years, has not seen his two teenage kids 18 and 14 and could not care less about them. He just discarded them, just like that.
When I came home today, my kids had a card for me, dinner ready, desert, and the house was clean. I was so happy to have such wonderful kids, I am so lucky to have them, and to be able to raise them decent. They have no use for their father, and they make a point of making a good life for themselves. They respect and treat me very well. I started dating last year, and met some really different types of people. I have a hard time trusting, but I started to like a guy about 3 months ago, but after looking at his actions very carefully and listening to my spidey sense, I broke it off, something was not quite right. When I broke it off he said “After all I have done for you !” Well, that was the phrase that confirmed that I had done a good thing. And of course I asked for advise on this blog with you all, and you confirmed that something was fishy with this guy, you were right. So, here it is Valentines Day , I do not have a problem being alone, my kids are my life, and I am so happy to have them, and to be able to guide them without the crazy father. Valentines is a day for me to remember alot of hurt, but it reminds me that its the day of hearts, and my ex narcissist did not have a heart. So to all my frieneds on this blog, Happy Valentines Day, lets celebrate that we do have a heart, and they do not.