For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
silvermoon
Yes Skylar,
Drama is the thing. The world IS a stage and we are all actors on it.
I hope NOT to win any awards for my own supporting role to THAT one!
Ox Drover
Dear EB and Sky,
I DO KNOW MYSELF and sometimes I STILL DON’T BELIEVE IT! LOL ROTFLMAO
I still laugh ab out my new therapist having me bring in documents and a witness so he could believe my story and that I was not a paranoid NUT JOB! LOL
My parole attorney guy was the same way until I mailed him the documents and then he said WITH AWE IN HIS VOICE—“Your son is really a BAAAAAD MAN!” Well, like “YAAAAA, THAT’S WHAT I TOLD YOU!” LOL
So actually the fake minister not believing me wasn’t any really big SHOCK a while back, but on the other hand, I knew he was pretty narcissistic and a jack ass when I met him 20+ years ago, well….actually… closer to 30 years ago.
But you know, the thing is….it doesn’t matter if anyone believes us except ourselves. Not really. I actually thought it mattered if others believed me, but for the most part, it doesn’t matter about the truth if YOU are the ONLY one that believes it. The truth is the TRUTH if no one believes it.
Now, that doesn’t mean that there won’t be CONSEQUENCES of others not believing the truth, there well may be consequences to you of others not believing your story as truth, but it doesn’t change the TRUTH of your story. That is hard to accept too, at least it was for me….and I so wanted someone to BELIEVE ME (well, besides son D, he always believed it) but now that I am becoming more aware of my strengths it doesn’t matter so much whether others believe it or not.
skylar
Oxy,
I told my parents about your story. It was very effective. The truth of how crazy your life can get when your own kids are psychopaths is slowly sinking in for them. Too slowly for my tastes but it’s better than nothing.
Their problems are two-fold (at least). One is that they are narcissists who really need to CONTROL their kids. The second is their own attachment to their kids. Perhaps that is the same problem.
I’m beginning to understand that growing up means letting go, as painful as that may be. Any time we grab hold of something and refuse to let go, we limit our growth. Even if that something is our parents or our kids or our beliefs.
Eva
Skylar, i find this statement of yours very wise
“I’m beginning to understand that growing up means letting go, as painful as that may be. Any time we grab hold of something and refuse to let go, we limit our growth. Even if that something is our parents or our kids or our beliefs”.
But also the beliefs? You mean the beliefs that were not really ours and were a load not the truly good moral principles, i suppose.
skylar
Yes, Eva.
The beliefs that we must stay in a marriage or any relationshit that doesn’t make us better. The belief that keep us from doing what’s best for us because others make us feel guilty.
Eva
I absolutely agree Skylar. But maybe is because i want to become a hippy 😀
No, not because of that. I agree.
lesson learned
Skylar.
Very profound. You’re growing a lot. I see it a lot in your posts 🙂
RB
skylar
Thanks Roses, I know how I have to think, I just can’t always think that way.
Eden
Silvermoon, RE: Your post @ 10:44 AM
You are so incredibly smart and insightful. I love the idea of having the opportunity to create my future self. To have/take control of it. I choose to look at the affects in this positive light, when the thoughts occur of what he took of me. This is fantastic, really!
Thank you for your insight and for addressing this to me..
Lots of Love,
Eden
Eden
Skylar,
I am glad that you found my post about the homeopathics and that you have them in your cabinet. Today is day three and my anger is still rapidly fading to dust. Almost gone today, but I dont want to speak too soon. I am very grateful, thus far, however.
Hope you have been having a good day. I just logged on, and have not yet had a chance to catch up.
Love,
E