For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
Aerin,
miracles happen. your baby is one of them. Your new life is another. It’s going to be okay. Tell us about what kind of work you want to do. Maybe someone has some suggestions that might spark an idea for you.
Gray rock is a term I came up with to explain how to drive away a sociopath. A complete stranger saved my life by explaining to me that my spath was a spath. He said you can’t get rid of them, they will stalk you if you run and they will fight you if you fight. They love the emotional responses, the more you fight them the more they come after you. It’s the thrill of the hunt and the chase. He said, “be boring. if he asks what you want for dinner, say you don’t care. how was your day? the usual.”
It’s like playing dead, but your emotions are dead not you.
Then I came up with a way to describe it as “gray rock”. Be as dull as a gray rock. You pass gray rocks all day long and you never notice any of them, do you? They’re everywhere but I’ll bet you can’t describe even one that you saw today. So that’s how you have to become to get rid of a spath. Spaths don’t SEE boring people. Boring people become invisible to them. If there supply becomes boring they become very anxious and finally leave. They feed off your emotions, it’s what they want.
It’s like a mouse that plays dead so the cat will go away and end the game.
The long cut off posts… oh well, maybe I’ll be able to see them tomorrow.
Aerin: Oh do I know how you feel. How could they throw away so much. And my husband not only threw away a wife and five children (two of which he gave to me from his previous victim) he managed to lose for us about 90% of the possesions that we owned, plus our home, our land, our stinkin dignity, you name it! When I think about the times when things were a little bit better, when we had a place to live and running water and electricity, when I see the pictures of our beautiful home and our clean cut kids… I know that things were still very difficult, but we were ALL pretty willing to deal with the strange mental difficulties he presented to us, so long as we could just straight up LIVE!
When I tried to leave him years ago for the simple fact of the matter that he was abusive, or a cheater, or did not manage to return home after work ended… I thought it was simply a matter of if only he could appreciate what he had. But now I have no doubt that he doesn’t actually possess that ability. To the point that he would seriously leave us to starve, suffer and die.
These people do not know that life has value. They only think of themselves. They know nothing except the self-pleasuring need that promises to block out their intense fear. We may have been slaves to them for months, years, but they might be a slave to this unknown emptiness forever.
Skylar,
Thanks for clarifying that for me. I kind of had a jist of what you meant, but now I fully understand. It’s funny because that’s how I act around my ex, like I don’t care. The funny thing is too, he hasn’t bothered me. So it’s good not having him stir up trouble in my life. Bad, because he’s the father of my child and should be an active,happy participant in her life, but she is defintely better off without him. He has so many problems, drugs one of them, that it’s not even funny. I can’t believe the man that I first started dating and was so happy with is now this shell of a man, drug addicted, loser!!
I know my baby is a miracle, a beautiful blessing. I still can’t believe God gave me this child and all of these horrible circumstances surrounding her. I always thought that when I had kids I would be married and would be able to stay home with them. But they aren’t my circumstances. I’m starting my own vending business – chic hair straighteners you place in trendy nightclubls, bars, restaurants, gyms, etc. I’m doing the vending business because it’s relatively low maintenance and I can spend more time with my daughter. You have no idea how much it hurts that I’m not going to be able to stay home with my daughter. Anyway, I also have resumes out for different sales positions, since i have experience in real estate, and the earning potential is pretty good. I was also an activities director for a mental health facility, go figure. Sooo…I don’t know. I just think I was blessed with this beautiful baby with no means of supporting her. So scary, but I know God will provide, some how, some way, he will provide. Thanks for your kind words!
Be Aware,
Thats SO TRUE. My spath daughter,{47 in July.} hs thrown away;
Her home,
Her husband,
her kids,{her husband,{still not divorced after almost 6 years,} now has FT custody of them, but she babysits her OWn kids in HIS home weekends, so he can make a booty call on weekends to see his girlfriend}
Good jobs, which she said she left, but actually was fired from.{One for embezzling $62,800–laundering it thru another firm, then into her bank account.} How shes not ended up in jail is a mystery to me!.
Good friends who finally got sick of being used.
Her Mum,{me} when she wouldnt step up with one apology for using nd abusing me for 30 plus years., and who is at least $10,000 poorer because of baling her out all the time.No longer!Also I got sick of being used, conned, cheated, and lied to.
What has she got now? A mountain of debts.
A room she rents in a shared flat.{condo}
No savings, no equity, no assetts, no partner, no retirement savings.
And she still thinks shes a special,superior, entitled being!
WTF??!!
Love,
Mama gem.X
TO BE—somehow i MISSED your post.
QUOTE TOBEHAPPY: “I see him as a “little boy” even though he looks like a football player. He was a cop and sometimes acts “tough” but I see an insecure softy deep down. He doesn’t have the lack of empathy”or remorse. He is NEVER abusive, ever. He lied about his financial real estate dealings prior to meeting me”which was the main thing I was upset about. He has a financial tie to a woman he lived with”.that he was friends with ”but not seriously involved with. I guess it was “friends with benefits”. THIS is what upset me. He came clean with that last time around.
I think that he has had some ’repressed’ sexual stuff going on from his strict upbringing with his grandmother”and his mother abandoning him. This might account for his strong sex drive. But, i don’t think he was cheating on me. When I pulled away from him several times and ended it”.I can’t say for sure if he dated other women”.he told me he just went out for dinner and movies. But, when we were together”I never caught him.”
Gosh, what a pity play, boy has he got you suckered. I have never in my life seen anyone make as many “excuses” for a guy in my life.
“i think he has some repressed sexual stuff”
“his mother abandoning him.”
“This might account for his strong sexual drive.”
“insecurity softly deep down.”
EXCUSE ME WHILE I PUKE–I’m sorry, 2B but this is more than I can stomach. 🙁 But you are an adult and you can make your own decisions about who you have a relationshit with or not, but I don’t really think there’s much reason to discuss the situation any more. You seem to have made your decision to have a relationshit with this guy. Good luck. I think you are going to need it.
OX,
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EXACTLY what I was thinking but was a bit more “soft” than you are being right now!!!
tobe, you just got the major skillet BIG TIME! I don’t always agree with Ox, I really DON”T, but in this situation, I DO.
tobe………….if you TRULY TRULY TRULY thought that what you’re doing is RIGHT, you would NOT have posted this today.
There is apart of you that is SCREAMING for reality amidst a bunch of wacked out lies by a spath whose got you buy the oxytocin.
I”m so DISAPPOINTED in you, particularly with your pontificating about what I need to do to stay away from my own spath.
That you’re so over it and healthy now.
YOU”RE NOT tobe!!! YOU ARE NOT! Because the MINUTE you think you have it conquered and are NOT susceptible to BULLSHIT out of man, is the MINUTE you get sucked right back into the vortex. He KNEW you wanted that watch tobe. This man is NOT an idiot!! Spaths KNOW what you want and need.
This isn’t even about his childhood and your pity for him, it’s about YOURS tobe!!
STOP THE INSANITY!!!
You would NOT have posted all of this bullshit if you believed it was TRUTH, tobe!!!
You gotta do what ya gotta do. I know that. Again, I can’t fault you. I’d do the SAME right now…but if anything you’re teaching me how VULNERABLE I am to the same BULLSHIT!!!
OMG. Seriously. OMG……………..
what a revelation and enlightenment tobe.
I LOVE YOU!!! I REALLY DO!! BUT I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS IS BULLSHIAT!!!
If I allowed ex spath into my life right now……….their frying pans would be bigger than OX’s!!!!!
THEY ARE WATCHING YOU AND ARE DISAPPOINTED!!!
YOU”RE LYING TO YOURSELF TOBE!!!
I LOVE YOU DEARLY. YOU KNOW THIS IS A LIE…but this time it’s YOU telling it to YOURSELF.
Again, you would not have posted this here if you THOUGHT IT WAS TRUTH!
LL
I’m referring to my CHILDREN and THEIR frying pans, tobe. THEY WOULD KILL ME!!!
LL
Tobe:
There are several styles of dreams……..
Pipe dreams, Daydreams and nightmares…….
Any one of them ends the minute you open your eyes!
Your selling out for money.
Sell the watch and you accomplish the same end result.
Well, I read the comments that you all posted and I truly appreciate the concern everyone has for me.
I didn’t expect anything different…but I want to make it clear that I am not going back into a relationship with him at this point. And, I feel so strong and so myself around him….something I wasn’t the first two times around.
When we started talking again in July…I was really at peace with myself and I was taking it slowly…no sex. I felt great having him in my life…talking everyday…like I talk to my sister daily…same thing. I didn’t ever get upset until I had sex with him. Then I felt vulnerable and mistrusted him,etc. I was mad at myself for letting him back in as a boyfriend.
So, I confronted him with it. I didn’ t want to feel like friends who only got together to have sex…and do nothing else. And, he was shocked and upset and so he took time off from work to take me to NY and to go places and he bought me gifts. He realized that if he wanted us to be in a true love r/s, I wanted more. He was working alot to save for a new truck and so we didn’t see each other too much, but talked all day and I was fine with that. I had a lot going on in my life with my house and kids…but I liked knowing he was in my life as a friend.
I felt comfortable with our r/s.
When the “new year” came, I got mad at him for promising me a watch in Nov and not getting it for xmas. It sounds immature…but between him working so much and not treating me like a “girlfriend”…I was done. I wanted to be alone and not feel neglected.
Well, I gave it time …thought about it….and decided that he was pathetic to take me for granted. I wasn’t even angry or hurt…just wanted to be alone. I missed him…our friendship.
I wasn’t obsessed, didn’t even think about him a lot. I was at peace with my decision to just be alone and settle things at home (financial mortgage problems).
When he called, I wasn’t in a NC mode to get rid of him. I knew he was upset on how I just ended it without telling him why. We didn’t have a fight. He actually have me 3 gifts and then I left and never answered his call. After he cooled off from my discard of him…he called me and I answered.
I was actually writing on here asking advice on whether I should put closure on it and explain why. I felt like I was being cold and selfish and he did nothing to deserve it.
Well, now we are talking. I asked a LOT of questions that I never did before. We talked from 2 in the afternoon, until 10 at night. No physical contact at all. Not even a kiss. It was a nice night…I got a lot of answers…I was happy to be friends again.
Now, my xhusb was diagnosed as a true sociopath and was! He was abusive …verbally and physically and had to be arrested to pay child support.
My b/f always paid his child support when he got divorced. He was never abusive to his wife…and was totally different than my husband…which is why I liked him.
I saw that he was insecure even though he tried to hide it. He told me of his background…which was tragic and sad. I saw him as a person who rose above it…got educated…joined the air force…got a college degree…became a police officer…retired with a pension…and tried to keep his marriage together as long as he could. I KNEW from his upbringing…that he had issues. “I”have issues from my abuse also.
The only thing that upset me was that he witheld his financial problems that he had before we met. He didn’t think it was my business when we first met and so he didn’t tell me. I found out on my own…and thats what caused the problems. He finally told me the truth. Because he wasn’t upfront and honest with me…I thought he was a sociopath. I was always doubting he was…I just thought he was secretive and private.
He opened up and told me things that I was always afraid to ask him…a few days ago when we got together. I feel that I finally know him better than I ever did. I don’t think he is a “bad” person…a dangerous manipulative person. If I did, I never would have bothered to meet up with him again.
I am taking it lightly…as friends and seeing how it goes. I don’t think I am making a mistake, because I am NOT vulnerable. I’ve grown spiritually and I am strong.
Everyone’s situation is different on here. Some have had violence…cheaters….users….terrible con artists ripping them off.
I think I know my b/f by now. We are going to be friends and see how things go. I’m not fooling myself. I know how I feel in my heart. I care about him and I know he cares for me.
I have no plans to get romantically involved with him at this point. But, I have no need to cut him out of my life either.
Time will tell.
I am new to this blog and read it daily. Thank you all for the teaching you are giving me. I just had my first encounter with a sociopath and they have screwed me up emotionally. This will help me to read others experiences and thru thais and my hard work dealing with the trauma as my therapist calls it I will get over this. Thank you everyone and mostly Donna for this tremendous site