For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
Bella…I did the same thing with my xhusb/socio. We were separated and right before the divorce….he came back crying…etc. I was smart enough to say..”ok..lets go talk with a professional. I wouldn’t even TALK to him until we were sitting in front of a therapist”. Thank God, because this doctor told me privately what he saw. He told me he has NO conscience and I should RUN. I didn’t know about “sociopaths” then or this board. I listened to him and my lawyer too, who saw that he was evil too. I went through the divorce and then I really saw the truth. omg.
Believe me…my emotions are in tact and this man cannot manipulate me or suck me in. I know what I want in a man, what kind of r/s I want and once I get my life settled again…(possibly moving and starting fresh),….I will be ok.
I am continuing to take care of me….dieting and exercising..taking care of my children..and my health.
I don’t believe that he is an evil person. I don’t hink he is a sociopath or psychopath. I wasn’t sure, because he kept things from me the first year we were together. I know he has issues from his childhood, and he admits his faults.
I will not get psychically involved with him unless I totally trust him and things change and we are in a committed love relationship. Period …the end.
Right now, we are friends. No benefits.
well, if you went to an AA meeting and started trying to convince the other members you didn’t have a problem with alcohol you’d be laughed out of the place. You would be gently reminded that it was no mistake that you ended up in meetings. Then you would be directed to step 1, which is an admission of powerlessnwss. In your case, powerlessness over the relationship with friend/boyfriend. It is also an admission of unmanagability, which was quite obvious from your first post here. Absolute pain, and dispare.
Then they would reaquant you with the second step, which is all about denial and the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different result. It is about the lies we tell ourselves that allow us to remain active in our addictions. The old, “this time it will be different” knd of thinking.
For some time you’ve been trying to convince us you had step three down pat. Not so. You are up to your neck in a relapse, and trying with all your might to justify it.
In AA they say,”the door swings both ways” which means that sometimes we need to go back out there and do more research…or work on improving our storys, but the door will always be open for us to return.
Here’s one I heard recently: While I am in a meeting getting stronger and wiser, my disease is doing pushups in the parking lot. It’s patient!
I found that in your last several posts you move between the friend/boyfriend designations indescrimantely, which tells me YOU ARE CONFUSED.
Also, I believe that you are thinking that if you only manage this situation wisely enough, you will get your way. It’s still about controlling the outcome, and BSing yourself into thinking you can. NO NO NO.
It is nothing for a man to tell you he wants an exclusive relationship, by the way. That way he hooks you into exclusion, BS’s you into thinking he’s exclusive, gets you to drop your sexual guard, and then he still cheats. Think about that.
Is is possible he’s not a spath. Yep. Entirely possible. Is it possible that you don’t have issues surrounding men, relationships, sex and love. No, not in my opinion.
This is not a good move on your part, but the cyberscreen shines on both sides. Good luck.
Sorry, as if I hadn’t already said enough….but I wanted to agree with Oxy and LL about the poor injured little boy hook. The tough act, oh my. If the insides don’t match the outsides you’re in for a long confusing ride. He’s got you conned, my Dear.
One of my own rules for myself is: be catious of any one in law enforcement, especially cops. Who would choose that as a profession to begin with? It pays peanutts, it’s dangerous, it doesn’t bode well for family life, but it affords a control freak/sadist plenty of room to excert power over the poweless. I feel the same way about carrer military…any really macho profession is suspect with me. JMO, and not so humble, I admit.
I am not confused. I am focusing on my situation with my house which I may have to walk away from. So, I need to clean out and possibly move by August.
I have been back with my x since July…as a friend. I don’t have expectations or even want to be in an exclusive relationship with him. I just want to be friends and I told him this…no sex. I won’t get hurt because I am not going back with him. We are friends. Thats all. I am bulletproof now.
🙂
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Tobe, im not judging you in anyway but from reading your posts like many of us we seem to attract this type probably set up from our family of origin. Ayear ago after my dad passed and i was in no contact with the s and grieving, going through lots of turmoil with toxic family etc. this detective started coming around. Long story but he’s married to a narcissistic and likely sociopathic woman so i got sucked into listening and trying to help as any compassionate person who has dealt with these types would. She has degraded him cheating on him repeatedly and he ended up going back again. My point in this is, i’ve since found out from an old ex of his (nurse in mental field) that he is a narcissist . Now that being said i still want to beleive that he is a good person who is just being toyed with but the verdict is still out. I’m keeping a healthy distance because of this reason. A friend ran into him recently and he’s a mess again but he won’t stay in no contact with her even though he knows he should. If you have had that many experiences with these types you should know the signs if even subtle. I tried to help a girl last year , gave her the book Betrayal Bond etc. took her to lawyer and she spent one weekend with the s and poof she signed every dime she had to her name is is back hitting the bottle and will prob die from alcoholism. It’s just hitting me now how diabolical and dangerous these types can actually be. I’ve been in no contact for 10 months or more and the s is trying to find dirt on me and just the thought of that is frightening enough. At one time i would have been flattered, now im just dam scared. Do not play with these types even a little and pl cut your losses as they don’t make decent friends either. love kindheart
Kindheart…
I know what he is made of and why. I see how he reacts to people and things and I know why. I am aware of his childhood. I love to analyze and I’ve figured him out.
But, I don’t think that he is a bad person. He seems to care about me and my life.
I also know that he loved having sex with me, as I did too. But, I am not looking for a sex partner without a committment.
It would take very long for me to trust him totally, so I’m not going there.
I don’t dislike him or hate him. I still love and care about him…even though I am no longer “in love” with him. He says that he is “in love” with me. I explained to him that I feel he loves me, but things would be different if we were “in love”.
Someday I may fall in love again. If I meet someone esle, I would date them.
I just wanted to make peace with him…let him know how I feel…and stay friends.
Maybe its the wrong choice. But I made the decision and I feel better now.
Suddenly there was a display on the horizon. A brilliant explosion from which popcorn missiles exploded in every direction.
Streamers in brilliant colors filled the air along with whistles.
Thank Goodness! Munchhausen is here! Now, we shall hear a really GOOD story!
This is my first post here, but I’ve been reading for a while, and would like to thank you all from what is left of my heart for your help. If it were not for all of you, I very well may have taken my own life. I would like to say something to tobehappy if I may – I have learned a lot about psycopathy thru my own study and through other’s experiences here. When I first started reading, I did not even know what had been done to me, but now I do, and while I may be wrong, I also think I know why it was done. While these people will take everything they can get from you financially and materially, I think those things are just fringe benefits to them – I think what they really want is to be able to take your essense – or your soul – they do not seem to have one themselves, and I really think that’s why they target people who, for the most part, are caring and kind – what they really want is a soul, and if they can’t get it, then they try their best to destroy it. So, before you make any decision as to what you are going to do, I beg you to stop and think – is anything or anyone worth risking your essence or soul for?? If this person is a S/P there is nothing that they will not do – no lie they will not tell – no person they will not use – and no mask they will not put on, for as long as it takes in order to get what they want. They care nothing about who or what they destroy as long as they “win”. So please, especially in your situation, because you rejected him once, and now he has even more motivation because he feels like he lost the first time and for a P, that is just impossible – they see only that they MUST WIN, whatever and no matter how long it takes. As far as they are concerned, the bigger the challenge, the better the reward in winning, the more pain they can cause, the more joy they get. So you and you alone must decide if having a friendship with this person is worth the risk of losing your soul and becoming nothing more than an empty shell without the ability to ever completely love or trust anyone ever again. If you do nothing else, think of how your children are going to feel if he destroys you. How will you care for them?? I know someone else said that they will pray for strength for you and so will I – I will also pray that God gives you wisdom in regards to this matter, and leave the decision in your hands.