For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine’s Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached.
Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don’t realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they’re the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true.
Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We’ve been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we’re also carrying whatever additional devastation the sociopath has wrought—embarrassment, rage, doubt, illness, debt, a multitude of losses.
The pain and emotional turmoil are so overwhelming that we feel like we’ll never recover. Or, perhaps we passed through the worst of the trauma and now we’re just tired, too exhausted to care about Valentine’s Day. Or, we still want to fill that empty hole within us, but our faith in our own judgment is severely shaken. How can we feel better?
The answer is always to heal our own hearts. Much of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is about discovering how to do exactly that.
Deciding to heal
The first step is deciding to heal. When we’re in the midst of the trauma, this may feel counterintuitive. We want somebody to do something about the sociopath. We want somebody to deliver us from our circumstances. We want somebody to fix us.
Unfortunately, it’s rare for the situation to change quickly enough to make us feel better. But we don’t have to wait for changed circumstances in order to begin healing. In fact, we shouldn’t wait, because that’s not the way the energy of life works. First we heal ourselves, then the circumstances change.
Pursuing healing requires conscious action, participation on our part. It is something we do, not something that we wait for. So how do we pursue healing? By purposely finding peace and moments of joy.
Peace and joy
Yes, we can find peace within us, even as the storm rages around us. You can use any method that is comfortable and comforting, such as quiet contemplation, meditation, prayer, religious services, walking in nature, listening to music, or any activity that brings a sense of stillness and calm.
At first, we may feel only fleeting moments of peace before we are interrupted by stressful thoughts of our circumstances. That’s okay. Keep trying, and little by little, you’ll find that you’re able to hold on to the peace for longer and longer periods of time.
Then, as you go through your day, look for moments of joy wherever you can find them. Maybe you find a sock that you thought the washing machine ate. Maybe you get a good parking spot. Maybe a clerk in a store is helpful. Maybe a friend takes you out to lunch. Notice those little treasures, no matter how small. And when you do, say a small prayer of gratitude—it can be as quick as the words, “Thank you.”
What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job. I’ll be talking more about this in a future blog post, but for now, know that focusing on peace and joy starts the process of change.
Miracles
Healing your heart is always the answer. When we work on healing our hearts, miracles happen. When we create peace, harmony and health within us, our life circumstances improve as well.
I know this for a fact, because it happened in my life. I worked on changing my inner landscape, and as I made progress, my life got better. It took time, but I finally let go, emotionally, of the sociopathic ex-husband. As soon as I did, I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my new husband.
Terry and I are now in the midst of what we call “Love Week—”the celebration of our wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. We go out to dinner. We indulge in a one-pound box of chocolate and slowly nibble away, a couple of pieces at a time. Best of all, we exchange mushy sweet somethings, words that reflect our love and happiness.
True love feels like a miracle, but in reality, it is a direct result of a healed heart.
Dear Lostinthedarkness,
Welcome to lovefraud. Sorry you have a need to be here, but glad you found your way here. There’s lots of good information and knowledge=power, so go back through the archives and read and read. Great support and great people here as well. Again, welcome! God bless.
There is no way I am getting closer to that flame again. I know for sure the wound will be more painful than the first time—Fire doesn’t change”it will burn you if you get to close”. It is only a matter of time before all your protection will melt away”Fire doesn’t change”
Silvermoon, I’m a little confused. Can you extrapolate?
Kim: I think what she was referring to was this:
From Wikipedia the definition of Munchhausen’s:
The syndrome name derives from Baron Münchhausen (Karl Friedrich Hieronymus Freiherr von Münchhausen, 1720”“1797) who purportedly told many fantastic and impossible adventures about himself, which Rudolf Raspe later published as The Surprising Adventures of Baron Münchhausen.
In 1951, Richard Asher was the first to describe a pattern of self-harm, where individuals fabricated histories, signs, and symptoms of illness. Remembering Baron Münchhausen, Asher named this condition Münchausen’s Syndrome in his article in The Lancet in February 1951,[4] quoted in his obituary in the British Medical Journal:
“Here is described a common syndrome which most doctors have seen, but about which little has been written. Like the famous Baron von Munchausen, the persons affected have always travelled widely; and their stories, like those attributed to him, are both dramatic and untruthful. Accordingly the syndrome is respectfully dedicated to the Baron, and named after him.”
—British Medical Journal, R.A.J. Asher, M.D., F.R.C.P.[5]
Thanks for clearing that up, Oxy.
How was your chicken and mushroom pot pie? That sounded so good. I’ll have to try that sometime.
I just made my toddlers a lunch of cube steak smothered in mushroom gravy. Mostly because I was hungry, and I am really tired of toddler food. They were unimpressed. They still prefer hot dogs and boxed mac and cheese.
Food is becoming an issue for me. I am getting home later and later. I am tired and don’t feel like cooking….especially since it’s just for me. I keep meat in my freezer, take it out to cook, and then don’t feel like cooking. I hate to waste food, though. That’s part of the reason I made the cube steak for lunch. I brought it from home cause I didn’t want it to go to waste. I ate like a horse, and feel better. I haven’t been eating well since I had the flu, so I think I needed some comfort food.
Tell me more about your chicken pie. How did you make it?
I found a recipe on the internet for “cream of mushroom soup” and bought some mushrooms and used condense skim milk for the milk part and followed directions. Thickened it up with a bit of flour, then put in peas and onions, and celery, spices, and chopped chicken breast and then put a pre-made frozen pastry crust I had in the freezer on top and baked til the crust was crisp. The food was already cooked.
My aunt ethel’s recipe for chicken pot pie called for condensed cream of mushroom soup and that has SOOOO much sodium/salt in it and I was wanting to make low sodium. The pre made pie crust has some salt in it too, but didn’t want to “waste” it aqnd since the rest of the pot pie had almost ZERO sodium in it except for the natural sodium in the milk and chicken (not a lot) the total sodium content was low.
I usually make a pie crust with unsalted butter and whole wheat flour (just cut the two together until it is like crumbs then add a few drops of water and roll out) the whole wheat pie crust sort of makes like a “pita bread” top for the pie and Will do that next time.
I assume you must be going over to your dtr’s house during day to stay with kiddies, so when you get home you don’t feel like cooking for one.
May I suggest that you cook for yourself on the weekends and then freeze the meals. I am the QUEEN of the 1-dish meal, and I hate to cook for one or even two, so I cook for 4 or 6 and then freeze some for later.
Also they have the TINY crock pots now you can put on a meal for one in a crock pot before you leave in the morning and it is ready when you get home at night.
I also keep a container in the refrigerator freezer that is “stuff for stew” and if i have a bit of left over roast juice or veggies, I toss it in there and freeze and when it gets full, I use it to make stew with and it has all the vitamins and juices from whatever was left over. I throw out so little food that I would starve a mouse if that was all it had to eat was what I throw out. All meat trimmings go to the dogs and all left overs go to the stew pot.
In France they have a pot on the back of the stove always simmering, I can’t remember now what they call it but whatever is left over from any meal goes into the soup pot on the back of the stove that is forever simmering. Years ago when I was feeding my kids and half the neighborhood, I had one of those pots and it was always what was for lunch on the weekends during the winter. It was never the same two days in a row, but it was always good and warm and comforting. Just had to watch it and make sure it always had enough liquid in it so it didn’t burn.
Hey Kim!
That pot pie DOES sound good!
What worked for me when I wasn’t into eating was keeping a pot of vegetable soup on the stove. I’d boil it everyday for a few days and when it was done, I’d make another pot.
my friend at Whole foods says the one thing they can’t keep on the shelves is their pot pies. Maybe pricey if you also cook, but maybe not if you don’t’. They are pretty big.
One of my favorites is store bought Rice pudding. I add a bunch of nutmeg and zap it in the microwave. Figure that and a banana will do on days when I’m not “into it”. Although I am thinking about growing a lot of food as a summer project and I guess I had better get into it, huh?
Guess I can’t help but feel really cynical about e) all of it right now. There are very real and true stories here and voices from which I have gained a lot of information and support. Yours among them.
I feel that there is such a desire to trust in and hold onto the community here that its very hard to watch what we have just seen. It feels like a betrayal all over again because any one can can come and post anything. Real or not. I suppose there is no rule that “thou shalt heal” here. And there is no rule that says you can’t make a complete reversal of your story. But its just the kind of thing that the experience we discuss makes us sensitive to.
Everyone wants care and attention. Over and over we see on the posts and have had the experience that we want to tell our stories and hope that others will hear us and the need for the experience to be understood. Because it so often is better judged than understood. And many of us were successfully isolated by the disordered. As well as taken advantage of and lied to.
Not that it should matter. Its just a blog. A reminder to keep an uncompromising distance. Not over invest, not say too much. Not count too much on the posts. And above all count on ourselves and others to take care of themselves because there is truly so little that can be done here except to share empathy, information and hope.
This remains the thing that brings me back over and over. The process of recovery is a journey, not an event and there are many difficult milestones to cross. Many disparaging truths and many reasons to have legitimate fear.
It is so very, very hard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEEpavnk7Uw&feature=related
Yes, I really enjoy making soups and stews. They are so warm and comforting….nutritious too.
I will try the left overs in freezer for stew, idea.
I think I will also invest in some frozen dinnerss for those nights when I really don’t want to cook.
I am definately going to try the pot pie, but must admit I will probably use canned soup.
One of my fav;s is
Box of chicken broth
bag frozen spinach
can ea of kidney beans and chick peas
Carrots and onion
Tons of garlic and a little orgegano
garnish with parmesan cheese and side a piece of garlic toast
🙂
Hi Kimmie;
I was laughing….(sorry) at yours and Oxy’s food exchange…..
The kids are at the other house….and have been for a while….I’m still here with nothing to cook with.
I’ve collected plastic silverware and napkins from restaurants….and wash them!
I have no pots/pans…..one frying pan. It;s the all purpose deal.
I have found I buy a large stouffers lasagna and reuse the disposable pan for what I have in the freezer…The lasagna I eat morning noon and night for days…….I’m fed!
A few nights ago….IT WAS TATOR TOTS! Yep…..tator tots!
I ate so many I went into a tator tot coma. Who in the hell eats TATOR TOTS at 43???
🙂
God bless the microwave!!!!!!
……I’ll meet ya at Oxy’s for some left over Chicken pot pie turned stew….