Healing is a journey

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)

I’ve written here many times that I used to think that healing was a place we arrived at and that once we got there “everything would be wonderful.”  I have learned in my latest tangles with the multiple psychopaths in my life that healing is NOT a place that we arrive at, but it is a Journey.

I have no doubt looking back at my relationship with my P-sperm donor that I had PTSD when  I escaped from his clutches at least alive, which is more than some of his victims have done. I was 19 and had no one to advise me. Looking back, I wanted to talk to people about this trauma and no one seemed to either believe or care. Even my Egg Donor didn’t believe a word I said. I felt invalidated and alone. Eventually I managed to “move on” with my life by burying these memories and injuries, and I felt I was “healed.” I thought I had arrived at healing.

Frustrated about my son

Years later, in dealing with my psychopathic son, I was so frustrated that I couldn’t get through my beloved son’s head that he was ruining his life with his criminal behavior. All he had to do was to quit robbing and stealing, apply himself in school and he could have had a free ride scholarship to any school in the nation, on his SAT scores alone. But I was frustrated because I couldn’t find the “magic words” to show him how much I loved him and how great his life would be if he would listen to me.

A few years later, when he was 20, out of prison on parole, I found out that he had murdered a 17-year-old young woman. Talk about a “relapse” into PTSD— I had one. I still didn’t really realize just what I was dealing with. I only knew that my son, who of course denied he was guilty, was going to prison for possibly the rest of his life. I locked myself in my house for three months and cried continually. I didn’t eat for nearly two weeks, and didn’t sleep at all for one full week. Can we say “Shell Shocked” or “PTSD”?

Then, eventually, I felt like I was “healed” from the trauma of learning my son was going to prison for “life” and adapted. Life went on and I planned for the time he would get out and come home to live and  straighten himself out. He could have some life left after prison. The family would support him and help him reestablish himself.

Father and son psychopaths

I read Robert Hare’s book Without Conscience, and I saw that my P sperm donor was a psychopath. I yellow highlighted almost the entire book, but I was in denial for years that my beloved son, also fit every criteria. Eventually, though, I realized that my son was just as much a psychopath as my P sperm donor and that I could no longer “be supportive” of him. I cut him off. No more visits, no more commissary money. NO CONTACT.

The “summer of chaos” came, when I realized that he had sent someone to kill me. Then the PTSD returned in full force as my other son and I fled our home in fear of our lives.  All the issues I had buried and not dealt with from my family of origin resurfaced. I had to heal or die, I was a total mess, like I had melted into a heap, and I knew somehow I had to find that elusive “place of being healed.”

Learning and healing one layer at a time through self help

I started to read obsessively about psychopaths. I read everything I could find on the Internet and in books about them, and about self-help for healing from trauma and I started to find comfort. I found Lovefraud and I realized I was not the only smart woman in the world who had been traumatized by psychopaths. I had to find some way to stop the pain, though. So I would find comfort in one thing and “get over” something else. It was like “peeling an onion—”when I got one layer of trauma peeled, there was another one underneath that one, and so on.

I learned all I needed to know about psychopaths, and knowing all of that helped in my healing. It made me feel better, but I also realized I needed to learn about myself. I needed to learn a lot about myself. Why I allowed people, not just the psychopaths, to walk on me. I realized I felt responsible for other people’s happiness, and that I would let them walk on me repeatedly. I realized finally, that my boundaries were weak or non-existent.

The healing “journey”

Finally, at some point I realized that I would never find a “place” called HEALED. I would never be totally and completely healed. I realized that healing is a journey, not a destination. I realized that it starts off learning about them. At some point though, we realize that all the knowledge in the world about psychopaths isn’t going to heal us. We reach a point that we may not know everything about them, but we know enough. Then we must start to learn about ourselves in order to really start to move toward healing. I used to think I knew “enough” about myself and that I was a pretty nice person and fairly well adjusted to life. But I realized, finally, that now the healing road is a continual one, one that moves on and on.

Sometimes that road may have smooth sailing. Other times it may have pot holes, or steep mountains to climb, or snow and ice and chilling winds as we start to process what happened to us. But there are always going to be setbacks in life that will try our strength and our determination.

I’ve worked on fixing myself, from things like learning to set boundaries about how I will or will not allow people to treat me. I’ve learned to enforce those boundaries even if it meant that long term relationships were lost.

I’ve also done other things to “improve” myself, like stopped smoking, lost some weight, went on a low sodium diet, all the things I used to advise my patients to do, but didn’t do myself. I quit being a hypocrite, in other words.

I learned the “red flags” of a toxic person, and realized  that if a person is dishonest in any way, or irresponsible, a liar, or unkind or lacked empathy or compassion, I didn’t need that person in my life.

I’ve done a lot of things to improve myself, and I realize that I need to continue to work on becoming the kind of person I would want my children to be.  There is no place called “Healed,” but there is a journey called “healing” and it is “life.” Anyone who has dealt with a psychopath for long enough that they were traumatized by the association needs to heal, and that “healing” is a process that takes time and work, and is a journey, not a destination.

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65 Comments on "Healing is a journey"

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Group hug! ((all of us))

really love this article,healing really is a journey….often not an easy one but holding onto hope that life will get better every day……im trying to be thankful im still alive after the last 3 years of drowning in depression after everything i went through…

i am starting to feel alittle like my old self….not seen ex or had any contact in over a month….i really feel the better of it….she was just destroying me.or rather i was letting her……cause i could feel the anger and poison well up in me every time i saw her because of all the lies and deceit.i really think i`ve started to heal,thank god.

You hang in there lifting No Contact will give you the distance and clarity we need to heal and move forward towards our abuse free futures. Peace and love to you.

Lifting the veil, I am glad that you found this article helpful, it was ONLY when I realized that I was never going to find that PLACE called “healed” that I truly started on this journey, and that’s why I wrote this article, because I thought that others might identify with my first belief that somehow we could one day wake up “healed.”

And you are right, it is not an easy journey, and many times I have fallen off that road to healing into the abyss of despair, but I just climb back up to that rocky road of healing and continue on. It gets easier the more you recover. I promise you it will become easier! So hang in there, keep NO CONTACT, and LEARN about them, and about YOURSELF. The learning about yourself and the whys of why you stayed will help you with immunity from the next psychopath that comes along.

thank you so much tealight…i send you peace also and wish only the same for you i would myself….peace.

and ox drover,
didnt know it was you who had written that so thank you from the bottom of my did speak to me…

i watched a movie that my councellor gave me recently…called `THE WAY` starring martin sheen ….it was a beautiful spiritual story of a father whose son died while walking the way,a pilgrimage in france/spain….the father is remembering driving his son to the airport before he leaves to go to europe and he is telling his son ….he choose the life he lived and his son says …….YOU DONT CHOOSE A LIFE,YOU LIVE IT….!
this is what stuck with me from the film… was such a beautiful story..i thought to myself i dont just want to exsist anymore i want to live again……i thought to myself i dont want to be soaked in sorrow,sadness,depression,anger,rage,disgust,confusion and regret for the years i spent with someone who was deceiving me… intentions were always good,and i wanted a life with this person……but when the relationship was over my ex told me….those were my dreams not hers…………my heart sank cause i thought i was sharing my life with someone who wanted the same things as me………i didnt realise i was just a bank machine……..someone to be used……….someone to play games with emotionally……….i thought it was real,well it was real to me………….though after 16 years of empty dreams and nothing changing i guess i knew we would never have anything and i was just a rather she would have plainright had the guts to cheat on me and walk away from me than what she did………she lied over the little things,and the big things and so how can i ever believe a single thing she ever said….

love,well where i come from…….there is a symbol and its the claddagh ring……..and it has 2 hands meeting and and a heart with a crown…….these symbolise…….love,loyalty and friendship…..
i thought my ex was my true friend,that she loved me and was loyal to me……….but turns out she wasnt loyal,and she couldnt have loved me or understood the word love or had any empathy,or consience to deceive me like she did…..
my heart is broke over what happened in my life….the emotions used and crushed by someone who didnt deserve it…

and after we broke up so many many abusive messages…threats……..and hurt…..its hard to get past it…
here is one message she sent me at one point last year ……
all the things i did to you was a result of years of abuse. i made a promise to myself that i would destroy you in one way, and im sticking with that, u will never ever recover from this never, now why dont u just sit down and wait, i cannot believe i wasted 16 years of my life, its u who controlled me not the other way round

i couldnt believe she tried to justify all her lies to me telling me it was all my fault.i couldnt believe while i was out working every day and taking care of her,she had been lying to me and planning to hurt me… for talking about years of abuse ……i loved her with all my heart,gave her everything even forsake myself and my own needs……..
as for destroying me ………….i told her she could be happy….that she had succeeded….that i would never trust anyone again ..and that i was destroyed as a person and filled with hate now because of all her lies…………..i guess i wanted her to know how much she had hurt me……….but she will never understand cause she dosnt get it…understand……she hasnt a clue what she did…………..
i knew i could never have any contact with her again because all she wanted to do was use me,and i couldnt believe a word she would ever say……..and she never once ever showed any remorse for what she did to me………..she just told me to get over it……..
get over it!
well i cant just get over the hurt,the utter devastion ,the disgust,the anger,the pain inside me and the tears……..i cant just get over how she pretended to have cancer for years and put me through that…i cant just get over every single fact i once believed to be true about my life with her…is not even real anymore………..she took my reality away from me….and im ANGRY.

so ox drover……….yes it isnt an easy journey…but its a joureny i choose to take because i dont want to be like her…….i feel….i hurt………i consider others feelings……and that is not a downfall its my salvation…..and yes somedays i get very down……..i feel sad for the years lost in the darkness and fog of illusion believing a life that wasnt even real…….
but i have fought a battle to recover and i will continue to fight it every day….and thank god through reading books and learning about siociopaths and through lovefraud i have found amazing stength and wisdom and living angels in words……

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