Healthy shame, toxic shame and sociopaths

As human beings, we’re not perfect, and sometimes we learn this the hard way. Shame is the unpleasant, unsettling emotion that we feel when we discover a defect in ourselves. Although we feel badly, shame can actually be constructive — it can motivate us to learn, improve, or make amends. This is healthy shame. Toxic shame, however, is destructive; we feel weak, pathetic and worthless. Sociopaths never feel healthy shame, and they push us to feel toxic shame.

At the most basic level, shame is a defense mechanism, according to the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM). It enables us to learn how to keep ourselves safe from harm. This was important in our cave man days, when survival depended on being part of a group. If we behaved in a way that got us expelled, we were doomed.

In The Value of Shame, Thomas Ryan notes that shame is integral to human functioning in personal, social and cultural realms. He writes, “Healthy shame, with its roots in personal conviction, is inherently associated with values and self-evaluation.” We feel shame when we don’t live up to our own standards, or the standards and values of our society. The way we alleviate shame is by making corrections. At least, that’s what normal people do.

Sociopaths and shame

Researchers have long recognized that sociopaths do not feel shame. Sociopaths also accept no responsibility for their numerous and unending failures, infractions and violations.

The Lovefraud author Dr. Liane Leedom explains the research on psychopathy and shame in one of her articles. She documents that classic experts on psychopathy, including Hervey Cleckley and Robert Hare, observed that because psychopaths are incapable of feeling shame, they blame other people for their problems.

In Dr. Leedom’s view, “the lack of shame and consequent blaming behavior of sociopaths and psychopaths is caused by their excessive dominance motivation. Sociopaths and psychopaths live for power and control. As dominants, they cannot afford to admit any weakness or error, not even to themselves.” She also reports recent studies that highlight the connection between psychopathic traits and their shaming and blaming behavior.

Read more: Sociopaths and Psychopaths: Have you no shame? on Lovefraud.com

Not healthy shame — toxic shame

Sociopaths don’t feel shame themselves, but they seem to understand how painful it is, because they go to great lengths to make us, their targets, feel ashamed. This is no longer healthy shame. It’s toxic shame, the kind that eats away at our souls.

How do they do this? They engage in relentless criticism. They may pretend to be concerned about our “weaknesses” and “shortcomings,” but in reality they are putting us down. Then when there are problems — any kind of problem — they blame us.

We sense that we are being treated unfairly, but being responsible human beings, unaware of the motivations of a sociopath, we’re willing to consider that maybe we are at fault. Maybe we do need to make corrections. So we try. But our corrections are never good enough for the sociopath, and eventually we’re experiencing toxic shame.

Blaming ourselves

Then, something worse happens — we learn that the person is a sociopath, and we blame ourselves for being involved with him or her in the first place.

Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, addressed this in an article on Lovefraud. She wrote:

When it’s clear how this person you loved violated your trust, tricked and betrayed you, you somehow keep bringing fault back to yourself. What was I doing there in the first place? How could I have been so weak? Why did I stay so long? How could I have not protected our children and just left? From beginning to end, we could be torturing ourselves with these questions, and be consumed with feelings of shame and guilt.

Read more: The shame and blame game, on Lovefraud.com

Recovery from toxic shame

Eventually, after continuous doses of shame and blame, we’re a hot mess. We lose confidence in ourselves. We believe we are fundamentally flawed. We’re not even sure of who we are anymore.

Now what? How do we turn this around? How do we recover ourselves?

That’s exactly what Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S, CCDVC, CCTP, addresses in her Lovefraud webinar, Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect.

Mandy teaches you to identify sources of shame. You’ll learn myths about abuse, and why you should stop believing them. You’ll learn why you were targeted in the first place.

Here are webinar highlights:

• The destructive effects of shame
• Understanding the difference between shame and guilt
• Why shame makes it difficult to set boundaries
• 6 ways abusive people use shame
• 9 strategies for overcoming shame

Sociopaths and other abusers lie about you, cause you to make bad choices and induce you feel shame. But you can release this painful and destructive emotion.

Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect