Ladies and gentlemen, hello”¦and thanks for inviting me to speak to you about sociopathy. As an audience, you come highly recommended by my good friend Phil, who visited with you last winter as a narcissism expert, and who, I understand, you basically booed off the lectern.
By way of personal disclosure, I can tell you that I’ve been diagnosed as a sociopath separately by several prominent clinicians all of whom, let me establish candidly, were complete charlatans. As a matter of fact, this is the basis of my book, which of course is prominently displayed for purchase on the table in the back, entitled, “How Three Utter Clinical Charlatans Separately Diagnosed Me as a Sociopath.”
Just a little about my personal history”¦
Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, where to begin?
Ladies and gentlemen, I think I’d like to start by telling you that I am a highly ethical personality, a point I choose to stress if only to assure you that I have every intention of returning the wallet that I know one of you is missing because I lifted it off you on the coffee and danish line about fifteen minutes ago.
Please”¦no need to check your pockets and pocketbooks. As I said, I’ll return the wallet shortly, during our upcoming break”¦however—and, of course, consistent with my stringent ethics—I won’t guarantee, because I don’t make promises I can’t keep, that I’ll be returning the wallet with the same cash amount as when I lifted it.
Ladies and gentleman, I’m delighted to be here. My presence here, of course, gives you a chance to glean some insight into the fascinating minds of sociopaths, and me the chance to score, I hope, with one of the more attractive women in the audience, whether she be single or not.
This way, we establish the quid pro quo up front.
My friends, sociopaths, as you know, tend to be deceptive individuals. And they tend to lie very boldly. For instance, my brother-in-law Frank, who, incidentally, tends to follow me around like a stalker—yes, he accused me of stealing money he gave me to start my hedge fund business.
I’ll never forget a recent interaction we had, which I share with you for instructional purposes:
He said, “Ron, you haven’t paid a cent of that loan back. What’s the deal?”
I said, “What deal? What deal are you talking about?”
He said, “The loan, Ron. The 50-grand we loaned you with the stipulation you’d pay it back with 5% interest.”
I said, “That was a loan?”
He said, “Of course it was a loan, you f’ing sociopath.”
See what I mean, folks? The deception? How he tried spinning what had clearly been offered as a gift of 50-thousand dollars into, conveniently, a loan? And did you notice his audacity—audacity being a very sociopathic feature?
Calling me a sociopath, when so clearly he was the sociopath? I believe professionals also call that “projection?”
Yes, I see a hand raised?
Of course my sister supported him! What a moronic question!
She’s my sister, yes, but he’s her husband. Naturally she claimed, with as much nerve as he, that it was a loan, not a gift, which they both made to me. This is a wonderful example, incidentally, of the corrupting influence that sociopaths like my brother-in-law can have on their vulnerable partners.
And to anticipate your next question”¦no, I won’t be paying a cent of that loan—I meant to say gift—back”¦because, that would be enabling their deceipt and I refuse, from principle, to do that.
Ladies and gentlemen, I must be frank and tell you that I’ve been married five times. Now what does this fact tell you? Here’s what it should tell you: It should tell you how absolutely clueless my prior wives were, inasmuch as all they needed to do to keep me satisfied was to appreciate how good they had it with me.
Even my present wife, who recently outed me for cheating on her with an ex-girlfriend I accidentally found on Facebook”¦even she doesn’t get it.
I can tell you—and I’ve told her this, trust me—that I’m on the verge of leaving her because, ladies and gentelmen, I really don’t need this nonsense. And I suspect that some of the men in the audience can probably relate to where I’m coming from?
My good friends, sociopaths really don’t get it.
And so often these perverse characters offer up glib explanations for their appalling behaviors. For example, my present spouse confronted me on the purely accidental nature of my latest liaison outside our marriage.
I remind you, just as I explained to her, that I found myself on Facebook one day and, intending to locate a childhood friend named Tommy who’d moved during Elementary School and whose whereabouts I’d always wondered about, I somehow, accidentally, ended up discovering my ex’s Facebook homepage.
Thinking, naturally, that it was Tommy’s Facebook page (it was his I was searching), I made an innocent friend request, fully expecting to hear back—hoping to hear back—from Tommy, when who should respond with a friend confirmation, but Sarah?
This should all have been enough explanation, but what did my insatiable wife want next? She demands to know how, even “accepting for the moment your lying bullshit,” I ended up screwing this ex-girlfriend for three months behind her back?
I’m laughing”¦.for the reason you can probably guess? What the hell does one thing have to do with the other? See how she’s trying to confuse me”¦jumping all over the map”¦manipulating me!
Sociopaths, my friends, are quite incapable of recognizing, or caring about, the depth and pattern of their abuse of others.
Exhibit A, my friends: each of my five ex-wives, plus the present one, all of whom, I’m convinced, have serious sociopathic traits.
Their contrivance of outrage, as I’ve suggested, upon discovering my countless infidelities during our marriages”¦come to think of it, it’s laughable.
That’s exactly why I’m laughing right now”¦ laughing out loud, and having trouble composing myself. It’s just so funny how sociopaths will contrive emotions to manipulate you.
Evidently my ex’s wanted me to feel guilt? I’m sorry, but I’m still laughing”¦it’s just so funny.
I mean my marriages, every one of them—and my wives themselves—grew so boring, tedious and predictable that—and you tell me—what option, realistically, was left but to search for something fresh and exciting?
And I’m sure you’d agree that a man like me, in these circumstances—and let’s be honest, any guy with a real set of balls—would have to be a fool, or else whipped beyond dignity, to begrudge himself relief from such oppression?
But I digress, I’m afraid.
Glib”¦.yes, I was mentioning the tendency of sociopaths to be glib. It’s good practice, my friends, to beware of glib personalities, because often a very dangerous insincerity lurks beneath the glibness”¦often the glibness is used to cover, to distract or divert from a manipulative agenda.
In other words, it’s not the glibness itself that’s problematic, so much as its function”¦which, so often, is to enable, through a form of obfuscation, an ulterior agenda.
Ladies and gentlemen, on that note, we are coming upon our first break. But wait”¦someone’s just straggled in, irresponsibly late.
Let’s let the gentleman take his seat. Maybe you can introduce yourself, first, sir?
“You owe me $50 f’ing thousand dollars, you asshole, and I’ll chase you down like Dog The Bounty Hunter till you pay up!!”
Excuse me, ladies and gentleman”¦this man must be confusing me with someone else? I apologize, on his behalf, for his rude disruption of our seminar.
Sir, I kindly ask that you”¦
“Knock off the bullshit, Ron! Why don’t you tell these kind people the criminal evasion you’ve been perpetrating on me and your own sister!”
My good friend, not only do I not know what you’re talking about, and not only have I never seen you in my whole life, but unless you leave the room at once, I’ll be forced to have security remove you.
I find it very creepy, sir, that you know my name, but I assure you that we don’t know each other, and whatever situation you’re alluding to is most certainly a figment of your delusional mind.
Yes, thank you, security, for removing this man at once. Yes, take him out kicking and screaming, and hurling his ugly threats. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, kicking and screaming, removed by the courageous, well-prepared security guards. I’m so sorry for this untimely intrusion.
Have you noticed, my friends, or is it just me, that mental illness seems to be on the rise? It’s such a terrible shame the kinds of delusions people seem to be harboring and their growing tendency to impose them on us?
Well, if nothing else, that was pretty entertaining. I’ll have to check up later on that poor soul and make sure he was properly committed to the right institution.
It’s hard to know what to tell a guy like that, other than”¦next time you make a financial arrangement along the lines you were babbling about, make sure the contract’s drawn-up by attorneys. That way you avoid the kind of trouble he was ranting about so incoherently.
Strange how many people think they know me, and have accosted me over the years with outrageous, paranoid accusations.
I seem to have one of those faces that’s commonly mistaken for others.
Ladies and gentlemen, let us take our first break, and use the next few minutes to recover from the surprise appearance of that very sick man.
Feel free, of course, to purchase the books in the back”¦and more importantly, please approach me about becoming Class A investors in either of my two superstar hedge funds, both of which have yielded annualized returns of over 40% since 2004.
That makes Madoff’s returns look paltry, and he was cheating, whereas we—meaning me, and my accountant, Lucciano—operate strictly on the up and up.
And you”¦over there”¦yes, you”¦who’s glaring at me with that homicidal look”¦come on over and get your wallet.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Hi Star, hope your cold feels better soon. Isn’t it nice to be treated well by another person? Why don’t P’s get that?
the stuff below is copied and pasted from fatwallet.com:
This is the most direct link for getting the Coldplay album: http://lrlrl.coldplay.com/leftright.php.
You get asked for an email address and your country. There’s a checkbox for opting out of email from Coldplay.
(FYI, according to the privacy policy, the info you submit goes to the record label, EMI).
Tracklist: 1. Glass of Water 4:43
2. 42 4:52
3. Clocks 4:40
4. Strawberry Swing 4:16
5. The Hardest Part/Postcards from Far Away 4:15
6. Viva La Vida 5:24
7. Death Will Never Conquer 1:39
8. Fix You 5:38
9. Death and All His Friends 4:22
Bitrate: 192 kbps
Thanks, Sky! I think Clocks is one of the greatest songs ever written.
And thank you, Kim, I am glad you’re here as well! I hope your healing continues in every aspect of your life, and that you will continue to share the process with us.
Stargazer….just after the last time I saw the P, though I didn’t know it was the last time yet, I was seated next to a guy on an jet, and it hit me how kind he was. Then on my trip, I traveled a few days in car with a man and a woman who barely know me, and they were so attentive, helping with luggage, making sure I would like the places we were going to, etc….and when I talked to my therapist about it, she said, yes, it is a real contrast to suddenly be around people who can give as well as take, who have EMPATHY, who express care and concern. You’ve been in a relationship with someone who CANNOT give, CANNOT be reciprocal, he is INCAPABLE of it.
After being intimate with a P, being around nice people can be quite a shock, and yes, move us to tears! Partly because I think we realize how we have failed ourselves in accepting such bad behavior. Partly because we realize we have been a victim. Partly because we realize what we wanted and what we didn’t get.
And here it is a STRANGER being kinder to us than someone we trusted with our body, heart and soul.
Hurts.
Then I got mad.
At him. At me.
Then resigned.
Acceptance is there most days. And a little more pride in myself each day. Most days.
JAH, TOWANDA!!!
Well, I’ve been avoiding my chores long enough. Better go. But I’m sure I’ll be back again later. ……………..:)
Not only that, but kinder to me than I am to myself most days. It wasn’t just that he was kind though. It was a type of spiritual energy that he was emanating. You know the word “Namaste” that means “I honor the spirit in you”? He seemed to embody that word. He was also a very gentle person. As I looked around the room and saw many people having loud, inconsiderate cell phone conversations, or loud inane private conversations, I realized what a rarity this is to find such a gentle person who is willing to make simple genuine contact with another person without props, distractions, cell phones, nervousness, or ADD. I thought, “Wow, where can I find more people like this?”
Just read the original article. ha ha ha ha Brilliant argument ad absurdem, Steve! But I would make one change. Sociopaths have no trouble saying the words “I promise” and then not delivering. Mine said it over and over like a mantra. I’ll call tomorrow. I promise…..blah blah blah.
The other telltale sign is that before we even started dating, he would point out how immature other guys were and state, “BUT I’M NOT ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I’M DIFFERENT FROM OTHER MEN.” I found myself wondering why he was trying to hardsell himself on the first day–first hour–of our friendly non-romantic meeting. It was very odd.
Star:
People enter our world for a reason or a season……
I so believe and I will say it over and over….EVERYTHING happens for a reason…..
This is why we should point ourselves in the right direction, make informed decisions and enjoy the ride…..if we crash, we are meant to crash, there are lessons we need to learn!!!!
We can’t get discouraged……we must be in control of that!
Otherwise, if we dictate too much…..we will never meet our lovely, lesson filled Indian chap at the Indian Buffet……that might just have changed our course in life!
Feel better darling……
Seek and you will find!
XXOO
ErinB—I have seen so many suffering, sick, starving people in under-developed (maybe that should be not-polluting like the rest of the world)countries, that I cannot accept that everything in their lives is happening for a reason….at least not a reason they are in control of! Like one poster says, if any one has no choice but to drink unclean water, we ALL should feel sick! There simply can’t be a reason for all that suffering, compared to me. Going to India when I was 19 changed my life. I was headed toward (and went and then dropped out) ministerial school in a church that says everything happens for a reason. But after my time in India, I switched to a “chit happens” philosophy, and often to GOOD people.
What I DO believe that is very close to what you are saying is that we can give or create meaning out of everything that happens. I think that is the philosophy in the book about the Nazi survivor that Oxy recommends. I haven’t read it, but I hope to.
And I have seen writings that say strong survivors of trauma are those that chose to create a good meaning out of what happens to them. And the Betrayal Bond says that is essential to healing.
So I agree with the action, I just get there a different route, and maybe there are readers who will find one path or the other in their thinking helps them more.
The most important thing is to indeed find a way to make something positive out of even the hardest things we face in life.
In the book The Blue Sweater, the author writes about women in Rowanda who found greater joy in their lives of poverty and helping each other, after the genocide; a greater meaning in life than they had in their former relatively comfortable lives. It is a pretty amazing statement when you read it in the book!
JAH:
Yes……this is how my life has affected me…..Not sure if it’s the best way to ‘word’ it….as there is so much suffering that is so unfair.
I, in no way want to minimize anyones pain or suffering…
And through my travels to third world countries and indigent areas…..I have witnessed the people making good of all they have.
In my life….and especially recently….I have learned to trust this concept…..
When things dont go ‘my way’…..like having cancer…..I am able to see why i was given this journey and what I chose to do with it…..and where it has lead me…..
I try to be aware of my ‘plans’ and if they don’t work out…..it always becomes clear on why….and always have there been an alternative direction that has lead me to a better destination.
The Mayans are not people of weath…..I have a mayan friend that gave away all the gold and valuables to americans and dutch that he uncovered on his land, he wanted NOTHING in exchange, they were doing him a favor by taking it…..he wasn’t interested in the problems this wealth could bring him…..he did keep a gold vessel that he undug….because it was a large enough container to keep his animals watered, with the lack of water in his area. He laughed about this…..he said, he could be killed for this item….
“The most important thing is to indeed find a way to make something positive out of even the hardest things we face in life.”
I so agree with your sentiments!
Thanks for your enlightening post JAH….
Have a great afternoon!