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Help me understand: questions and observations in the aftermath

This past year, I began speaking publicly on domestic violence and psychopathy.  As many of you know, I feel that I have a bit of a responsibility to educate others on the matter.  As a result, from time to time, people contact me or put their friends in touch with me if they suspect I can somehow help them make sense of their experiences.  Some are in the beginning phases of understanding abusive personalities and/or psychopathy, while others have no idea what has rocked their worlds.

Last week, someone who was struggling to find answers asked me a series of questions.  Not only were they excellent, but they were ones that we have all probably asked.

“How did such an intelligent, strong woman get into this situation?  Am I flawed?”

I know.  This is the million dollar question.  “Getting into this situation” has little to do with intelligence, strength, or flaws.  In fact, sometimes, being aware, curious, and strong may make us more vulnerable.  Why?  Often, “thinking people” ask a lot of questions.  Strong individuals tend to take little lying down and resist “group think.”  When we introduce a combination of the two, we find people who are willing to work hard at relationships, take stands, and advocate for what is right.

On one hand, these attributes are not popular with abusive individuals.  On the other, they are irresistible.  Psychopaths do not like to be questioned or have their power and control threatened, but most cannot resist the challenge we present either, especially if we are useful in other ways, as well.  Therefore, they target us.  This does not mean that strong, intelligent women who find themselves in these relationships are “flawed” in any way.  Simply, we unknowingly provide a very rich “supply” for their manipulative needs.  They hit the jackpot when they find those of us who are willing to engage in their madness.  However, we don’t understand that it is actually madness we are engaging in.  Their mixed messages keep us confused and involved.

In the case of the individual asking this question, her only real “problem” was the fact that she was a decent, warm, caring, and trusting person, who had something her psychopath wanted to exploit.

“How do these sociopaths twist our heads around?  I have to keep looking internally to see what flaw it is in me that keeps letting the same behavior into my life. Any words of wisdom?”

As a matter of fact, yes.  We must stop looking inward for our “flaws.”  This person mentioned her “flaws” on several occasions.  Naturally, we all have them.  When it comes to recovery, looking inward is critical.  We must examine and come to know ourselves before we can truly change and heal.  We must recognize the traits we possess (even if independently they are positive) that made us susceptible to this special form of evil and then work to keep the unhealthy at a distance.

However, that is where we should stop the introspection, or at least the loathing and self blame for what happened in the past.  We did not do this.  We were dealing with dysfunction and disorder.

Not everyone will understand this.  Not everyone will understand the addictive, unhealthy bonds they created that kept us trapped for as long as they did.  We should try to surround ourselves with those who do.  Going forward, we should listen to our instincts, trust that they are correct, and pay attention to the red flags we encounter.

“I just don’t understand the mentality (in reference to the psychopath’s revenge.) I can’t wrap my head around it.  It’s like he had a breakdown of some kind.  He just snapped or something.  He lost EVERYTHING…and for what?  What’s he doing?” 

It is a tough pill to swallow, but he did not just “snap.”  Conversely, he finally allowed himself to clearly show through.  The cracking mask.  As masters of disguise, they become what they think we are looking for.  But who they appeared to be initially is as unreal as the thirsty man’s mirage in the middle of the desert.  “He” did not actually ever exist.  The mean, vengeful shell of a person is the only thing that ever really was.

As far as what they are willing to lose in pursuit of revenge, it’s fairly unbelievable.  This is another aspect that becomes almost impossible for those with little experience to digest.  If psychopaths’ main objectives include taking and destroying what they envy in another, their success at this means more to them than how they fare in the process.

They are often willing to lose or risk losing everything in order to harm their target(s).  For them, the true payoffs lie in demolition.  Additionally, they don’t view their “devastation” as their fault anyway.  We “did it” to them.  They do not feel that their demise reflects on them in the least.

As far as “what he is doing,” whether it be in regards to the revenge she is questioning or otherwise, we must eventually come to the place where we legitimately do not care.  With the exception being as it relates to our safety, how they live or what they do must not matter under any circumstances.

This all takes time to absorb and that is ok.  However, grasping and then accepting the reality of the situation is the key to recovery, even if it is incredibly difficult to wrap one’s head around.


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119 Comments on "Help me understand: questions and observations in the aftermath"

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Linda, thank you so much for this article – I can definitely relate with the victim’s feeling of being dumbfounded.

Sometimes, there are no reasonable answers. How, why, who, etc…..sometimes, it is simply a part of the mortal human condition that there are, and always will be, predators.

Yeah…..”eventually come to the place where we legitimately do not care.” I like this, very much. And, I believe that I will get there, myself.

It does take time and work, and the work isn’t always very pleasant or comfortable. But, it’s worth the effort, I think. I’ve learned more about me – myself – in the past year than I ever imagined possible. I believed that I “knew” who I was, where I came from, and everything about myself that there was to know. After all, I frigging live with myself, right? Well, it’s been a year-long epiphany, and I have to say that I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Again, thank you so much for this article.

Brightest blessings

I know what you mean by “surrounding yourself with people that understand”. I had to part company with my closest friend because she kept blaming me. I kept going back and I needed to work on my self esteem is what she kept telling me. She refused to even talk about it anymore. She would hold up her hand and say ” I don’t want to hear about it”. I was at the discarded stage and hurting very badly. My family has been there for me more. Unfortunately they are back in the midwest and I am in colorado in a small area. It’s only been 4 months and I’m sure it is going to take much longer to get to the “I don’t care anymore” stage. People don’t understand that it is not like a regular breakup. Plus, I keep running into the people that he has trashed me to.

Linda,

As a mental health professional myself, one who gave advice to others, I felt totally STOOOPID in allowing myself to become the victim of not just one but several psychopaths….

The feeling of being so “stooooopid” was overwhelming with me, until I came here to LF and found Donna and Liane…both smart and successful women who were totally devastated by psychopaths, but seeing that Liane, who is a psychiatrist herself, made me realize that while I did allow repeated and continuing abuse, I was not STOOPID and I am also NOT ALONE. Psychopaths in various guises and in various kinds of relationships (lover, friend, family, business partners and co-workers) have the capacity to FOOL ANYONE…

But what I did also find out is that we must EDUCATE ourselves to the RED FLAGS that usually show up in a relationship with a psychopath and when we see even ONE OF THESE RED FLAGS we must immediately disengage from this TOXIC person. Maybe they are a full psychopath or just a low level con person, but in ANY CASE they are NOT HEALTHY FOR US and we are NOT going to be able to get them to “change” or “see the light” and stop their dishonest, mean, abusive behavior,, the ONLY defense we have is to GET THE HECK AWAY FROM THEM! And STAY away and not fall victim (again) by listening to their love bombs and fake apologies.

Once we have educated ourselves, while we may be disappointed in a new person in our lives that shows a RED FLAG, it is much easier for us emotionally to disengage from that person.

We no longer GIVE away our trust to new people in our lives, they must EARN our trust. NOTE: OUR TRUST. Ours to give or withhold as WE see fit by observing their behavior.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

“…We are aware of the abuse, strange behaviors and actions that we lived, but do not know what to do with them or make of them. Further, we are usually still “addicted,” at that point and have not gone through “withdrawl.” As a result, we are still clinging to the illness ourselves.”

Good description of this Linda. I remember leaving my spath (he was in jail for the weekend and my mom came into town and pulled an intervention on me and we packed up and left town) and all I was thinking is I was doing the most horrible thing. He loved me and I was breaking his heart. He would have no one to pick him up from jail, nowhere to live, no phone (I cut it off)… he was “giving me all his love” and I was the awful person who was betraying him. It took weeks before I realised he truly broke me in body, mind, and spirit and that I was not to blame for his situation.

Truly, the best advice has been given in this article. “…stop the introspection, or at least the loathing and self blame for what happened in the past. We did not do this. We were dealing with dysfunction and disorder.”

Thank you Linda for this article. some great questions answered for all to see.

All I can do is laugh at my bad luck. I was at the end of a very lonely 21 year marriage ( in every way). The last few years were the worst. Of all the people I could sit down next to at the largest hot springs pool in the country I sat next to him. He didn’t even have to go looking. Charmed me (and sized me up) right off the bat. Believe me…I don’t spill my guts anymore. I got addicted almost immediately after we got together. He did everything right out of the book. It lasted 4 years. I finally figured out after 2 years he was a sociopath but, I had no idea how destructive and evil they can be. Thank you, Linda.

Great topic Linda. Sometimes our “flaw” is being too strong.

The topic of responsibility directly pertains to psychopathy. They are looking for someone to be responsible for them, financially and in every way. Ultimately, we are “left holding the bag” as my spath-witch-neighbor used to say. (She was always “telling” me that she was going to leave Ed holding the bag when in fact, she was plotting with my spath, to leave me holding the bag)

Holding the bag means being held responsible either criminally or financially.

Spaths look for people who have an air of authority or responsibility. This strength is what they envy and their intent is to use it against us. When we take on more responsibility than we have power, that is when our strength becomes our weakness.

But this is not the only thing they look for. Spaths are opportunists who will size you up and determine what they can use, against you. I’ve known several borderline persons who got eaten for breakfast by bigger spaths.

In the end I think that the literary archtype of the crippled person with an injured foot, is the best description of what spaths look for. The crippled leg doesn’t get used and the other leg is leaned on more heavily. This creates an imbalance with one leg becoming overly strong while the other becomes overly weak. One leg is compensating for the other one.

Spaths themselves, having repressed their emotions, are emotional cripples and lean heavily on their intellect to create the mask of sanity. That’s why they recognize when someone else is leaning off balance in some aspect of their lives. They love to point this out to you by pulling the rug out from under you. It sucks and it is humiliating. Unless you can laugh and say, “thanks spath, I can fix that now. Too bad you’ll always be a cripple.”

Thanks again for such an enlightening article.

I also felt I was aware, curious, and strong and in a 20 year sexless relationship when I met my spath. And I realize the reasons he targeted me.

At the time, I was a lot more attractive than I am now, and was known as the “Friday night bitxh! I would joke and laugh with those around me but if approched by a man my words could cut him to the bone until he stopped his pursuit. I was untouchable. He had seen me on many occasions but I did not remember him. We even played darts with another friend at one time but did not pay any attention to him. He waited and waited and the night I was most vunerable (the first bombing of Iraq) when I was visibly upset about another possible Viet Nam he made his move.

His love bombing was irristable, and I fell fast. It took me 20 years and a move to a different state and the loss of contact with him to finally realize what he was. The pain was unbearable and I thought I was going insane.

That’s when I started looking for MY flaws. What had I done to deserve this. Did I not love him enough?

Through the help of 4 counseling sessions and the wonderful people on this site I finally realized I was not at fault for anything. I was just a kind and giving, strong person who had let herself be duped by this ingrate.

I believe I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not 100% cured but think I have made it at least two thirds of the way.

To all of those out there that are suffering now, all I can say is, that in my case, time was my friend, not his.

Linda Hartoonian Almas wrote:
“You mention the “discarded stage.” I think that is one of the worst. Because it occurs in the beginning of the break up, we usually tend to not understand what we encountered yet. We are aware of the abuse, strange behaviors and actions that we lived, but do not know what to do with them or make of them. Further, we are usually still “addicted,” at that point and have not gone through “withdrawl.” As a result, we are still clinging to the illness ourselves. Clarity comes later after being free from the madness. So, it comes in time.”

Yep. That’s where I seem to be.
I believe I just experienced my first full blown enounter with a psychopath. After getting sucked into the relationship (Willingly!)- through suggestive words and actions and various games (Which she later denied even happened – even though I can show her the texts and emails!), it took almost two years until I got the nerve to call her out on the abusive behaviour. Just a few months into our relationship she insisted that I see a counsellor on a regular basis to work on my demons. At the same time she was ‘normal’ – even though – from what I know – EVERY boyfriend she has had ended up in counselling on her insistence. (she’s in her 40’s and never married.) I would also have to listen to her go on for HOURS and HOURS about the physical and mental abuse she suffered at the hands of each former boyfriend, her mother, other relatives, roomates, classmates, et al – along with the many other physical and mental traumas she says she had suffered. She insisted that her Mom is BPSD and that she was systematically over a long period physically victimized and used by her lesbian roomate in college. This played upon my emotions and empathy and so I set aside a big room for her in my heart. She furnished that ‘room’ with all of the ‘pictures’ and furniture of her troubled past.

Week after week my feelings were dismissed and I was denigrated and beaten down when I tried to point out my needs and when I tried to tell her about the effects of her words and deeds. When I told her about these negative things that raised my concerns – she dismissed
them all as minor and blamed ME for being ‘insecure’ and childish. Throughout the relationship she would find something to drive a wedge between us and we would be seperated from 3 days to three weeks to, at one point, three months. But my care and concern and “Love” for her remained strong.
When we would get back together I felt grateful and reaffirmed my love for her – which grew stronger and more resolved with each break-up/reunion. One weekend on a Saturday she said she was ‘done’ with me. That night we got together and had a great time. The next day we were making love and stayed in all day. Then I went to see her the next Saturday – a bit unexpectedly – and she FLIPPED out and would not let me into her place or talk to me. That was basically the end – but she continued to string me along with mixed messages for another month.
Then, suddenly came the break-up email. No discussion. EVERYTHING was my fault. In a sense I came home to that ‘room’ that I had in my heart for her to find it dark and empty.
Over a period of time I feel I was conditioned to doubt evrything about my self. I felt conditioned to dismiss my gut instincts, to rearrange my priorities to fit her agenda and to be in a constant state of apology and penance. She used to describe her father as a ‘beaten man’ because of how he was treated by her Mom.

I have my own small business and lots of clients. But I have been unable to work effectively for many weeks now. I also have a teenage son who is being impacted. I feel like my mind and body are being eaten away because of the confusion, self doubt and wondering what happened and how it happened. The echoes of her blatant lies and manipulations and simple, emotionless pure meaness in these last few months bind me. And this is someone that I would say I loved with ALL of my heart.

Dearest fixer-upper, you just told my story.
My x was in the military…21 years. His career. When I met him he had 4 months in my home town, before being re-stationed in another state. Love bomb. I went with him.
Within 3 months he was deployed for 9 months. I waited. He came home, and life was good for about a year. As the time came for another move, and our incroaching wedding day, he created triangles….invited other parties in, to distance, and drive a wedge between us. Through the course of our 13 year marriage, this was always the case. We always had a brother of his, or a friend in need between us, living with us, or something…..I was always promised the intimacy I wanted, always at some later date. I was always waiting. Always. But, I was also always assured it would happen, eventually.
Then he “fell in love” (puke) with someone else, and was entirely ready to get in his car and leave me with a letter on the mantel….only he changed his mind at the last minute because an attorney told him I could take him to the cleaners, and suddenly he “remembered” he loved me.
OMG I could go on and on.
Remember the 70’s band, Bread. “It don’t matter to me’?
Yep. That song tells a story.

Lillian says:

Previewed comment:

Wow. I identify with all your descriptions of the thoughts and questions that race around in the onset of the aftermath. The overwhelming feeling that Elton was singing the suns going down on me just for me. I was so angry for being strong that I flipped and refused to be anymore. I just sat and waited wanting someone else to be strong for a change. Clue phone for me : there wasn’t anybody else out there. That consumed the better part of two or three years.

At the end he would tell me that no one loves and cares for me more than him. He was right of course but that still didn’t make it a true statement for him. He also told me i was an addict alcoholic. He iwas some 15 years clean and sober so he told my family that as well and that i was suicidal and tried to get me committed. but i digress.

I spent at least a year. Yes. A year daily numbly, from a state of shock and disbelief, “How could he do that to me, I’m a good person, I could never do this to anyone!” I asked everyone in sight, myself, the mirror, my cats, my UPS man, the sales person in the department store. Oddly enough I told my story to everyone whod listen, (me who didnt utter the word divorce to family or work colleagues until 5 years after the fact), and told it again repeatedly like i had Tourettes. 15 minutes couldn’t go by without a murmur, utterance, whisper, rant or thought of “how could he”..” because I was fighting shame from a frontal position. I refused to be ashamed. But boy was I angry. And I still am.

A friend of questionable scruples, (he should know this i guess), off history, shaded past, who lied a lot that i met on this part of my journey finally said. “Lillian that is your first and greatest mistake of all. Never make the mistake that others will think and or act as you do. They are not you and will never think or act in the same way as you.” It was like I had been given electric shock therapy. Who knew i had taken grade school bible study so literally. But i was only 5 when in first grade and the nuns were terrifying. do unto others. Easy i can do that. Just didnt realize the other half of that equation is out of my control.

The friend turned out to be a blatant test from the universe okay if we hit her over the head several times will she see that this one is a pschyopath too????? It took me six mos but I did indeed see it. No harm allowed. Props for me. And I know now spath one was looking for me. That I am not the only one at fault here. My women friends are the ones most often saying that you did it lil You allowed it to happen. That part took two years to work through. The spath damage they do is so subtle at first it wraps around us like a warm coat on a cold day. Then there are the nonbelievers. Old friends, new baffled friends, a lazy disbelieving superior court judge, an assigned realtor’s incompetent assistant. the assigned realtors untimely death, the guilt trip hands off family etc. the self destructive phase, the severely depressed and catatonic phase which I still fight. The economy. Hiring managers 15 yrs younger than me”. Unemployment, No health insurance, foreclosure, bankruptcy. A wacko exhusband suing for 100% child custody, Throw in a thyroid malfunction, three ruptured discs in four neck vertebrae all spiny and sharp, no spinal fluid around the spinal cord, overwhelming anger with the want to commit bodily harm that wont go away, and the grace to be so terrified of prison that keeps me from acting on it and we’ve got a good rendition of the 12 days of spath aftermath going on here. And all of you could add your own alternate verses. Maybe it’s a Public Service Commercial for the holidays. .

A quote from the Dahli Lhama I saw on Sunday. ” War is obsolete you know,” he says and after a pause, ” Oh it is easy for the mind to justify fighting back but the heart, the heart would never understand it. In fighting back you bring the war inside yourself.” I cling to that right now as that is the latest conflicted sentiment I am dealing with.

You see tho I have nothing left to beg, borrow or steal. And that in a way gives me an advantage. hugs & love Lillian

(Report abusive comment)

I’m not sure where else to ask, how do the courts look at documentation-such as journals the parent kept about each child and my own journal, medical evidence, testimonial letters from family, friends, and colleagues? I’ve journaled since 2003 specific incidents, what the kids said, how they said it, where we were, if they just came home from dad’s or getting ready to go to dad’s. I didn’t realize my ex was such a liar until we had mediation in 2005 and all that I had documented that my son would tell me, my ex made our son out to be a liar. I never believed my son was lying-taking a kid into a back room, lock the door and demand to know what is going on at mom’s house, saying to his son he only received 10% from the divorce, pulling off the side of the road and demanding to know what mom is doing and who is she with, and much more. My ex fooled the mediator and his lawyer.

I have medical documentation stemming from three entirely different professionals. How is this looked at? My ex will want to smear me for anything. He questioned me through the domestic evaluator if I told my daughter she could have the furniture in her room. Yes, I did, when she moves out on her own, she will take the dresser, loveseat, and armour. I have a plan for her college too and he questioned about that. She was concerned that her dad said he isn’t paying for her older brother to attend college and she wants to attend. Bottom line here I feel is money. It is his idol, it would not surprise me if his blood ran green instead of red.

Thank You for the responses and sharing.
I see that this particular article by Becker on this site covers the dynamics of the trap we can get caught in: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/09/25/accepting-the-sociopathnarcissist%e2%80%99s-blame-to-preserve-the-relationship/

As some of the contributors to that thread/discussion related, I was also subjected to ‘gaslighting.’ One of the last instances of that was when my ex wrote in her break-up email that she had asked me five times to go to couples’ counselling with her. A complete fabrication. Even to the bitter end after the damage had been done and anyone would think ‘Enough already!’ it seems she was trying to plant regrets in my mind and pile on the blame and project her faults and guilt onto me. Boy, this hurts- like in I need to be hooked up to a morphine drip.

I wrote this on another page here, but I think it is worth repeating after reading the above messages:

I am ready to date again, and I talked to a man last night, whom I have never met, and I found myself finding red flag after red flag. The biggest amount of BS he tried to feed me was that his wife died six years ago, they were married for 20 years, and in Alberta, where he lived with his wife, the law states that all of her financial estate goes to her original family ”“ her parents! Do I look stupid to you? I don’t really care about his deceased wife’s estate, don’t know why he brought it up, but I’ve never heard such a line of BS since I was a naive teenager!

He was extremely self centered, talking fast and furious about himself, and when it came to me saying something somehow it all came back to him. I barely got a word in edgewise.

He also said he drove to my city just three weeks ago from Halifax (the other side of Canada) for a job that was starting immediately. It takes at least 6 days to make that drive btw. Then, at the end of our conversation he asked me to go for a glass of wine. I said when? He said anytime, his job doesn’t start until Thursday. Wait? What?

BS| |BS| BS

I’m so glad I can read between lines and pinpoint BS now. I am also glad I can now listen to my intuition about someone and call an end to potential disasters much faster than ever before.

I’m sitting here feeling very pleased with myself; and very concerned about how many sociopaths are really out there.

I hope everyone shares their stories in here, I learn from you.

Fixerupper,

You are “understood” here at this place because each of us has been severely impacted by associations with psychopaths for various periods of time…some of us multiple times.

Of course you are devastated, first the “being discarded” which is bad enough, but the BETRAYAL and realizing that NONE of what she said is true or real, she is an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE…sucking you dry. Your love was real, but what you loved was simply a mask that kept slipping with the abuse.

Keep on reading here and learning. We start out learning about them but then we learn about ourselves and we heal, It won’t be over night, but take your time and keep on reading. I suggest you get Donna’s book “`1Red Flags of Love Fraud” and let your son read it to if he is a teenager, he needs to learn how to spot people who are disordered. Now is the best time for him to learnn as he enters adulthood.

Hang in there, it will get better. God bless.

Along the way toward reclaiming my power, I discovered why I had endured the problem for so long. I pass it along as a means for folks to stop kicking themselves….

I never realized that as a deeply emotionally harmed person, I’d suffered a form of Post Truamatic Stress called “Stockholm Syndrome.” The shattering of my emotional well being was such a shock to my psyche that I held fast to the perpetrator in order to reclaim my previously “loved” self. It took years to recognize that forgiving him would not change him and to recognize the grotesque underhandidness he had dealt me.

I had a child with this man, and struggled to come to grips with what had happened as I raised my child with no support from his father, and held fast by the fear that he could kidnap my child if I rocked his boat. It was a nightmare.

It’s my belief that if the supporters for folks who have undergone this behavior can comprehend that “Stockholm Syndrome” can and will get in the way of exiting from a toxic relationship, there will be better understanding and a clearer path to an exit strategy for victims of this type of abuse. And the horrible blame of others, as well as the self deprivation of the victim, can be better dealt with.

Dear Fraud survivor,

Welcome to LoveFraud and I am sorry that you qualify for our “club”

You are right of course that the “trauma bond” (stockholm syndrome) binds us to them and makes us want to stay even when they “kick” us…just like a dog bonds to its master even if that master beats it, it will come crawling back seeking the pet on the head between kicks.

I suggest if you have not read it yet that you read Patrick Carnes’ book “Betrayal Bond” it is an excellent book.

Again, welcome to LF. God bless.

Fixerupper, I’m so sorry to read of your experiences and grateful that you’ve found this site.

Knowledge is power. Knowing what you’ve experienced will give you the power to help you to process all that has passed. Keep reading and posting and purging.

Lillian, I’ve actually had a friend who truly “gets it” ask me, “How could you NOT know that he stole your money?” I didn’t know because I didn’t know. I think she immediately regretted asking because I responded that I wasn’t looking to be defrauded by my spouse and that I had trusted him. Stupid? Perhaps. But, being “stoopit” doesn’t give someone the Green Light to steal.

So, whenever ANYONE asks me something similar, I respond with the question, “Why would you even ask me that?” And, it’s not in anger – I really want to know why someone would ask that question.

Right now, I have about 3 friends that I speak to on a regular basis. I avoid discussing my situation with them, even though they are supportive and encouraging, because it’s simply pointless. I don’t want to focus on the exspath’s actions. I’ve got a host of more important things that I want to focus on.

Floating Feather, I’m not sure I understand the context of your question. What is the legal action that you’re concerned about? Is this about a divorce action, or is it about custody/visitation? Are you represented by an attorney?

Typically, the documentation is a pile of tree fibers that hold about as much meaning as a fart in a windstorm in Family Court. Judges aren’t interested in who the liar is. They’re not interested in what is truly “equitable.” Even in cases of child custody, they want YOU and the other parent OUT of their courtroom because they’ve heard it all, before, and judges aren’t prone to pay attention to facts, documentation, or evidence. Family Courts are interested in clearing their dockets, getting an hour in for lunch, and getting their courtrooms cleared by 4pm.

I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, seriously. Also, it depends upon what the laws are where you live. What has your attorney advised?

Brightest blessings

Fraud Survivor, “Stockholm Syndrome” is a recognized psychological development, and cousneling therapists that “get it” are hard to find.

Courts don’t “get it.” Law enforcement doesn’t “get it.” Friends and family don’t “get it.” Here, readers “get it” in SPADES.

Keep reading. Keep posting. And, excise that infection from your psyche.

Brightest blessings

I have been a victim many times to the same woman over and over again and always looked “inward” at what was wrong with myself. I have been told I am intelligent, but I suffer with anxiety disorders and usually second guess myself. In a nutshell I feel that I was an easy target for her. I have no friends or support group, so I come here and read the blogs and articles everyday, they are what keep me reminded that I am not to blame.

I have hard days sometimes and waver and think if she only could have been more like this and not like that, but I know in my heart that she is poison for me. The LOVEBOMBING was something I was never aware of and when I read it I knew right away what I had been hit with.

Maybe one day as horrible as my three year hellish experiencehas been, it will serve a purpose to help me find the one I am supposed to be with….. an equal, not a sequel.Thanks to all of you for your understanding and kind words!

Dear Torn: my heart and sympathies go out to you.
I am so sorry you have had this horrid experience.

It isn’t you: it’s them.
They are narcissistic and selfish and devour people.

I would rather be alone than sleep with a snake…hm?
I am so sorry for your ‘hard days’; I know what those
are like. I have had ‘hard years’. It has been a battle
and journey like no other.

Perhaps you should consider counseling, Torn.
This situation is very difficult for anyone to understand
so we have a tendency to keep it to ourselves and that
really isn’t anyway to deal with what is going on inside you.

Be careful and fussy about whom you choose for a counselor.
Search for one who ‘gets it’.

All things, in life, I do believe, happen for a reason.
Sometimes we don’t know what those reasons are
but in the meantime, we must extricate ourselves
from dominating and abusive relationships. That is
no way for ANYONE to live.

I will think of you often and send you prayers.
Find yourself, Torn, and you will find the answers.

Blessings to you…

Dupey

Truthspeak
OMG…I needed a good laugh today, thanks! ((tree fibers/fart in the wind)) But the truth of what you speak of in relation to how the courts “really are” scares me.

Anyhoo-I’m in the middle of a custody evaluation. I’ve kept a journal or documentation of what the kids would say concerning interactions with dad and step mom. My son even recorded a video of himself while I was gone expressing his anger and frustration about his dad. I showed this to two of my sons counselors, no one did anything.

I do have an attorney. He doesn’t seem worried at all and thinks this will be egg on my ex’s face. He’s not the one going through this crap.

Torn, we start out learning about THEM but then we must learn about OURSELVES….WHY we allowed them to abuse us over and over.

Most of the time we find that we didn’t know how to set APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES in the way we allowed people to treat us.

A boundary may be as simple as “If you call me an ugly name you are out of my life” or it may be “if I come home and find you in bed with my best friend you are out of my life” or anything in between.

However, we must learn whhat we will NOT TOLERATE and then stick to it.

One boundary I had was “if I am in a sexual relationship with you, if you are ALSO in a sexual relationship with someone else, WE ARE DONE!” Period, no go backs, no forgetting it…DONE and OVER!

That was about the ONLY real boundary I had.

I had people steal from me, REPEATEDLY. I knew they stole and I pretended like it never happened. DUH? NOW however, if I know you are a thief, from me or anyone else. GET GONE, we are DONE.

I’ve had people even TRY to cheat me out of a minor amount of money in a semi-business deal….OUT OF MY LIFE, DONE! Don’t want them around.

I have people who I know who are IRRESPONSIBLE…they don’t pay their bills because they spend their money on toys and then want me to help them out???? WTF. NO WAY!

I dated a guy a few times and at the time I still owned a small airplane here at our farm/airport, it wasn’t “legal to fly” because A) it hadn’t hhad it’s annual exam required by the FAA B) it had no insurance…this guy was a pilot and wanted to fly it for a joy ride…I kept saying “NO!” Well I didn’t date him any more because WHO that is RESPONSIBLE would even askk you to drive your car without iinsurance much less fly a plane? What if he had wrecked it, plowed it into someone’s house, or killed himself or someone else. WHO pray tell would have been responsible for the damages—well me of course for allowing him to fly it in the first place.

Later, I found out for sure the guy was a DUD….but it only confirmed my BOUNDARY of RESPONSIBILITY.

My own son C lied to me and broke an agreement we had about him living here…OUT. I still love him, he is my son, and he isn’t an evil person, but he did not grow up to be the kind of man I want for a friend or one I can trust. His apology for previous lies may have been sincere, but he sure didn’t learn much me don’t think, because he KEPT ON DOING IT. That’s my BOUNDARY i f you are close to me DON’T LIE and then expect to continue to be close to me.

I’ve got other boundaries…but honesty, responsibility, kindness, and compassion are a few of the things I REQUIRE in those close to me. If a person doesn’t have those things, they need not apply to be my friend because the answer is NO!

Floating feather,

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT and MORE DOCUMENT…GOOD JOB!!! (((hugs))) and my prayers.

Floating Feather, okay…..what OxD is talking about is spot-on. Yes – document. Make COPIES of these documents, as well – keep the originals, and give the copies to your attorney.

Hope for the best, Floating Feather. Be who you are and keep your feet moving forward on your Healing Path. But, be cautious about expectations and attempts at predictions of how this custody battle is going to pan out.

It’s not my intent to shoot down honest hope. We SHOULD hope that Family Courts do the “right thing.” But, having had experience in this, personally, I have to say that it can contribute to extreme anxiety to hold expectations that the judges are going to “SEE” and “get it” about spath parents.

Brightest blessings!

Linda,

Thank you for writing this. It’s a powerful, insightful piece.

What is prevalent throughout society, and contributes to the difficulty of wrapping ourselves around what happened, is that we needn’t “have done” anything to get ourselves fooled or taken in by Ps.

The fact that even the best trained and best educated in knowing and recognizing a Ps’ behavior have been completely fooled should be emphasized not as a fault of those who “should have known better,” but emphasized as how deceiving, persuasive, likeable, and charming Ps can be. Most people like to believe that they are intelligent enough to recognize when they are being duped and nobody can put one over on them. Yeah, right.

There is a mind-set in the mental health and legal fields that the victims must have done something to have prompted the perpetrators to have initiated and accomplished what they did. “What was your part in this,” is not (in my estimation) a question to bring awareness, but a judgment that the victim failed (hence the woman asking you what she did.) There is a societal assumption that the victim should have known and could have done something to prevent what happened. There needs to be widespread, public education that assumption is a falsehood along with massive amounts of information on how to support the victims and effectively deal with the perpetrators.

Linda, you spoke about strong women. I feel I am one of those now with my strength coming because I have survived so much. I get pressured to change my ways, not be so hard on others, and the looks of “what’s wrong with you” etc.

I don’t see myself as being “hard.” I see myself as being “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

Ironically, I am upholding “what was my part in this,” which was being naive, too quick to trust, too quick to forgive, and too quick to believe that others always have our best interests in mind. Now that I wait and see I am deemed “hard.”

“What is wrong with me” is that my son ended up hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation because of the Ps. I make no apologies for the efforts that I will now take to protect us from those monsters. They have not changed and never will. Such is the short straw I drew in life.

My caring and loving nature has not disappeared. I’ve had to protect it because I am extremely sensitive and wound easily. When you have Ps in your life who are still doing harm and spreading their destruction, I have only so much in reserves with what I can deal with.

On the positive side, when I do feel free to share my caring and loving side, I share it with people I do trust and feel will not abuse it. I still am disappointed at times, but it happens infrequently and if and when it does happen, it is minor in nature, especially compared with what the Ps did.

Through the school of hard knocks, I have learned to deal with only what I can today and it does take a lot of strength to walk away from the other opinions, naysayers, the “experts” who believe Ps are Hollywood stereotypes, or what have you.

I second-guess myself a lot and seek other opinions because I do not want to cause any harm to others while at the same time, I simply cannot endure any more harm to me or my son. I long passed my quota for pain. I also do not want to succumb to seeing Ps behind every tree. Most people are good and I never want to forget that.

In my final analysis, I do what I feel is best for us and not to please others; ergo, I am sometimes deemed a hard woman. I see that strength, not hardness, and as wisdom born from pain, but others do not.

It’s also far too complicated to try to convince somebody about the prevalence of Ps or that “that charming person” is a monster. I take a pass on that now, telling people if they are really interested, the Internet has a wealth of information.

I guess what I am saying is that after we survive what we go through with the Ps, I am vigilant. That is not a bad thing. It’s being self-caring and responsible for my life.

Thank you again for this sensitive and very supportive piece.

I feel so blessed to have found this site. Reading other people’s stories really helps me understand what I went through. As with most, my Spath is “textbook” – had I only known it at the beginning when he “lovebombed” me. But the controlling came soon after. I had to take pictures of who I was with. He wanted to put a GPS on my phone to track my whereabouts. There was a long list of people I was not supposed to see and places I was not allowed to go. I became a liar. Because lying was easier than the truth. Dinner at my moms was a no no. But I still had dinner with my mom I just lied about it because telling the truth would have involved so much arguing. He was all about texting. Rarely calling unless he wanted to see where I was. I felt like I was always groveling, apologizing and trying to talk him off the ledge. In essence I was a “hamster on a wheel” for two years. He was classic Spath in that he didn’t have a job, has three kids, three marriages and countless other women. He put a passcode on his phone because he was always receiving texts from women I had never heard of. He explained it away each time. It was always that I was crazy for having these thoughts that he might be cheating and that he couldn’t reason with me when I went to such a dark place. I found a woman’s tank top in his laundry which was also explained away. He would “lose his phone” or it would “be charging” when I couldn’t reach him. But if he couldn’t reach me for any reason? All hell would break loose. Every time he was angry he would take me off of Facebook. One time when he was angry he posted horrible stuff on my Facebook for all my friends and family to see. He tried to get me in trouble at work by saying I had a job interview with a competitor. Then he started sending my boss threatening emails and she had to have him blocked by the IT department. My friends and family detested him. When my nephew’s wedding came around, my family told me they did not want him there. He insisted that he go or I don’t go. My choice. But he would end the relationship if I went without him. So we both went. It was uncomfortable to say the least. We broke up several times but I always craved the “lovebomb”. So I always went back. I am an extremely successful, intelligent, fun girl who is extremely loyal, affectionate and loving. I was his perfect prey. I had been divorced for 9 years and had focused on being a mom to my only daughter. I didn’t date very much in those years. Then I lost 50 pounds and I was no longer “invisible” to men. I started getting attention and I liked it. So I went online and I met Russell aka “Satan”. He texted me all weekend and he said all the right things. Two days later, we agreed to meet. He showed up at my house to cook me dinner. He didn’t look like his picture – imagine that! He was fat and bald and not attractive and was wearing wrinkled shorts and a wrinkled shirt. I was appalled. But we talked and he cooked and we drank wine and he spent the night. The next morning he sat in the bathroom and watched me get ready for work. He said more of the right things. He lived 130 miles away. He went back home and lovebombed me some more. Within weeks he said “over the past few weeks there have been several times I have found the words I love you on my tongue”. Music to my ears!!! I didn’t love him yet but in time I did. In the worst way. I loved him like I had never loved another. The way he touched me was magical. He was affectionate and passionate and I fell hard. Then my dad died, I got a new job and he was offered a job in Tennessee. He didn’t even talk to me about it. Just up and left me and his three kids. I flew there every 3-4 weeks. I was in such deep despair that I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was a mess and I clung to this man like he was my world. But we fought nearly every day about what I was doing or who I was doing it with. I never cheated on him once. I spend time with my friends and family – that’s it. But he wanted me home every night with my daughter. He started questioning who I talk to on the phone. How many times a day do you talk to your gay friend Troy? I would go out to dinner and had to send a picture of my dinner receipt. I would be at my daughter’s volleyball game and he would ask me to send a picture to prove I was there. I was always “frantic”. Near the end, I was even more frantic. He would “disappear” for days. The texting was few and far between. He stopped telling me he loved me. The texts were mostly nasty and abusive. But I was like a heroin addict and he was my heroin. Then came the “we need to talk” text. And I knew. I paced the floor and I was sick to my stomach. I waited all night for the phone call but instead I got a text that he had a headache and was going to bed. I breathed a sigh of relief and went to bed. The next night he said the same thing “we need to talk.” I waited all night for the fateful phone call and finally went to bed at 11. He called at midnight. I was asleep and didn’t answer so he sent me a breakup text. A few days later I went on a business trip, ironically to his city. He knew I was coming. While I was there he drove to my home, broke in and took his things and helped himself to some of mine. Then he sent me a text and told me my key was in the mailbox. When his phone and internet were shut f=down because he didn’t pay his bills, I paid them. Why? Because I had to have contact with him!!! So I am out some money and some material possessions but I am free of this monster. I grieve. Why? Because for me this was a real relationship and this is a real breakup. To him, I meant nothing. That is the hard part. Even harder is moving on and dating others. Why? Because they don’t “lovebomb” you. So you feel like you don’t matter when in reality this is normal behavior. A guy I am dating now says he thinks of me all day long. But he doesn’t text. He doesn’t call very often so you think they don’t care. It is hard to come to terms that you are not the center of someone’s universe. But I also know that what the Spath gave me wasn’t real. It was all a game to him. And when he was through with me, he literally tossed me out like yesterday’s garbage. But I wake up every day and tell myself he did me a favor. Because being released from his abuse was like being let out of prison. I am seeing a counsellor – the same one I went to with him. She diagnosed him sociopath but said she couldn’t tell me that until after we broke up and it was time to heal. She said she never tells her clients what to do but the best thing I could do for me was to be done with him. I showed her his text messages so she saw his behavior in print. He cannot explain that away. He is a predator. He preys on women. One of the hardest things for me is to know that he doesn’t love his children because he can’t. He doesn’t love his mother because he can’t. She enables him terribly. When he doesn’t pay his bills – she does. He lived with her for a year. His step father thinks he is a dirtbag. One time when he forgot her birthday she called him and she was crying. I remember thinking that he seemed so “emotionless” during that phone call. Well yeah – he has no emotions!!! When my father passed away and I was so devastated, he never consoled me. Why? Because it took away attention from him. It had to be all about him 24/7. I do think of the women he will prey on next. Rest assured he would not have discarded me, unless he had another one “on the hook”. One time we had a fight over girls texting him on his phone. He drove away and his phone was left behind. It was barely a few hours later that he was texting other girls saying stuff like “I think about the way your kiss would move me”……… That’s love? Hardly. But I have to accept what I cannot change. He won’t change. He will continue to manipulate and control unsuspecting women with his words and his fake love. Possibly some of them will wise up to him in a shorter amount of time. Or there will be women like me who will fall for it hook, line and sinker. Thank you for allowing me to vent. It really does help. And thank you for sharing your stories with others.

G1S:

Spot on!

DLD1965:

How does someone who is fat, bald and unattractive get all these women??? I just don’t get that. Personally, I would never let someone like that near me. It’s a total turnoff to me. Someone who looks like that could never lovebomb me. He must be REALLY good!!!!! Hahahaha, wow!!! I feel so sorry for you that you fell for that, really. You are in my thoughts and I hope you can heal from this. Hugs.

Louise. How does someone who is fat, bald and unattractive get all these women? He also has three young kids, lives in a tiny apartment, has no job and is on food stamps. Nobody is more surprised than me or my friends and family that I fell for him. I have never dated a fat, bald or unattractive man. So yes he is THAT good. And I was THAT vulnerable. A perfect combination for a textbook sociopath. He was not even close to worthy of me. That is the hardest part. I appreciate your hugs!

Louise,

I really identified with what you said a little while ago.

I wish somebody had said something to me like what that guy said to you. I had to discover it on my own.

Yeah, I ask a lot of people for their opinions (still do in part because the Ps in my family of origin undermined my confidence in my ability to perceive the truth about matters, e.g., “We never said that,” “That never happened,” and “You’re reading way too much into this” etc.) I listen, too, and weigh what they said against what I know and have experienced. Have I ever overreacted and gotten the wrong idea when I was being triggered. I really watch that these days. If I keep hearing the same concerns, I stop what I am doing and take very hard looks at my conclusions.

I’m very human in the sense that I want to be part of the group and accepted, but like what that guy told you, people don’t think and act like I do or might. Like you, I wanted somebody else to be strong and take over. It was so difficult with so much coming at me.

Turning things over to somebody else has often done me more harm than good so while I will always appreciate somebody’s else input (assuming that they have my best interests in mind,) input does not equal acceptance and action on my part. I reserve the right to take what I like and leave the rest.

Hard knocks, again, taught me that I am the one who has to do for my life and that I have the best insight into what can be done.

I used to be so exhausted and stressed out that I would have thrown the decision making to anyone who came along to express an interest. Rescue me! But those johnny-come-latelys are short-timers and they absolutely do not have all the information that I have.

If any gift has come from this, it is learning that my judgments for my life actually carry more value than anyone else’s for my life.

My S mother used to tell me, “Oh, you don’t think like that” or “that isn’t how you feel.” As a little kid, I was completely at a loss where she got those powers from. How did she know more about me than I did? But she told with such authority that I believed her. How would I know that she was manipulating me or lying? In true P form, I think she was just getting a kick out of confusing me and watching the struggles on my face. Yeah, I was her supply.

Sometimes, my emerging strength comes together for me with an image of me being some kind of comic book super hero.

I start out so small, battered and frail, drab and grayed-out, and I literally grow in physique and intellectual powers the more I learn and understand. I begin to shine and glow. I move forward, up some undefined rocky mountain, with people and events pulling me down and trying to stop me. Some obstacles are more difficult to overcome than others, but knock on wood, I do overcome them. I start out as a child, become a teen, then become a vibrant, self-sufficient woman. I morph more and more into a super hero complete with headband, cape, and what have you.

I really don’t want to be a super hero. I don’t want to do all these battles. They take a lot out of me, but as I explained to a friend over the weekend, when I don’t continue, I feel twisted, sick, and dark inside. I lose everything that I gained. Follow the path and trust that my Higher Power will get me through and all that garbage falls away. It’s like the super hero shaking off all the encumbrances, breaking out of the rock, and showing off the true, secret, powerful self that was there all along.

I end up feeling healthy, clean, and very OK. I have color and dimension. I’m no longer a shadow of a human being. I have to keep going because that’s what gives life to the super hero. Stop and I deflate back into that victim. I can’t go there again. If it costs me, then it costs me. What I have today is the best that I have ever had and going back to less is illogical.

I hope that makes sense. No, I haven’t gone off the deep end and gone delusional. It’s just me trying to make sense out of the insanity of the Ps in my life and surviving with some resemblence of actually enjoying life.

But this stuff, this feeling healthy and OK, sadly comes at a very high price. People don’t believe things are that bad. They can’t believe that the Ps are capable of the extreme and incessant behaviors. They think you’re making things up. Jeepers, you’re not over this yet? Nope, not until the Ps stop/die/get imprisoned/move out of the country, or are otherwise somehow out of my life permanently. You lose friends, relatives, and can be doing this stuff solo for long periods of time.

I’ve learned that it is all part of the process. Not everybody has differences with you, not everybody sides with the Ps, not everybody leaves your life, and most remarkably, there are those who agree with you and support you the best they can.

I really take things one day at a time. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that there are so many twists and turns that nobody knows how things will work out ultimately so I might as well do what feels right for me.

I just do the best I can, keep my fingers crossed, and believe that God hasn’t brought me this far to abandon me now.

G1S:

Can you please clarify…what that guy said to me? Maybe you mean another poster?

DLD1965:

I really hope I didn’t make you feel bad. Trust me…I know how we can be taken in by these people. I am just so sad for you that you were taken in by someone like that. Hell…if we are going to be taken, we hope that at least they look good, haha! Geez. My thoughts really are with you and I am hoping you can heal from this and go on with your life. I know it’s not easy, but we can do it!

Sorry, Louise. You’re right. I meant another poster.

I meant Lillian.

My mother had three sisters, two of whom were Lillian and Louise.

I used to get them mixed up all the time.

Shame on me. Guilty as charged. So much for that super hero.

Louise. Of course I feel bad but not because of what you said but because of what he did to me. I know I will be okay. Time will heal me. But I know what you mean – he could have at least looked good! I was always embarrassed when I introduced him to people because I know they were thinking “why on earth is she with him?” Many people have since told me they were shocked when they met him because of his appearance. But he can be attentive, charming, funny and smart. That is what drew me in!

DLD,
don’t feel bad, mine looked like a neandertal with buck teeth.
and it wasn’t just me that got taken in, he has millionaires and billionaires giving him money.

yeah, they ARE that good. When they look bad they just use the pity ploy or they rage.

If he had been good looking, you would be judging yourself for being taken in by looks.

I’m glad you are here to begin your healing. You will love the new you once the process is done. believe it.

DLD, welcome to LoveFraud, sorry you had to find your way here, but since you did, this is a good place, and vent away.

I am also glad that you are starting to heal.. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and there is plenty to learn, first about them and then about ourselves and why we allowed te continued abuse and control.

NO CONTACT with him is the best policy for your healing because if you have contact with him, even following him on FB, it sets the healing back. He will never change, he will go on hurting other victims, but you escaped, you are FREE of him.

Again, welcome and keep on reading and blogging. God bless.

Truthspeak,

You said it perfectly about the family courts!

The only other thing I have found is in my research the powers that be believe single mothers have caused all the US problems so the courts are giving fathers the children at all cost. Until they find the deaths and abuses of these children outway the horrible damage single mothers have done, it will remain this way. They have pumped so much federal funding into this change, moms are screwed.

Faith based organizations are also getting major money as marriage is the only way to do life as far as they are concerned. I am talking into the billions of dollars. So that can explain some of the reason for your observations.

I believe the journals should be evidence of the things that have transpired but in reality they may be used as evidence against you showing you really have it in for your ex as the goal is to give the father the children on some level so tread lightly. This truth is harming children and mothers who love them. I do believe fathers are a good thing in chidlrens lives most of the time but when they’re not, they’re not. Most who are not are the ones who will fight no matter how much harm they do to the kids.

I wish my X had been fat, bald, butt fugly and older than me. I thought he was hot, so did everybody else I guess..oh well

Hens:

HA!…I also wish that same thing all the time.

G1S: Hello.
Hope you are well and doing fine.
Happy to see you posting.

Dupey

Hens, some of them are butt fuggly and still are so charming that they can lure you in. My late husband was NOT a “handsome” man even when he was young, but he was THE most charming man and every woman from 6 to 90 was “in love” with him. He wasn’t a psychopath, just a genuinely nice guy. Guys liked him too. I think missing that funny, smart, interesting, loving guy after he died was what made me vulnerable to the psychopathic BF afterward. I wanted that closeness and that fun…but alas, it was not to be. But I do have some wonderful memories to call upon with my late husband, with the psychopaths, you don’t even have those.

(((Ox)))

Cling to those memories like I do –
I remember a time so true and loving…

I am fortunate to have tasted that in my lifetime
because most people do not.

Dupey

Louise,
They are aging at the same rate we are, my X is pushing 50. Last time I saw him from a distance he didnt appear so hot. His reputation follows him. He should move back to Oxy’s neck of the woods, he has that hillbilly appeal..
Oxy, Dupey is right, not all of us have those nice memories of a loved one.

hens:

Yes, they are aging just like we are. I think I am looking old lately. I hate that as the spath is so boyish looking. He will most likely always look younger than his years despite all the drinking.

No kidding…it seems so unfair that we don’t have the warm, fuzzy memories. But I am glad Oxy does…it’s good that someone does.

DLD1965:

Regarding the spaths looks, I can relate. I also fell for a guy who I wasn’t attracted to at all. He was small, younger than me (I’ve NEVER liked younger men), smelly, filthy etc etc. I’ve been thinking alot about WHY I was and have been several times drawn to men I don’t find attractive. My conclusion is that I couldn’t see my own beauty. Those men portrayed how I felt inside. I felt fat, short and ugly. It’s not nice to say it, but it’s true. Also I’ve never had the guts to hit on the ones I’ve really liked. My subconscious thought have always been: a handsome man is too good for me, he’d never have me anyway. In an absurd way, the psychopath’s appearance has in one way or another reflected my inferiority complex. I thought I was as ugly as the person I saw. In that way he was my mirror just as he mirrored me. I never thought I was loving and caring because I’ve been taught otherwise as a child. He saw me for what I was (the things I couldn’t see my self, such as an attractive woman), I never saw him for what he was- a spath- I thought he was just like me because of his mirroring. I was blinded in every areas of my interior life. Now that I’m working hard with my issues, I’m learning to love my self in a different manner and I now can look in the mirror and truly feel beautiful. I don’t just think it, but I feel it. I’m beginning to really see how I perceive my own looks, and honestly it’s much better than I thought before!

The good thing about it, is that I now can honestly say, I deserve a good man as well as a handsome man. If I ever go back to dating it will be with a man I’ve chosen my self, not because I’m drawn in by patterns,guilt, validation,charms or whatever. It will because I freely choose it my self. When I was with my ex I felt trapped to be with him and I couldn’t figure out why. I felt so emotionally trapped, not just by him, but from within as well. My childhood patterns had taken over my life.

Please don’t take this as a judgement to a persons appearance. That is not what I’m aiming for. Usually people get more or less attractive when we get to know them. To me a spath is ugly on the inside and therefore his appearance is just as ugly on the outside.

Sunflower, for me, there will be no “aiming” for ANYthing. I am too damaged from my experiences and I need every ounce of energy to save for myself and my recovery.

I know I posted this, before, but I had a daydream over the summertime after a number of people questioned my dating, again. In the daydream, I was sitting across my dining room table from a nameless, faceless man and having coffee. The daydream has somewhat faded, but this man tells me, in conversation, that he’s been waiting for me all of his life, and blah, blah, blah. I placed my coffee mug onto the table and told this nameless and faceless man that he could put down his mug, also, and get the hell out of MY house.

Now, to put this daydrean into context, I had allowed this to unfold without a script, in my mind. Would it be nice to have a partner? Sure, it would. Do I trust myself enough to choose a suitable partner? Well, not right now. Do I NEED a partner to feel valid or complete? Uh…..no. So, the end result in this daydream was not that I left myself with a feeling of longing or anything else. It was frigging COMICAL enough to cause me to laugh out loud, by myself!

Any man who will be able to understand my expectations isn’t going to be someone that I have to wonder about. This goes for friends, as well. The first hint of enabling, agendas, or bullshitspeak and all people are out the door of my emotional fortress. Nope, nope, and, HELL no. I deserve ME and to love myself before I let anyone else in.

Brightest blessings

Then we are on the same page. I will validate,complete my self and not sucked into anything else. Therefore I choose if and who I want to be with, instead of need to be with, have to be with, afraid of, whatever reason.

What I was aiming for in my post was our own reflexion in our own mirroring.
Somewhere down underneath my most sacret thoughts I had a dream about a prince charming, but I never understood it needed to be my self. I’m not saying this goes for everyone, but it did for me. WHEN the work is done, then comes freedom of our own will. I’m not going to date now, I’m saying someday, in the future, when I’m ready, I will, but on my own terms. I’m not sure if I’m making my self understood here.

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