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TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: Snagged by a sociopath on Facebook and Twitter

Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Alexa.”

I’d like to tell you a brief story of something that lasted nearly 3 years ALL ON SOCIAL MEDIA and the telephone. I am a 27-year-old Law Student with a Master’s Degree in Sociology and Criminology of all things and this happened to me. A raging feminist who rarely dated somehow fell helpless prey to a sociopath. This was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life and now I can see him doing it to someone else. I went to law enforcement with no avail because of the Internet and my lack of real knowledge of who he is.

It began with love bombing he friended me on Facebook and liked almost 40 pictures on Day One. Red flag went up immediately and after I told him I don’t trust men and I figured he’s a player from his overzealousness; he told me he was a law student at Emory and an alumni from University of Florida like myself. I began to take the bait ”¦ I was applying to law schools at the time. Within one month of our first interaction we were “a couple” that hadn’t even met. He asked me to be his girlfriend after sending me bouquets everyday for 5 days straight. He also sent one to my mother and chocolate covered strawberries to my younger handicapped brother, whom I had told him was my life ”¦ That action is what made me fall and I’ll never forget my stepfather telling me, “He’s a psycho or con artist.” He acted like his compassion was for battered and disadvantage women and children, which was mine. I believed in it.

Immediate cheating

Within a few weeks of me agreeing to be his girlfriend and feeling like I was on cloud nine for the first time in my life, he began to flirt with others, which I would not tolerate. I told my mother I believed he had been abused because there was no way for a man to need as much validation as he seemed to seek. He would tell me after I broke up with him that he was sexually abused by a male and he always sought validation in the form of love and sex from other females so he didn’t feel “gay,” or to help him cope with the theft of his childhood and manlyhood, as he saw it. AGAIN, I fell for this and decided to show him the love he never had. WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS!

Months would turn to years of him avoiding meeting me he called sometimes 45 times a day and he would belittle me, call me names, and threaten to kill himself if and when I left. I never knew if he was serious, and I am so naive and compassionate I couldn’t let myself feel like I was contributing to someone doing that. I stayed ”¦ through it all. He would want me to sleep on the phone with him and I often wondered how he had time to do anything. Eventually he threatened to kill me when I began making him angry by hanging up on him and ignoring him for periods of time. All the while I still “loved” him and blamed his behavior on his past.

Fake suicide

Long story short, he faked his death and disappearance multiple times, to which I felt the responsibility to help. He faked his death (as far as I know now) in May —which I fell for. I eventually attempted to overdose after his so-called “attorneys” called me during my law finals to say he left me everything. I felt immense guilt, sadness, and hopelessness. I was hospitalized and lost my semester, only to be released from the hospital and find out he was alive.

Everyday I reflect on this experience. I see visible scars from self-inflicting wounds during my overdose. I have medical bills from seeking help during the relationship because I couldn’t handle it. I see how my family was affected and my poor friends who had tried to get me to wake up. It didn’t matter how bad things got ”¦ I always went back. It took me almost dying to really see the light.

But even now I wonder “why me?” and what did he get from ruining my life practically? I know that time heals most wounds, or at least helps us move on, but no one deserves what I went through. I went from a summa cum laude honor student to leaving law to escape a man that never faced me ”¦ I live my life between fear and regret, and trying to be okay and actually make progress. I am so grateful to see clearly now. I just wonder when the anger will leave and when I will no longer feel “crazy.”


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44 Comments on "TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: Snagged by a sociopath on Facebook and Twitter"

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Alexa, while technology has somewhat “improved” the spread of knowledge and truth, it has also provided the most perfect of all trolling grounds for sociopaths and psychopaths.

The world learned of the Lybian uprising in graphic detail via technology and social networks. The downside to that is that technology allows for contact with predators that mean to damage, bully, coerce, intimidate, and harass, without consequences. Technology has also opened the door to the darkest side of humanity via deviant sexual imagery that would once have been impossible to obtain without traveling to a questionable part of town under cover of darkness and paying a TON of money to purchase. Now, everything can be accomplished and obtained in the comfort and privacy of one’s own living room.

Alexa, nearly ruining your life or someone else’s was simply entertainment. This worm that damaged you so badly probably would have damaged someone else through Real Life interactions, but not as thoroughly as technology allowed him to. Never let yourself think that he hasn’t done the same thing to others via FaceBook or other technological contact.

As a strict aside, I recently deactivated my own FB account. It’s all blather and nonsense. Nobody cares whether I’m watching leaves fall or my leg has been severed. It’s THE source of narcissistic nightmare fuel I’ve ever experienced – as are ALL social networks. I also do not have a cell phone, and I will NOT have a cell phone. I survived just fine without “texting” for the vast majority of my life, and I have yet to see any benefits of carrying a device that intrudes upon every aspect of my life.

Anger…..anger doesn’t “leave.” It subsides over time as our personal healing progresses. Regret is (IMHO) based upon a personal demand that we have the ability to change the past when we clearly can’t. We can only learn from our experiences, or not. And, the fear is real and can sometimes become crippling. When fear becomes a predominant factor in our decision-making, it’s time to recognize that our damages are far beyond our ability to manage and seeking the services of a counseling therapist that “gets it” is a very good option.

I’m sorry that you had the experiences you did, Alexa, but I’m grateful that you found this site and that you’ve posted your experiences with such truth and honesty. You will find yourself, again, in due time. Looking back at what WAS is only fuel for anger, fear, and regret. Looking at what you’ve had the opportunity to learn will be an assist on your own Healing Path. You are, and always have been, a valuable and priceless part of this vast Universe – keep that in mind when times seem darkest.

Brightest blessings

I am ready to date again, and I talked to a man last night, whom I have never met, and I found myself finding red flag after red flag. The biggest amount of BS he tried to feed me was that his wife died six years ago, they were married for 20 years, and in Alberta, where he lived with his wife, the law states that all of her financial estate goes to her original family – her parents! Do I look stupid to you? I don’t really care about his deceased wife’s estate, don’t know why he brought it up, but I’ve never heard such a line of BS since I was a naive teenager!

He was extremely self centered, talking fast and furious about himself, and when it came to me saying something somehow it all came back to him. I barely got a word in edgewise.

He also said he drove to my city just three weeks ago from Halifax (the other side of Canada) for a job that was starting immediately. It takes at least 6 days to make that drive btw. Then, at the end of our conversation he asked me to go for a glass of wine. I said when? He said anytime, his job doesn’t start until Thursday. Wait? What?

BS| |BS| BS

I’m so glad I can read between lines and pinpoint BS now. I am also glad I can now listen to my intuition about someone and call an end to potential disasters much faster than ever before.

I’m sitting here feeling very pleased with myself; and very concerned about how many sociopaths are really out there.

Speaking up, I am going to presume that you met this fast talking con man on the internet, am I right?

If so:

I suggest that you find some other way to meet men than the internet, and meet those that live near you (within a reasonable driving distance anyway).

Con men who are a LOT BETTER than this guy have sucked in many many MANY women (and men) by “love bombing” them and keeping up a good mask. That guy was just plain stupid if he couldn’t come up with lies that at least didn’t contradict one another, but believe me there are guys who could convince you that black is white and white is green they are do good.

But if you meet people at mutual interest groups, or at church, or volunteer somewhere that you are likely to meet guys your age in your city. Those guys will have friends and probably family near by and you can learn a lot about a person from their friends that they’ve known a long time.

You did GREAT in seeing the red flags this time on the phone, but don’t convince yourself you can’t be fooled any more, because that will put you in more danger. We can ALL be fooled again if we are not very cautious.

You’re a big girl and make your own decisions, but I would strongly suggest you find other ways to meet men.

Speaking_Up, GOOD FOR YOU!!! TOWANDA!!!!

I agree 100% with OxD about meeting suitable dates. Like she said in another post, seeing someone in their “natural” environment (in person) is the only way to observe their patterns of behaviors.

Online Life provides the best cloak of anonymity that humans have been able to fabricate, to date. This guy was a twerp, and how. But, the next one might sound quite reasonable and convincing – he may even have gains of truth scattered throughout his assertions. The only way to “know” is by direct observations.

Brightest blessings!!!!!!

I so appreciate you Ox and Truth…I know I don’t direct talk much in here but I am very aware of your positive contributions in here.

That being said, yes, ox…(going red) I did sign up for match.com to find a mate. I am thinking I am wiser and can find those gentlemen who really do want to find a partner to spend their life with. I am holy aware of the risks. I feel foolish.

Truth and Ox…because I just became a Clinical Hypnotherapist I will need to ‘net work’ to find contacts, it will force me to go out and meet people. I’ll go back to my church, I’ll join the Chamber of Commerce and Rotary club…and…bonus! I even feel like walking my dogs and talking to the people we meet along the way! I’ve really come out of my shell and am not isolating the way I was.

So, I’ll keep picking at these guys online…but I am really hoping for a face to face meeting with a guy who is right for me.

I have no family now. All of my friends live 4 hours away. I am very vulnerable and I do need to be hypervigalent when meeting someone.

You guys keep me sane!

(((HUGS)))

Speaking_Up, I’m SO glad that you finished your course!!!! Good for YOU!!!!

As for “picking at these guys online,” please…..just think for a moment about your last sentence. You have no family now and your friends are many hours away. You are “very vulnerable,” by your own observation. THESE are the things that “bad people” are going to pick up on, whether you speak them aloud, or not.

For whatever reason, predatory people have an instinctive ability to pick up on a person’s vulnerabilities, strengths, qualities, and flaws, and they are (for whatever reason) able to exploit every aspect about a chosen target, and they do it easily.

So, yeah…….Rotary Club, Chamber of Commerce, Lion’s Club, and as many groups that you can involve yourself AND your services in will be the best and most positive way to meet people. Remember, even though you are well on your Healing Path, you even had “bad” experiences in the hypnotism course with instructors that were trampling boundaries. Meeting “potentials” online is, IMHO, the device that opens really rotten cans of worms.

Take is slow and put YOU, your recovery, and your new life FIRST. The stronger you become, and the stricter your boundaries are set, the better quality of human beings will enter into your life.

Brightest blessings of encouragement

Yes! Truthspeak…I got through the course (the instructor in question was only substituting for one week). The rest of the program was marvelous and I met some great new friends. I’m looking forward to the rest of my life and believe this career path fits me perfectly!

Thanks for your support!

Speaking up, Truthy is so right! NOW while you are vulnerable is NOT the time to be looking ANYWHERE for a new relationship.

Relationships, even with GREAT well developed, honest, kind and considerate partners take TIME and EFFORT that I think (just MHO) you need to focus on YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN HEALING.

Right after my husband of 20 years died in a plane crash here at our farm/airport, I was devastated and 8 months after his death I ran into a guy in my living history group that I had known about 10 years. He was now divorced for about a year and the next thing you know, we have a MAJOR LOVE AFFAIR. All my friends liked him and were pleased I was “recovering” from my husband’s tragic death…problem was, this guy was looking for a new “respectable wife” to keep the home fires burning (in my home of course) while he ran around with a harem of long term “friends with benefits”—

Well, it BROKE MY HEART [email protected] I was VULNERABLE. I don’t have men knocking down my door for dates, but the few dates I have had it didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t want them in my life because they were irresponsible, drunks. liars or just plain jerks. Not all were psychopaths, just dysfunctional people I don’t need in my life.

If I find someone fine, if not fine, but I am not ACTIVELY looking. I am active and get out in the community and that is the BEST place to get to know someone. Being FRIENDS is important in a relationship, and ON LINE is NOT the way to do it, people can “be anyone they want to be” on line, but when you get to know them you find out they are not what they seemed.

I really strongly advise you to get off te on line dating thing. It is like fishing in a sewer, you are just going to catch turds.

Here is an article about match.com

Rape victim who met attacker on Match.com tells of shock after defense lawyers demanded she hand over Google searches

* Jennifer Bennett was 23 when she was raped by 37-year-old anesthesiologist Thomas Bray at his apartment in Bend, Oregon
* Bray’s defense team ordered her to hand over list of Google searches, Facebook profile and journals from therapy sessions
* She said: ‘You make internet searches but you never think that anyone is going to use that as a reason something horrific happened to you’

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2215692/Jennifer-Bennett-raped-Match-com-date-says-prosecution-wanted-use-Google-searches-her.html#ixzz28wJzgkNz
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

The thing is no matter who they are, how rich or educated they are, or what they have typed to you…or said on the phone, they are TOTAL strangers and you do NOT know anything about them.

Ox…you are right, of course. I have heard bad things about any online dating site…but I’ve heard good as well so I probably was feeling lonely and wanted to try. Thanks for the article. (((HUGS)))

P.S. have you heard anything from Jeremy?

I_survived_The_Bastard

Oxy

Meeting people at church isn’t safe either. The first person I went out with turned out to be some sort of conman & was going round all the youth groups, making friends with women and then suing then. Yes, my first experience of someone with some sort of disorder, I was 18ish. Had no idea that ‘paths existed in ‘normal’ life.

I didn’t realise at the time. The weird thing was that years later on a college course I was talking to someone & we were comparing past boyfriends. She said ‘at least yours didn’t….’. this seemed very familiar, and I asked her his name. It turned out that he was the same guy I’d been out with all those years before. I’d totally stitched up up, left her with nothing!

Speaking up, he is supposedly coming to see me and film me the last week of this month. Will see how it turns out, I figure I have nothing to lose and maybe something to gain.

I SURVIVED THE BASTARD….yes, they are EVERYWHERE and churches are a place that they do like to hide out….that is why we must be CAUTIOUS with new relationships and watch for the RED FLAGS and at the FIRST sign of one, RUN LIKE THE DEVIL IS AFTER YOU, BECAUSE HE IS!

I read your story and was shocked!!it was similar to mine.i am a chemistry student and i have sth similar going on for 5 months.i met a guy online on fb who was lovebombing me too, sending me poems,songs and pretending he was a musician and i was his muse.we were talking all day and many times night, i failed the semester too,but didnt care at all back then.The difference is that guy is japanese.i was so captivated feeling like i had found my soulmate.he also told me he was sexually abused by a male relative and had problems since then to love and bond with women but i was different.not even once he agreed to show me who he really is.as soon as he made sure i am head over heels for him became abusive,flirting with others provocatively,broke up with me and when i ignored him got even more angry and abusive.i struggle so much to go back to school,but when i stand in frony of a pc all i want is talk to him.i did great research on why this happens i come from a very abusive family all addicts,especially my mother hitting me and calling me fat,idiot and unlovable.it feels i am 2 people one who knows the truth and fights to get away and another who just is trapped.i hope i will manage to end this.your site is great help opened my eyes.he told me he had a fb girl for years before but he got cancer and she was cruel and left him.later i realised he had around 10 fb profiles all my friends boys and girls all day talking to me to find out about me and praise him to me.he never admitted it but i am sure they r his.he makes new ones all time now i know he has over 20 i report them but makes different ones.he said once when he was careless that he has no job,never had one and is online all day.i feel like trash i am addicted to him when he is clearly psychopath.i am sure he has many others like me.i am looking forward for help any advice and guidance would be invaluable

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Alexa, Are you sure this person was actually male? This story stinks of a spath I know who is a woman.

Spaths are fucking evil. tha’ts why this person did this – they are evil.

I am 3 years out, no longer crazy – but defo not healed. Starting to feel a bit normal, and making great progress with it all. I now have a serious life threatening illness, if first test results are accurate. But I will fight, in the same way i fought through the spath damage. It’s what we CAN do – we CAN keep going. It DOES change. F*** them.

Dear Fallen one,

Knowledge is power and by educating yourself first about psychopaths and then more about yourself and why you became vulnerable to the attack, you will heal.

There is much information here…and much support and understanding. You are Not Alone. God bless and Welcome to Love Fraud.

Dear Ox Drover,
thank you for your kind words and your welcoming.I spend all night yesterday reading here and i one phrase spoke to me:the longer you will be away from the psychopath the stronger you will become.so today i erased my profile and left facebook for good.i feel bad already but this time i will succeed.he wont hurt me again i am the shadow of my former self.all my world ended to be one person who is a cheater and a liar.i want my self back.you were right i was vulnerable i was in a place away from my hometown no friends and i am in worst terms with my abusive family.i think he was my way of recreating the family trauma trying to make him non-abuser i went to therapy and the dr told me to cut ties with my family so i think it was loneliness and sadness who made me easy target,you think he can actually be awoman??

one/joy_step_at_a_time

fallen one – um, yup. but there are many spaths out there, and they can be an un-original lot. mine was known for stealing the photos of others, using voice altering hardware, calling after the fake person died and getting other ‘sock puppets’ involved. And depending on what she knew you wanted, that’s what she would do. it’s surprising that *I* didn’t get the lawyer call, as i was broke and she knew that. But we can use the spaths actions to see what we really needed – because they hone in on that stuff and fake fulfill it: she sent me another family member (because i wanted and needed companionship), she gave me drama because i needed a bigger life, she faked suicide attempts and illness as the fake character, because I needed someone to nurture and give to (i had bad boundaries about when to stop said behaviour), she gave me a sense of community, because i craved it, she was creative as the fake character because i was missing creative friends and activity in my life. I am sure that I could list many many more things she faked that I needed. But you get the drift.

one/joy you are absolutely right i needed all those things you mentioned too. they can be so creative i am amazed of what you say.i mean of course i believe you and appreciate you answer me and help me it is just seems so weird how can they analyse so much what we need.do they have so high iq?how they do it?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

fallen, I think it’s instinctual in them. they vary in intelligence. it’s like dogs. we used to have border collies. one was ‘not so bright’, but his instinct to herd was very much in evidence. he would run so hard he would end up rolling like a tumble weed, but he didn’t KNOW when to stop, or which animal to chase – all instinct, not much innate intelligence.

i think spaths look at us dispassionately – the way a predator views prey. they don’t worry if they hurt us, or that may negatively affect someone, unless it helps them achieve their game plan. from what i understand, many have ridiculously poor impulse control (something I’d say that is shared by narcissists, as well). So, it doesn’t matter if they even shoot themselves in the foot in the long term, if they have that short term ‘win’ they will hurt someone for the pleasure of it. Some are smarter and better at strategy than others.

And the wearing of a mask is essential…if people don’t recognize what they are, we will attribute ordinary qualities to them: like loyalty (keeping supply/ prey bound to them through trauma), kindness (ditto), conscience (bwahaha), great intelligence (instinct with a mask where spaths are concerned), adventurousness (actually impulsiveness and compulsiveness), etc.

if *I* went through my life without conscience i could figure out people’s weaknesses and exploit those weaknesses for my own gain, too. We are only pawns to them. Keeping in mind the model of ‘the dispassionate predator’ will serve you well.

Fallenone, the more intelligent the spath is, the better game they play. And, online dating is the worst possible “place” to try to meet a potential partner, bar none.

Online, there are words, only. The emotions that are evoked FROM the words are generated by our own desperate interpretations. In my case, I was preparing to exit an abusive marriage and met the second exspath in a chat room that discussed writing, arts, and other creative pursuits. We “knew” one another for nearly a year before we ever met, in person. During this time, I disclosed my situation, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my terrors, and the extensive nature of the abuses that I endured. I didn’t do this, immediately. The second exspath is a very patient individual and can wait out the Second Coming if there’s something in it for him. Well, he waited and trolled and baited and romanced, and I fell for it.

Without the benefit of visual communication, online dating provides the absolute PERFECT trolling ground for the most vile of the vile. There are no visual CLUES – no body language, vocal inflections, spontaneous reactions, or anything REAL to observe. There are only WORDS that we, in our vulnerable and desperate states, interpret as “meaningful.” And, this works for these predators because WE – the targets – are being as honest about ourselves as we can be, and we expect and believe that others out there will be the same. We have a FLAWED system of beliefs to begin with which makes us favorable targets. Online Life only allows those beliefs and illusions to merge into our own undoing.

Even this site has had its share of trolls – people who are simply trolling for a way to cause “virtual” controversy and discomfort among readers.

Online Life is not “real life.” And, I don’t know any way to convince the general public that online dating sites and “meeting” people in online venues are dangerous, dangerous pursuits. Yes, even in churches, there will be predators, but the difference is that there is face-to-face interaction that, combined with our amassed knowledge about predators, can identify “Red Flags” that will alert us to potential harm.

Online Life is a culmination of words that we interpret in any way that makes us feel validated, good about ourselves, and valuable. Had I known these facts about 15 years ago, I would have been far more cautious and put more effort and energy into healing myself and recovering from my first spath marriage before jumping into a second one.

Fallenone, we TELL them what we have that they can exploit. If we’re childless and want children. If we survived an abusive relationship. If we were abandoned during our childhoods. If we were raised in a dysfunctional environment. If we are afraid of dentists. If we’re in the middle of a divorce. If we’re grieving the loss of a spouse. If we have a passion for bagels and cream cheese. ANYTHING that we disclose can be used to bait, lure, and snag the target. They take each piece of our personal experiences and work them together to present what they think that WE NEED and what WE WANT. Then, they develop that illusion with assurances, promises, and outright fabrications so that we believe that they are, indeed, what we need and want.

Online dating. BAD, BAD, BAD, and I don’t care how many people have found “success” through these dating sites. For every “success,” there are probably hundreds of horrible FAILS, like my own.

Brightest blessings

Dear Truthspeak,
your post is really meaningfull and i can relate strongly to the things you say.I was too timid to try online dating and thought fb was safe and just fun.i was ignorant and naive.I come from a family with addicts and abusers only and i admit in the past i was an addict in all kinds of things: online games,compulsive eating,sompulsive spending,antidepressants (without having depression) but the unbelievable is WORST addiction ever is him.I feel cravings neither nostalgia nor sadness craving.I wonder if i am the only one weird.How can you be an addict to a person?

Fallen one:

I have asked myself the same question a lot…how could I be addicted to a PERSON? I was never addicted to any drug or alcohol, but now a person. The addiction is almost gone now though, thank God. It has been a long, hard, extremely painful road, but I am still here.

Fallenone & Louise, I forget who wrote a superb article about the addiction to the spath, but it is WELL worth the effort to scan the archives and read.

In my situation, I was “addicted” to the ILLUSION. The illusion was so powerful and convincing, that anything other than the illusion wasn’t negotiable. Once that illusion was exposed and proven to be false, it was done. The residual pain, anguish, and sadness were (and, sometimes still are) actual “normal” feelings. But, they are part and parcel of the recovery process. Once the illusion was proven to be just smoke and mirrors, letting go of it wasn’t as difficult as processing my emotional reactions in the aftermath. I didn’t WANT to feel the discard and abandonment. I didn’t WANT to feel the dismissal and disregard. I didn’t WANT to feel all of those very grievous emotions, and clinging to the illusion would have prevented me from experiencing them.

So, for my personal purposes, it is the “feelings” of validation, acceptance, and approval that were addictive. I didn’t have the capacity to provide those things for myself. To let go of those things was a very difficult challenge. And, I often was tempted to return to my prior system of beliefs – that the exspath “wasn’t as bad as all that.” Even today, I still have brief moments of denial, but they are becoming fewer and fewer.

Brightest blessings

It is unbelievable to realise you are not the only one who actually felt this way.I used to believe i was the only one feeling like that.I go to find the article right now!!

Truthspeak:

Thanks for your post. I agree with what you said. The illusion. A magic act.

Although new here you treat me like a friend and i value that greatly.i want to ask you all:what did you do with intrusive thoughts and moments of weakness?how you cope with them?
I am at the beginning and feels very painful and a long road ahead.any advice ??

Fallen one,

Realizing that you do have a LONG ROAD ahead may feel daunting at times, but it is good that you don’t think you can “get over” this in a few weeks or months.

First we start out learning mostly about what THEY are, how they work and what they wanted…money? sex? control? Power over you? Probably all of those and more.

Then we must learn the SIGNS and SYMPTOMS of psychopaths.

We call those signs “RED FLAGS” and they are like signs of dishonesty, irresponsibility, lies, and on and on. I suggest you get Donna’s second book “Red Flags of LoveFRaud” and READ IT and then READ IT AGAIN. That will be a start.

Then you keep on reading articles here, there are over 1000 articles. I suggest that you (for now) just go back and read the articles in the archives under each subject….just the articles and save your reading for the articles, but on the current articles read and blog with us, ask for advice or give advice to someone else. That is where we get and give support to others.

You are NOT alone, and you are NOT stupid, but you need to learn how to give your friendship and your love to others without letting a psychopath weezel their way back into your heart. Learning the signs of people to AVOID. Knowledge gives us that power to protect ourselves. Good luck and God bless.

Fallen One

You’re going through grief. I am familiar with that, and am slowly climbing my way out of that process. What I’ve done

1) come to lovefraud all the time
2) find a personal therapist and go every week
3) exercise and stay busy
4) Listen to “the power of now” audio book when I feel really bad
5) watch movies about sociopaths – there are many – so that I can see the patterns and know that this isn’t about me
6) spend time with friends
7) read “the four agreements” again and again
8) forgive myself for falling for the spathy idiot
9) thank god for oxy, skylar, stargazer, Donna, and so many others on this site
10) give thanks. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Hugs

Athena

Fallen one,
Intrusive thoughts are a huge problem at first.
Coming here to LF really helps. Also, reading and learning about spaths helps with the intrusive thoughts. It turns the painful event into a clinical observation. When you are using your left brain to learn, the right brain’s emotions are blocked out.

Another thing I did was I played with a puzzle. learning to solve it took up all my mental energy and I couldn’t think about the spath when I was working on my puzzle. It was very soothing.

Thank you so much my friends!!i will follow all the advice and telling me i am not alone gives me great courage!!one of the worst feelings for me so long was the isolation i had tried to talk to some people around me but noone could understand they were like ”you will get over it”
Also any movie suggestions about spaths would be a great help.i hope i will be in a place someday where i will be able to repay the help and kindness you all show me

Dear Fallen one,

one of the things that has helped me the most except reading here, is to read good books. The more I read about Spaths the more I understand, but I also read alot of self help books. When I was with my Spath, I had some reactions and feelings I didn’t understand where came from. The more I read, the more I also understand myself. That also helps with my own feelings of guilt, shame, addiction, boundaries and so on. I really recommend it. When I have more understanding it’s easier for me to make the necessary changes within my self and just by doing so I’ve the last year escaped three possible spaths who has targeted me. I’ve escaped new traps and everytime I master that well, my confidence grow, I feel stronger, my integrety grows and the selfdoubt shrink. It’s been a long road and I still struggle with some things, but the results are starting to show and it becomes better and better each time. Don’t you ever give up, work through it and you will live a healthy and good life. Hang in there, we’re all in the same boat (or have been). In here you are never alone. These people have helped me the most.

As I’ve recently discussed with Stargazer, the clue is to know thy self. Know who you are and stick with it no matter what.

Fallenone, you’ve had some superb responses and where you are, right now, is “normal.”

I still have intrusive thoughts, and probably will for the rest of my life. But, I guarantee that this is true: over time, the further away from the exspath that I’ve moved, the fewer and further between those instrusive thoughts have become.

I was desperate for the shock, grief, and anger to hurry up and go away, and I often posted about it on this site. I was also engaged in strong counseling therapy, which helped me tremendously. Healing takes time and patience. And, it also takes a lot of courage and resolve.

For the next hour, if the exspath (or, his misdeeds) enter into my mind, I will “redirect” my thoughts into what I’m doing at that very moment. I’m going to take note of where my feet are placed and whether I’m wearing shoes or my feet are bare. I’m going to examine what I’m touching with my hands and fingers – is it textured, cool, warm, solid, or liquid? I’ll pay attention to the temperature of the air – is there a breeze or aroma? If necessary, I will say aloud, “My hands are in the dishwater and the soap smells pleasant. I can feel the plate beneath the dishwater and I can feel how the scrubber is removing debris from the dish.” And, so on.

I know that this may sound like ridiculous hocus pocus – it’s precisely what I believed it was when my counselor first taught me this technique! Really? Talking to mySELF is going to take this horror away? Well………yeah, it does. After a while, it really works to redirect my thoughts, especially intrusive ones.

Fallenone, you’re experiencing a type of grief and recovery that defies comprehension. Be kind to yourself and be patient. In due time, your experiences will cease being the focus of what crimes and sins you endured, and become the focus of how you will reconstruct your boundaries and address personal issues that the spath used as tools of the Spath Trade. You’re going to be okay, Fallenone. You are a valuable piece of this vast and mysterious Universe, and precious to the world. You’re going to be okay.

Brightest blessings

Sunflower i greatly admire that you manage to spot them, seems they are a lot more around than i had imagined.I read betrayal bond by dr Patric Carnes and i was shocked to see the stages he describes to face the trauma werent just stages to me they were my life.I agree that understanding oneself is the key but i am not happy with what i see so far i must say.Truthspeak yes the responces are superb indeed i couldnt imagine i would find so much support ever the moment i entered here.I dont think your techinque is ridiculous at all i used to do sth like that whenever i wanted to stop myself from crying in public like counting the red cars that would pass but never actually thought of using it for spath.I start to realise that the spath was so addictive because it felt known and comfortable the abuse i mean.my whole family are spaths.for example 5 days ago my father wanted to meet him since he lives in another town and came to mine but i had school and denied.he got hell angry started yelling told me i am a liar and a hypocrite if i wanted i could have skipped university to meet him and hasnt spoken to me since.my mother keeps calling me in random pretexts and justifies his behavior and says i am ungrateful while he cares so much for us while i hurt him and make him angry and it is my fault.

Fallenone, the most priceless thing that I learned about myself very early after the marriage ended was that all of my guilt and shame were core-based beliefs. I highly recommend reading “Healing The Shame That Binds You.” It specifically discusses addictions and how shame-core beliefs leave us open to predators, and how to begin the processes of ridding ourselves of our shame-core and replacing it with HEALTHY “Self-isms.” Self-esteem, self-worth, self-acknowledgement, self-value, etc.

I learned that I had been raised with a tremendous shame-core and that all of my actions and decisions were based upon a system of very faulty beliefs.

Knowing how I was raised and how my responses, reactions, and decisions were based was a personal epiphany. I didn’t “like” these truths, one iota. I didn’t like the healing process, at all – I still don’t. I don’t like the fact that healing is painful and grueling. In my mind, I always believed that emotional healing would be gentle and kind. Well, the truth is that it’s the furthest thing from being gentle and kind. It’s uncomfortable and daunting. But, here’s the upside to this truth: the pain, discomfort, and unpleasant feelings lead to empowerment, enlightenment, and strength.

No, I’m not the same person that I once was. I’ll never be that same person, again. And, it’s sad that I’ve become hardened and wary – I was never hard or wary, and it’s out of my zone of comfort. But, being “hard” doesn’t necessarily have to equal being “mean.” It just means that I’m no longer an easy target and that I don’t EVER have to be afraid to say, “What you’re doing is WRONG,” because speaking the truth might cause someone to disapprove of me or dislike me. Today, I don’t give two shits who likes me and who doesn’t. I don’t need anyone else’s approval or acceptance, so I don’t have to base my choices and decisions upon those ridiculous fears, anymore. Today, I can pick and choose what I will and will not tolerate. And, truth be told, I don’t tolerate ANYTHING that is even remotely toxic to me.

With this understanding and newfound knowledge, I’ve severed a number of toxic relationships with people who may not have had “an agenda,” but were wholly draining and false. Yeah, it’s not fun to cut these people out of my life, but it’s necessary for my self-protection and self-preservation.

So, this will all come in due time. It takes time, hard work, a lot of tears, a lot of anger, and a lot of resolve. You’re going to be fine.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak i never actually thought that healing would be so hard but i believe you are right.i have many toxic relationships in my life.worst thing is i believe society is on their side i mean when i was a kid i tried many times to speak about my parents abusing me hitting me,calling me fat and ugly and that noone would ever want me and every time they were like: oh they are your parents they love you you shouldnt hate them it is unnatural.all this every time left me in deep shame until i stopped talking about it.and i want all of your opinions pls as for the first time after many years i dare to ask again: i admit i hate my parents deeply for abusing me.i tried to get them to therapy when i was younger but always left it saying it doesnt help them.is it really so unnatural and wrong to hate your abuser?

Truthspeak i download the book you recommended me and start to read RIGHT NOW!! since we all agree it is such a long road i need to do my best

Fallen one, In traumatic bonding, intermittant reinforcement is a powerful tool the abuser uses to reel you in and keep you put. That is exactly what this guy is doing to you. It is more psychologically binding than consistant reinforcement is. The fact that he provides a few crumbs of goodness, sprinkled in between the abuse and neglect, is a powerful force to be reckoned with. I’m sure you are expereincing a lot of cognitive dissonance, as well.
I used the first 3 steps of the twelve steps to get through this phase of recovery.
First you recognize your powerlessness over this addiction.
Then, you “come to believe in something” out-side yourself, that can and will restore you to sanity. (Insanity, in this case, is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.)
Third, you turn your will and your life over to the care of a higher power, or, God, or perfect love, or truth, or something, and you develope a way of life that relys on faith, you reject fear, and turn to faith in your higher-power.
I said, “please” every morning, and “thank-you” every night. I asked for strenth to get through each day, one day at a time.
People here, know that I love to interpret symbols, and one of the ways I practice this, is by reading tarot cards.
I have posted a link to the major archana cards, the devel, which means, “bondage” and to me specifically, “trama bondage” and also one to the lovers. I want you to look at the cards and notice, structurally how similar they are. There is a man and a woman with a huge figure looming over them. In the lovers card it is an angel. In the devel card it is the presence of evil.
read the descrptions.
This devil card vs. the lovers card, can be intrereted as the insanity of the cog-dis, and choosing to turn away from the devil and toward the angel, is taking the third step. Look into it. It might help a little. I think it’s profound.

Sorry, forgot to post the links.

http:/http://www.learntarot.com/maj06.htm
/www.learntarot.com/maj06.htm

Don’t think that’s right. Try this:
http://www.learntarot.com/maj06.htm

kim frederick:it helped and not a little.a lot.yes i have cognitive dissonance and i realised when i found an archive i had kept of some old conversations with the abuser.i was shocked to see how evil he was and it felt like it had never happened.I used to believe in God but all these mind games made me stray from that too.its humiliating.and yes i am powerless i recognise all situation felt like moving sand the more you struggle to escape the usual ways the more you sink.thank you very much your help is valuable and you are right about the things you point

Fallenone, I think spath entanglements and the resulting carnages cause just about everyone who is recovering to question their systems of spiritual beliefs. Being “powerless” doesn’t have to translate into being “helpless,” and that’s probably where I’ve had issues, personally.

For me, the cog/diss was in direct relation to my shame-core beliefs. I believed that I was responsible for the happiness and well-being of everyone else. With that burden also came a mistaken belief that I maintained some sort of control. It’s pretzel logic, to be sure, but it was intertwined with the faulty shame-core beliefs that I could “control” other people via sheer force of will. Of course, this was one of those “ah…HAH” moments that helped me to put the cog/diss in its place.

The exspath was a bad person. He remains a bad person. Regardless of HOW he became that way, he will always remain a bad person because he does not have the ability to feel remorse, pity, or empathy. As a “target,” I gave the exspath everything that he needed to work my personal issues and vulnerabilities to his benefits while dismantling my strengths and positive qualities. God, Jehovah, Vishnu, Great Creator — whomever — had nothing to do with my being targeted, nor did he/she/it have anything to do with how I expressed my personal issues.

Although my spirituality is still in tatters, I’ve come to a grudging understanding that the higher power has provided me with every miracle that I might ever need to emerge and recover from this nasty mess. I am strong in my mind, and I always was. I just didn’t know it until the end of the marriage. I am thoroughly resourceful, and I always was. I just learned how resourceful I can be. I have the capacity to build strong, tight boundaries and to place my recovery and emotional safety in my own hand, first, and rely upon my common sense and good judgement. These are all new things that I learned about myself that I had already been gifted with.

So, I’m one babystep closer to acknowledging that the higher power is out there, somewhere.

We’re powerless, oh you bet. But, only over other people. Where our own choices and decisions are concerned, we are powerFUL, and nobody can take that away from us after we rediscover this truth. How powerful does it make a person who is able to look a spath in the eye, identify what they are, and shut them down and walk away? How powerful is THAT? It’s an awesome power, and a dire responsibility that shouldn’t be taken lightly. We can change our own worlds, once piece at a time. It’s just a matter of taking back those pieces and holding them fast.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak the last paragraph of your post is the brightest ray of light in a continued darkness i have been for so long
I read the book you recommended me at the moment and i am in amazed as i see my extremely disfunctional family before my eyes.in the end all things have an explanation.i better know the painful truth than live in a lie and i start to feel rage against all those hypocrites who praise the importance of family without giving us one single clue on potentional harm so when we grow older we are at the mercy of spaths.pls recommend me more of the books you read this one is a great help page to page

Once again i need to thank Truthspeak for recommending me the book.Today i realised i have been way more abused than i believed till now and this is a major problem for me as the spath is spitting image of my parents in bahavior.I want to ask you my friends do you know any site like this one which offers help to people who suffered child abuse?i feel i cant deal with the spath if i dont face the abuse i experienced as i child.i keep repressing it and end up trying to relive past trauma through the spaths

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