This past year, I began speaking publicly on domestic violence and psychopathy. As many of you know, I feel that I have a bit of a responsibility to educate others on the matter. As a result, from time to time, people contact me or put their friends in touch with me if they suspect I can somehow help them make sense of their experiences. Some are in the beginning phases of understanding abusive personalities and/or psychopathy, while others have no idea what has rocked their worlds.
Last week, someone who was struggling to find answers asked me a series of questions. Not only were they excellent, but they were ones that we have all probably asked.
“How did such an intelligent, strong woman get into this situation? Am I flawed?”
I know. This is the million dollar question. “Getting into this situation” has little to do with intelligence, strength, or flaws. In fact, sometimes, being aware, curious, and strong may make us more vulnerable. Why? Often, “thinking people” ask a lot of questions. Strong individuals tend to take little lying down and resist “group think.” When we introduce a combination of the two, we find people who are willing to work hard at relationships, take stands, and advocate for what is right.
On one hand, these attributes are not popular with abusive individuals. On the other, they are irresistible. Psychopaths do not like to be questioned or have their power and control threatened, but most cannot resist the challenge we present either, especially if we are useful in other ways, as well. Therefore, they target us. This does not mean that strong, intelligent women who find themselves in these relationships are “flawed” in any way. Simply, we unknowingly provide a very rich “supply” for their manipulative needs. They hit the jackpot when they find those of us who are willing to engage in their madness. However, we don’t understand that it is actually madness we are engaging in. Their mixed messages keep us confused and involved.
In the case of the individual asking this question, her only real “problem” was the fact that she was a decent, warm, caring, and trusting person, who had something her psychopath wanted to exploit.
“How do these sociopaths twist our heads around? I have to keep looking internally to see what flaw it is in me that keeps letting the same behavior into my life. Any words of wisdom?”
As a matter of fact, yes. We must stop looking inward for our “flaws.” This person mentioned her “flaws” on several occasions. Naturally, we all have them. When it comes to recovery, looking inward is critical. We must examine and come to know ourselves before we can truly change and heal. We must recognize the traits we possess (even if independently they are positive) that made us susceptible to this special form of evil and then work to keep the unhealthy at a distance.
However, that is where we should stop the introspection, or at least the loathing and self blame for what happened in the past. We did not do this. We were dealing with dysfunction and disorder.
Not everyone will understand this. Not everyone will understand the addictive, unhealthy bonds they created that kept us trapped for as long as they did. We should try to surround ourselves with those who do. Going forward, we should listen to our instincts, trust that they are correct, and pay attention to the red flags we encounter.
“I just don’t understand the mentality (in reference to the psychopath’s revenge.) I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like he had a breakdown of some kind. He just snapped or something. He lost EVERYTHING…and for what? What’s he doing?”
It is a tough pill to swallow, but he did not just “snap.” Conversely, he finally allowed himself to clearly show through. The cracking mask. As masters of disguise, they become what they think we are looking for. But who they appeared to be initially is as unreal as the thirsty man’s mirage in the middle of the desert. “He” did not actually ever exist. The mean, vengeful shell of a person is the only thing that ever really was.
As far as what they are willing to lose in pursuit of revenge, it’s fairly unbelievable. This is another aspect that becomes almost impossible for those with little experience to digest. If psychopaths’ main objectives include taking and destroying what they envy in another, their success at this means more to them than how they fare in the process.
They are often willing to lose or risk losing everything in order to harm their target(s). For them, the true payoffs lie in demolition. Additionally, they don’t view their “devastation” as their fault anyway. We “did it” to them. They do not feel that their demise reflects on them in the least.
As far as “what he is doing,” whether it be in regards to the revenge she is questioning or otherwise, we must eventually come to the place where we legitimately do not care. With the exception being as it relates to our safety, how they live or what they do must not matter under any circumstances.
This all takes time to absorb and that is ok. However, grasping and then accepting the reality of the situation is the key to recovery, even if it is incredibly difficult to wrap one’s head around.
Linda, thank you so much for this article – I can definitely relate with the victim’s feeling of being dumbfounded.
Sometimes, there are no reasonable answers. How, why, who, etc…..sometimes, it is simply a part of the mortal human condition that there are, and always will be, predators.
Yeah…..”eventually come to the place where we legitimately do not care.” I like this, very much. And, I believe that I will get there, myself.
It does take time and work, and the work isn’t always very pleasant or comfortable. But, it’s worth the effort, I think. I’ve learned more about me – myself – in the past year than I ever imagined possible. I believed that I “knew” who I was, where I came from, and everything about myself that there was to know. After all, I frigging live with myself, right? Well, it’s been a year-long epiphany, and I have to say that I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Again, thank you so much for this article.
Brightest blessings
I know what you mean by “surrounding yourself with people that understand”. I had to part company with my closest friend because she kept blaming me. I kept going back and I needed to work on my self esteem is what she kept telling me. She refused to even talk about it anymore. She would hold up her hand and say ” I don’t want to hear about it”. I was at the discarded stage and hurting very badly. My family has been there for me more. Unfortunately they are back in the midwest and I am in colorado in a small area. It’s only been 4 months and I’m sure it is going to take much longer to get to the “I don’t care anymore” stage. People don’t understand that it is not like a regular breakup. Plus, I keep running into the people that he has trashed me to.
You are most welcome, Truth!
I, too, can relate to her feelings. I can honestly say that I have never been so stunned over anything more in my entire life. I think that is why I am so passionate about the cause.
I also believe that you will get to the point of not caring anymore. You seem to be taking all the necessary steps in order to move in that direction. That’s all we can do.
I remember when I was first coming to terms with things, several years ago now, I went to counseling religiously. I made sure that I had nothing pressing to do for several hours after each session. Why? Because I knew that I would be useless afterwards. I always left with a headache and tear stained face. BUT that was the best thing for me. I was doing the work that I needed to do to rectify what I had to face. So…you are correct. It is not pleasant or comfortable. However, it is SO worth it. We do have to live with ourselves, so being the best version of us that we can be is GOOD!! Blessings to you, as well!! 🙂
Kmiller, when someone gives you their hand, I believe it is ok to give them your back. True friends are willing to “hear it” even if they don’t want to. However, I think we do come to find that only those with some experience in this area actually get it. Most don’t understand that these are not normal break ups.
You mention the “discarded stage.” I think that is one of the worst. Because it occurs in the beginning of the break up, we usually tend to not understand what we encountered yet. We are aware of the abuse, strange behaviors and actions that we lived, but do not know what to do with them or make of them. Further, we are usually still “addicted,” at that point and have not gone through “withdrawl.” As a result, we are still clinging to the illness ourselves. Clarity comes later after being free from the madness. So, it comes in time.
Also, as best you can, try not to associate with those he has trashed you to. Or if you must, just be who you are. Time should bring the truth into the forefront. If it does not, those folks don’t matter either. We won’t ever be able to convince everyone we are ok. We have to come to be fine with that too.
We also cannot put a time frame on this healing. My experience tells me that 4 months is only the beginning. However, I don’t know what the length of your connection was. The longer the relationship, the more time it will probably take. But you CAN get there. Know that you are fine in feeling as you do. Also, keep a few reminders around of “the truth.” Having a few articles that you relate to on hand may help. It will reinforce YOU if and when you begin to doubt your strength or what you were dealing with. 🙂
Linda,
As a mental health professional myself, one who gave advice to others, I felt totally STOOOPID in allowing myself to become the victim of not just one but several psychopaths….
The feeling of being so “stooooopid” was overwhelming with me, until I came here to LF and found Donna and Liane…both smart and successful women who were totally devastated by psychopaths, but seeing that Liane, who is a psychiatrist herself, made me realize that while I did allow repeated and continuing abuse, I was not STOOPID and I am also NOT ALONE. Psychopaths in various guises and in various kinds of relationships (lover, friend, family, business partners and co-workers) have the capacity to FOOL ANYONE…
But what I did also find out is that we must EDUCATE ourselves to the RED FLAGS that usually show up in a relationship with a psychopath and when we see even ONE OF THESE RED FLAGS we must immediately disengage from this TOXIC person. Maybe they are a full psychopath or just a low level con person, but in ANY CASE they are NOT HEALTHY FOR US and we are NOT going to be able to get them to “change” or “see the light” and stop their dishonest, mean, abusive behavior,, the ONLY defense we have is to GET THE HECK AWAY FROM THEM! And STAY away and not fall victim (again) by listening to their love bombs and fake apologies.
Once we have educated ourselves, while we may be disappointed in a new person in our lives that shows a RED FLAG, it is much easier for us emotionally to disengage from that person.
We no longer GIVE away our trust to new people in our lives, they must EARN our trust. NOTE: OUR TRUST. Ours to give or withhold as WE see fit by observing their behavior.
The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
“…We are aware of the abuse, strange behaviors and actions that we lived, but do not know what to do with them or make of them. Further, we are usually still “addicted,” at that point and have not gone through “withdrawl.” As a result, we are still clinging to the illness ourselves.”
Good description of this Linda. I remember leaving my spath (he was in jail for the weekend and my mom came into town and pulled an intervention on me and we packed up and left town) and all I was thinking is I was doing the most horrible thing. He loved me and I was breaking his heart. He would have no one to pick him up from jail, nowhere to live, no phone (I cut it off)… he was “giving me all his love” and I was the awful person who was betraying him. It took weeks before I realised he truly broke me in body, mind, and spirit and that I was not to blame for his situation.
Truly, the best advice has been given in this article. “…stop the introspection, or at least the loathing and self blame for what happened in the past. We did not do this. We were dealing with dysfunction and disorder.”
Thank you Linda for this article. some great questions answered for all to see.
All I can do is laugh at my bad luck. I was at the end of a very lonely 21 year marriage ( in every way). The last few years were the worst. Of all the people I could sit down next to at the largest hot springs pool in the country I sat next to him. He didn’t even have to go looking. Charmed me (and sized me up) right off the bat. Believe me…I don’t spill my guts anymore. I got addicted almost immediately after we got together. He did everything right out of the book. It lasted 4 years. I finally figured out after 2 years he was a sociopath but, I had no idea how destructive and evil they can be. Thank you, Linda.
Great topic Linda. Sometimes our “flaw” is being too strong.
The topic of responsibility directly pertains to psychopathy. They are looking for someone to be responsible for them, financially and in every way. Ultimately, we are “left holding the bag” as my spath-witch-neighbor used to say. (She was always “telling” me that she was going to leave Ed holding the bag when in fact, she was plotting with my spath, to leave me holding the bag)
Holding the bag means being held responsible either criminally or financially.
Spaths look for people who have an air of authority or responsibility. This strength is what they envy and their intent is to use it against us. When we take on more responsibility than we have power, that is when our strength becomes our weakness.
But this is not the only thing they look for. Spaths are opportunists who will size you up and determine what they can use, against you. I’ve known several borderline persons who got eaten for breakfast by bigger spaths.
In the end I think that the literary archtype of the crippled person with an injured foot, is the best description of what spaths look for. The crippled leg doesn’t get used and the other leg is leaned on more heavily. This creates an imbalance with one leg becoming overly strong while the other becomes overly weak. One leg is compensating for the other one.
Spaths themselves, having repressed their emotions, are emotional cripples and lean heavily on their intellect to create the mask of sanity. That’s why they recognize when someone else is leaning off balance in some aspect of their lives. They love to point this out to you by pulling the rug out from under you. It sucks and it is humiliating. Unless you can laugh and say, “thanks spath, I can fix that now. Too bad you’ll always be a cripple.”
Thanks again for such an enlightening article.
I also felt I was aware, curious, and strong and in a 20 year sexless relationship when I met my spath. And I realize the reasons he targeted me.
At the time, I was a lot more attractive than I am now, and was known as the “Friday night bitxh! I would joke and laugh with those around me but if approched by a man my words could cut him to the bone until he stopped his pursuit. I was untouchable. He had seen me on many occasions but I did not remember him. We even played darts with another friend at one time but did not pay any attention to him. He waited and waited and the night I was most vunerable (the first bombing of Iraq) when I was visibly upset about another possible Viet Nam he made his move.
His love bombing was irristable, and I fell fast. It took me 20 years and a move to a different state and the loss of contact with him to finally realize what he was. The pain was unbearable and I thought I was going insane.
That’s when I started looking for MY flaws. What had I done to deserve this. Did I not love him enough?
Through the help of 4 counseling sessions and the wonderful people on this site I finally realized I was not at fault for anything. I was just a kind and giving, strong person who had let herself be duped by this ingrate.
I believe I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not 100% cured but think I have made it at least two thirds of the way.
To all of those out there that are suffering now, all I can say is, that in my case, time was my friend, not his.
Oh…Oxy, you could not be more correct! I agree. We have a responsibility to educate and then “listen” to what we know. And yes, Donna and Liane are, indeed, amazing women. Too many of us just don’t know until after the fact and some (not all) of these guys are REAL good. But the future can be different. Their pasts do tell their stories…that’s for sure. That’s why so much of the past is either a lie or a secret! Typically, at least in retrospect, we had enough of a glimpse.
LadyA, Thanks! I completely understand that craziness that you describe. Total resolve followed by complete mush!! So glad you found your way out.
Kmiller, yes there is the learning curve. I talk about that often. I recall learning everything I needed to know about the disorder, but then not knowing what to do with the information, at first. I think you are right to not be an “open book” anymore. That is something I work on now too. I am who I am and the core of my personality has not changed because of my experiences, but what I share with people and how I do it definitely has shifted. We must not be “open books” and give it all away for someone to take.
Skylar, so true. Sometimes the strength can be a “weakness.” We are ALWAYS left “holding the bags” with psychopaths. They have no intention of taking any responsibility and LOVE when they can find those who won’t quit to take over. But honestly, I’ll take “being left with the bag” any day over being one of them. And yes, do think that when they “work together” with each other, they can end up in great big messes. So funy that you bring that up, it is the topic for a future blog, actually. Love, love, LOVE your foot/leg analogy. It is very true!
Stormy, time IS our friend. They tend to implode over time. We tend to improve. We may have to redefine and reprioritize here and there, but I’ll take it!
Linda Hartoonian Almas wrote:
“You mention the “discarded stage.” I think that is one of the worst. Because it occurs in the beginning of the break up, we usually tend to not understand what we encountered yet. We are aware of the abuse, strange behaviors and actions that we lived, but do not know what to do with them or make of them. Further, we are usually still “addicted,” at that point and have not gone through “withdrawl.” As a result, we are still clinging to the illness ourselves. Clarity comes later after being free from the madness. So, it comes in time.”
Yep. That’s where I seem to be.
I believe I just experienced my first full blown enounter with a psychopath. After getting sucked into the relationship (Willingly!)- through suggestive words and actions and various games (Which she later denied even happened – even though I can show her the texts and emails!), it took almost two years until I got the nerve to call her out on the abusive behaviour. Just a few months into our relationship she insisted that I see a counsellor on a regular basis to work on my demons. At the same time she was ‘normal’ – even though – from what I know – EVERY boyfriend she has had ended up in counselling on her insistence. (she’s in her 40’s and never married.) I would also have to listen to her go on for HOURS and HOURS about the physical and mental abuse she suffered at the hands of each former boyfriend, her mother, other relatives, roomates, classmates, et al – along with the many other physical and mental traumas she says she had suffered. She insisted that her Mom is BPSD and that she was systematically over a long period physically victimized and used by her lesbian roomate in college. This played upon my emotions and empathy and so I set aside a big room for her in my heart. She furnished that ‘room’ with all of the ‘pictures’ and furniture of her troubled past.
Week after week my feelings were dismissed and I was denigrated and beaten down when I tried to point out my needs and when I tried to tell her about the effects of her words and deeds. When I told her about these negative things that raised my concerns – she dismissed
them all as minor and blamed ME for being ‘insecure’ and childish. Throughout the relationship she would find something to drive a wedge between us and we would be seperated from 3 days to three weeks to, at one point, three months. But my care and concern and “Love” for her remained strong.
When we would get back together I felt grateful and reaffirmed my love for her – which grew stronger and more resolved with each break-up/reunion. One weekend on a Saturday she said she was ‘done’ with me. That night we got together and had a great time. The next day we were making love and stayed in all day. Then I went to see her the next Saturday – a bit unexpectedly – and she FLIPPED out and would not let me into her place or talk to me. That was basically the end – but she continued to string me along with mixed messages for another month.
Then, suddenly came the break-up email. No discussion. EVERYTHING was my fault. In a sense I came home to that ‘room’ that I had in my heart for her to find it dark and empty.
Over a period of time I feel I was conditioned to doubt evrything about my self. I felt conditioned to dismiss my gut instincts, to rearrange my priorities to fit her agenda and to be in a constant state of apology and penance. She used to describe her father as a ‘beaten man’ because of how he was treated by her Mom.
I have my own small business and lots of clients. But I have been unable to work effectively for many weeks now. I also have a teenage son who is being impacted. I feel like my mind and body are being eaten away because of the confusion, self doubt and wondering what happened and how it happened. The echoes of her blatant lies and manipulations and simple, emotionless pure meaness in these last few months bind me. And this is someone that I would say I loved with ALL of my heart.