This past year, I began speaking publicly on domestic violence and psychopathy. As many of you know, I feel that I have a bit of a responsibility to educate others on the matter. As a result, from time to time, people contact me or put their friends in touch with me if they suspect I can somehow help them make sense of their experiences. Some are in the beginning phases of understanding abusive personalities and/or psychopathy, while others have no idea what has rocked their worlds.
Last week, someone who was struggling to find answers asked me a series of questions. Not only were they excellent, but they were ones that we have all probably asked.
“How did such an intelligent, strong woman get into this situation? Am I flawed?”
I know. This is the million dollar question. “Getting into this situation” has little to do with intelligence, strength, or flaws. In fact, sometimes, being aware, curious, and strong may make us more vulnerable. Why? Often, “thinking people” ask a lot of questions. Strong individuals tend to take little lying down and resist “group think.” When we introduce a combination of the two, we find people who are willing to work hard at relationships, take stands, and advocate for what is right.
On one hand, these attributes are not popular with abusive individuals. On the other, they are irresistible. Psychopaths do not like to be questioned or have their power and control threatened, but most cannot resist the challenge we present either, especially if we are useful in other ways, as well. Therefore, they target us. This does not mean that strong, intelligent women who find themselves in these relationships are “flawed” in any way. Simply, we unknowingly provide a very rich “supply” for their manipulative needs. They hit the jackpot when they find those of us who are willing to engage in their madness. However, we don’t understand that it is actually madness we are engaging in. Their mixed messages keep us confused and involved.
In the case of the individual asking this question, her only real “problem” was the fact that she was a decent, warm, caring, and trusting person, who had something her psychopath wanted to exploit.
“How do these sociopaths twist our heads around? I have to keep looking internally to see what flaw it is in me that keeps letting the same behavior into my life. Any words of wisdom?”
As a matter of fact, yes. We must stop looking inward for our “flaws.” This person mentioned her “flaws” on several occasions. Naturally, we all have them. When it comes to recovery, looking inward is critical. We must examine and come to know ourselves before we can truly change and heal. We must recognize the traits we possess (even if independently they are positive) that made us susceptible to this special form of evil and then work to keep the unhealthy at a distance.
However, that is where we should stop the introspection, or at least the loathing and self blame for what happened in the past. We did not do this. We were dealing with dysfunction and disorder.
Not everyone will understand this. Not everyone will understand the addictive, unhealthy bonds they created that kept us trapped for as long as they did. We should try to surround ourselves with those who do. Going forward, we should listen to our instincts, trust that they are correct, and pay attention to the red flags we encounter.
“I just don’t understand the mentality (in reference to the psychopath’s revenge.) I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like he had a breakdown of some kind. He just snapped or something. He lost EVERYTHING…and for what? What’s he doing?”
It is a tough pill to swallow, but he did not just “snap.” Conversely, he finally allowed himself to clearly show through. The cracking mask. As masters of disguise, they become what they think we are looking for. But who they appeared to be initially is as unreal as the thirsty man’s mirage in the middle of the desert. “He” did not actually ever exist. The mean, vengeful shell of a person is the only thing that ever really was.
As far as what they are willing to lose in pursuit of revenge, it’s fairly unbelievable. This is another aspect that becomes almost impossible for those with little experience to digest. If psychopaths’ main objectives include taking and destroying what they envy in another, their success at this means more to them than how they fare in the process.
They are often willing to lose or risk losing everything in order to harm their target(s). For them, the true payoffs lie in demolition. Additionally, they don’t view their “devastation” as their fault anyway. We “did it” to them. They do not feel that their demise reflects on them in the least.
As far as “what he is doing,” whether it be in regards to the revenge she is questioning or otherwise, we must eventually come to the place where we legitimately do not care. With the exception being as it relates to our safety, how they live or what they do must not matter under any circumstances.
This all takes time to absorb and that is ok. However, grasping and then accepting the reality of the situation is the key to recovery, even if it is incredibly difficult to wrap one’s head around.
Dearest fixer-upper, you just told my story.
My x was in the military…21 years. His career. When I met him he had 4 months in my home town, before being re-stationed in another state. Love bomb. I went with him.
Within 3 months he was deployed for 9 months. I waited. He came home, and life was good for about a year. As the time came for another move, and our incroaching wedding day, he created triangles….invited other parties in, to distance, and drive a wedge between us. Through the course of our 13 year marriage, this was always the case. We always had a brother of his, or a friend in need between us, living with us, or something…..I was always promised the intimacy I wanted, always at some later date. I was always waiting. Always. But, I was also always assured it would happen, eventually.
Then he “fell in love” (puke) with someone else, and was entirely ready to get in his car and leave me with a letter on the mantel….only he changed his mind at the last minute because an attorney told him I could take him to the cleaners, and suddenly he “remembered” he loved me.
OMG I could go on and on.
Remember the 70’s band, Bread. “It don’t matter to me’?
Yep. That song tells a story.
Lillian says:
Previewed comment:
Wow. I identify with all your descriptions of the thoughts and questions that race around in the onset of the aftermath. The overwhelming feeling that Elton was singing the suns going down on me just for me. I was so angry for being strong that I flipped and refused to be anymore. I just sat and waited wanting someone else to be strong for a change. Clue phone for me : there wasn’t anybody else out there. That consumed the better part of two or three years.
At the end he would tell me that no one loves and cares for me more than him. He was right of course but that still didn’t make it a true statement for him. He also told me i was an addict alcoholic. He iwas some 15 years clean and sober so he told my family that as well and that i was suicidal and tried to get me committed. but i digress.
I spent at least a year. Yes. A year daily numbly, from a state of shock and disbelief, “How could he do that to me, I’m a good person, I could never do this to anyone!” I asked everyone in sight, myself, the mirror, my cats, my UPS man, the sales person in the department store. Oddly enough I told my story to everyone whod listen, (me who didnt utter the word divorce to family or work colleagues until 5 years after the fact), and told it again repeatedly like i had Tourettes. 15 minutes couldn’t go by without a murmur, utterance, whisper, rant or thought of “how could he”..” because I was fighting shame from a frontal position. I refused to be ashamed. But boy was I angry. And I still am.
A friend of questionable scruples, (he should know this i guess), off history, shaded past, who lied a lot that i met on this part of my journey finally said. “Lillian that is your first and greatest mistake of all. Never make the mistake that others will think and or act as you do. They are not you and will never think or act in the same way as you.” It was like I had been given electric shock therapy. Who knew i had taken grade school bible study so literally. But i was only 5 when in first grade and the nuns were terrifying. do unto others. Easy i can do that. Just didnt realize the other half of that equation is out of my control.
The friend turned out to be a blatant test from the universe okay if we hit her over the head several times will she see that this one is a pschyopath too????? It took me six mos but I did indeed see it. No harm allowed. Props for me. And I know now spath one was looking for me. That I am not the only one at fault here. My women friends are the ones most often saying that you did it lil You allowed it to happen. That part took two years to work through. The spath damage they do is so subtle at first it wraps around us like a warm coat on a cold day. Then there are the nonbelievers. Old friends, new baffled friends, a lazy disbelieving superior court judge, an assigned realtor’s incompetent assistant. the assigned realtors untimely death, the guilt trip hands off family etc. the self destructive phase, the severely depressed and catatonic phase which I still fight. The economy. Hiring managers 15 yrs younger than me”. Unemployment, No health insurance, foreclosure, bankruptcy. A wacko exhusband suing for 100% child custody, Throw in a thyroid malfunction, three ruptured discs in four neck vertebrae all spiny and sharp, no spinal fluid around the spinal cord, overwhelming anger with the want to commit bodily harm that wont go away, and the grace to be so terrified of prison that keeps me from acting on it and we’ve got a good rendition of the 12 days of spath aftermath going on here. And all of you could add your own alternate verses. Maybe it’s a Public Service Commercial for the holidays. .
A quote from the Dahli Lhama I saw on Sunday. ” War is obsolete you know,” he says and after a pause, ” Oh it is easy for the mind to justify fighting back but the heart, the heart would never understand it. In fighting back you bring the war inside yourself.” I cling to that right now as that is the latest conflicted sentiment I am dealing with.
You see tho I have nothing left to beg, borrow or steal. And that in a way gives me an advantage. hugs & love Lillian
(Report abusive comment)
I’m not sure where else to ask, how do the courts look at documentation-such as journals the parent kept about each child and my own journal, medical evidence, testimonial letters from family, friends, and colleagues? I’ve journaled since 2003 specific incidents, what the kids said, how they said it, where we were, if they just came home from dad’s or getting ready to go to dad’s. I didn’t realize my ex was such a liar until we had mediation in 2005 and all that I had documented that my son would tell me, my ex made our son out to be a liar. I never believed my son was lying-taking a kid into a back room, lock the door and demand to know what is going on at mom’s house, saying to his son he only received 10% from the divorce, pulling off the side of the road and demanding to know what mom is doing and who is she with, and much more. My ex fooled the mediator and his lawyer.
I have medical documentation stemming from three entirely different professionals. How is this looked at? My ex will want to smear me for anything. He questioned me through the domestic evaluator if I told my daughter she could have the furniture in her room. Yes, I did, when she moves out on her own, she will take the dresser, loveseat, and armour. I have a plan for her college too and he questioned about that. She was concerned that her dad said he isn’t paying for her older brother to attend college and she wants to attend. Bottom line here I feel is money. It is his idol, it would not surprise me if his blood ran green instead of red.
Thank You for the responses and sharing.
I see that this particular article by Becker on this site covers the dynamics of the trap we can get caught in: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/09/25/accepting-the-sociopathnarcissist%e2%80%99s-blame-to-preserve-the-relationship/
As some of the contributors to that thread/discussion related, I was also subjected to ‘gaslighting.’ One of the last instances of that was when my ex wrote in her break-up email that she had asked me five times to go to couples’ counselling with her. A complete fabrication. Even to the bitter end after the damage had been done and anyone would think ‘Enough already!’ it seems she was trying to plant regrets in my mind and pile on the blame and project her faults and guilt onto me. Boy, this hurts- like in I need to be hooked up to a morphine drip.
I wrote this on another page here, but I think it is worth repeating after reading the above messages:
I am ready to date again, and I talked to a man last night, whom I have never met, and I found myself finding red flag after red flag. The biggest amount of BS he tried to feed me was that his wife died six years ago, they were married for 20 years, and in Alberta, where he lived with his wife, the law states that all of her financial estate goes to her original family ”“ her parents! Do I look stupid to you? I don’t really care about his deceased wife’s estate, don’t know why he brought it up, but I’ve never heard such a line of BS since I was a naive teenager!
He was extremely self centered, talking fast and furious about himself, and when it came to me saying something somehow it all came back to him. I barely got a word in edgewise.
He also said he drove to my city just three weeks ago from Halifax (the other side of Canada) for a job that was starting immediately. It takes at least 6 days to make that drive btw. Then, at the end of our conversation he asked me to go for a glass of wine. I said when? He said anytime, his job doesn’t start until Thursday. Wait? What?
BS| |BS| BS
I’m so glad I can read between lines and pinpoint BS now. I am also glad I can now listen to my intuition about someone and call an end to potential disasters much faster than ever before.
I’m sitting here feeling very pleased with myself; and very concerned about how many sociopaths are really out there.
I hope everyone shares their stories in here, I learn from you.
Fixerupper,
You are “understood” here at this place because each of us has been severely impacted by associations with psychopaths for various periods of time…some of us multiple times.
Of course you are devastated, first the “being discarded” which is bad enough, but the BETRAYAL and realizing that NONE of what she said is true or real, she is an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE…sucking you dry. Your love was real, but what you loved was simply a mask that kept slipping with the abuse.
Keep on reading here and learning. We start out learning about them but then we learn about ourselves and we heal, It won’t be over night, but take your time and keep on reading. I suggest you get Donna’s book “`1Red Flags of Love Fraud” and let your son read it to if he is a teenager, he needs to learn how to spot people who are disordered. Now is the best time for him to learnn as he enters adulthood.
Hang in there, it will get better. God bless.
Along the way toward reclaiming my power, I discovered why I had endured the problem for so long. I pass it along as a means for folks to stop kicking themselves….
I never realized that as a deeply emotionally harmed person, I’d suffered a form of Post Truamatic Stress called “Stockholm Syndrome.” The shattering of my emotional well being was such a shock to my psyche that I held fast to the perpetrator in order to reclaim my previously “loved” self. It took years to recognize that forgiving him would not change him and to recognize the grotesque underhandidness he had dealt me.
I had a child with this man, and struggled to come to grips with what had happened as I raised my child with no support from his father, and held fast by the fear that he could kidnap my child if I rocked his boat. It was a nightmare.
It’s my belief that if the supporters for folks who have undergone this behavior can comprehend that “Stockholm Syndrome” can and will get in the way of exiting from a toxic relationship, there will be better understanding and a clearer path to an exit strategy for victims of this type of abuse. And the horrible blame of others, as well as the self deprivation of the victim, can be better dealt with.
Dear Fraud survivor,
Welcome to LoveFraud and I am sorry that you qualify for our “club”
You are right of course that the “trauma bond” (stockholm syndrome) binds us to them and makes us want to stay even when they “kick” us…just like a dog bonds to its master even if that master beats it, it will come crawling back seeking the pet on the head between kicks.
I suggest if you have not read it yet that you read Patrick Carnes’ book “Betrayal Bond” it is an excellent book.
Again, welcome to LF. God bless.
Fixerupper, I’m so sorry to read of your experiences and grateful that you’ve found this site.
Knowledge is power. Knowing what you’ve experienced will give you the power to help you to process all that has passed. Keep reading and posting and purging.
Lillian, I’ve actually had a friend who truly “gets it” ask me, “How could you NOT know that he stole your money?” I didn’t know because I didn’t know. I think she immediately regretted asking because I responded that I wasn’t looking to be defrauded by my spouse and that I had trusted him. Stupid? Perhaps. But, being “stoopit” doesn’t give someone the Green Light to steal.
So, whenever ANYONE asks me something similar, I respond with the question, “Why would you even ask me that?” And, it’s not in anger – I really want to know why someone would ask that question.
Right now, I have about 3 friends that I speak to on a regular basis. I avoid discussing my situation with them, even though they are supportive and encouraging, because it’s simply pointless. I don’t want to focus on the exspath’s actions. I’ve got a host of more important things that I want to focus on.
Floating Feather, I’m not sure I understand the context of your question. What is the legal action that you’re concerned about? Is this about a divorce action, or is it about custody/visitation? Are you represented by an attorney?
Typically, the documentation is a pile of tree fibers that hold about as much meaning as a fart in a windstorm in Family Court. Judges aren’t interested in who the liar is. They’re not interested in what is truly “equitable.” Even in cases of child custody, they want YOU and the other parent OUT of their courtroom because they’ve heard it all, before, and judges aren’t prone to pay attention to facts, documentation, or evidence. Family Courts are interested in clearing their dockets, getting an hour in for lunch, and getting their courtrooms cleared by 4pm.
I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, seriously. Also, it depends upon what the laws are where you live. What has your attorney advised?
Brightest blessings
Fraud Survivor, “Stockholm Syndrome” is a recognized psychological development, and cousneling therapists that “get it” are hard to find.
Courts don’t “get it.” Law enforcement doesn’t “get it.” Friends and family don’t “get it.” Here, readers “get it” in SPADES.
Keep reading. Keep posting. And, excise that infection from your psyche.
Brightest blessings