This past year, I began speaking publicly on domestic violence and psychopathy. As many of you know, I feel that I have a bit of a responsibility to educate others on the matter. As a result, from time to time, people contact me or put their friends in touch with me if they suspect I can somehow help them make sense of their experiences. Some are in the beginning phases of understanding abusive personalities and/or psychopathy, while others have no idea what has rocked their worlds.
Last week, someone who was struggling to find answers asked me a series of questions. Not only were they excellent, but they were ones that we have all probably asked.
“How did such an intelligent, strong woman get into this situation? Am I flawed?”
I know. This is the million dollar question. “Getting into this situation” has little to do with intelligence, strength, or flaws. In fact, sometimes, being aware, curious, and strong may make us more vulnerable. Why? Often, “thinking people” ask a lot of questions. Strong individuals tend to take little lying down and resist “group think.” When we introduce a combination of the two, we find people who are willing to work hard at relationships, take stands, and advocate for what is right.
On one hand, these attributes are not popular with abusive individuals. On the other, they are irresistible. Psychopaths do not like to be questioned or have their power and control threatened, but most cannot resist the challenge we present either, especially if we are useful in other ways, as well. Therefore, they target us. This does not mean that strong, intelligent women who find themselves in these relationships are “flawed” in any way. Simply, we unknowingly provide a very rich “supply” for their manipulative needs. They hit the jackpot when they find those of us who are willing to engage in their madness. However, we don’t understand that it is actually madness we are engaging in. Their mixed messages keep us confused and involved.
In the case of the individual asking this question, her only real “problem” was the fact that she was a decent, warm, caring, and trusting person, who had something her psychopath wanted to exploit.
“How do these sociopaths twist our heads around? I have to keep looking internally to see what flaw it is in me that keeps letting the same behavior into my life. Any words of wisdom?”
As a matter of fact, yes. We must stop looking inward for our “flaws.” This person mentioned her “flaws” on several occasions. Naturally, we all have them. When it comes to recovery, looking inward is critical. We must examine and come to know ourselves before we can truly change and heal. We must recognize the traits we possess (even if independently they are positive) that made us susceptible to this special form of evil and then work to keep the unhealthy at a distance.
However, that is where we should stop the introspection, or at least the loathing and self blame for what happened in the past. We did not do this. We were dealing with dysfunction and disorder.
Not everyone will understand this. Not everyone will understand the addictive, unhealthy bonds they created that kept us trapped for as long as they did. We should try to surround ourselves with those who do. Going forward, we should listen to our instincts, trust that they are correct, and pay attention to the red flags we encounter.
“I just don’t understand the mentality (in reference to the psychopath’s revenge.) I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like he had a breakdown of some kind. He just snapped or something. He lost EVERYTHING…and for what? What’s he doing?”
It is a tough pill to swallow, but he did not just “snap.” Conversely, he finally allowed himself to clearly show through. The cracking mask. As masters of disguise, they become what they think we are looking for. But who they appeared to be initially is as unreal as the thirsty man’s mirage in the middle of the desert. “He” did not actually ever exist. The mean, vengeful shell of a person is the only thing that ever really was.
As far as what they are willing to lose in pursuit of revenge, it’s fairly unbelievable. This is another aspect that becomes almost impossible for those with little experience to digest. If psychopaths’ main objectives include taking and destroying what they envy in another, their success at this means more to them than how they fare in the process.
They are often willing to lose or risk losing everything in order to harm their target(s). For them, the true payoffs lie in demolition. Additionally, they don’t view their “devastation” as their fault anyway. We “did it” to them. They do not feel that their demise reflects on them in the least.
As far as “what he is doing,” whether it be in regards to the revenge she is questioning or otherwise, we must eventually come to the place where we legitimately do not care. With the exception being as it relates to our safety, how they live or what they do must not matter under any circumstances.
This all takes time to absorb and that is ok. However, grasping and then accepting the reality of the situation is the key to recovery, even if it is incredibly difficult to wrap one’s head around.
Louise. How does someone who is fat, bald and unattractive get all these women? He also has three young kids, lives in a tiny apartment, has no job and is on food stamps. Nobody is more surprised than me or my friends and family that I fell for him. I have never dated a fat, bald or unattractive man. So yes he is THAT good. And I was THAT vulnerable. A perfect combination for a textbook sociopath. He was not even close to worthy of me. That is the hardest part. I appreciate your hugs!
Louise,
I really identified with what you said a little while ago.
I wish somebody had said something to me like what that guy said to you. I had to discover it on my own.
Yeah, I ask a lot of people for their opinions (still do in part because the Ps in my family of origin undermined my confidence in my ability to perceive the truth about matters, e.g., “We never said that,” “That never happened,” and “You’re reading way too much into this” etc.) I listen, too, and weigh what they said against what I know and have experienced. Have I ever overreacted and gotten the wrong idea when I was being triggered. I really watch that these days. If I keep hearing the same concerns, I stop what I am doing and take very hard looks at my conclusions.
I’m very human in the sense that I want to be part of the group and accepted, but like what that guy told you, people don’t think and act like I do or might. Like you, I wanted somebody else to be strong and take over. It was so difficult with so much coming at me.
Turning things over to somebody else has often done me more harm than good so while I will always appreciate somebody’s else input (assuming that they have my best interests in mind,) input does not equal acceptance and action on my part. I reserve the right to take what I like and leave the rest.
Hard knocks, again, taught me that I am the one who has to do for my life and that I have the best insight into what can be done.
I used to be so exhausted and stressed out that I would have thrown the decision making to anyone who came along to express an interest. Rescue me! But those johnny-come-latelys are short-timers and they absolutely do not have all the information that I have.
If any gift has come from this, it is learning that my judgments for my life actually carry more value than anyone else’s for my life.
My S mother used to tell me, “Oh, you don’t think like that” or “that isn’t how you feel.” As a little kid, I was completely at a loss where she got those powers from. How did she know more about me than I did? But she told with such authority that I believed her. How would I know that she was manipulating me or lying? In true P form, I think she was just getting a kick out of confusing me and watching the struggles on my face. Yeah, I was her supply.
Sometimes, my emerging strength comes together for me with an image of me being some kind of comic book super hero.
I start out so small, battered and frail, drab and grayed-out, and I literally grow in physique and intellectual powers the more I learn and understand. I begin to shine and glow. I move forward, up some undefined rocky mountain, with people and events pulling me down and trying to stop me. Some obstacles are more difficult to overcome than others, but knock on wood, I do overcome them. I start out as a child, become a teen, then become a vibrant, self-sufficient woman. I morph more and more into a super hero complete with headband, cape, and what have you.
I really don’t want to be a super hero. I don’t want to do all these battles. They take a lot out of me, but as I explained to a friend over the weekend, when I don’t continue, I feel twisted, sick, and dark inside. I lose everything that I gained. Follow the path and trust that my Higher Power will get me through and all that garbage falls away. It’s like the super hero shaking off all the encumbrances, breaking out of the rock, and showing off the true, secret, powerful self that was there all along.
I end up feeling healthy, clean, and very OK. I have color and dimension. I’m no longer a shadow of a human being. I have to keep going because that’s what gives life to the super hero. Stop and I deflate back into that victim. I can’t go there again. If it costs me, then it costs me. What I have today is the best that I have ever had and going back to less is illogical.
I hope that makes sense. No, I haven’t gone off the deep end and gone delusional. It’s just me trying to make sense out of the insanity of the Ps in my life and surviving with some resemblence of actually enjoying life.
But this stuff, this feeling healthy and OK, sadly comes at a very high price. People don’t believe things are that bad. They can’t believe that the Ps are capable of the extreme and incessant behaviors. They think you’re making things up. Jeepers, you’re not over this yet? Nope, not until the Ps stop/die/get imprisoned/move out of the country, or are otherwise somehow out of my life permanently. You lose friends, relatives, and can be doing this stuff solo for long periods of time.
I’ve learned that it is all part of the process. Not everybody has differences with you, not everybody sides with the Ps, not everybody leaves your life, and most remarkably, there are those who agree with you and support you the best they can.
I really take things one day at a time. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that there are so many twists and turns that nobody knows how things will work out ultimately so I might as well do what feels right for me.
I just do the best I can, keep my fingers crossed, and believe that God hasn’t brought me this far to abandon me now.
G1S:
Can you please clarify…what that guy said to me? Maybe you mean another poster?
DLD1965:
I really hope I didn’t make you feel bad. Trust me…I know how we can be taken in by these people. I am just so sad for you that you were taken in by someone like that. Hell…if we are going to be taken, we hope that at least they look good, haha! Geez. My thoughts really are with you and I am hoping you can heal from this and go on with your life. I know it’s not easy, but we can do it!
Sorry, Louise. You’re right. I meant another poster.
I meant Lillian.
My mother had three sisters, two of whom were Lillian and Louise.
I used to get them mixed up all the time.
Shame on me. Guilty as charged. So much for that super hero.
Louise. Of course I feel bad but not because of what you said but because of what he did to me. I know I will be okay. Time will heal me. But I know what you mean – he could have at least looked good! I was always embarrassed when I introduced him to people because I know they were thinking “why on earth is she with him?” Many people have since told me they were shocked when they met him because of his appearance. But he can be attentive, charming, funny and smart. That is what drew me in!
DLD,
don’t feel bad, mine looked like a neandertal with buck teeth.
and it wasn’t just me that got taken in, he has millionaires and billionaires giving him money.
yeah, they ARE that good. When they look bad they just use the pity ploy or they rage.
If he had been good looking, you would be judging yourself for being taken in by looks.
I’m glad you are here to begin your healing. You will love the new you once the process is done. believe it.
DLD, welcome to LoveFraud, sorry you had to find your way here, but since you did, this is a good place, and vent away.
I am also glad that you are starting to heal.. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and there is plenty to learn, first about them and then about ourselves and why we allowed te continued abuse and control.
NO CONTACT with him is the best policy for your healing because if you have contact with him, even following him on FB, it sets the healing back. He will never change, he will go on hurting other victims, but you escaped, you are FREE of him.
Again, welcome and keep on reading and blogging. God bless.
You are most welcome, G1S. Glad to see you here again! 🙂
Truthspeak,
You said it perfectly about the family courts!
The only other thing I have found is in my research the powers that be believe single mothers have caused all the US problems so the courts are giving fathers the children at all cost. Until they find the deaths and abuses of these children outway the horrible damage single mothers have done, it will remain this way. They have pumped so much federal funding into this change, moms are screwed.
Faith based organizations are also getting major money as marriage is the only way to do life as far as they are concerned. I am talking into the billions of dollars. So that can explain some of the reason for your observations.
I believe the journals should be evidence of the things that have transpired but in reality they may be used as evidence against you showing you really have it in for your ex as the goal is to give the father the children on some level so tread lightly. This truth is harming children and mothers who love them. I do believe fathers are a good thing in chidlrens lives most of the time but when they’re not, they’re not. Most who are not are the ones who will fight no matter how much harm they do to the kids.