This past year, I began speaking publicly on domestic violence and psychopathy. As many of you know, I feel that I have a bit of a responsibility to educate others on the matter. As a result, from time to time, people contact me or put their friends in touch with me if they suspect I can somehow help them make sense of their experiences. Some are in the beginning phases of understanding abusive personalities and/or psychopathy, while others have no idea what has rocked their worlds.
Last week, someone who was struggling to find answers asked me a series of questions. Not only were they excellent, but they were ones that we have all probably asked.
“How did such an intelligent, strong woman get into this situation? Am I flawed?”
I know. This is the million dollar question. “Getting into this situation” has little to do with intelligence, strength, or flaws. In fact, sometimes, being aware, curious, and strong may make us more vulnerable. Why? Often, “thinking people” ask a lot of questions. Strong individuals tend to take little lying down and resist “group think.” When we introduce a combination of the two, we find people who are willing to work hard at relationships, take stands, and advocate for what is right.
On one hand, these attributes are not popular with abusive individuals. On the other, they are irresistible. Psychopaths do not like to be questioned or have their power and control threatened, but most cannot resist the challenge we present either, especially if we are useful in other ways, as well. Therefore, they target us. This does not mean that strong, intelligent women who find themselves in these relationships are “flawed” in any way. Simply, we unknowingly provide a very rich “supply” for their manipulative needs. They hit the jackpot when they find those of us who are willing to engage in their madness. However, we don’t understand that it is actually madness we are engaging in. Their mixed messages keep us confused and involved.
In the case of the individual asking this question, her only real “problem” was the fact that she was a decent, warm, caring, and trusting person, who had something her psychopath wanted to exploit.
“How do these sociopaths twist our heads around? I have to keep looking internally to see what flaw it is in me that keeps letting the same behavior into my life. Any words of wisdom?”
As a matter of fact, yes. We must stop looking inward for our “flaws.” This person mentioned her “flaws” on several occasions. Naturally, we all have them. When it comes to recovery, looking inward is critical. We must examine and come to know ourselves before we can truly change and heal. We must recognize the traits we possess (even if independently they are positive) that made us susceptible to this special form of evil and then work to keep the unhealthy at a distance.
However, that is where we should stop the introspection, or at least the loathing and self blame for what happened in the past. We did not do this. We were dealing with dysfunction and disorder.
Not everyone will understand this. Not everyone will understand the addictive, unhealthy bonds they created that kept us trapped for as long as they did. We should try to surround ourselves with those who do. Going forward, we should listen to our instincts, trust that they are correct, and pay attention to the red flags we encounter.
“I just don’t understand the mentality (in reference to the psychopath’s revenge.) I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like he had a breakdown of some kind. He just snapped or something. He lost EVERYTHING…and for what? What’s he doing?”
It is a tough pill to swallow, but he did not just “snap.” Conversely, he finally allowed himself to clearly show through. The cracking mask. As masters of disguise, they become what they think we are looking for. But who they appeared to be initially is as unreal as the thirsty man’s mirage in the middle of the desert. “He” did not actually ever exist. The mean, vengeful shell of a person is the only thing that ever really was.
As far as what they are willing to lose in pursuit of revenge, it’s fairly unbelievable. This is another aspect that becomes almost impossible for those with little experience to digest. If psychopaths’ main objectives include taking and destroying what they envy in another, their success at this means more to them than how they fare in the process.
They are often willing to lose or risk losing everything in order to harm their target(s). For them, the true payoffs lie in demolition. Additionally, they don’t view their “devastation” as their fault anyway. We “did it” to them. They do not feel that their demise reflects on them in the least.
As far as “what he is doing,” whether it be in regards to the revenge she is questioning or otherwise, we must eventually come to the place where we legitimately do not care. With the exception being as it relates to our safety, how they live or what they do must not matter under any circumstances.
This all takes time to absorb and that is ok. However, grasping and then accepting the reality of the situation is the key to recovery, even if it is incredibly difficult to wrap one’s head around.
Sunflower,
I tend to pick out very handsome man. Friends used to comment on that. And one of those handsome men was the ex-spath. A part of it are my inborn estethical morals. I went to painting school since I was 5 because at 3 kindergarten teachers already predicted I was talented in arts. I have a master in industrial design, so fully trained in esthetics in our everyday environment. My grandfather on my mom’s side was an architect. My mom was an excellent drawer, but untrained. While my father was a fan of art, though he has no talent for it himself, but he spent years learning about it to appreciate it more in his free time. And when it comes to drawing, my main talent is portrayal. So, on the one hand I like to be surrounded by beauty: in objects, architecture but also in humans (and yes, some people become more beautiful the better you get to know them, though perhaps less so at first appearance, whereas some just turn bland and shallow). But like most teen girl I also felt the ugly duckling, the odd one out and being a tomboy I regularly got the message from men who weren’t attracted to me (and I wasn’t attracted to them either) why I wasn’t attractive. My late twentysomething and early thirtysomething years I spent on accepting the fact that I myself am an unattractive woman, through validation and experience with handsome men. So, a part of my journey was motivated for similar reasons as yours, but through attractive men. In any case, my first attraction picker is for many reasons a very flawed picker. I can’t rely on it. Although I have noticed that by paying attention to red flags, I can see the ugliness and slime behind the handsome face much quicker… These days I turn away in disgust.
My mother remarked two weeks ago, that to her a lot of the spaths are handsome men: the ex was, Dutroux was an objective handsome man even when older, and she mentioned several others. And I explained to her that they tend to look younger and smoother in their complexion since they are not subjected to their own stress, and don’t worry. That they age differently, if they don’t ravage their body of course with liquor and drugs over the decades. The ex looks handsome still because he’s only 30 now. But he’s a heavy coke user and crack in the past, not to mention he can drink gallons of alcohol in a night, several nights a week. In another decade, I’ll probably look younger than he does.
Now not all spaths are handsome, or picky about their appearance… some are dirty and don’t take care of themselves at all.
I know spathic/toxic people who show red flags who were always unattractive to me. But I also know spaths I was attracted to and regarded as handsome. And my friends even thought them more handsome than I even thought they were.
It’s VERY good you are learning something about yourself though! Most of all: that loving yourself is a necessity in life!
What I’m trying to explain is our own misleading, unconscious perception of ourselves.
Example: My bf cheats. He says it was because I wasn’t loving enough. I think I’m no good (inferiority complex) therefore I unconsciously believe I deserved what I got. Consciously I feel hurt, betrayed, I want to leave, but for whatever reason I don’t. Solution: I try to love him more to protect my self from being hurt. I stay in the relationships based on blame and guilt. I stay in the relationship based on fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough for anybody else or whatever reason I might find. Or as simple as excusing him for making a mistake and work on the relationship. It doesn’t mean that you want to get hurt, nobody does. I’m simply looking at a thought pattern that is destructive.
I too have been with handsome men, some everybody else thought as handsome, some found unattractive, different strokes for different folks. To me a person can have the best of looks, but if they are evil or hurtful, I find them unattractive regardles of their white collars.
Yes it can go both ways as you mention in your post darwinsmom.
“they tend to look younger and smoother in their complexion since they are not subjected to their own stress, and don’t worry. That they age differently, if they don’t ravage their body of course with liquor and drugs over the decades. The ex looks handsome still because he’s only 30 now. But he’s a heavy coke user and crack in the past, not to mention he can drink gallons of alcohol in a night, several nights a week. In another decade, I’ll probably look younger than he does.”
Yes very very true.
Sunflower… You are discovering some very important insights about yourself!
Oh, I disliked the ex before I got involved, and I had a “danger” sensation from the first moment I ever laid my eyes on him, passing me by (he didn’t even know I existed then, and I was over ‘bad boys’). But since I hardly have a panic zone, keep cool and am naturally explorative and curious I used every opportunity when we crossed paths to study him some more. And of course it didn’t take long before we ended up having some conversations, conversations in which I did not hide me studying him (am an honest person after all). He used the opportunities to charm me. So my opinion changed from dangerous to petty criminal to diamond in the rough. Then I decided to be a loyal friend, and I was hook, line sinker after that of course.
Yes I am. As I’ve said before, I’m working my *ss off 😉
For me, it was as if I saw the world with each eye and thus I ended up in a split. One eye saw one thing (spath illusion), while the other saw something else (the spath himself). For my part, this created a lot of confusion and I started asking questions while we were still together. Maybe there is someone else out there who has had it likewise and therefore I share this.
We all have different stories even if we have the spath in common.
Anybody see the New York Times article today on Lance Armstrong? Sounds spath like to me.
http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/a/lance_armstrong/index.html
Athena, yep, sounds very pathy to me.
SIX SPATH RECOVERY ITEMS TO NOTE:
Hi. Thx for the birthday wishes.
I certainly relate to the UNBRIDLED JOY comment. Yes. Resentment puts joy out like water on a flame. Something to remind myself when a moment of joy, and they do now and again, from time to time, in rare moments, pass my way and i do the if only…. and I’m angry again. i think the spath stole my joy. Maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t and I gave it up to him. Nonetheless he is certainly not going to bring it back. Im gonna have to get it back myself i believe. Present in the moment. Present in the moment. The present of joy to me from me perhaps? I want my joy back. I miss my joy.
The EMPTY BOAT analogy is priceless and oxygen providing. Meaning that if I had heard that earlier in this process it may have breathed some life into me sooner or at least for moments. We have a saying in my industry and profession that we use that’s similar, “ALL HAT AND NO CATTLE,” but its more about power than disordered personalities. The empty boat is an image I can grasp. Not allowing the image of the spath driving the boat or being in charge of anything, & ESPECIALLY NOT ME, just as empty space disempowers him. Puts them into near “figment of the imagination” category. A very bad dream that I can wake up from. Too late to run but maybe as the new day rises I can wake up. I have never liked getting up until the sun is warm so it is clear to me that I have a way to go yet. Thats okay. I picture the empty boat. Adrift on an endless sea. bumping around & into things doing damage but nobody is really there. Eventually those boats beach or capsize. A brief headline & the boat is salvaged for scrap. I like it.
That & ONE PIECE AT A TIME. I hear Kim as she said how she wants to start at a running pace. I now have those fits and starts. And welcome them. Like a very cold engine on a freezing morning trying to turn over, warming the air in the heater and ever so slowly melting the ice and snow from the windows. The car feels warm. I put it in reverse. Step on the gas. Back out of the driveway. Shift into drive and the engine stalls. I should have waited five more minutes as the heat stops and the icy cold immediately fills the air in the car again. Oh yes. Lots of that going on and I lie down and rest. But I have a pretty good idea I will get up tomorrow. And that is progress as I used think I could never get up again. And then when I did, that I wouldn’t and don’t want to do that again. I will instead lie here until i die from old age. Still waiting btw. I have tried so many times to start over on all the pieces all at once & collapse every time under the strain. One piece at a time is my latest strategy.
BABY STEPS. Shit I wasn’t designed for baby steps. Yes I know what to do. But I want to get it over with and for some reason this part of the journey does not allow that. My brain is asking to be rewired a bit and it just can’t be done on autopilot. Maybe because autopilot had something to do with where i landed. No, this cant be done by will power alone. The process just won’t allow that part of plain and sheer determination alone to make it happen.
The need for INTROSPECTION, being present in the moment, dealing with what is instead of what or how I just want it to be is demanded of me from the universe somehow. In hind site it was almost as if I used to have the “will it and make it so” power and that power is on vacation or retired permanently. Only time will tell. But yes, I have to say vacuum, clearly say it a couple times and it can take three days for me to go to the closet and extract the vacuum cleaner, at which point i let it sit outside the closet, the next few days I will tidy up here and there AND clear the floor. Sometime in the next week I may actually plug it in and turn it on.
It’s rudimentary behaviors that need to be prodded and cajoled. Open the mail, brush, floss, shower, answer the phone (I ESPECIALLY HATE ANSWERING THE PHONE), write it down, make a list, return that call, pay the phone bill, see my lawyer, pay my lawyer, fix something to eat, one step at a time, oh get out of bed, get cleaned up, leave the house, it goes on & on & on. Each one of those things can take days or even weeks to accomplish. i at least open the mail now. There were months and months when I didn’t even do that. But I have to appreciate that the thought vacuum even occurs at all. I didn’t used to care if the floor was clean & I do now. Progress. Not leaps & bounds. I am probably the only one who sees it at all since my friends still compare old Lil & this Lil we don’t recognize Lil. They’re all pulling for the old Lil, but we should just as well have a funeral for her. I am forever changed. There is no doubt about that. How I change, what I change to is what’s important & the jury is still out.
I’m working seriously on “PLACE OXYGEN MASK ON SELF BEFORE HELPING OTHERS” right now. I never needed help before. I was the helper. So this is a 180 DEGREE perspective of the world for me. OLD HABITS EMERGE EVEN THROUGH EXCRUCIATING PAIN, BLINDING RAGE, DEBILITATING DEPRESSION AND NEOPOVERTY, AND THEY DIE HARD. In fact we resort to old habits almost always in times of stress. But part of that old me also wonders if after being so helpless that helping someone else even if briefly can’t be rehabilitating as well….. Or is that my core survival instinct kicking in again saying lets do this. We know how to do that and life could be normal again if we just starting acting like we used to? We being not all of us or the royal we but the old and new Lil trying to unsplit perhaps.
I do reach out now from time to time & say I’m having a truly bad day. There isn’t always a reason. The bad day rolls on for a variety of reasons or no reason at all. It runs over me like a freight train at full speed between stations. I am dragged for miles until I pull the cord & say help me somebody. yes again. I need to get away, out, a drink, a walk, a drive, a movie, a ballgame, anything just help get me out of my head. The few friends I have now know what I’m saying & they do all they can to help. If they are tired of it they don’t say. I try & spread it around so I don’t abuse anyone person. They also know I have a dislike for myself when I do it but they know & I know I have to ask in order to survive.
WISDOM. There’s a lot of that on this site from the various souls who have traveled this journey before me, along side me, the relapses we all incur, the anger, fear, self loathing, hatred we experience, the people who will come after us. I read recently that we should all “USE THE EXPERIENCE OF OTHERS MISTAKES. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO MAKE THEM ALL YOURSELF.” All building on the knowledge base realtime as we build it. Build it and they will come. And as Donna and Diane and Steve and all of us have done & are doing, we’ve MADE IT SO.
Much love from Lillian on her 51st birthday….. xoxoxo
Lillian:
Happy Birthday! Mine is tomorrow…wow, lots of Libra babies on this site.
Happy Birthday Louise! I hope you give yourself a fantastic day. Eat the icing on the cake. Light candles. Indulge yourself. You’ve earned it & I know it because you are in this club. You are smart, beautiful & strong. The Dahli Lama was quoted recently saying that ”..”THE WORLD WILL BE SAVED BY THE WESTER WOMAN.” If that isn’t a birthday present what is. Of course people like us probably knew it all along— but this is a respected man, a worldwide figure of righteousness, peace & love, a religious figure, a religious man! It had to be said by the right person. He couldn’t be a better fit if Mahatmas Ghandhi had stated it from the grave. Happy Birthday Louse. Have as great a year as possible this coming year too! Lil