This past year, I began speaking publicly on domestic violence and psychopathy. As many of you know, I feel that I have a bit of a responsibility to educate others on the matter. As a result, from time to time, people contact me or put their friends in touch with me if they suspect I can somehow help them make sense of their experiences. Some are in the beginning phases of understanding abusive personalities and/or psychopathy, while others have no idea what has rocked their worlds.
Last week, someone who was struggling to find answers asked me a series of questions. Not only were they excellent, but they were ones that we have all probably asked.
“How did such an intelligent, strong woman get into this situation? Am I flawed?”
I know. This is the million dollar question. “Getting into this situation” has little to do with intelligence, strength, or flaws. In fact, sometimes, being aware, curious, and strong may make us more vulnerable. Why? Often, “thinking people” ask a lot of questions. Strong individuals tend to take little lying down and resist “group think.” When we introduce a combination of the two, we find people who are willing to work hard at relationships, take stands, and advocate for what is right.
On one hand, these attributes are not popular with abusive individuals. On the other, they are irresistible. Psychopaths do not like to be questioned or have their power and control threatened, but most cannot resist the challenge we present either, especially if we are useful in other ways, as well. Therefore, they target us. This does not mean that strong, intelligent women who find themselves in these relationships are “flawed” in any way. Simply, we unknowingly provide a very rich “supply” for their manipulative needs. They hit the jackpot when they find those of us who are willing to engage in their madness. However, we don’t understand that it is actually madness we are engaging in. Their mixed messages keep us confused and involved.
In the case of the individual asking this question, her only real “problem” was the fact that she was a decent, warm, caring, and trusting person, who had something her psychopath wanted to exploit.
“How do these sociopaths twist our heads around? I have to keep looking internally to see what flaw it is in me that keeps letting the same behavior into my life. Any words of wisdom?”
As a matter of fact, yes. We must stop looking inward for our “flaws.” This person mentioned her “flaws” on several occasions. Naturally, we all have them. When it comes to recovery, looking inward is critical. We must examine and come to know ourselves before we can truly change and heal. We must recognize the traits we possess (even if independently they are positive) that made us susceptible to this special form of evil and then work to keep the unhealthy at a distance.
However, that is where we should stop the introspection, or at least the loathing and self blame for what happened in the past. We did not do this. We were dealing with dysfunction and disorder.
Not everyone will understand this. Not everyone will understand the addictive, unhealthy bonds they created that kept us trapped for as long as they did. We should try to surround ourselves with those who do. Going forward, we should listen to our instincts, trust that they are correct, and pay attention to the red flags we encounter.
“I just don’t understand the mentality (in reference to the psychopath’s revenge.) I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like he had a breakdown of some kind. He just snapped or something. He lost EVERYTHING…and for what? What’s he doing?”
It is a tough pill to swallow, but he did not just “snap.” Conversely, he finally allowed himself to clearly show through. The cracking mask. As masters of disguise, they become what they think we are looking for. But who they appeared to be initially is as unreal as the thirsty man’s mirage in the middle of the desert. “He” did not actually ever exist. The mean, vengeful shell of a person is the only thing that ever really was.
As far as what they are willing to lose in pursuit of revenge, it’s fairly unbelievable. This is another aspect that becomes almost impossible for those with little experience to digest. If psychopaths’ main objectives include taking and destroying what they envy in another, their success at this means more to them than how they fare in the process.
They are often willing to lose or risk losing everything in order to harm their target(s). For them, the true payoffs lie in demolition. Additionally, they don’t view their “devastation” as their fault anyway. We “did it” to them. They do not feel that their demise reflects on them in the least.
As far as “what he is doing,” whether it be in regards to the revenge she is questioning or otherwise, we must eventually come to the place where we legitimately do not care. With the exception being as it relates to our safety, how they live or what they do must not matter under any circumstances.
This all takes time to absorb and that is ok. However, grasping and then accepting the reality of the situation is the key to recovery, even if it is incredibly difficult to wrap one’s head around.
Happy Birthday to all you Libran ladies.
Star, I’m glad you danced your behind off and felt like a princess. Louise, Have a wonderful steak and ice-cream for desert, dinner. Lillian, I hope your day was very special.
Wish there was an emoticon with a smiley face blowing one of those roll-out party favors, wearing one of those cone shaped paper hats! 🙂 Remember them?
Happy, happy Birthday to each of you.
Lillian, I wish you piles and piles of frosting flowers. 🙂
Sunflower, what you’re experiencing has a clinical defintion – I just don’t know what it is. But, I experienced the same series of “feelings,” particularly the triggered anxiety. Prior to the end of the marriage, I had been stalked, harassed, and experienced vehicular tampering when I was living, alone, and in a very isolated and harsh environment. That was the first time in my life when I experienced ongoing triggering.
The anger issue. This is, for all intents and purposes, “normal” and it is imperative that you recognize it as “normal” and disallow any feelings of “guilt” that you (personally) might associate with FEELING that emotion. Don’t you believe that you have a RIGHT to be angry? Doesn’t the spath DESERVE your anger? Yes….right! But, expressing that anger is a whole other matter, and it’s very, very important to attend to it in a healthy, productive manner. Donna suggests punching a pillow. Other’s will scream, aloud, and others break eggs against a tree. Still others will write out their anger and venom in a personal journal – using a PEN and PAPER, not a technological device so as to physically connect with the words and feelings.
I asked about this a long while back because I found myself driving along or alone and actually talking out loud to the exspath or a judge or SOMEONE that would be forced to hear my words. I was assured that this was completely “normal,” and it IS!
The one thing that helped me to contain the anger and put it where it belongs was the mantra that my counseling therapist gave me: “Feelings are NOT facts.” My “feelings” have always been fear-based or based on predicted outcomes, but rarely based upon facts. I may “feel” like the world is going to end or that I’m going to stop breathing, but that’s not necessarily a fact. The world will continue spinning on her axis, and I’m going to continue breathing even if I pass out from anxiety – it’s a physiological fact.
Triggering – a tough one for me. I have actually made it a practice to focus on the “now” instead of my typical approach to feed the beast by predicting and imagining. Facts are what the “now” is about. So, I have to focus – really, focus – on where my hands are and what they are touching. I have to focus on whether what they’re touching is smooth, cool, coarse, warm, or whatever. Then I focus on everything that is immediately sensed: quality of light, air temperature, wind direction and speed, what my feet are standing upon and how it feels beneath my soles, etc.
When my counselor first explained this technique of staying in the “now,” I honestly and truly thought that she was feeding me a line of bullshit and simply wanted me to shut up and get the hell out of her office. But, I tried it, anyway. It didn’t work. But, she had told me to continue doing this and speaking out loud to myself, if necessary. “Truthspeak, you are riding on this highway and your hands are touching a smooth steering wheel. The steering wheel feels smooth but there’s a texture on the surface that I can feel. The window is cracked and I can hear the roar of the wind and the air is very cold on the left side of my cheek…” etc. This technique took some time to understand, but it really and seriously works if it’s practiced enough. I STILL use this technique when I’m triggered and begin feeling that loss of control and getting sucked into the anxiety vortex.
Sunflower – you’ll soon begin to feel empowered because you are taking those painful steps on your Healing Path. Yeah, it’s kind of scary and it isn’t easy, but holy COW!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!
Brightest blessings
kim:
Thank you so much! I plan on having the ice cream for lunch…yay for me!
I do remember that icon with the party hat and was also wishing just the other day that we had that…how weird is that?
Louise & Lillian, I love birthday cake, myself. I mean that I could eat birthday cake, daily, if it didn’t make me so stinking sick! And, I have always wanted a cake covered with flowers, too! Enough sugar to drop a rhinoceros, absolutely.
An interesting thing about both exspaths: holidays, milestones, and birthdays were ALWAYS non-events. In fact, both exspaths went to great lengths to minimize important events. The second exspath went through motions do arrange “special” occasions, but he never thought things through with regard to how I might feel or what I might have wanted to do. It was only about how he would appear.
Anyone else experience this?
Hello. Thx everyone. So many things I want to comment on. First anger . Sunflowers post got mixed in among all the birthday extravaganza talk. And that’s ok. We all need something to be happy about. Andy Warhol once sai that “one needs to be prepared in life to sometimes be happy about nothing.” Thought provoking for us who are spath damaged I think. Nothing is all some of us have left. Roll it around in your head for a while see what you can make of it.
But to Sunflowers point anger is huge. Anger is gigantic and all consuming. Here are some things that are beginning to help me as the free floating anger I have is shocking!
PERMISSION. Some one gave me permission 4 years later btw to be angry. We have every right to be angry, emote, lash out at our spaths. Our society has this perhaps once useful belief that it is not good karma or healthy to be angry at or want ill for someone. Apparently it was thought that we should be ashamed of our wrath. Really?! Like we should be ashamed when we are raped?! Truly? Well Sunflower you hereby have my permission to be angry at the spath. Wish him harm and ill fate. Picture him tarred and feathered begging for mercy. Use a string of explicatatives every time his name comes up. Whatever gets it out that doesn’t harm yourself or those who deserve your love.
You have every right and he deserves every bit of your anger and more. Okay? Got that? Somehow when my very very loving, spiritual, peaceful, good cause fanatic friend of all people told me that I was speechless. Why does this 50 year old women need anybodys permission? because i was raised that way. an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind. oh well. i am angry and anyone else would be too. the people saying dont be angry now have not walked in your shoes. Loan them a pair. Whatever. they have no idea and most of them dont want to see, hear or believe what emotional, financial, physical, reputation, and career harm that was perpetuated upon us.
The same week my favorite dude said something similar. He said ok. Just so we can get that anger out when u use the name just swear a blue streak after then kept going with what you were saying. It was magical. The universe was speaking thru these people to me. It was up to me to hear them. they were right. its not my fault i am angry. Anyone would we be.
Nowhere is it a law that we don’t have the right to express anger at our wrongs. No where is it expressly written that the best thing to do is bottle it up until we look like the insane person in the situation or take it out inappropriately on others at the wrong time. Anger is a survival mechinism but modern day has morphed it into a shameful thing. well not for me anymore.
Sunflower you hereby have my permission to be angry as hell at the spath. He deserves not only your anger but all of our anger and society’s in general anger. Okay. Crystal clear? I had been going around for years being down on myself and thinking I was a bad person because I was so angry at him. Holding it in. I had shingles for six months. That is what holding appropriate and deserved anger can do for you. And lady, shingles is more painful than child birth. Don’t do it. Take a boxing lesson and pretend that bag is his head. Pile up some pillows and punch them out and scream and cry until your exhausted. You have every right to express it appropriately! And all I mean by that is don’t harm yourself or others. I personally keep in mind how terrified I am of prison to make sure I don’t act it out in any way that will compromise my freedom. Don’t do anything that will hurt yourself further. Deal? Everyone on this site I’d bet has felt or is feeling or will feel what you are feeling. We are pulling for you. And I’d go so far to speak on others behalf that we stand behind your right to be angry in the most appropriate way possible for you to get it out.
At this point I am wondering how I can make anger my friend. I have the feeling it will be with me on this topic for a very long time if not forever. And I have that right. I give myself permission. It helps. It doesn’t make it like it never happened because it did happen. But it is not my fault. And I am not a bad person for hating every little thing involved with how it happened as long as hating myself is not part of it!
You are loved, supported, and believed on this site. We no your pain, anger and even some of your dreams. We relate. We are all members of the same club. None of us signed on knowingly or willingly. It is together that we draw our strength. I read this site for years before I was strong enough to think I had anything worthwhile to post. I feel worthy because I came to believe through the strength from this site, from a few friends and time bringing distance and love bringing some comfort.
You are powerful. You do not deserve your own anger. Place it appropriately where it is due. Express it safely. But get it out. You are understood and supported. Love Lillian. xoxo
To clarify the above reference to special occasions, I had lost my mother and, as per her desires, she was laid to rest, at sea. Two weeks later, the exspath made arrangements to spend our anniversary for the weekend just down the road from where my mother’s ashes were spread. I spent the entire weekend weeping, and he just did not GET it. There was nothing about this that was romantic or “special.” It was thoroughly painful, and he simply could not connect the proverbial dots. Sheeeeesh, what a dope!
Lillian…..absolutely incredible response to the anger issue.
TOWANDA
Truthspeak:
Oh, yes. My spath was the exact same way. Doesn’t acknowledge his own birthday probably let alone anyone elses. I think he hates birthdays as it brings him one year closer to death. I can guess that they are probably all like this? So sorry yours was so insensitive during such a horrible time for you 🙁
Lillian:
So sorry things got lost because we were trying to celebrate our birthdays.
Hmmmm, well, I totally get your post about the anger. I have it horribly. It won’t go away and I do express it. But the problem then becomes that I am just MAD all the time! Who wants to be around someone who is so crappy all the time??? That’s why I think we also suppress it. I guess the premise though is that if we get it out, it will eventually be gone, but in the mean time we are just raving maniacs (at least I am!).
I LOVE what you said about the spath deserving us being mad at them! Absolutely!! And thank you for that because I have struggled in my mind with this: I would think to myself and question myself this: Really? All this guy wanted to do was sleep with you and you are going to subject him to your wrath just because he doesn’t want you??? Those are the kind of things I have said to myself to try to talk myself out of my anger; to make myself believe it wasn’t justified! Then I would turn around and think, of course he deserves it and he knows it! He KNOWS what he did and I’m not just talking about sleeping with me and disappearing. There are other very bad things he did and he knows what he did. Then I think I should make him pay!
I also love what you said about making sure to not do anything that would get us in trouble or cost us our freedom…Hallelujah!!! Do you know how many times I have had to tell myself that?? Even just the other day I thought about how if I did something really bad how I would be the only one to suffer to be in prison the rest of my life. Uh, NO!!!! I am NOT going to sacrifice my life because of some ass. But I do have to admit and this is horrible that I have thought about doing some really horrible things to him or to his home! That just makes me feel so bad and makes me feel like a terrible person, but I can’t help it. Of course I will never act on these things for many reasons and my potential loss of freedom being one of them. You would be surprised how easy it would be to actually commit one of these crimes…just some things I observed that people do that opens them up to being victims of crime…people need to be smarter.
Anyway, I got off on a tangent, but the bottom line for me is, yes, I have a ton of anger and yes, I want to act on it, but I am not going to be stupid about it. But the question is, how do I get it all out?? I know you had some suggestions above, but you know what I am finding? I am finding that if I can’t express it face to face with the spath, I am not sure it will ever go away. I feel like I NEED to face him and yell at HIM. I feel like THAT is the only thing that will help, but I can’t do that because I can’t see him and don’t want to see him. It’s funny because just six months ago I still desperately wanted to see him and now I feel like I don’t even want to go there. But on the other hand, I would LOVE to see him to go off on him and tell him exactly what I feel about what he did to me, but then, I would look like the pure crazy woman!!! Whew!!!