Her father felt sorry for her sociopathic ex

By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS

In my last two articles, I described how I’m using the “empty chair technique” to help a client, Mary, get closure about her disordered, but deceased, father. She wanted to know why her father felt sorry for her sociopathic ex. Read the previous articles:

Empty chair technique to resolve issues with deceased father

Coming to terms with an abusive mother and an indifferent father

Here we have a continuation of the empty chair technique with Mary and her father. Mary finished the last session discussing how she was infantilized and abused by her mother. In this third session, Mary confronts her father about his relationship with her ex-husband.

Mary’s ex-husband

Mary’s marriage to her husband lasted quite a while and they had several children together. Due to the normalization of mistreatment throughout her childhood, she chose a spouse who treated her the way her mother treated her.

Mary felt obligated to seek mental and spiritual help for him over the years, and felt it was the right thing to do. Her life with him was focused mostly on his disorder and how to get around it safely. Only once did he comply — when she gave him an ultimatum of divorcing him. His compliance did not last. He refused to continue therapy and sunk deeper and deeper into abusive behavior toward Mary and the children.

Mary always put his emotional needs first and tried to please him because he was never happy. Mary became so concerned that she was consumed with keeping him regulated — neglecting her own emotional health.

To make matters worse, he was not a present father. Mary told me he never initiated a personal relationship with their children. She could count on her hands how many times he attended any of the kids’ school activities throughout the years.

As an adult, Mary had trouble distinguishing her feelings — she thought living in fear was a lot like feeling love.

Third Empty Chair session

Joanie: Mary, would you like to begin discussing your ex-husband with your father?

Mary: Yes. Dad, my ex-husband never really had a good day — ever. He was a screaming, manic monster that would lose control over the smallest things. We walked on eggshells every day. I was so happy when he drank, because I knew he would fall asleep early and we would have respite from rage episodes.

I knew if I tried to divorce him, I would pay dearly. It would not be an amicable, clean break. When he would mistreat us, he would weaponize our reaction to the mistreatment and accuse us of disrespect and hate and then make idle threats that he would not bring home his paycheck.

Dad: Your ex-husband had provided you with a roof over your heads. You and your children should be grateful.

Mary’s dad and ex-husband’s common denominator

Joanie: How about your dad’s relationship with him after the divorce?

Mary: Yes. Dad, your behavior confused me. You and my ex-husband were “friends” when I was not in contact with you. I discovered this information accidentally, when he was acknowledged at your funeral. Why? You never had any kind of meaningful relationship with him previously.

You told me that I should speak to him like it’s a business relationship and you hoped that I would pursue more money at my divorce settlement. I was not interested in that; I was interested in getting away from him.

Dad: I felt sorry for him. He was alone and had various problems. Plus, your children would not speak to him. He needed someone. He is their father. He is their only father. You walked away from him, and then from me. We shared the same kind of anger.

Mary: So, your anger toward me was the uniting factor? Do you think that is a sound foundation for a friendship? Fathers have a responsibility to communicate with their children honestly. My children were afraid of him. How can you know anything he was telling you was the truth? If only you knew the terrible things he said about our whole family!

Dad: He did a lot of complaining about how no one calls or speaks with him.

Mary: Don’t you think that if children do not want to speak to their father, that there must be an overwhelmingly important reason? Did you even bother to ask me? No — you yelled at me and told me I should be inviting him to events that involved my children — disregarding the fact that they could be re-traumatized — which they were! I heeded your advice out of respect for you, not taking into consideration how my children would respond.

Dad: He will always be their father. He deserves contact. You should have called him to inform him about your children’s activities. I don’t have knowledge of your children’s memories. How do I know you are not exaggerating to cover up your own issues? Divorce is common. Many of your siblings chose the wrong spouse.

Mary: I am certain that you did not micromanage my other siblings and how they proceeded to move on from their divorces. It seems strange to me that you could not have noticed the destructive relationship patterns in our family.

Mary and her dad’s unwillingness to say NO

Mary: It was not okay for you have any connection with him. You wanted my family loyalty, but this loyalty did not have apply to you? That man said unkind things about you when we were married. I thought — how can he do this — because I, like many others, idolized you! Plus, you helped him financially!

Here I was trying to explain to you that we were ALL abused and emotionally neglected, with gaslighting, aggression and intimidation on a daily basis — and this means nothing to you?

Dad: You told me he had a “serious psychiatric disorder that involves possible violent tendencies.” I guess you could say he had problems. Only you knew how severe they were. Yes, you told me about it, and it was late, after your divorce. We all have issues. But you seemed okay. You were always smiling and showing up for family events.

Mary: I told you about it, and you did not even bat an eye! The whole time we lived with someone who had the potential to do more harm — more than was already done! Where did you ever draw the line?  When did you ever say NO — NOT my daughter, not my grandkids? I had to fight on my own! And I did it! The only thing I did not have to fight for was financial help. As I said before, you freely gave that– and I feel that was your way of comforting me.

Dad: I was only doing what I thought was right.

Mary: Did you ever consider what was right for my children and me?  Why has it been since I can remember– that this family always had a unilateral definition of respect?

Dad: Actually, I was considering what was right for our whole family.

Dictating the emotional environment

Joanie: Mary, it seems that your dad had a problem with each member of the family being a separate entity. After your mother was gone; your father was dictating the emotional climate of the family. “If I suffer, we all suffer.”

Mary: Yes, Joanie. Dad, that’s not how it goes. My children and I had the right to make the decision to severe ties with him to preserve our health without consulting anyone else. And you should respect that decision. We did not have to spend time with anyone who is sabotaging our happiness, health and emotional well-being, regardless of blood ties.

Joanie: Yes, Mary, you have the right to refuse anyone’s mistreatment, no matter who it is. It’s not the “silent treatment,” as many disordered individuals would like to name it to falsely accuse you as being petty and childish. It’s called “no contact.” And you did it for self-preservation. And to protect your children.

Mary: Joanie, I finally had to accept that the emptiness and dysfunction of my family required more than I could ever give. I was not responsible for my father’s emotional well-being, nor any siblings’.

Mary’s Dad uses work as an escape

Mary: Dad, I realized that you did your best with many things in our life as a family. You worked very hard, and were very talented with your hands. I appreciate that. But you worked so hard sometimes I feel like it was an escape — that there was something you would not face. I remember you not being home often.

Dad: I had to make as much money as possible. It was important for our family. Plus, your mother and I had issues and I was having difficulty with that. There were days and nights it would be easier to be out of the house working.

Learn more: Empowering the child who must spend time alone with a disordered parent

Mary: Mom had many family members that she was not talking to for years. Do you know the reason?

Dad: No, all I know is that the other families were doing it as well. You were too young to understand.

Mary: Dad, this affected me. I thought that ongoing conflict was a natural family dynamic because I witnessed grown adults not speaking to one another. But over the years I realized it that passive- aggressive behavior, stonewalling and ignoring are not normal, but are actually abusive tactics to manipulate and gain control over others. It’s toxic.

Dad: Well, I just ignored it. I continued to work a lot. I did not get involved in your mother’s conflicts with her own family. I just did what your mom wanted, so in support of her decision– I did not keep in contact with her family either.