“The motivation (for lying) is particularly baffling in endogenous deceit when the psychopath may appear to have everything he wants yet continues quite predictably to commence the manipulative cycle.” So says Dr. Reid Meloy in The Psychopathic Mind, p121.
“I don’t think they even eat an ice cream cone just for pleasure, I think they do everything for the effect it has, or the image it presents. It isn’t about what is REAL it is about what they can appear to be. To them, I think, if they can get others to believe it, then it becomes “reality” as far as they are concerned.” So says Ox Drover in a comment on this blog.
There is complete agreement about one thing regarding sociopaths, that is lying defines them. While studies show that many people lie daily, the lying behavior of sociopaths differs in both degree and kind from “normal” lying. Sociopaths do not just misrepresent the truth in small ways to spare someone’s feelings, avoid an argument or avoid trouble. Sociopaths misrepresent themselves and this misrepresentation extends to everyone they know. (For more advanced readers, there may not be much of a self there to misrepresent.)
You don’t need a checklist
So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
I said a few weeks ago that I think Meloy’s book The psychopathic Mind is a great contribution to humanity. In this book, Meloy puts forth the idea that we can identify “psychopaths” by observing what he calls “the psychopathic process.” I searched the book for a precise definition of “the psychopathic process” and couldn’t find one but he implies that psychopathy is defined by the way a person interacts with others and with him/herself. He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
It doesn’t “work” on me anymore!
I have learned what it feels like to be “worked” and because I know what that feels like, “it” doesn’t work on me anymore. Sociopaths do not just lie, they work people. Their relationships are an occupation for them and it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. They will even work when there is no apparent reason to. Why do they do this? They do this because there is nothing else they can do. They have little or no capacity to look within and find an inner compass of values and pleasures. As Ox Drover points out, the only real pleasure they have is their “work.”
Dr. Meloy gives a great example of a psychopath “at work” on page 138 when he discusses a professional who was “worked” by a psychopath. Knowing that he was going to be assigned a certain probation officer, the psychopath asked others who knew her about her interests. On discovering that the woman was interested in metaphysics and the writings of Alfred North Whitehead, the psychopath went and read the writings. He then gained the respect and admiration of the P.O. because he discussed these writings as if he too had a genuine interest in them that predated his knowledge of her.
Meloy says, “He does not just play the role, observing the limits of his character, but lives the part.” People are taken in by the psychopath’s work because in the moment the psychopath really thinks and feels the part. His part is real and yet also a deception.
You know you are being worked when the things you love/enjoy are mirrored in this way. You can tell the difference between this mirroring and real sharing by the extent to which the other person tries to build your enthusiasm and point to the apparent “twin-ship” you share. This mirroring and twin-ship can occur with big things as in the metaphysics example and it can occur with little things as in the ice cream example.
Now if you know what I am talking about, you have been worked; you are likely far along in the recovery process because you know what this feels like. If you have only a vague notion of what I am saying, Dr. Meloy has other words of wisdom for you.
In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement (especially if the person has the disorder in a lesser form, see last week). To see the psychopathic process, you have to train yourself to pay attention to both a person’s words and to remember that person’s deeds at the same time.
If you do this you will be able to see the disconnect between words and deeds and the psychopathic process. If you begin to see the psychopathic process, it is very important that you not share this observation with the psychopath. He or she will not benefit from your feedback and may even become violent. At the moment you see the process, you must discipline yourself and disconnect. If you have problems with self-discipline you likely need a therapist to help you disentangle from the psychopathic process.
Recovery and discovery are about learning to pay attention. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what other people say and do. Most people need help in order to learn the skill of paying attention. That is the kind of help a good therapist can give you.
In the next few weeks we’ll talk more about the psychopathic process. Please feel free to share your experience of being worked or the disconnect between words and deeds.
Really great post Lianne, thanks for the reminder. It’s hard to keep it in the forefront of your mind AT ALL TIMES that the actions speak louder than words – no matter how loud the words. But they also use actions to lie. So when actions contradict each other, you know one of them is a lie. What are the chances that a good person will pretend to be evil? not likely. But an evil person ALWAYS pretends to be good, in order to con their audience. So when you feel confused about contradictions – just realize YOU ARE WITNESSING A REALLY GOOD LIAR.
Another really good way to tell a spath is that they refuse to have gratitude. They simply don’t want to be grateful because their understanding of that word is that they “owe” something. AND YOU KNOW THE SOCIOPATH NEVER LIKES TO PAY WHAT THEY OWE. Credit scores are a good indicator of sociopathy. Gratitude is just the opposite really, it’s a feeling of knowing you received something you didn’t earn and that benevolence exists. In turn, you can feel benevolent yourself and want to give to others. But is has nothing to do with what you owe.
China Woman,
I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced with your relatives. Welcome. One thing I’ve learned about dealing with the spaths is NOT TO SHOW ANY EMOTION. THEY FEED ON IT.
Its really that simple to win with them. NO EMOTION. Walk away when you can, but until then, NO DRAMA.
Jesus said, “if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. If your arm causes you to sin, cut it off.” I don’t think he was literally talking about our limbs, I think he was referring to all the THINGS AND PEOPLE that we feel very attached to but are causing us harm, especially family members. No matter how hard it may feel to cut off those “members”, it is better for us to cut them off, than to stay with members who will lead us down a road to hell (on earth).
Donna, this blog is a lifesaver, as you know. The blogs, conversations and comments keep the reminders fresh so that each day, we can put on the armor and move through life protected. THANKS SOOOOO MUCH.
Oxy,
I’m with you on the whole animal abuse thing, so kudos to you for sticking up for animal who was unable to. I utterly loathe people who would hurt an animal deliberately for no reason. No tolerance for it whatsoever. I would havedone similar to what you did–in any case making that guy sorry for beating that horse. Some have good-naturedly called me extreme for my views on animal rights, but I do believe we are connected to every living thing. Oh, and unfortunately, with the story about a woman saving those puppies that the girl threw into the river, it was a complete falsehood. The woman is actually the grandmother of the girl who lied to protect her. Scumbags.
Hopeful6596~
yes hopeful, I agree so much- was just reading an article by Sharon Callahan about the Bhuddist views on animal life she says:
“In the West, the belief that animals are evolving towards enlightenment and seek the comforts of spirituality and union with God would be considered an extreme perspective at best. It is interesting to note, however, that the birds and little creatures of the forest gathered at the feet of St. Francis of Assisi as he spoke to them of their Creator. His great mystic heart reached out to his “little brothers and sisters” as he called them, while on the other side of the world Buddhists selected the same terms to describe animals”
she describes how animals really want to have faith in us humans to treat them right, they can be so loyal and loving beyond what most human beings are…yet we kill them for their meat and subject them to treatment that is cruel and heartless….anyway, I think all will become clear and we will have to face it some day…I long for the day when animals are protected and respected along with every other human being.
Bullet,
Thanks for relaying part of that article! And thanks for your feedback. I totally agree when you say you can’t wait for the day until animals are respected and protected equally. Along with the new frontiers that have arrive with the advent of brain imaging, they’ve also begun to do the same with animals and have found that they are much more “emotional” than anyone has suspected.
When I was married I had a stepson. When he was about 12 or so he was drowning ants in a cup of water. I made him stop and dump out the water and absolutely told him he would not be doing that again–not on my watch. His father thought I was screwy, but I asked them how they’d like it if someone much bigger and stronger than them did the same to them and they had no power to stop it? As it turns out, my friend told me that ants can live underwater for a short time, but still. That wasn’t the point, and my stepson certainly didn’t know this.
If I can find some info about brain imaging for animals, I’ll post it to you. I think it may have been on the science channel. Have a great day, Bullet.
Hopeful6596~
Dr. Leedom,
Thanks so much for the above post. For all the doubting I’ve done pertaining to my own intuition, your assertion, posted below, gave me all the resolution I need:
“So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.”
My X would say absolutely ANYTHING to anyone to get you to believe whatever he wanted, and I truly was astonished that he could lie so often and to such an extent. Martha Stout says the “linchpin” of the conscienceless is the pathological lying. Our doubting comes from believing the “part” they play with such masterful ability, and to realize that you’ve been SO wrong about someone and were fooled so thoroughly, is tremendously difficult to accept. So, thanks for the above post. My X was also great at making you think he REALLY “gets it” now, so whenever I doubt, I just read that one line and I’m fine.
Hopeful6596~
I continue to read all of the posts and oh how it helps to know that there is always, regardless of the details of the experience, someone who understands.
I do wish there were more stories out there other than those involving a Sociopathic husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. And, more stories of ‘everyday’ experiences with Sociopaths.
Something important for all of us to remember. Sociopaths do not only come in the form of a ‘significant other.’ A Sociopath, who can wreck havoc on your life can also be a neighbor, friend, teacher, relative… man or woman, girl or boy.
It is so sad that each one of us here on LF have been so horrifically touched by such evil forces.
Why weren’t we taught?
The best thing we can do, especially as parents, is to talk to our children about the warning signs. Teach them about gut instinct. Instill in them as much self-esteem as we can so that when someone makes them say hmm or they walk away from a situation wondering why or making excuses for someone’s behavior…they will be able to recognize what they are faced with.
“He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
This is so true: I can consider myself an intelligent and confident person. I also had other relationships before the one with the sociopath but I can assure you that the way I felt during my relationship with the”S” it was very weird. I started questioning my intelligence and at a certain point actually believing that I was instead a bit stupid, confused, very insecure and immature. I started devaluating my own moral values and standards and putting his values as my reference. I started questioning my personality. I remember finding myself sometimes thinking that he was right on his statements and assumptions about me because I was wrong and he was right. I was calling myself brainless. I stopped confronting him when there was a problem to avoid starting a fight and when I did and caused a fight I used to blame myself for it. I started living my life to please him in all aspects. The aftermath of the relationship also is so different from the other relationships that I had before. I never felt this anger and humiliation and resentment for none of the others guys I was involved. It is so hard for me to let it go. The way I feel after this relationship really tells me that I was not involved with a normal human being.
Changedforever….wonderful summary, and right on for me as well. Very validating to read your words. Thank you!
To someone who has had this experience before:
Have been n/c for some time now, doing very well except for nightmares-had another one last night. I’ve had quite a few lately, and they are very upsetting and scary.
Is this common?
ifinallygotthelesson,
I have been no contact for about five years now and still experience nightmares. It’s part of what I refer to as my hauntings. I would imagine it’s different for everyone, just like with any healing process. Ususally, mine occur when my stress levels are up.
The advice my therapist has given me is this (and I did find it a bit of psycho babble but it does work). We truly do control our thoughts so, before you go to bed at night, tell yourself that you WILL NOT dream about him/her. Believe what you are telling yourself. Put your mind in a different place. Also, make sure that you are exercising, it’s a great stress reducer.
I’m so sorry that you are experiencing nightmares!