“The motivation (for lying) is particularly baffling in endogenous deceit when the psychopath may appear to have everything he wants yet continues quite predictably to commence the manipulative cycle.” So says Dr. Reid Meloy in The Psychopathic Mind, p121.
“I don’t think they even eat an ice cream cone just for pleasure, I think they do everything for the effect it has, or the image it presents. It isn’t about what is REAL it is about what they can appear to be. To them, I think, if they can get others to believe it, then it becomes “reality” as far as they are concerned.” So says Ox Drover in a comment on this blog.
There is complete agreement about one thing regarding sociopaths, that is lying defines them. While studies show that many people lie daily, the lying behavior of sociopaths differs in both degree and kind from “normal” lying. Sociopaths do not just misrepresent the truth in small ways to spare someone’s feelings, avoid an argument or avoid trouble. Sociopaths misrepresent themselves and this misrepresentation extends to everyone they know. (For more advanced readers, there may not be much of a self there to misrepresent.)
You don’t need a checklist
So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
I said a few weeks ago that I think Meloy’s book The psychopathic Mind is a great contribution to humanity. In this book, Meloy puts forth the idea that we can identify “psychopaths” by observing what he calls “the psychopathic process.” I searched the book for a precise definition of “the psychopathic process” and couldn’t find one but he implies that psychopathy is defined by the way a person interacts with others and with him/herself. He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
It doesn’t “work” on me anymore!
I have learned what it feels like to be “worked” and because I know what that feels like, “it” doesn’t work on me anymore. Sociopaths do not just lie, they work people. Their relationships are an occupation for them and it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. They will even work when there is no apparent reason to. Why do they do this? They do this because there is nothing else they can do. They have little or no capacity to look within and find an inner compass of values and pleasures. As Ox Drover points out, the only real pleasure they have is their “work.”
Dr. Meloy gives a great example of a psychopath “at work” on page 138 when he discusses a professional who was “worked” by a psychopath. Knowing that he was going to be assigned a certain probation officer, the psychopath asked others who knew her about her interests. On discovering that the woman was interested in metaphysics and the writings of Alfred North Whitehead, the psychopath went and read the writings. He then gained the respect and admiration of the P.O. because he discussed these writings as if he too had a genuine interest in them that predated his knowledge of her.
Meloy says, “He does not just play the role, observing the limits of his character, but lives the part.” People are taken in by the psychopath’s work because in the moment the psychopath really thinks and feels the part. His part is real and yet also a deception.
You know you are being worked when the things you love/enjoy are mirrored in this way. You can tell the difference between this mirroring and real sharing by the extent to which the other person tries to build your enthusiasm and point to the apparent “twin-ship” you share. This mirroring and twin-ship can occur with big things as in the metaphysics example and it can occur with little things as in the ice cream example.
Now if you know what I am talking about, you have been worked; you are likely far along in the recovery process because you know what this feels like. If you have only a vague notion of what I am saying, Dr. Meloy has other words of wisdom for you.
In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement (especially if the person has the disorder in a lesser form, see last week). To see the psychopathic process, you have to train yourself to pay attention to both a person’s words and to remember that person’s deeds at the same time.
If you do this you will be able to see the disconnect between words and deeds and the psychopathic process. If you begin to see the psychopathic process, it is very important that you not share this observation with the psychopath. He or she will not benefit from your feedback and may even become violent. At the moment you see the process, you must discipline yourself and disconnect. If you have problems with self-discipline you likely need a therapist to help you disentangle from the psychopathic process.
Recovery and discovery are about learning to pay attention. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what other people say and do. Most people need help in order to learn the skill of paying attention. That is the kind of help a good therapist can give you.
In the next few weeks we’ll talk more about the psychopathic process. Please feel free to share your experience of being worked or the disconnect between words and deeds.
Dear finally got the lesson,
You may be experiencing one of the symptoms of PTSD, or it may be your brain trying to “process” your subconscious thoughts or decisions. Dreams can somewhat be controlled as “Still trying” advised you, so give that a try. If that doesn’t work well enough then you might speak to a therapist.
I occasionally have dreams about the psychopaths in my life, some are not “happy” dreams and others are “working out the problem” dreams but I wouldn’t call any of them “nightmares>”
Sometimes dreams do help us work things out, but if you are experiencing horror dreams I would seek professional help for them.
Dear FinallyGotTheLesson.
I so relate to all the nightmares. I even developed extremely severe insomnia b/c I tried not to sleep, trying to avoid the nightmares, waking up sobbing.
For me, the nightmares were unfinished business. The more I tried to ignore and evade, the more my subconscience said okay, NOW ignore me. I really had to dig at my feelings in order to stop the nightmares. Hard to do when I was actively trying to deny and avoid. Now i get them once in a while, when totally stressed. But not every night any more. I paid attention to triggers and to my body, foods, side effects of medication and vitamins, I use aroma therapy. I don’t watch tv at night, I watch a movie that makes me feel good.
I have discovered telling myself to NOT do something is a trigger. As in sales seminars, people psychologically disregard the NOT and retain the phrase after (that’s why instructing a jury to disregard a witness lies enforces them to stand out.)
What I found more helpful was telling myself to have joyful pleasure and to picture something joyful and pleasure as I fall asleep. I reach for pleasure in my sleep (travels through a wonderful bluebell filled wood coming out at Beatrix Potter’s house, smelling the scent of bluebells and feeling the sun as I stepped from the woods into the open field.).
Any other suggestions to resolve insomnia? Anyone? This is a biggie and I’d love to hear other’s solutions.
Insomnia is a big problem, getting to sleep, staying asleep, and getting RESTFUL sleep may all be problems, especially in depression and/or PTSD.
I also have sleep apnea which is being treated with a machine, and Fibromyalgia which also causes problems with sleep (Fibro has some similar symptoms to PTSD), so when you add them all up there are times it is difficult to get REST even if I do sort of “blackout” and think I am asleep. Plus, age causes us to not sleep as deeply as we did when we were kids, and to wake up more often.
When you don’t get sleep, restful sleep, you feel like pounded CARP! Your muscles hurt, you don’t think well, you don’t make good decisions. Actually Fibromyalgia symptoms can be reproduced in HEALTHY young people by depriving them of restful sleep….and going long enough without restful sleep can actually cause delusions, hallucinations and just plain “crazy” thinking and behavior.
The two weeks after my son was arrested for murder I did not close my eyes for restful sleep, though I sort of “passed out” a time or two (no alcohol)—-at the end of nearly two weeks I was NOT really “sane” by anyone’s definition.
Sleep deprivation is a really serious problem if we let it go on and one. I suggest that if you are constantly fatigued or hurting all over that it is a good idea to get an evaluation by a sleep specialist and/or a mental health professional (not just your family doc) There are medications to help (short term at least) and sometimes a positive pressure CPAP machine is necessary. Ii am a VERY motivated patient for the machine as it makes life much nicer! It is a pain to get used to I admit but well worth it. If I can do it anyone can! Sleep apnea can cause all kinds of bad things including strokes and heart attacks.
I think a great deal of our healing is slowed down by lack of restful sleep.
The tricyclic antidepressants which are a generally safe and effective help in going to sleep and in Fribromyalgia treatments either alone at bed time, or in combination with other antidepressants, can sometimes help people with various sleep problems. But the thing is, you need to be evaluated individually for ANY medication and be under the supervision of a medical provider who is versed in those medications and problems.
As a retired medical professional I tend to not be a great patient, but I have learned to seek professional advice (besides my own! LOL) and to take that advice and not try to “tough it out” by myself. I wouldn’t try to fix my own broken leg so I don’t try to fix all my other problems either, I go to a professional, even if it is sort of hard to be on the “wrong side of” the clip board. It beats the heck out of not taking proper care of myself because I’m too stubborn to seek help! (yea, I AM stubborn. okay, yea, REALLY stubborn, but I do try to do the right thing! ) LOL
Dear Still Trying to Understand and KatyDid:
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It is very, very helpful for me to know that this is a normal part of the healing process.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me that is why I love this site so much for each of us sharing our experience.
Thank you : ) Bless You.
Nightmares….I, too, am afraid to go to sleep. I keep dreaming about my mom (who died in Feb) or my D or my dad who I can’t see right now….and I wake up sobbing, or afraid. I fight sleep. For a while I had been going to sleep at 2 or 3am and getting up at 5 or 6 because of this. Right now, since I have made some changes it is better. Go to sleep at midnight and don’t dream that I can remember anyway….I am actually sleeping. I think this is because I took some control of my life, took back some power. Doing things that are positive for my recovery from this hell….I also went back on my antidepressants which apparently has helped!
KatyDid and ifinallygotthelesson,
Being advised to tell myself that I WILL NOT have the nightmares is something that allows me to take control of my situation, my thoughts. I definitely agree on picturing something joyful and pleasurable… I suppose different techniques work for different personality types.
I pray that this is just another step in the healing process and will fade away sooner than later!
Good luck to us all!
StillTryingtoUnderstand,
You make a very good point. We may have the same symtom or problem like insomnia, but the solution is as individual as we are. NOTHING worked for my insomnia until I stopped all contact. Any contact makes me nightmares start again, it’s the trauma.
I do love hearing all responses. We’re NORMAL women sharing solutions to abnormal carp…!!
If we didn’t have abnormal responses to this stuff it would be ABNORMAL!
“That’s why his best targets are smart, successful women. He LOVES the game of reducing them to paranoid, doubting, confused, and damaged. But, we also recover better b/c when he is gone, we get ourselves back, wiser and stronger. Although I also say, he taught me things no human should have needed to know. ”
Katydid-I was just writing about how crappy I feel being unable to stand up to this guy….and then I read your post. This is exactly the truth and it is also the truth that when they are gone and we get ourselves back we are wiser and stronger. I KNOW I am…I still feel a bit shaky but it is getting better. The fog is lifting, the fear is falling away….just wanted to say thanks for writing that!
Not glad to hear that so many others have had the same problems with sleeping, but like KatyDid said love that we’re “normal women sharing solutions to abnormal crap.” Read a good book that has nothing to do with this subject, get yourself new sheets and blankets, settle into your bed before you should be sleeping with a cup of chamomile tea, count all of your blessings and know you are one day closer to recovering.
Peace Tonight All.