“The motivation (for lying) is particularly baffling in endogenous deceit when the psychopath may appear to have everything he wants yet continues quite predictably to commence the manipulative cycle.” So says Dr. Reid Meloy in The Psychopathic Mind, p121.
“I don’t think they even eat an ice cream cone just for pleasure, I think they do everything for the effect it has, or the image it presents. It isn’t about what is REAL it is about what they can appear to be. To them, I think, if they can get others to believe it, then it becomes “reality” as far as they are concerned.” So says Ox Drover in a comment on this blog.
There is complete agreement about one thing regarding sociopaths, that is lying defines them. While studies show that many people lie daily, the lying behavior of sociopaths differs in both degree and kind from “normal” lying. Sociopaths do not just misrepresent the truth in small ways to spare someone’s feelings, avoid an argument or avoid trouble. Sociopaths misrepresent themselves and this misrepresentation extends to everyone they know. (For more advanced readers, there may not be much of a self there to misrepresent.)
You don’t need a checklist
So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
I said a few weeks ago that I think Meloy’s book The psychopathic Mind is a great contribution to humanity. In this book, Meloy puts forth the idea that we can identify “psychopaths” by observing what he calls “the psychopathic process.” I searched the book for a precise definition of “the psychopathic process” and couldn’t find one but he implies that psychopathy is defined by the way a person interacts with others and with him/herself. He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
It doesn’t “work” on me anymore!
I have learned what it feels like to be “worked” and because I know what that feels like, “it” doesn’t work on me anymore. Sociopaths do not just lie, they work people. Their relationships are an occupation for them and it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. They will even work when there is no apparent reason to. Why do they do this? They do this because there is nothing else they can do. They have little or no capacity to look within and find an inner compass of values and pleasures. As Ox Drover points out, the only real pleasure they have is their “work.”
Dr. Meloy gives a great example of a psychopath “at work” on page 138 when he discusses a professional who was “worked” by a psychopath. Knowing that he was going to be assigned a certain probation officer, the psychopath asked others who knew her about her interests. On discovering that the woman was interested in metaphysics and the writings of Alfred North Whitehead, the psychopath went and read the writings. He then gained the respect and admiration of the P.O. because he discussed these writings as if he too had a genuine interest in them that predated his knowledge of her.
Meloy says, “He does not just play the role, observing the limits of his character, but lives the part.” People are taken in by the psychopath’s work because in the moment the psychopath really thinks and feels the part. His part is real and yet also a deception.
You know you are being worked when the things you love/enjoy are mirrored in this way. You can tell the difference between this mirroring and real sharing by the extent to which the other person tries to build your enthusiasm and point to the apparent “twin-ship” you share. This mirroring and twin-ship can occur with big things as in the metaphysics example and it can occur with little things as in the ice cream example.
Now if you know what I am talking about, you have been worked; you are likely far along in the recovery process because you know what this feels like. If you have only a vague notion of what I am saying, Dr. Meloy has other words of wisdom for you.
In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement (especially if the person has the disorder in a lesser form, see last week). To see the psychopathic process, you have to train yourself to pay attention to both a person’s words and to remember that person’s deeds at the same time.
If you do this you will be able to see the disconnect between words and deeds and the psychopathic process. If you begin to see the psychopathic process, it is very important that you not share this observation with the psychopath. He or she will not benefit from your feedback and may even become violent. At the moment you see the process, you must discipline yourself and disconnect. If you have problems with self-discipline you likely need a therapist to help you disentangle from the psychopathic process.
Recovery and discovery are about learning to pay attention. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what other people say and do. Most people need help in order to learn the skill of paying attention. That is the kind of help a good therapist can give you.
In the next few weeks we’ll talk more about the psychopathic process. Please feel free to share your experience of being worked or the disconnect between words and deeds.
Hi Kim As I have said before my X always had a job the three years he was here. He did work but changed jobs often. He was not good with money, would blow his pay check in a matter of hours at the casino. I asked him to leave early on because I was not going to be his sugar daddy or support him. So he asked me to manage his money. That led to constant arguments about money. Well I didnt want to manage his life either. By giving me control of his money he gained control over me and I still came out in the red trying to support his habits and needs. I think the spot on his lung was a lie and and all about drama and trying to keep me worried and crazy…
Kim,
Of course she had an agenda. They always have an agenda!
You had something that she wanted to possess. It may not have been something material. It could have been your grace, good heart, standing in the community, wit, admiration that you receive from others, love of your family… Whatever it was, it was something that she didn’t possess.
Thank your lucky stars for your prior experience with a spath (that’s a weird thing to say huh?). It allowed you that ‘gut’ feeling and protected you from more harm. Now you can teach your grandchildren what to watch for:)
hens, sorry, I was assuming…trying to superimpose meaning over the top of absolute HS. I think you’re right though, it kept you in your role as care-taker who felt sorry for him.
You posted a couple of weeks back about how he would pick a fight so he could go MIA, and not come back til he was broke, tired and hungry. My SOB did this all the time.
LOL no apology necessary. Yes his pay days were hell days. I finally told him just give me 500 a month for rent, that included food, a cook, a maid, a chauffer, car payment insurance, medical bills, sex etc etc..he said that was too much money and went and found himself a new fool. Perhaps one more desperate than I was, or one more generous I guess.
Still trying, Yeah, I think you make a good point…She had a lot going for herself in areas that I was ssorely lacking, for instance she was a real go-getter, and I kind stand back, and ho and hum. I lack confidance, at times…She was very computer savvy, I was fairly illiterate…I found those things appealing about her, and enjoyed learning from her, but, and here is the point, when it came to the areas I EXCELLED at, she would set up a competition and beat me at my game.
For example, I have a degree in Literature, so we would go to the Library together and check out books. She would grab a mystery novel and make a point of devouring it in 2 hours, affirming that she had been speed-reading her entire life.
I didn’t comment, but inside was thinking, that’s not what we do when we study Literature…we read it closely and carefully to understand the deeper nuances, but still it got my goat.
Next, I enjoy cooking and am pretty good at it, so we decided to make B and B burritoes. I made the B and B filling, and she made the tortillas.
That evening a friend of hers came by and asked, “YUMMM what smells so good?” She launched into a lesson on making tortillas and never even mentioned the beef and beans I made.
That evening she put my leftover B and B mixture on the porch and said I needed to throw it out cause, “it stunk”.
I know this all sounds petty, and I’m not a petty person, but it, made me feel icky and want to react in a petty way.
I think these disordered people will often target what is most valuable in us and try to tear it down.
She had few close friends and had only lived in this area for a couple of years, but she told me her X husband owned a wall-paper business, and she handled all the books and pay-roll, and did the office end of it. She told me once that her mother was a truck-driver, and another time that her mom was a furniture re-upholsterer…Well, I met her most recent room-mate and guess what SHE DID for a living? She worked for an interior type decoration company that both did wall-papering, and re-upholstering….
I just wonder how many of my (true) storys she stole, and who she really was.
I think it’s possible she spent some (a lot?) of time in prision.
hens, BOINK. It doesn’t have anything to do with generosity. These Ftards will suck us dry if we let them. At some point it comes down to self preservation…or not, and don’t be fooled. He’s sucking his next victim dry, even as we post.
Here’s a toast to all of their “next victims”. Here here. And here’s a prayer that all those next victims survive it, as we have. Amen.
Dear Kim,
In nursing there is a word CONFABULATION which we use for people who tell stories as they go, making them up, just for something to say. Children do it sometimes and the very disoriented will do it. Or people who are demented from age or brain injury. It is just story they make up and tell as if it was true to be able to be the center of attention at that moment.
I noticed when my neighbor “Crazy Bob” moved in across the road from me, at that time he talked in a THICK FAKE Scottish ACCENT that was soooo fake it stuck out like a sore thumb. He dressed in military fatigues with a red beret and wore a military holster and side arm.
He had these stories about being in the CIA, FBI, Navy Seals, Paratroopers with 5,000 (that is five thousand) jumps behind enemy lines etc.
First of all he terrified the neighbors he was trying to impress, but I saw through the confabulation, so one day I asked him “Where were you born and raised?” He said Little Rock, AR, why?” with a sheepish grin on his face. So I said “Then WHY in God’s name do you talk in a bad fake Scottish Accent?” He said, “Well, my name is scottish.”
I actually tried to help this guy, but there was NO socializing this jerk and before long he became known in the area of neighbors for 10 miles in either direction as “Crazy Bob” and the stories of his social faux pas were legion. I used to think he was just an ADHD adult with very poor social skills, but I have moved him up the scale a notich in to either paranoid delusional (maybe dangerous) or possibly high in psychopathic traits and low in self esteem and high in the need to “protect his image” and self—so I avoid him like the plague.
he left here for a couple of years and he’s back now, but for the most part stays hermited on his land back in the trees.
hermit back in the trees’ – Ox you talkin about me again?
Henry, nah, not talking about you—you at least go out to work and see your family, I guess actually I was talking about myself, “hermiting” back in the woods. BUT WE GOT RAIN!!!!! 2 days in a row!!! Yea!!! Decreases the danger of my house burning like it is doing in Colorado and boy, did we have dry leaves and dry conditioons, just what it took to get a fire going and keep it going. The cedars are even powder dry, some even dying in this lack of rain.
Saw something I had never noticed before and had to look it up on the Internet to see if my GUESS was right. But there was a basketball sized WAD of live red paper wasps on several corners of my roof edge the other evening and one smaller wad of them on one of my trees….since I am allergic to them, we armed ourselves and sprayed the heck out of them, killing most of them if not all.
Anyway, it was a wad of them mating to fertilize next year’s queens before they start hybernating. Apparently they usually do this later in the fall when it cools off a good bit but apparently the dry weather and lack of food made them do this early this year and I just happened to notice the clumps of them.
Apparently they are a very beneficial insect but I hate them because I’m allergic—so we wiped’ em out to the best of our ability!
I am getting some good rain today. I am trying to be productive but for the most part me and the weiners are holding the couch down,,bah hum bug..