“The motivation (for lying) is particularly baffling in endogenous deceit when the psychopath may appear to have everything he wants yet continues quite predictably to commence the manipulative cycle.” So says Dr. Reid Meloy in The Psychopathic Mind, p121.
“I don’t think they even eat an ice cream cone just for pleasure, I think they do everything for the effect it has, or the image it presents. It isn’t about what is REAL it is about what they can appear to be. To them, I think, if they can get others to believe it, then it becomes “reality” as far as they are concerned.” So says Ox Drover in a comment on this blog.
There is complete agreement about one thing regarding sociopaths, that is lying defines them. While studies show that many people lie daily, the lying behavior of sociopaths differs in both degree and kind from “normal” lying. Sociopaths do not just misrepresent the truth in small ways to spare someone’s feelings, avoid an argument or avoid trouble. Sociopaths misrepresent themselves and this misrepresentation extends to everyone they know. (For more advanced readers, there may not be much of a self there to misrepresent.)
You don’t need a checklist
So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
I said a few weeks ago that I think Meloy’s book The psychopathic Mind is a great contribution to humanity. In this book, Meloy puts forth the idea that we can identify “psychopaths” by observing what he calls “the psychopathic process.” I searched the book for a precise definition of “the psychopathic process” and couldn’t find one but he implies that psychopathy is defined by the way a person interacts with others and with him/herself. He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
It doesn’t “work” on me anymore!
I have learned what it feels like to be “worked” and because I know what that feels like, “it” doesn’t work on me anymore. Sociopaths do not just lie, they work people. Their relationships are an occupation for them and it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. They will even work when there is no apparent reason to. Why do they do this? They do this because there is nothing else they can do. They have little or no capacity to look within and find an inner compass of values and pleasures. As Ox Drover points out, the only real pleasure they have is their “work.”
Dr. Meloy gives a great example of a psychopath “at work” on page 138 when he discusses a professional who was “worked” by a psychopath. Knowing that he was going to be assigned a certain probation officer, the psychopath asked others who knew her about her interests. On discovering that the woman was interested in metaphysics and the writings of Alfred North Whitehead, the psychopath went and read the writings. He then gained the respect and admiration of the P.O. because he discussed these writings as if he too had a genuine interest in them that predated his knowledge of her.
Meloy says, “He does not just play the role, observing the limits of his character, but lives the part.” People are taken in by the psychopath’s work because in the moment the psychopath really thinks and feels the part. His part is real and yet also a deception.
You know you are being worked when the things you love/enjoy are mirrored in this way. You can tell the difference between this mirroring and real sharing by the extent to which the other person tries to build your enthusiasm and point to the apparent “twin-ship” you share. This mirroring and twin-ship can occur with big things as in the metaphysics example and it can occur with little things as in the ice cream example.
Now if you know what I am talking about, you have been worked; you are likely far along in the recovery process because you know what this feels like. If you have only a vague notion of what I am saying, Dr. Meloy has other words of wisdom for you.
In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement (especially if the person has the disorder in a lesser form, see last week). To see the psychopathic process, you have to train yourself to pay attention to both a person’s words and to remember that person’s deeds at the same time.
If you do this you will be able to see the disconnect between words and deeds and the psychopathic process. If you begin to see the psychopathic process, it is very important that you not share this observation with the psychopath. He or she will not benefit from your feedback and may even become violent. At the moment you see the process, you must discipline yourself and disconnect. If you have problems with self-discipline you likely need a therapist to help you disentangle from the psychopathic process.
Recovery and discovery are about learning to pay attention. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what other people say and do. Most people need help in order to learn the skill of paying attention. That is the kind of help a good therapist can give you.
In the next few weeks we’ll talk more about the psychopathic process. Please feel free to share your experience of being worked or the disconnect between words and deeds.
Hey guys,
Did any of you see 20/20 this Friday evening? The “Military Mistress” is one HUGE sociopath- she even says her own mom calls her that. Very interesting story:
http://abcnews.go.com/2020
Adamsrib,
I looked that up, as didn’t see the show–that woman is as bad as Donna’s JAMES MONTGOMERY!!! She is unbelievable! Had 9 kids by 9 men and gave them all away. WOW!!!! That is just WOW!!!!
Thanks for the link!!!!
Oh wow. I just had a flashback and/or epiphany. The S would always say, and always when HE did something wrong and I wanted to confront him about it. “You always want to argue..” As if he’s some saint, some angel, some peace maker! For example, had i come upon incriminating information about him stringing along several other women, and gotten angry because of that fact ( as I rightly should ) … that was me “trying to argue”. Circular argument indeed.
No wonder those who have been preyed on by sociopaths appear to appear “meek” and “lobotomized” after a period of time! They attempt to throw a wrench in your ANGER. Anger is healthy- I forget where I’m borrowing this example, but if you imagine a prisoner being held captive by his captors, the last vestige, the last sliver himself is held in his anger. Because his anger is the cry for justice, and that which binds his loyalty to his self. And we all know the most important relationship we have : is with ourselves. If we “give away our anger” or “act like it’s not there” we are as Kathy Krajco once said literally “bending over for it” ( Think : Sin of Sodom ) .. she also said the word “betray” literally means to “offer yourself on a platter” … Be – Tray
Kathy Krajco writes : ” something that makes any man, woman, or child feel so self-degraded that they hate themselves ever after.”
Yes, they make you betray your relationship with yourSELF so you can mindnumbingly follow whatever the S wants you to do. See, they’ve got yourself doubting your own sanity, your own intuition, your very last vestige of self ( Anger ) … so you are placing that which you should give to yourself to THEM. And of course they don’t give a flying squibble about your well-being, so of course that places you in a very precarious position.
I think when put into those terms, the picture becomes very vivid. Revolting, yes, but clear.
By the way Dr. Leedom this is an excellent post, thanks. I do recall many stages of Mirroring ESPECIALLY at the onset of the predator-prey interaction, involving my interests and likes. Most are quite textbook, in fact. I was definetely “worked”.. it’s the mirroring which causes people to think that they’ve met their soulmate when in fact it’s the exact opposite.. you’ve walked into the Devil’s Lair itself. I think it also helps to think of how they “work” someone as the “psychopathic process” as you mentioned because it’s not simply a set of traits any longer… it’s much more distinctive than that. I’m definetely going to look into that book, thanks for mentioning it.
And that is why they are so vicious when they discard you – because they are experiencing bitter disappointment that you, as their plaything, have failed to provide whatever on-going, ever-changing sustenance they need. Because at some point, when they were with you, and they said they loved you, they just might have actually believed it in that moment, they just might have thought they were normal in that moment, and they just might have even fooled themselves for a moment. But then, as always, their disorder takes over, their narcissism kicks into overdrive, and once again, faced with the shambles of their own making, and their inability to own it, they throw the blame outwards – and feel genuinely entitled to do so, because as their plaything, it is obviously all your fault. Even though they clearly abused you, used you, stole, lied, cheated, and neglected – with full intent, or at least awareness, because that is the only way they know how to relate to the object in their lives! And then, when they know that “it” doesn’t work on you anymore, they are all the more incensed. It still boggles my mind, how someone can be so markedly, pointedly, deliberately, and intimately cruel, when they weren’t capable of real intimacy to begin with. And how is it that they actually believe, that if they just gloss over it all, you will once again, suddenly become susceptible to “it” all over again? Last time he tried to draw me in, he had a mini-tantrum when I remained indifferent – or at least convincingly feigned indifference. I admit, his frustration amused me. Hopefully one day I will move beyond this stage too. But for now, I’m not there yet.
Going,
great post. Yes, the last few tantrums also amused me. But at the same time they never fail to leave a trail of slime.
I believe you are right about them believing for a few moments that their lies are true. They are like a kid with a toy, that gives them great pleasure, because it always lights up and buzzes when they push the buttons, but at the same time the kid like to abuse his toys until they break, and when it does, he gets mad, says, “stupid toy” and stomps on it, smashing it to smithereens.
Near the end, my exP looked at me and said, “when did you stop respecting me?”
Sky?
Now THAT is more than just amazing audacity!!!
LL
Hi Lesson,
Audacity, yes. That is the word for them.
dinner time. gotta go.
((hugs))
Skylar thanks – your comparison was spot on, amused me also – but without that trail of slime : )
And Sky,
at the end, after my exP had smashed us all to smithereens, he had the gall to say he stopped loving me five years previously because he realized I was just using him for a paycheck.
I’m sure I don’t need to detail the lovefraud crowd the truth about the emotional/financial/professional abuse and neglect that we (the children and I) experienced.
But, a little tidibt about his statement, which I can even giggle about now…because if you don’t laugh, you cry….he brought upwards of 30k in debt to the entanglement, which of course, he explained was all the fault of his first wife’s drug addiction, while I brought an inheritance of $250,000k.
He is presently engaged to a woman who has never been married and whose parents are allowing them to live on the family’s country estate while they are living abroad. He knew her years ago, told me her family was rich, that they were indulging her little career because they knew she would never marry because she gave off an “asexual” vibe, and that one day she would return to the fold so the men in the family could look after her. I remember it still because it was such a bizarre way to speak about a new friend and co-worker. And his own family tells me that their courtship consisted mainly of online activites, and no more than 6 visits back and forth between the country where she was working, and the country where he lives, until she eventually transfered back home, presumably to be with him.
She should be warned, but of course she is under the spell and in any event, my first priority is to my children, so enraging him for her benefit is not an option.
I am saddened though that his family, who knows the truth, will allow this to continue. I think they just want rid of him.
Going,
yes, I have so much I can use against my exP but… what a waste of my time and effort. If there was a way I could do it and not have to ever see or deal with him again, I would.
What I really would like is for him to remove the trojan horse he left in my family, married to my sister, who is also a spath. But really, what good would it do when my parents are N’s and my brother is a spath? The trojan fits right in.
I know what you mean about laughing so you don’t cry. They are comical when you don’t take it personally. LOL.
That woman your exP is with now, sounds like a real prize. She also sounds like she’ll end up dead soon after the wedding. It will be an accident on their honeymoon.