“The motivation (for lying) is particularly baffling in endogenous deceit when the psychopath may appear to have everything he wants yet continues quite predictably to commence the manipulative cycle.” So says Dr. Reid Meloy in The Psychopathic Mind, p121.
“I don’t think they even eat an ice cream cone just for pleasure, I think they do everything for the effect it has, or the image it presents. It isn’t about what is REAL it is about what they can appear to be. To them, I think, if they can get others to believe it, then it becomes “reality” as far as they are concerned.” So says Ox Drover in a comment on this blog.
There is complete agreement about one thing regarding sociopaths, that is lying defines them. While studies show that many people lie daily, the lying behavior of sociopaths differs in both degree and kind from “normal” lying. Sociopaths do not just misrepresent the truth in small ways to spare someone’s feelings, avoid an argument or avoid trouble. Sociopaths misrepresent themselves and this misrepresentation extends to everyone they know. (For more advanced readers, there may not be much of a self there to misrepresent.)
You don’t need a checklist
So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
I said a few weeks ago that I think Meloy’s book The psychopathic Mind is a great contribution to humanity. In this book, Meloy puts forth the idea that we can identify “psychopaths” by observing what he calls “the psychopathic process.” I searched the book for a precise definition of “the psychopathic process” and couldn’t find one but he implies that psychopathy is defined by the way a person interacts with others and with him/herself. He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
It doesn’t “work” on me anymore!
I have learned what it feels like to be “worked” and because I know what that feels like, “it” doesn’t work on me anymore. Sociopaths do not just lie, they work people. Their relationships are an occupation for them and it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. They will even work when there is no apparent reason to. Why do they do this? They do this because there is nothing else they can do. They have little or no capacity to look within and find an inner compass of values and pleasures. As Ox Drover points out, the only real pleasure they have is their “work.”
Dr. Meloy gives a great example of a psychopath “at work” on page 138 when he discusses a professional who was “worked” by a psychopath. Knowing that he was going to be assigned a certain probation officer, the psychopath asked others who knew her about her interests. On discovering that the woman was interested in metaphysics and the writings of Alfred North Whitehead, the psychopath went and read the writings. He then gained the respect and admiration of the P.O. because he discussed these writings as if he too had a genuine interest in them that predated his knowledge of her.
Meloy says, “He does not just play the role, observing the limits of his character, but lives the part.” People are taken in by the psychopath’s work because in the moment the psychopath really thinks and feels the part. His part is real and yet also a deception.
You know you are being worked when the things you love/enjoy are mirrored in this way. You can tell the difference between this mirroring and real sharing by the extent to which the other person tries to build your enthusiasm and point to the apparent “twin-ship” you share. This mirroring and twin-ship can occur with big things as in the metaphysics example and it can occur with little things as in the ice cream example.
Now if you know what I am talking about, you have been worked; you are likely far along in the recovery process because you know what this feels like. If you have only a vague notion of what I am saying, Dr. Meloy has other words of wisdom for you.
In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement (especially if the person has the disorder in a lesser form, see last week). To see the psychopathic process, you have to train yourself to pay attention to both a person’s words and to remember that person’s deeds at the same time.
If you do this you will be able to see the disconnect between words and deeds and the psychopathic process. If you begin to see the psychopathic process, it is very important that you not share this observation with the psychopath. He or she will not benefit from your feedback and may even become violent. At the moment you see the process, you must discipline yourself and disconnect. If you have problems with self-discipline you likely need a therapist to help you disentangle from the psychopathic process.
Recovery and discovery are about learning to pay attention. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what other people say and do. Most people need help in order to learn the skill of paying attention. That is the kind of help a good therapist can give you.
In the next few weeks we’ll talk more about the psychopathic process. Please feel free to share your experience of being worked or the disconnect between words and deeds.
Ooooh Skylar – how wicked. First I laughed, then I froze. He DID freak out when he left and I removed hm from the life insurance policy. He said if “If you die, I’ll be damned if I have to ask your family for the insurance money, you know, to take the kids to Florida or something, you know, to get them through the rough patch” (i.e. my death). This was two months after he left, two months during which time he allowed his own policy, the one for me and the kids, to bounce. I only knew this cos the broker called to ask me what was up. This was his most rageful tantrum up until that point and I slept on the couch with the lights on for four days. afterwards. Thx for the reminder!
How can you know when you’ve encountered a sociopath?
When the sociopath has already fucked you badly or killed you.
I’ve just seen spoorloos (the vanishing 1988) and i’m traumatized. Poor guy found out too late…and the psycho even mentioned to him his “light” desorder of personality was in medical manuals under the name of sociopathy but the guy still thought he was dealing with some sort of person.
I’m Rex Hoffman and this is a bit wierd!
Going through the motions,
I am assuming you have kids with this person, and I would suggest you go to Dr. Leedom’s blogsite “Parenting the at risk child” (there’s a link here on blog rolls on LF) and get the support you need for parenting these kids with that monster for a father.
I know you can’t “will” your children at your death, but you can arrange that someone else have control over the finances of your children in the event something happens to you. Take care and glad you are here.
Thank you Oxy, you have been a rock of support for two years now! Only recently healed enough to post without dissolving into nonsense. And sadly, I have become all too familiar with so much of the literature available, and still refer back to it consistently, including the blogsite you mentioned. My only saving grace has stemmed from my ex-spath’s own disorder – no real interest in the children beyond their contribution to his image, their entertainment value, and their usefulness as tools with which to threaten and intimidate me while working through the divorce process. He actually told me that he was leaving, and that I should take the kids away, and he would stay in the marital home with some “roomates”, and “from that extra income” he would pay “what I can, when I can”. He repeatedly told me he only wanted to see them “for like, two weeks a year, but not to be financially penalized if I can’t accommodate them due to, uh, my work schedule”. There is of course, so much more, but the upshot is, I have sole custody and have moved half way around the world – thanks to learning what he was, and how to “keep my cards close” because obviously the more you want something, the less they want you to have it – such exhausitng work to act all spathy! But it is so much better now, though I still never relax entirely of course, since legal agreements can always be re-opened. But I did manage to arrange it so that custody matters would be held in court here. He did demand that the children be remanded to him upon my death, but I think that was only because his lawyer insisted and he wanted her to think well of him. I hope that if something does happen to me, they will be old enough to have a say, and aware enough to make wise choices. I also have a specific non-binding clause in my will – but it is there just the same, and will hopefully put him off if only to avoid potential exposure and hassle. And there is no money in it for him either anymore, and that is iron-clad so…knock on wood. Now with the new woman in the pic, things feel unsettled again, as she is encouraging him to take advantage of the concessions I offered up in order to attain custody, such as unlimited phone calls etc. It feels to me like she is unwittingly prolonging the inevitable and for once, I pray for his own inconsistency to take over, and for this to be another phase that falls by the wayside. What a sad thing to hope for your children! But for the best – I know. Thank you Oxy.
Dear goingthroughthemotions,
Glad that you have the bases covered! Sometimes they will use the kids as a ruse to convince the new “person” in their life what great parents they are and what a witch you are, so hopefully this will be a passing phase as you said.
I”m glad that you are far away from him too. With you out of the picture in the unfortunate event of your death and NO money in it for him, I suspect your kids will be safe as he is not likely to get any “reward” out of the trouble just having them would cause.
I’m also glad that you are recovering enough to post here. Keep on reading, I learn something new almost every day that somehow helps me along, or I wouldn’t be here for over 3 years for sure. I’m glad that my blogging has been a benefit to you, I often wonder about the people out there who, like you, read but don’t post and wonder if they take something of value with them from the bloggers. Thank you for the validation that it does. (((hugs))) and God bless.
And that reminds me of an oldie but goodie from Narnia…
“Women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible like that”.
White Witch character I think? I apologize to the men that are healing on Lovefraud – I’m sure the quotation can be applied to male witches in recovery too : )
Thank you Liane these words have jelped me a great deal today : ”In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement ”.
It helps me understand why I CANNOT figure out why he appears to believe the words himself, as divorced from reality as they are
Apologies to Liane! I incorrectly told a poster in another thread that this great article had been written by another author. I go back to this a lot, it helps me regain clarity about what I have gone through.
Tea Light,
You keep bringing up some real goodies!Spath kept me so busy and stressed that it took a very long time for me to catch that “complete disconnect between words and actions”.But that certainly is the way that sociopathy works!
The LF archive is a treasure trove ! I’ve been busy reading some
great articles from years ago. It really helps when I’m struggling with moving forward and am feeling overwhelmed
I am very grateful to those of you who find the articles in the archives and bring them back up. They help me, and I’m sure other new people here, to read the articles and to read all of the comments and feel I can be as peaceful as I can even with a spath in my life.
I get emails from author Patricia Evans here and there and in the one she sent out today, she discussed what she called “JPS” behaviors/words. JPS is “Just Plain Senseless.” I had dealt with the spath for too much time yesterday and he had said some things that are JPS and they leave me feeling baffled and tired.
One statement was made while we were watching a TV show. Watching TV is usually the most I can stand to do with him and I consider it part of a “job” at this point. Not that he doesn’t pour on the charm and humor part of the time as we all know. But, as usual, the fun doesn’t last long. I have posted here before that we live in a duplex type situation and he pays his share of the bills (and more) every month because he is old and on a walker, none of the young women would have anything to do with him any more. It works out well enough if I do consider him a job to make money at home. When I spend too much time with him (he is headed for another leg surgery and he has been pulling the lonely and pitiful card trying to make me think he wants to spend time with me when he really wants to do his smarmy charmy act to get to keep living here), it never ends well. But, I will acquiesce to a TV show to make him believe I think he is a human.
We were watching a TV show that included a woman had lost 80 pounds and had become strict with herself and her family about every little thing. The woman had long hair and was physically fit. They showed a photo of her before she lost the weight and she had short hair.
I am a thin woman (just my natural weight because I have always been sick and there are a lot of foods I can’t eat) with long hair (my choice because my self esteem is higher when I have long hair. Spath made this statement about the woman on TV: “I think she looked better before with the weight and the short hair.” I immediately thought, “Why would he say that to skinny me with long hair?” I ignored him, but I just stopped talking much and he got tired and left which made me very glad.
As soon as I read Evans’ short statement today about Just Plain Senseless (JPS) statements by verbal abusers, it helped tremendously. These types of (I hate to call them people because I think they are nothing more than living organisms who will do and say anything to get their addictions, cravings, wahtever….met) creatures are Just Plain Senseless. I can guarantee you that there are many people who are a normal size whom have heard while watching a show, “Wow! Look how thin she is. She looks great!” I am sure that there are many who have short hair whom have been told, “I like long hair.” It really is JPS. They are JUST PLAIN SENSELESS. JPS is going to stay in mind while dealing with this thing. We are all wonderful people and anyone who knew how to love, would love what we are, how we like our hair, the shape we are. Only the spaths will pick on us and ALWAYS state that what they really admire is the exact opposite of us…no matter what it is. JPS.