“The motivation (for lying) is particularly baffling in endogenous deceit when the psychopath may appear to have everything he wants yet continues quite predictably to commence the manipulative cycle.” So says Dr. Reid Meloy in The Psychopathic Mind, p121.
“I don’t think they even eat an ice cream cone just for pleasure, I think they do everything for the effect it has, or the image it presents. It isn’t about what is REAL it is about what they can appear to be. To them, I think, if they can get others to believe it, then it becomes “reality” as far as they are concerned.” So says Ox Drover in a comment on this blog.
There is complete agreement about one thing regarding sociopaths, that is lying defines them. While studies show that many people lie daily, the lying behavior of sociopaths differs in both degree and kind from “normal” lying. Sociopaths do not just misrepresent the truth in small ways to spare someone’s feelings, avoid an argument or avoid trouble. Sociopaths misrepresent themselves and this misrepresentation extends to everyone they know. (For more advanced readers, there may not be much of a self there to misrepresent.)
You don’t need a checklist
So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
I said a few weeks ago that I think Meloy’s book The psychopathic Mind is a great contribution to humanity. In this book, Meloy puts forth the idea that we can identify “psychopaths” by observing what he calls “the psychopathic process.” I searched the book for a precise definition of “the psychopathic process” and couldn’t find one but he implies that psychopathy is defined by the way a person interacts with others and with him/herself. He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
It doesn’t “work” on me anymore!
I have learned what it feels like to be “worked” and because I know what that feels like, “it” doesn’t work on me anymore. Sociopaths do not just lie, they work people. Their relationships are an occupation for them and it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. They will even work when there is no apparent reason to. Why do they do this? They do this because there is nothing else they can do. They have little or no capacity to look within and find an inner compass of values and pleasures. As Ox Drover points out, the only real pleasure they have is their “work.”
Dr. Meloy gives a great example of a psychopath “at work” on page 138 when he discusses a professional who was “worked” by a psychopath. Knowing that he was going to be assigned a certain probation officer, the psychopath asked others who knew her about her interests. On discovering that the woman was interested in metaphysics and the writings of Alfred North Whitehead, the psychopath went and read the writings. He then gained the respect and admiration of the P.O. because he discussed these writings as if he too had a genuine interest in them that predated his knowledge of her.
Meloy says, “He does not just play the role, observing the limits of his character, but lives the part.” People are taken in by the psychopath’s work because in the moment the psychopath really thinks and feels the part. His part is real and yet also a deception.
You know you are being worked when the things you love/enjoy are mirrored in this way. You can tell the difference between this mirroring and real sharing by the extent to which the other person tries to build your enthusiasm and point to the apparent “twin-ship” you share. This mirroring and twin-ship can occur with big things as in the metaphysics example and it can occur with little things as in the ice cream example.
Now if you know what I am talking about, you have been worked; you are likely far along in the recovery process because you know what this feels like. If you have only a vague notion of what I am saying, Dr. Meloy has other words of wisdom for you.
In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement (especially if the person has the disorder in a lesser form, see last week). To see the psychopathic process, you have to train yourself to pay attention to both a person’s words and to remember that person’s deeds at the same time.
If you do this you will be able to see the disconnect between words and deeds and the psychopathic process. If you begin to see the psychopathic process, it is very important that you not share this observation with the psychopath. He or she will not benefit from your feedback and may even become violent. At the moment you see the process, you must discipline yourself and disconnect. If you have problems with self-discipline you likely need a therapist to help you disentangle from the psychopathic process.
Recovery and discovery are about learning to pay attention. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what other people say and do. Most people need help in order to learn the skill of paying attention. That is the kind of help a good therapist can give you.
In the next few weeks we’ll talk more about the psychopathic process. Please feel free to share your experience of being worked or the disconnect between words and deeds.
Yea,k this is a great article and we are so astounded that they CAN BE that evil, that they CAN CONTINUE TO LIE when there are 12 witnesses who are all Nuns, ministers, cops or rabbis, and a close up video DVD of them doing what they are lying about! Doesn’t make any difference they will DENY DENY DENY!!!!! And expect you to eventually BELIEVE them. HOW CAN THEY DO THIS? Just because they CAN!
As far as the “gut feeling” research has shown that even professionals will get “gut feelings” (physically) when in the presence of a psychopath! Yep, they can give you the creeps and make the hair stand up on the back of your neck because there is an INSTINCT somewhere inside us that sometimes (if not always) lets us know THERE IS A PREDATOR IN THE AREA, BEWARE!!!! We need to respect this warning signal, because the antelope that isn’t wary will get eaten and the man/woman who doesn’t watch out for the psychopaths will get betrayed!
Oxy,
That “gut feeling” that the research shows is really interesting. When I first started dating my X, I was telling my therapist how insecure I felt around him, but he wasn’t doing anything in particular that I could put my finger on. I just attributed it to a self esteem problem with me, which could have been part of it, but there was always something that I just was not comfortable with. Since my X was very well educated, sociable, and gregarious, I thought–as did my therapist–that he had a lot together. To make a long story short, I learned that I’m super intuitive, and all the things that I was afraid might be happening within the relationship (his lying, cheating) were ALL true. So, I really think that it was my intuition right from the beginning clueing me in that this was a bad dude!
I cannot stress to people enough to trust their intuition, but unfortunately this seems SO infrequent with Spaths, especially when they are in seduction mode. I used to tell my X that he had a charm offensive.
Hopeful6596
Oh, yes, and so does a spider. “Step into my parlor” said the spider to the fly! And we step right over our own intitution and stop it down flat and then step right into the spider’s parlor.
NO more though—now at the FIRST sign of a lie or dishonesty I am GONE, baby, GONE! See the rabbit RUN!
little miss muffet sat down on her tuffet along came a spider and sat down beside her and frighten little miss muffet away – or did she spill her poridge?
Oxy,
Ha! Yep, the spider knows what he’s doing, that’s for sure. As usual, great analogy, Oxy. I have absolutely promised myself that when I am ready to date, I am going to LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to that intuition. It has never, ever been proven wrong–always right.
I don’t want to be too hypervigilant, but it may mean letting some nice guys go, even if they don’t deserve it. That’s the chance I’m willing to take. I’ve dated two Spaths now, and I can’t imagine going through this again.
Speaking of the first Spath that I dated 4 years ago, I heard from a mutual friend that he got fired from his job for sexual misconduct. It just validated that these guys don’t change, and it was no surprise hearing the news.
Hopeful6596~
Hopeful! KARMA RULES!!!!!!
Gidday ladies and gents 🙂
So so true – the disconnect between words and actions is just plain stunning. And Rosa you are dead right about their ability to twist conversations … logic doesn’t come into it at all. They’re onlu interested in manipulating you and tripping you up no matter what you say. I remember that many times I would approach him and say
“Look this is a problem – can we sit down and talk about it together so we can find a solution?”
I would be so so calm and negotiable, but he would always find a way to escalate the conversation to manipulate me. I remember many times it would escalate up to a raging argument and I’d be thinking
“What the F just happened?>”
Usually he’d misinterpret what I said so it reflected badly on me and I had to be on the defensive. If I said something like
“We need to budget our money”
He would reply
“Oh yes because it’s all my fault we don’t have enough money. You think you’re all high and mighty since you make more money than me.”
The circular arguments several posters have commented on were awful. You couldn’t raise the big picture of what was happening ie constant irresponsibility and lies and broken promises because then he’d say
“You’re never going to forgive me for anything. What’s the point when you always bring up the past??”
I knew there was a big picture and it wasn’t pretty but he always made me doubt my perception and his perception that our marriage was perfect became the reality that I was forced to accept. So why was I suicidal if the marriage was so great and he was such a great husband?? His explanation was that I had always been depressed – then of course he was able to present himself as a fine upstanding and responsible husband for staying with a wife who had ‘mental health issues.’
Absolutely crazy. No wonder it had such a bad effect on me. You cannot converse or negotiate with a psychopath. No matter what you say you will always be wrong because the psychopath is always right in his mind and your perception is all wrong.
hopeforjoy I agree with you when you say:
“He is soooo afraid of being alone, probably because they have no soul and it’s hard to live alone with just your evil self. I bet they would drive themselves mad without victims to mess around with”
They would have NOTHING…no sense of self, integrity, reason to exist…it would be the best way to study them…alone, in isolation..how would they reference themselves without an ‘other’ would they begin to connect to the frozen core? would it thaw out or is it not there in the first place…I think all the research say there is nothing there in the first place to re connect to…so they would probably just fantasise…
My reaction to a spider is to jump a mile in the air and run, then calmly get grip of myself… get a glass pop it over them, slide a card underneath and put em outside unhurt…..it’s such an immediate strategy…I wish I had the same reaction when a human spider appears..but they camouflage so well….
Bp, You have a huge soul! I allow spiders to live, too. A friend of mine once commented that it was very Ghandiesque of me. 🙂 His first name, “Mahatma” means great soul.
And his greatest virtue was passive resistance.
would a huge soul dream about extinguishing the life of the P?
what would Ghandi say about all this evil …I’m going to google it to see what he would say…ha ha can’t believe I’m even interested….see this what a P does to one…turns you into gold!!