“The motivation (for lying) is particularly baffling in endogenous deceit when the psychopath may appear to have everything he wants yet continues quite predictably to commence the manipulative cycle.” So says Dr. Reid Meloy in The Psychopathic Mind, p121.
“I don’t think they even eat an ice cream cone just for pleasure, I think they do everything for the effect it has, or the image it presents. It isn’t about what is REAL it is about what they can appear to be. To them, I think, if they can get others to believe it, then it becomes “reality” as far as they are concerned.” So says Ox Drover in a comment on this blog.
There is complete agreement about one thing regarding sociopaths, that is lying defines them. While studies show that many people lie daily, the lying behavior of sociopaths differs in both degree and kind from “normal” lying. Sociopaths do not just misrepresent the truth in small ways to spare someone’s feelings, avoid an argument or avoid trouble. Sociopaths misrepresent themselves and this misrepresentation extends to everyone they know. (For more advanced readers, there may not be much of a self there to misrepresent.)
You don’t need a checklist
So today I can tell you with confidence that you don’t need a checklist of symptoms or a forensic expert. If you are astounded by another person’s capacity to lie and misrepresent reality you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath.
I said a few weeks ago that I think Meloy’s book The psychopathic Mind is a great contribution to humanity. In this book, Meloy puts forth the idea that we can identify “psychopaths” by observing what he calls “the psychopathic process.” I searched the book for a precise definition of “the psychopathic process” and couldn’t find one but he implies that psychopathy is defined by the way a person interacts with others and with him/herself. He also says that it is possible to identify a “psychopath” by the way that person makes you feel. If you can look within yourself and monitor your own reactions you can learn to tell when you are face to face with “the psychopathic process.”
It doesn’t “work” on me anymore!
I have learned what it feels like to be “worked” and because I know what that feels like, “it” doesn’t work on me anymore. Sociopaths do not just lie, they work people. Their relationships are an occupation for them and it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. They will even work when there is no apparent reason to. Why do they do this? They do this because there is nothing else they can do. They have little or no capacity to look within and find an inner compass of values and pleasures. As Ox Drover points out, the only real pleasure they have is their “work.”
Dr. Meloy gives a great example of a psychopath “at work” on page 138 when he discusses a professional who was “worked” by a psychopath. Knowing that he was going to be assigned a certain probation officer, the psychopath asked others who knew her about her interests. On discovering that the woman was interested in metaphysics and the writings of Alfred North Whitehead, the psychopath went and read the writings. He then gained the respect and admiration of the P.O. because he discussed these writings as if he too had a genuine interest in them that predated his knowledge of her.
Meloy says, “He does not just play the role, observing the limits of his character, but lives the part.” People are taken in by the psychopath’s work because in the moment the psychopath really thinks and feels the part. His part is real and yet also a deception.
You know you are being worked when the things you love/enjoy are mirrored in this way. You can tell the difference between this mirroring and real sharing by the extent to which the other person tries to build your enthusiasm and point to the apparent “twin-ship” you share. This mirroring and twin-ship can occur with big things as in the metaphysics example and it can occur with little things as in the ice cream example.
Now if you know what I am talking about, you have been worked; you are likely far along in the recovery process because you know what this feels like. If you have only a vague notion of what I am saying, Dr. Meloy has other words of wisdom for you.
In the psychopathic process there is a “complete disconnect between words and actions.” If you notice that a person’s actions point south and their words point north, you are dealing with a sociopath. To be concrete, if the person says they love you and either doesn’t spend much time with you, or repeatedly harms and stresses you, you are in the middle of a psychopathic process. But remember since the person “lives the part” at the moment he/she is with you and says “I love you” there is some vague reality to the statement (especially if the person has the disorder in a lesser form, see last week). To see the psychopathic process, you have to train yourself to pay attention to both a person’s words and to remember that person’s deeds at the same time.
If you do this you will be able to see the disconnect between words and deeds and the psychopathic process. If you begin to see the psychopathic process, it is very important that you not share this observation with the psychopath. He or she will not benefit from your feedback and may even become violent. At the moment you see the process, you must discipline yourself and disconnect. If you have problems with self-discipline you likely need a therapist to help you disentangle from the psychopathic process.
Recovery and discovery are about learning to pay attention. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what other people say and do. Most people need help in order to learn the skill of paying attention. That is the kind of help a good therapist can give you.
In the next few weeks we’ll talk more about the psychopathic process. Please feel free to share your experience of being worked or the disconnect between words and deeds.
🙂
Ghandi says:
“Non-cooperation with evil is a sacred duty.”
Yes, I like it…..non co-operation as opposed to more violence..yup!
Wow, Bullet, that’s fantastic. I REALLY LIKE THAT.
nomore–I have experienced the EXACT same conversations. As I am an introspective person, I fell for his blame game for too long searching for what was wrong with me or my approach. You do a great job of establishing how THEY are the problem–no wonder they don’t want to be problem solvers!
I love this article. Gut feelings are so important to pay attention to. I know that now. I had that creepy, somethings wrong, Beware!! Danger!! signal the first time I encountered my ex, I will never forget that but I still ignored it and then he started talking……. oh no! The cycle had begun and I hadnt enough knowledge or insight to trust my gut feeling over his phoney stories and manipulative agenda. I’ve learned to trust myself the hard way. Over time as I became aware of what was going on- I just paid attention to what he was doing and kept quiet about it. Silence was effective . I realized that when I asked why or confronted the lie I was blamed and fed more lies which only led to further confusion. As I reacted less, I was keeping my power to myself instead of serving it to him on a silver platter. Now I am more cognizant of human behavior and if something feels off centered, I back off. Have a great day everyone 🙂
Trigger, trigger, trigger…
What if the words and actions coincide SOME of the time and NOT most of the time…
In the later part of our relationship, I’d scream, I’d cry, I’d plead: “BUT you promised…, but you said… but…”
Then, it was my fault that I screamed and cried and pleaded… I Felt guilty until the next large discrepancy and again, I’d plead, I’d scream, I’d beg…
NEVER MIND WHAT I SAID, he once told me. I could not believe it: How can you SAY one thing and DO totally opposite… The drill is known to all: it’s our fault things were not working out. It’s my fault, I drove him to do these things, etc. etc. etc. But, some of the time, some of the time I felt he was there… it’s just a pity: by the third year I no longer asked questions, I no longer expected partnership… It was like housing a pet, a pest? a pet… wiggling his tail as I approached. Stealing goods when I was away.
My step-father had a GREAT intuition for people that I (apparently) never had. I would have friends over and after they left (sometimes) dad would call me over and say simply, “Babe, she won’t do.” At first when I was 12-13 I would argue with him, and he wouldn’t same much more than “Babe, she will be trouble.” and taht was the end of it. He never STOPPED me from seeing these friends, but I can vouch that he was 100% RIGHT every time.
He wasn’t pushy about his warnings—but boy was he RIGHT. Back before the “summer of chaos” Dad was the only one in the family who did NOT BELIEVE A WORD SON P SAID. But he wasn’t pushy with his warnings (I wish he had been, but not sure we would have listened anyway) but of course, he was RIGHT AGAIN!
I’m not sure what his “6th sense” about people was, but he sure had it. Even if he hadn’t been around them very much or seen them do something bad, or heard them tell a lie. If he had seen anything “off color” with them he was “done with” them. He might be polite if he was around them but not say much and he never sought out their company, but he was DONE WITH them.
He’s not here to ask what his “secret” to seeing and feeling and following his gut feelings, but I am setting some rules to hopefully be pretty close to his record—and that is— the first sign I see of someone being dishonest or hateful in any way—DONE with them!
Pollyanna and Fearless,
The circular conversations, we had them all the time. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong. I told him that I just couldn’t fight with him because he would always win. Then he would tell me I was wrong about that too! By the end of our ‘conversation’ (pretty one-sided), I would end up saying I was wrong and sorry and over sensitive. I’m really ashamed that I acted the way I did. Circular conversations were to their benefit, it confused us and made us doubt ourselves.
Now when we have those conversations and he tells me that I’m wrong, he’s not lying, I don’t back down.
He would tell me that I hated men, too sensitive, crazy, could see everything clearly-except for him, I have good judgement-just not with him. I believed this crap, even thought I was going crazy and just wanted someone, anyone, to take the pain away. It’s insidious, ambient, pure abuse. He didn’t call me names or get really angry so he always seemed so sane. He said I had anger issues, just like my dad, I hardly ever raised my voice to him and the worst thing I called him was a jerk. I could be passive aggressive though. Yuck! I did not like myself at all. I would be mad for days and just not talk because I could never get to a place where there was a solution.
Then he would tell me he loved me, would never cheat on me, is as faithful as the day is long, blah, blah, freaking blah.
Those circular conversations really had me stymied and it seems that this is their general from of communication. In this fact, it seems we have been with the same person.
Yea, BJ, it wasn’t just for Ps, it was just for anyone you shouldn’t trust–I wish I had it too—
Hope4, I never did figure out why they “loved us so much” if we were such POSes do you? I just can’t figure that one out….maybe it was that we just couldn’t change enough to suit someone as wonderful as they told us they were. LOL ROTFLMAO Choke Snort!
Hopeforjoy: You’ve got it! He used to say, “you’re yelling at me” when I simply disagreed with him. I am a lover not a fighter. I hated the chronic arguing, but I did fight back and I yelled and I called him bad names and I meant them. I hate that I sank so low. I used to feel like he “made me a better person.” By the end I was worse, but now I know that nobody can make you or break you and I no longer choose to hand over my possibilities to others.
Oxy: You are sooooo right. Earlier I said listen, observe and two strikes and they’re out. I don’t lie (okay, maybe white lies in mixed company so as to not hurt someone’s feeling, e.g. “The cheese dip is awesome.”), so why should I accept someone else stretching, twisting, bending, distorting, or flat out not telling the truth. I shouldn’t, I shan’t.