“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.
I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.
How did he really feel?
In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.
There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.
There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.
The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.
There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.
Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.
What did he want from me?
This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.
If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.
Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.
Plus he has a potty mouth!! ewww..
I mean f this f that..when it’s not even necessary!
Statements like “Look at that effn kid over there”..
Oh, and Spath …when I’m driving and your in the passenger seat (which you were most often)…don’t say “GO asshole”..if I don’t pull out of a dangerous street as fast as you would.
Dear Spath, remember the time you were driving (my car) and you took a left hand turn to our apt.(used to have) and you were angry with me at the time so you said “I should slow down and let them hit you”. Meaning the oncoming traffic…Unbelievable Spath, unbelievable.
Okay, all Storyhour over..lol I think I can sleep better tonight! Thanks for saving me from breaking NC guys!
Night
duped – mortality sucks. (Or is that immortality sucks? ;))
‘Old age, sickness and death’ – the triumvirate of pain and struggle in Buddhism. It is frightening. But it is also what we have to work with. these are the cards. As are the wind, the sun and the house finches who have nested outside my door (poor dears, built their house the week i was out of town…sure, it seemed quiet to them at the time…). As libelle so wonderfully said, ‘manure in the shit’. i am a farm girl, and i so like that phrase. it may be that all i get is the sun, the wind and the finches, and maybe some day i will not be able to hear or see them any longer. and this takes me to understand that all i will ever really have is the strength of my own mind. damn buddhists. i listen to the teachings, and then if i am really lucky, i learn.
Dear one/joy, I am so with you. Truly.
All we have is what we have and all we can do is make the best out of what we have. Definitely, I do believe it’s the immortality that sucks the most, Dearheart…..
Sleep well and know the Angels are all around us.
No psychopath is taking what’s left of MY LIFE.
As long as I can still see and hear the birds in the morning, I am one step ahead….
Dupey
😉
Libragirl72 says:
Thank you Dupey,
Your words are encouraging. I haven’t hit ’send’. It felt awkward enough writing the email. But, I feel so connected to this person. This bad person! It scares me, really. My first visit with the counselor..within 10 mins. he said “You were dealing with a psychopath and you are lucky to be alive”. I had not confided in this counselor all I had recently learned here at Lovefraud or any books I was reading on the topic because I didn’t want to mislead him with my own opinion. I have been being very active (walking). I actually had a girl’s night out Friday night. I forced myself to go really. I had a little fun, drank a glass of wine but overall felt out of place and lonely. I kept thinking if my spath were here, we could be snuggling at the bar, gazing into each others eyes, having fun”then I realized WAIT ”that’s not him at all! lol A more accurate picture would be yes, sitting closely..his wandering eye, his mean comments to me, and arguing on the way home.
So, thanks again. You saved me tonight!
————————————————————————
I have been hounded and stalked and manipulated and charmed and threatened and almost murdered several times by thinking this person was capable of change and capable of feeling remorse and capable of having a conscious. I was wrong on all counts.
Libragirl: your counselor was absolutely 1,000% correct. You ARE fortunate you made it out alive, just like I am. I never used to see it that way because the facade of that ‘dream’ that was spun around my heart and my thoughts and my conscious is so overpowering but I am telling you the truth when I say that if I had not come to the conclusion to end it once and for all, if I had not taken steps to recognize the danger (nobody is going to be there to tell you) FOR MYSELF in just dealing with this person, I honestly believe that I would be dead and murdered and for nothing I have ‘done’ except for maybe being everything “IT” wanted to be but didn’t or doesn’t have the ‘inner workings’ to be. Absolutely. I had to stifle myself at a certain point so that this would NOT be my fate.
When you said that about your counselor, I could so relate to what he was telling you. I know it’s difficult to believe that someone we have loved so much could POSSIBLY be that way to us but it is true. “I” had to come to this determination myself. I honestly do believe that if I hadn’t of, I would not be here, right this moment, writing this to you. And that is on more than ONE occasion.
I won’t bore you, myself, nor anyone else with all the details but there ARE people like this in our world that we shouldn’t ever allow around us. It’s hard to ‘see’ because they are so smooth and skilled in taking life – whether it is actually physically or psychologically. Either way, they try to rob from us whatever they can because secretly inside they HATE US for being everything THEY are not and I think that is the basic thread that runs through all psychopaths.
PLEASE: PLEASE: PLEASE: consider this and don’t brush it off.
It is your safety I am concerned with right now, more so than even your weeping heart. I have been to that ugly place and it still visits me often. It will be ten years, this fall, that I have had this stalker. I have tried to ‘love’ it away; I have tried to ‘threaten’ it away; I have tried to ‘pray’ it away…I have given chance after chance after chance and listened to so much crap, even a toilet couldn’t stand that much crap…NOTHING EVER CHANGES. IT IS “US” who has to change.
You hang in there…stay NC and don’t give up. I want you to remember that if you break NC, you are saying: “Here I am; come get me; I will take whatever you dish out.” I KNOW because I have been there and there is NOBODY worth risking yourself for, be it physically or emotionally.
My love, prayers and wishes are with you.
Dupey
Libragirl…so great that you made it thru the evening. I did NC with cigarettes 20 yrs ago and haven’t wanted one since. I had quit many times, but this last time, I said, “I’m not going to think about *never* smoking again; instead I focused on not having just the next cigarette, just one. It worked! And from there, as days went by, I stopped even thinking about cigarettes – I had smoked over a pack a day easily for 20 yrs and cigs were woven into reading, needlework, etc. Thankfully I have always worked out, so in every way, saying goodbye to cigs made all physical activities better.
I understand a cig is not a relationship with a human being but neither is a path!! I have similar feelings to yours and so many other bruised and battered wonderful folks on this forum. I still think that Godzilla must have cared to be able to say the things he did, “I can’t wait to see you!” when I was out on leave. “There’s just something about you….” during one of our talks, etc. “What man in his right mind wouldn’t want to _____ you.” “Please come over and see me, I promise, I’m safe, come on, come over,” followed by 2 days of ignoring me completely. But when I finally saw him, he grinned so large at me, my heart just melted. I FOR SURE believed he cared and that all the abuse and neglect was because of his many problems and I just had to for once, realize it isn’t all about me. What a great time to finally figure that out!! Why not when it involved my daughter, husband, good friends?
Look, as everyone has said, there is no explaining how or why. I know one thing for sure, and I have to just keep repeating it, “They choose well.” When Godzilla on a Friday standing in the hallway, looked at me, rubbing his chin, it was not a look of love…it was him trying to figure out either why he was attracted or how he could best make use of me. They see the vulnerabilities, the compassion, the empathy, and further, it’s on a different level than an empath. Since they have no compassion, conscience, feelings to get in the way, they can zone right in on the type of person they want or want to be and invade you like an antibiotic-resistant infection.
Your therapist is absolutely correct. Stick with him…all of these people should either be put out of their misery or removed from society. I don’t want my taxes going towards their food and maintenance, but it’s better than knowing they are out there ready to pounce on unsuspecting people. The worst is that we allow it because they choose so well. For many of us, it’s just home cooking and they are so good at what they do.
I’m flabergasted by the intelligence and insight of the people on this forum and wish I had found you all in the early days when I realized Godzilla was nuts but fell for his sorry butt anyway. There is absolutely no correlation between intelligence and falling prey to these vile inhuman creatures.
Yes, choose your “favorite” insidious behavior or insult and keep make it as your mantra. Believe it, live it. On the days when you have to send that email or make that call, just remind yourself of the uselessness and emptiness that will follow and how rotten you will feel, recite your mantra and just don’t make that 1 next call or send that 1 next email.
I crave and desire like hell the day when Godzilla’s insidiousness hits me like a ton of bricks and I no longer care…pure apathy. But like many all of us to a degree, there is also a sense of loss to that thought. This is where their skills shine the brightest and are the most horrifically heinous. The lying sack of shit I dealt with chose OH SO WELL and I hope to hell he gets what he deserves, as I do with all your paths as well. And somehow, each and every one feels tortured.
Forgot to say, Godzilla continually spewed about how ridiculously forgiving he was…well of course, he was forgiving, he couldn’t be hurt what with no emotions, compassion or conscience. Details, details.
I think sadism is their fuel. There were so many damned days or nights when he’d send me one-line emails that made no sense at all, like “Communication is the worst thing for marriage,” or “I laughed or hard at this movie I’m watching, I had to switch the channel.” You did? Yesterday you told me your life was ending, but today you’re laughing at a movie?
When I would take time to respond to these crumbs of crap, I would get no reply for days.
No doubt in my mind, even when we were in convo over email, he was communicating with women at the same time. I think his disappearing act was a date.
But whatever it was, his sadism and my masochism fit together like a hand in glove. that is my love story.
I love you all…you are rocks of inspiration…be well.
Dupey, I’m glad to see that you pushed through that terrible space in your life. I’m right behind you, so when you get through, grab my hand and give me a good pull so I can get there, too.
Libragirl72, I understand the impulse to WANT contact. But, make a list here about what you “FEEL” contact with the spath would accomplish for HIM, then what you “feel” contact with the spath would accomplish for YOU.
REALLY think about it and be honest, honest, honest. What good would it do for YOU?
Hugs and blessings
Truthspeak and everyone else here:
I have ‘sort of’ pushed through that terrible space in my life.
I have been working on it for a very long time. It’s not easy when you are told that everything that has happened in ITS life, is YOUR fault. Not easy ‘getting over’ all those guilt trips. Not easy getting over that facade that was built around us. I KNOW. But,what was said, sooner or later, you will run across that one completely repulsive thing about “IT” that will just over take you and become your ‘mantra’ for the rest of all time.
I have been assaulted, verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and in a sense physically, although never by beatings, etc., because “IT” knew if I ever ended up with a bruise, it would SERIOUSLY still be behind bars. I could probably still make that happen for “IT”.
While I am not ‘afraid’ of “IT” anymore, I did for almost two and a half years, cower from the death threats. I looked over my shoulder and walked in that FEAR of being murdered and it’s not a fun place to be, always looking over your shoulder, wondering when it’s coming. The only thing that has afforded me ANY PEACE whatsoever is NC and reporting even the smallest FART to the local authorities.
I mean, it doesn’t take BEING MURDERED to realize we have made a horrible choice by thinking we can save a psychopath who doesn’t want to be saved in the first place. Who is only using his illness as a ploy to gain entrance into an otherwise secure and peaceful existence.
That was one of the biggest ploys: GUILT TRIPS. “You can’t leave me, boo hoo, sob sob, I have nobody; you see how I am…wah wah wah…” No. Don’t go there. It’s fake, all of it.
They will snuff you out in a heartbeat either through uncontrollable actions or consistent battering, whether it is physical and/or psychological.
I haven’t completely made it all the way out yet. Because “IT” never goes away. It has plagued me for going on ten years now. My first mistake was opening the door to the sadist. And, likewise, with me being a tender hearted person, one already reeling from so many ‘sad moments’ in my life, I made myself easy prey…
One thing I do know, once you take their control away, they have no more use for you so make it difficult inside and out for them to ‘control’ you. THEN IT REALLY STOPS.
Thank you to all of you for being here and for reaching out…
TRUTHSPEAK: TAKE MY HAND, I KNOW THE WAY OUT…YOU ARE COMING WITH ME. DO YOU HEAR ME? I can only make it part of the way though, GOD has other plans for me…
Love ~ Dupey
Dupey, I’m with you – tears streaming, and I’m with you.