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“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?”

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / “How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?”

January 26, 2007 //  by Liane Leedom, M.D.

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“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know’ that can help with recovery and healing.

I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I believe they do represent a grief of sorts. The feelings of loss experienced by sociopaths are however, short lived. Victims also have to beware because, although sociopaths are said to be incapable of feelings for those in their lives, they do become obsessed with them. Psychologists have not yet explained this obsession. If they don’t attach, why are they obsessed? Those who have read my other entries know that I believe that sociopaths do attach. It is what they do with attachments that is disordered.

How did he really feel?

In response to the picture of a sociopath crying at his victim’s funeral, my therapist said, “He feels what he tells himself he feels.” To help you understand what my therapist meant, I will explain what is known about how people usually experience feelings.

There are two components to feelings. The first is a physical sensation. When we experience a feeling we feel something in our bodies in relationship to that feeling. Think about loving someone close to you and sense how your body feels. Is it warmth in your heart? That is usually what people report.

There is much evidence that these physical sensations are disordered in sociopaths. Sociopaths do not generally experience the physical and hormonal changes that go along with feeling emotion. If they do experience them, it is to a lesser degree. Physical responses are blunted.

The second component of feelings is called attribution. Attribution is a cognitive process. When I feel that warmth in my heart as I see my children, I attribute the sensation to my love for them. Thus the physical sensation alone does not make emotion. Emotion is physical sensations and our interpretations of these sensations. There is also evidence that the parts of the brain responsible for attribution do not function properly in sociopaths.

There is one emotion that many sociopaths experience in a not so disordered way. This emotion is anger. Sociopaths do have blunted physical responses to anger. Despite this blunted responsiveness, they seem aware of angry feelings and make correct attributions about what makes them angry. Again, science has not even addressed, much less explained this observation.

Since the physical sensations and attributions that allow for the experience of emotion are disordered in sociopaths, their inner world is very different. They are left to make sense of themselves and others without the tools most of us use. Other parts of the brain fill in the missing processes. The person who is credited with first describing sociopathy in depth is Hervey Cleckley. He proposed that sociopaths are at least of average if not above average verbal intelligence. This makes sense because they have to use their verbal intelligence to make up for their lack of emotions. They do indeed feel what they tell themselves they feel. Scientists say they mimic other people’s emotions, yet again there is no real proof of this.

What did he want from me?

This question is easy to answer intellectually, but very hard for victims to accept emotionally. There are three pleasures we get from our love relationships. The first is pleasure in affection. The second is sexual pleasure. The third is pleasure associated with dominance and control. Sociopaths experience sex and dominance as enormously more pleasurable than affection. Therefore, they are in relationships to get sex and power, pure and simple.

If you love deeply and feel affection for others, you cannot fathom the inner world of an emotionally disordered person whose primary pleasures are sex and power. To understand another’s world you have to imagine yourself experiencing what the other experiences. You can’t do this with a sociopath.

Louise Gallagher said in her post The six steps of healing from a psychopath that the first step is acceptance. We have to accept that we can only know in part how sociopaths really feel and what they want from us. We can understand intellectually, but never emotionally.

Category: Recovery from a sociopath, Seduced by a sociopath

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Libragirl72
13 years ago

Good evening everyone,

Well, I made it through another day with NC thanks to you guys! But, guess what? My mom must have been smiling down on me from heaven today, because I got some answers!

I went shopping after work and guess who I run into? My Spath’s mother! Now, this is the ‘crazy alcoholic mom’ that I only was privledged to meet a few times because he made sure to keep us apart. And, so the conversation goes:

Mom: So, are you feeling better now?

Me: Teary eyed, shrugged my shoulders ..I hope HE is feeling better. Tell him I said hello.

Mom: Oh, he’s just been working, he’s offshore right now. You two fought all the time. That relationship wasn’t good for either one of you.

Me: Yes, I agree. The main problem were his lies.

Mom: Yes, he has always had a problem with lieing. For instance, I sent him to the store with a check yesterday. He told me the bill was $75. Well, I checked my account and the check was written for $475. I went take that money out of his checking acct. and left him with only a dollar. I am sick of him lieing to me too.

Me: Wow, that’s terrible (witnessing this on numerous occasions with Spath)LIE #1 Hey, I have a question. Was Spath ever in the marines? No. He was in the National Guard. He did get honorably d/c’d during boot camp. His hands shake and he couldn’t hold a gun straight. I said, “So, no purple heart I guess?” LOL noway.
LIE #2 Well, when he moved in with me he said his sister killed his dog?…omg..no, you’ve seen Sammy at the house, he’s running around fine. LIE #3 One time he wanted me to miss work to bring him 2 hours away to his job b/c he said his sister backed out and wouldn’t bring him so I gave him money for a taxi. Did he take the taxi? NO. He had to pay his sister to bring him because they don’t get along. LIE #4 Well, Spath said his dad died about a year ago…(she literally laughed out loud). His dad is very much alive and living in Texas. They just hadn’t seen each other in over 20 years! omg! LIE #5 While Spath was living with me he kept saying he was waiting on a check from his inheritance and he was going to deposit it in our joint acct. NO. I got an inheritance from my mother,but he DID NOT. I bought my son a truck and his sister plastic surgery.

And, she proceeded to tell me… walk away. Go find someone better. My son has a lot of growing up to do..and, you do know he has GIRLFRIEND?? MY jaw dropped. (It’s only been 6 weeks) She said they both go to the same gym..she’s only been over to the house about 4x’s. MY heart feels like it has just stopped beating! A g/f..wow. You know guys are needy she says..I walk away before I go to pieces.

Libragirl72
13 years ago

Now, I want to send an email…!!!

Had a great conversation with your mother today….

Melanie

Stargazer
13 years ago

Libra, it wouldn’t surprise me if he had this gf before you split. Or a few of them. In fact, I would bet on it. Trust me, he’ll do the same thing to her (or them) that he did to you. He’s not normal, and never bonded with you like a normal guy would. There’s no grieving period for a spath. I’m so sorry for this rude awakening and the pain you must be feeling. And his mom saying he has “growing up to do” is in complete denial. And how healthy is it for she and he to be sharing a checking account? You did good getting out.

P.S. Don’t send the email. Trust me on that. He doesn’t care that you know he lied or that he has a new gf. He may have even blocked your email.

Libragirl72
13 years ago

Thank you Stargazer,

Mom prefaced the ‘g/f’ remark with you know he never cheated on you and he really did love you. He started seeing this girl about 2 weeks ago. I know he’s not normal. I have done all of the feeling in this relationship and it sucks! But, an awakening for sure. Intersting she doesn’t trust him, yet I’ve seen him take her debit card to the bank and get money out…and, he just opened this checking acct. she said he left the debit card at home. He will flip when he realizes what mom did!! lol

Louise
13 years ago

Libragirl72:

I spotted a lie maybe?

His mom told you he is offshore, but then she said she sent him to the store “yesterday.” Huh????

skylar
13 years ago

good catch Louise! You’re on your toes.

Libra, it’s likely that his mom is a bit spathy too. She could be an enabler like my parents but also “enjoying” the evil that her son does. I think my parents are that way. It makes them feel better to have evil children, so they can feel needed and “above” their evil children.

My mom labeled my spath brother as “bad” from the age of 3 or 4. I remember how much she whipped him. It terrified me. So now he is bad. And she keeps him in the basement.

So who is the evil one? Who has the better mask?

Louise
13 years ago

skylar:

Thanks! That one popped out at me immediately.

I remember you saying before your brother lives in the basement. Hmmmm. Has he ever been married?

skylar
13 years ago

He’s never even had a gf.
He just pays prostitutes and watches porn.

Women find him irresistable until they talk to him. Then they run. He told me.

He gambles with any money he gets that doesn’t go toward beer and cigarettes. So one day he says that he won $1000 on the lottery. Then he went and spent a week at a nearby motel with prostitutes. Then he told my mother.

Who does that?
BTW, he’s 47 y.o. and has been living there for about a dozen years.

kim frederick
13 years ago

Skylar, you crack me up. I know this is serious stuff, but you’re so funny with your evocative language. I see your brother on a chain in the basement with a metal bowl on the floor in which there is a grayish blob of oatmeal…he is trying to stick it up his nose…..

kim frederick
13 years ago

and he is bald, and one eye is higher then the other, but they both kind of bug out. He has a hunch back and is drooling….

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